There are many of us who happily whiled away our youth reading those terrific Choose Your Own Adventure books where by thumbing through to different pages, you could select from a variety of endings.
They were swashbuckling tales involving shady figures, sinister conspiracies, acts of trickery, magic and deceit - pretty much like the 2010 federal election.
Now entering its third week, this campaign has been even more fantastic than anything the authors of those adolescent adventures could have dreamed up. It’s often been just as juvenile.
In an equally juvenile spirit, here’s the Choose Your Own Adventure version of the 2010 election. For the record I’ve selected ending number four, and promise to buy the first round.
Ending one: On Monday September 6, Julia Gillard announces the formation of a Labor-Green minority government, with the support of independents Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor.
Gillard dispatches Infrastructure Minister Anthony Albanese to Tasmania to turn the sod on the construction phase for the very fast train linking Hobart, Tamworth and that little town outside Port Macquarie where they sell tasty mangos in boxes. At his first weekly fireside meeting with Ms Gillard, deputy prime minister Bob Brown wins approval to turn Kirribilli House into a safe injection room for heroin users. The national broadband network opens, but only in Tamworth, prompting several members of the NSW Government to relocate immediately declaring they’ve had “an absolute gutful” of the slow downloads on porn sites at Macquarie Street. Troops are withdrawn from Afghanistan and redeployed out the front of peoples’ homes on bin night to make sure everyone rinses the milk cartons before putting them in the recycling. The first gay marriage is conducted on the steps of Parliament House, the national flag replaced with a billowing rainbow-coloured ensign as Peter Allen’s I Go to Rio blares out on the forecourt, with Tim Mathieson giving the happy grooms a complimentary haircut before they tie the knot.
Ending two: On Monday September 6, Tony Abbott announces the formation of a Coalition minority government, with the support of independents Bob Katter, Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor. Despite failing in his bid to offer Andrew Wilkie $1 billion for a new Hobart hospital, Mr Abbott forms government after offering Bob Katter $1 billion for the banana industry, Rob Oakeshott $1 billion for the Pacific Highway and Tony Windsor $1 billion to nip down the shop for a toasted ham sandwich. The price of sugar reaches $148 a kilo as Katter demands the reintroduction of tariffs for cane farmers. Unemployment among dentists hits a staggering 87 per cent. The Katter-sponsored Quaint Rural Existence Bill (2010) is introduced, forcing all Australians to boil the billy, rustle a jumbuck, hump their swag and do some whittlin’ on the front porch at least once a week.
Ending three: On Monday September 6, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott announce the formation of a Government of National Unity under the guidance of Independent MP Rob Oakeshott. Under a complex week-around time-sharing arrangement, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott will be prime minister for 25 weeks of the year, with Bob Brown looking after the fortnight over Christmas. Workchoices is reintroduced and then repealed and then brought in again and then scrapped, with agreement ultimately being reached so that workers receive a 17.5 per cent loading for being kind enough to clock on in the weeks Ms Gillard is prime minister, and then sacked for being low bludgers a week later when Mr Abbott is back in charge. The boats are turned back, then turned around again, then turned back, then welcomed with open arms, prompting frustrated people smugglers to declare that Australia has become so bloody confusing that they take their business elsewhere. Question Time goes for seven hours and is held every day, and ends with Rob Oakeshott, in chinos and bare feet, playing “I Am You Are We Are Australian” on his acoustic guitar.
Ending four: On Tuesday September 7, the 85 per cent of the Australian people who didn’t vote for any of the above rubbish join me poolside at the swim-up bar at the Club del Sol, Acapulco, where the stability provided by the Mexican Government provides a safe haven for Aussies on the run from this perversion of democracy. Ay caramba.
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