Confused, mumbling man moves to retirement home
An ageing, British soccer player known for his curving penalty kicks and inability to string together a coherent sentence is said to be eyeing off a cushy unit at the Australian soccer retirement facility known as the A-League.
“My wife Victoria, and our three children whose pretentious names I can’t actually recall right now, have been seeking a change for some time now,” the man may well have just told The Punch.
“We wanted a place where we can relax, sit back and pretty much do nuffin. When we heard there was a soccer league where Alessandro Del Piero gets paid $2 million a season and where clubs are still vying for the signature of Harry Kewell, we could hardly believe it.
The man’s wife, who has a rare medical disorder where she can only eat celery leaves and is unable to work a real job, is said to be equally thrilled at moving to a facility where she’ll refrain from using her brains or taking any personal responsibility for anything.
“We’re hoping for a nice room in the Sydney wing of the A-League retirement facility,” she said.
The new manager of the aged care facility, David Gallop, issued an upbeat statement today saying he expects the British family to spend much less time defecating on hallway carpets than the residents of the previous facility he managed.
But he couldn’t guarantee it.
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