An ageing, British soccer player known for his curving penalty kicks and inability to string together a coherent sentence is said to be eyeing off a cushy unit at the Australian soccer retirement facility known as the A-League.


“My wife Victoria, and our three children whose pretentious names I can’t actually recall right now, have been seeking a change for some time now,” the man may well have just told The Punch.

“We wanted a place where we can relax, sit back and pretty much do nuffin. When we heard there was a soccer league where Alessandro Del Piero gets paid $2 million a season and where clubs are still vying for the signature of Harry Kewell, we could hardly believe it.

The man’s wife, who has a rare medical disorder where she can only eat celery leaves and is unable to work a real job, is said to be equally thrilled at moving to a facility where she’ll refrain from using her brains or taking any personal responsibility for anything.

“We’re hoping for a nice room in the Sydney wing of the A-League retirement facility,” she said.

The new manager of the aged care facility, David Gallop, issued an upbeat statement today saying he expects the British family to spend much less time defecating on hallway carpets than the residents of the previous facility he managed.

But he couldn’t guarantee it.

Comments on this post close at 8pm AEST

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    • Haxton Waag says:

      01:50pm | 16/11/12

      If you had had to present this article as a speech, Anthony, it would surely be incomprehensible. Fortunately, having one’s tongue broadly fused to one’s cheek does not affect the ability to type.

    • JB says:

      01:53pm | 16/11/12

      Yeah very clever Anthony but just remember he makes more money doing nuffin as you do writing this pathetically veiled attempt at character assassination. Oh and another thing would bring an enormous amount of interest in the League by just showing up not to mention a worldwide audience. Get over the petty jealousy Anthony & write something useful

    • Paul says:

      02:09pm | 16/11/12

      Anthony, initially I thought this article was a new low - Then I thought about all of the other artcles you have written and changed my mind.

      In all reality having big name players is the type of thing that will do wonders for soccer in Australia.

    • Clem says:

      02:11pm | 16/11/12

      More anti-sokka! from Anthony…. Maybe you should write a positive article about how well the A-League is doing this season and pull your head out of your tunnel vision of hate for Football. Football (or what you call Soccer) is the most participated sport in Australia and the A-League is going from strength to strength. These signings are helping it at it is great to see a higher standard in Australiia.

    • Kathy R says:

      02:15pm | 16/11/12

      I think they have 4 kids now? 3 boys and a girl called Harper which could confuse anyone.
      Anyway, Ant, what does this say about the quality of our A League where the best players can come here and be the best we have, but may be old and over the hill anywhere else in the World?
      Wow as an afterthought Victoria could join the Australian “Housewives of Aust”. That should help the boredom and would ensure the TV ratings were huge!!!

    • Rowdy says:

      02:15pm | 16/11/12

      While his penalty kicks may or may not curve (and indeed may fly well over the crossbar!), Beckham is mainly known for his delivery of FREE kicks and crosses. There is a difference…..

    • PJ says:

      02:23pm | 16/11/12

      Beckham has been regarded as a decent player by the media. He’s a media darling. A marketing product, a mythical commodity.

      The soccer purist and technician has a different view.

      In truth he cannot tackle, he cannot dribble, he cannot track a player at speed. The only thing Beckham could do was deliver a dead ball and put in an accurate cross PROVIDED there was no pressure.

      The A League is bankrupting itself paying millions for these old boys to come over and retire. Kewell was an very expensive disaster. Heskey can hardly move. Del Piero could be my Dad. Why?

      We Australians have a gene pool of Croatian, Greek, Dutch, Italian and English. We have the DNA of All the European nations where great footballers have been born.

      We do not need ‘has beens’, we just need decent Coaches and facilities to develop the next generation of world soccer stars.

    • Andrew says:

      02:58pm | 16/11/12

      He also can only use one foot.

      Still, whether he is past it or not is beside the point. So is Del Piero and Heskey. If it did happen (i still have my doubts) it would mean lots of media attention on the game and there for can only be good in a way at attracting more sponsors and trying to get more money and people into the game as regardless of his ability, he is a drawcard.

      If other sports were in a similar situation they would be excited too, god, people still get excited about Shane Warne playing in the Big bash League and there is a lot of hype about Sonny Bill Williams and israel Folou coming back to Rugby League despite the fact they haven’t played the sport in years.

      I get your point Ant, and in a way i agree, but the A League can’t compete in getting current great players even with the marquee rules so they are doing the best they can. Del Piero and Beckham (just like Fowler was) are huge names in the sport, Heskey not in the same level but is still quite good as well (i would put him in the Yorke category).

    • Football fan says:

      03:58pm | 16/11/12

      Well said, PJ! And a lovely bit of writing, Anthony. However, those quotes did not come from Beckham. He would never be that articulate.

    • Ms Woo says:

      02:29pm | 16/11/12

      WHAAAAAAAAAT ???  Hardwood’s lost it.

    • Sir Viv says:

      02:41pm | 16/11/12

      Relax Ant, it’s Friday, crack a beer and try to stay off watching those Lance highlights on YouTube again. It’s not good for you.

      I deep down know you are still hurting. It’s OK, at least you can console yourself in the knowledge that Santa is real.

    • Michael Carroll says:

      02:44pm | 16/11/12

      Those who can do.
      Those who can’t type.

    • Daz says:

      02:52pm | 16/11/12

      Pay the man.

    • Hmmmm says:

      02:49pm | 16/11/12

      Yeah this one made me laugh, thanks Anthony for the Friday chuckle.
      “and where clubs are still vying for the signature of Harry Kewell, “
      Classic, I think you have hit the crux of the A league in one.

    • Josh says:

      03:01pm | 16/11/12

      I know you are reading this, you initially published my comment, but now it’s gone, why?

    • David V. says:

      03:07pm | 16/11/12

      At his best David Beckham was very good, but I’ve seen better- Glenn Hoddle, Paul Gascoigne, Peter Beardsley, Trevor Brooking, Tony Currie, Stan Bowles, Frank Worthington. All those were natural footballers, not athletes.

      I don’t care if a midfielder or winger can’t tackle or run, I’m more for footballers who can create something.

    • Punters Pal says:

      03:40pm | 16/11/12

      Looking at this photo, he seems to have Southern Cross tattooed on his arm already. He would fit in perfectly in bogan land of Western Sydney.

    • Sarah Bath says:

      05:30pm | 16/11/12

      why is there such a focus on sport

    • pink says:

      05:32pm | 16/11/12

      Very few sportsmen catch my attention in the way Becks does! I think he’s got the ‘it’ factor and I’m obviously not the only one.
      The Beckhams are a lot more savvy than you give them credit for. Posh has become a very credible and successful fashion designer after forging her own way amidst the bitchy sceptics. she’s a great hands on Mum too.
      If you asked the average girl to name a soccer player, top of the list would be the eye candy David Beckham:)


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