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Coastal holidays of your dreams: Ettalong Beach

Jo Thornely

by Jo Thornely

23 Dec 05:45am

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Filed under: Beaches, Central Coast, Ettalong Beach, Holidays, Summer

41 comments

Just an hour away from Sydney by train, 45 minutes by car and a constant 18,000 kilometres from fashion is the seaside sprawl of Ettalong Beach.

The undercover market is under that orange umbrella

If you alight from nearby Woy Woy station, on a lucky day you can be welcomed upon arrival by the traditional overheard greeting phrase “give us back me smokes, ya sl_t”. 

Then just pop yourself onto Blackwall Road, trot past the drive-through KFC, continue past the picturesque smash repair and bait shops, and you’re just about there.

Ettalong Beach has many claims to fame, but one of the first things you may notice is the large number of people getting around on bicycles.

“What a health-conscious, outdoorsy kind of a place,” you might think. Look closer, however, and you’ll realise that cycling is a necessary activity in this town until one’s driver’s licence is no longer suspended. Don’t be too quick to judge, though. Steering a bicycle with a lit cigarette in one hand and a longy of Carlton Draught in the other is a pretty good skill.

Ettalong Beach proudly boasts the largest undercover market on the Central Coast. That’s right. Out of ALL the undercover markets on the Central Coast, it has the biggest. And let me tell you, there is no finer (or larger) undercover market on the Central Coast if you’re shopping for crocheted baby clothing, bric-a-brac or marionettes .

Rice crackers are also freely available, as long as you’re not fussy about chewiness. Of course, if you’re just shopping for normal groceries, there are six supermarkets in the area which are open until quite late.

Certainly late enough to see other shoppers browsing the aisles in their dressing gowns and slippers. The queues at the checkout aren’t too bad – you’ll find those at Centrelink.

Through the decades, folk have fondly nicknamed Ettalong Beach and its residents, from “stumpy-legged swamp-dwellers” (as my aunt endearingly referred to them forty-odd years ago) to the more contemporary “Blacktown By The Sea,” by people who may or may not have actually visited either Blacktown or Ettalong Beach.

I ought also to propose “Flathead Breezes” due to the delicious fishy odour that envelops the town when the wind is right, or possibly “Revving Manors”, to celebrate the morning reveille of the neighbours warming up the ute.

Accommodation options at Ettalong Beach are varied, provided that your definition of “varied” isn’t. Your best bet is the gigantic Mantra resort complex, perched hulkingly on the water in order to be best visible from space, in a colour I refer to as “Democratic Cream”, due to the fact that it is equally offensive to everyone.

If it’s food you’re after, a quick glance at many of this area’s local residents indicates that it’s in plentiful supply. Maybe try something sweet from the cake shop, but best to avoid the meringues in the front window unless you have a particular love of antiques. What’s that? You’d like an apricot Danish? Go back to the city, you Euro-poofter.

Of course, as the word “beach” is there on the label, you should know about the beach. The sand can be found at more or less regular intervals between the sticks, chip packets, sticks and English people. If you’d like to see clean sand, waves and normal-sized happy people, just walk eastward towards the ferry wharf. Then get on a ferry, wait half an hour and get off at Palm Beach. If you enjoy disappointment, take the return trip.

Most commented

41 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • S.L says:

      05:55am | 23/12/11

      The best things to come out of the Ettalong/Woy Woy/ Umina peninsular are Woy Woy road and Brisbane Waters drive. They both lead to the F3!
      If you want to see “hillbillies” with no forward thinking then attend a local council meeting…..........
      Jo although your article is meant as satire you would be surprised how accurate it is!

      Reply

    • mick says:

      07:28am | 23/12/11

      You have some understanding of the region S.L.

      I have been fighting for an end to the unhealthy relationship between senior staff and the real estate industry, for accountability and for responsible allocation of funding.

      We currently have a situation where the new Planning Instrument has been compromised by the real estate industry, where senior staff can lie and not have a case to answer and where money is either wasted or poured into the ongoing Terrigal money pit whilst other parts of town are sold out and never see a dime despite paying high rates year in and year out. 

      Yes S.L. we do have a bunch of “hillbillies”.  But more to the point I would suggest that some councillors may have vested interests.  it would be interesting to see how much re-election funding comes from the real estate industry and whether or not there are favours changing hands.  It is not a healthy situation and the state government does nothing to reform it.  An all out restructure and dismissal of many of the top brass is what is needed.  Now that the ex mayor is in the state parliament I bet it will never happen.

    • S.L says:

      07:41am | 23/12/11

      @ Mick I have a much closer understanding of the area than my 3 paragraph post might make out! One councilor I could name was well known for blocking any developement where his finger wasn’t in the pie. It’s sad as it’s a nice spot just ill managed at local government level….......

    • Mayday says:

      08:14am | 23/12/11

      Remember Wollongong council?

    • sha says:

      09:11pm | 23/12/11

      We quite like Patonga for camping until the sydney roughs drift in for weekend violent parties and then we have to call the police.

    • mick says:

      06:00am | 23/12/11

      So is this an add?

      There are better places on the Coast and the Mantra high rise, just like the Crown Plaza high rise in Terrigal,  is an eye sore and has ruined the feel of the place.  Don’t know where you pulled the photo from but it doesn’t look like Ettalong.

      Reply
    • Daniel Piotrowski

      Daniel Piotrowski says:

      10:17am | 23/12/11

      Hiya mick. Yeah, look when I think of Ettalong I think of the Outrigger resort and the metre of sand along the bay. But Ant reckons it’s the beach near the ferry wharf and I think so too.

    • mick says:

      11:09am | 23/12/11

      Just looked like a historical shot Daniel as I couldn’t see any development in the background…..I might need to give the specks a clean.

    • TChong says:

      06:04am | 23/12/11

      A phooken funny piece Jo.
      If Ettalong is Blacktown by the sea, North Avoca / Terrigal must be Parramatta by the sea - slightly more cashed up, slightly more mobile, slightly more multi cultural.

      Reply

    • Rich C says:

      06:53am | 23/12/11

      Ettalong is far from a tropical paradise, but you could level the same snide remarks about countless places. So what is the point of this article exactly…? It’s as crude as the supposed subject matter - Penbo, you already on holiday??

      Reply

    • Mayday says:

      08:19am | 23/12/11

      “If you alight from the bus at Maroubra Beach on a lucky day you can be welcomed upon arrival by the traditional overheard greeting phrase “give us back me smokes, ya sl_t”.

      Thought you were talking about my local beach!

    • Kebabpete says:

      07:43am | 23/12/11

      Can I have my 2 minutes back? What a complete waste of space this article is. It may not be the nicest place but who cares. There are countless other places you could write exactly the same thing about. I should know, I’m from Gympie!

      I know everyone is in holiday mode at Punch Towers at the moment but publishing this rubbish for lack of better (or any) content is just taking the piss.

      Next time you feel like having a rant about some place you don’t like, just save it., and don’t waste my time.

      Reply

    • Yip says:

      08:37am | 23/12/11

      Must have forced you with a gun to read it, eh?

    • Steve says:

      08:13pm | 07/01/12

      Think you wasted your own time, not hers.

    • The Battle Rages On says:

      07:47am | 23/12/11

      I love the central coast.

      Its full of bogans, yes, but this is NSW, you’ve gotta lower your expectations.

      And citing the Woy Woy peninsula as “Blacktown by the Sea” is a little unfair, in my opinion, to the fine upstanding residents of Bellambi have worked so hard for that title!

      Reply

    • RJB says:

      07:58am | 23/12/11

      And the reason you were not noticed there Jo was because you blended in so well with the locals. I can confirm however, that Ettalong has improved significantly in its allure which co-incidently, began immediately when you left it.

      Reply

    • Harry says:

      08:18am | 23/12/11

      Harry says
      You must have dark sunnies if you can’t see the beauty in this area Jo, but be careful it doesn’t rain,  your nose might fill up with water.

      Reply

    • Mark Young says:

      08:26am | 23/12/11

      Wow! Sorry you are incredibly bitter about our little slice of heaven up here.

      I guess you see what you want to see.
      You see a complete craphole full on inbreds you could look down on.

      I see a really nice little suburb with lovely beaches, clean streets and folks that smile and say gday when you walk past them on your beach.

      By the way, as a blogger and freelancer isn’t that a fancy way of saying unemployed?

      Reply

    • The Battle Rages On says:

      09:32am | 23/12/11

      @Mark Young

      By the way, as a blogger and freelancer isn’t that a fancy way of saying unemployed?


      The Author didnt take a shot at “unemployed” people, she took a shot at Centrelink recipients, or more to the point the abundance of welfare recipients in your little slice of heaven.

    • Mr. BS says:

      08:46am | 23/12/11

      LOL…the problem I have with this article is that amount of people who are bogans on the coast are actually not too many, Gosford is home of the central coast bogan, Ettalong isnt too bad at all.

      Considering also the amount of commuters who travel to North Ryde, Chatswood, Sydney, strathfield or Parra, we cant all be bogans…

      As such I do have to find a bit of offence to your article.

      Although I thoroughly agree about the council, a bigger waste of space there never has been.

      Reply

    • mick says:

      11:14am | 23/12/11

      Touche Mr BS.  It is sad but the Central Coast does have more than a few bogans.  what really saddens me is the lack of genuine community.  Whilst the surf clubs and soccer are well supported just ask the community to show support on serious community issues or making the deadbeat council work.  The silence is deafening.  They don’t care as long as they’re ok Jack…...until the day comes when they need help.  A sort of sad justice.

      Ok guys its Christmas.  Maybe time for joy rather than looking at the non functioning of our society.  Cheers.  Have a good one all.

    • iansand says:

      06:24pm | 23/12/11

      Gradations of bogan indistinguishable to the non-bogan.

    • Fred says:

      10:37am | 23/12/11

      As long as they’re not violent I’ll swap a few bogans from Ettalong for some pretentious twats from Sydney.

      Reply

    • mick says:

      11:19am | 23/12/11

      Some bad news for you Fred old son.  Over the past 10 years the local youth terrorised the Umina and Woy Woy area.  Smashing shop windows and residents seemed to be a local sport.  There have also been quite a few stabbings and the local school made national news with the torture of some of the school’s ag plot animals.

      The bad news is that Umina is the suburb next to Ettalong.  Guess where some of the bad eggs came from.

    • Matt says:

      11:29am | 23/12/11

      Wow ...

      Combine this with Tracey Spicer’s article from the other day bemoaning the fact that working class people can now afford overseas holidays and the Punch is really into bashing the proles recently.

      I have always thought such overt expressions of social snobbery and class prejudice says more about the speaker than the subjects of their “wit”. Athough, having grown up in Melton I would say that, wouldn’t I?

      Reply

    • mick says:

      08:44pm | 23/12/11

      Social snobbery or social comment.  All places where human beings reside have some problem or other.  Go to the location and live there for a while.  As a final comment I noted on the news tonight that a 36 year old from Woy Woy was caught on video attacking kids at a skate rink because they would not lend him their skate boards.  Woy Woy is the other suburb adjacent to Ettalong.  There is a story for those who want to hear.  And in case people are wondering all of these suburbs also have their fair share of good folk.  Unfortunately they share the disadvantaged label and you get what you get.  Social snobbery does not come into it.

    • Redrover says:

      11:39am | 23/12/11

      In trying to talk up Ettalong Beach, a local big fish in a small pond developer in the area,  was quoted as refering to Ettalong Beach as the “Terrigal of the Peninsular”. This article shows exactly what Ettalong Beach is really like.
      Some people will say anything for money.

      Reply

    • Alf says:

      12:54pm | 23/12/11

      When you live in paradise (Queensland) any part of the coast south of the Tweed river is not worth sqat.

      Reply

    • Steve says:

      02:24pm | 28/12/11

      You obviously are showing what you don’t know.

    • Marion Regner says:

      04:52pm | 23/12/11

      A guy I met called Gosford, Mt Druitt with seagulls, I thought it was funny at the time.  Now we have Ettalong as Blacktown with a beach. Cannot believe the snobbery.  Always thought Australia was the fair go country

      Reply

    • elhombre says:

      05:08pm | 23/12/11

      Did you give him back his smokes? smile

      Reply

    • Alf says:

      07:04pm | 23/12/11

      @elhombre. ROFLMAO. I am nearly crying….

    • MammaK says:

      05:25pm | 23/12/11

      Give me your fat, your ugly, your unemployed masses, yearning to smoke free in a kitsch undercover market that totally lacks any Prada or Jimmy Choo. Lucky for you Jo Thornley, all those unpalatable people who offend your eyes are in a conveniently located area, so you know where not to go. I’ve never even been to Ettalong, and I’m still p’d off by your superior carping. I’m thinking that I would rather be a stumpy legged swamp dweller than a freelance pompous asshat like you.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      09:14pm | 23/12/11

      ‘Stumpy legged’ ?
      Then go look for murder victims in the swamp, after the rains, and use your smell.
      Give me your fat, your ugly, your unemployed masses, and go to the sandbanks.
      Water is for drinking ; dunderheads want to make a life-style out of the stuff.
      You’re a dickhead.

    • stephen says:

      08:25pm | 23/12/11

      Listen babe ... these coast folk are run-offs from the scrub cause a hundred and fifty years ago they pissed off from our Heart - unlike the Americans, who stayed in their scrub because the soil was better quality - and then our bow-legged, scaled-skinned, reddened, grumpy old sea-captains driving land-cruisers stayed, and ran trawlers, or backpacker resorts, (make that bed-bug factories) or set up caravan repair shops from their backyards, and you reckon that every Coastal town has something to offer ?

      Or is that only ‘Ettalong’ Beach ?

      Thank god there’s whales in the water ... otherwise we’d have to invent them.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      08:27pm | 23/12/11

      Er, and back to my movie ... D.R.Scoundrels.

      Reply

    • Jess says:

      09:10pm | 23/12/11

      You all need to get over ya selves, I’ve lived in Woy Woy (next suburb over from Ettalong) for years now, this is damn funny and quite accurate, if you are taking offence to this, you obviously are not a true Aussie and you are a complete snob, face it, if you’ve ever been to Etta, you know how it is, were bogans and were proud of it mate!

      Reply

    • Rob Goldsmith says:

      10:20pm | 23/12/11

      I LOl’d heaps reading this, thanks Jo!

      Reply

    • Coastie says:

      02:21am | 24/12/11

      The only people who have a right to be offended are those who live and love the area.. And we all know the locals don’t count anyway with all the rampant inbreeding.

      Reply

    • Steve says:

      02:41pm | 28/12/11

      I’ve had my wife’s grandparents live and die in Umina, uncles and aunts holiday at Ettalong and a mother in law who lives at Woy Woy.
      The thing you notice about the area is that it is full of bottle blonde, tattooed grandmothers with half a mouthful of teeth who somehow can afford cartons of fags and grog on a pension (or know a bloke who can).
      The geographic area is quite beautiful and there are some terrific locals involved in small business and community.
      Unfortunately, the place is a haven for bludgers and deadbeats.

      Reply

    • deborah says:

      11:21am | 31/05/12

      I have lived at Ettalong, for 30 years now, and to be true there actually are a lot of bogans here, lol I think they may have arrived from the housing commission
      in liverpool, sydney.lol
      But really this is every where in all cities and countries, the problem is the drinking and drugging in this location, and the high rents that are charged for absolute dumps!! Although where i am, I do love it very much, I can listen to all the birds and feed them, beautiful! And it is a quant little place,
      So, All you need to do is stay out of the bogans way, keep to yourself, and there should be no problem.
      one thing, If only the council would get there act together and revamp the toilets on the beach, disgusting they are.

      Reply
 
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