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Choose your own election: come with me to Acapulco

David Penberthy

by David Penberthy

06 Sep 05:45am

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Filed under: Bob Katter, Choose Your Own Adventure, Election 2010, Hung Parliament, Julia Gillard, Politics, Tony Abbott

23 comments

There are many of us who happily whiled away our youth reading those terrific Choose Your Own Adventure books where by thumbing through to different pages, you could select from a variety of endings.

Option 4: something we might actually want. Pic: File

They were swashbuckling tales involving shady figures, sinister conspiracies, acts of trickery, magic and deceit - pretty much like the 2010 federal election.

Now entering its third week, this campaign has been even more fantastic than anything the authors of those adolescent adventures could have dreamed up. It’s often been just as juvenile.

In an equally juvenile spirit, here’s the Choose Your Own Adventure version of the 2010 election. For the record I’ve selected ending number four, and promise to buy the first round.

Ending one: On Monday September 6, Julia Gillard announces the formation of a Labor-Green minority government, with the support of independents Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor.

Gillard dispatches Infrastructure Minister Anthony Albanese to Tasmania to turn the sod on the construction phase for the very fast train linking Hobart, Tamworth and that little town outside Port Macquarie where they sell tasty mangos in boxes. At his first weekly fireside meeting with Ms Gillard, deputy prime minister Bob Brown wins approval to turn Kirribilli House into a safe injection room for heroin users. The national broadband network opens, but only in Tamworth, prompting several members of the NSW Government to relocate immediately declaring they’ve had “an absolute gutful” of the slow downloads on porn sites at Macquarie Street. Troops are withdrawn from Afghanistan and redeployed out the front of peoples’ homes on bin night to make sure everyone rinses the milk cartons before putting them in the recycling. The first gay marriage is conducted on the steps of Parliament House, the national flag replaced with a billowing rainbow-coloured ensign as Peter Allen’s I Go to Rio blares out on the forecourt, with Tim Mathieson giving the happy grooms a complimentary haircut before they tie the knot.   

Ending two: On Monday September 6, Tony Abbott announces the formation of a Coalition minority government, with the support of independents Bob Katter, Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor. Despite failing in his bid to offer Andrew Wilkie $1 billion for a new Hobart hospital, Mr Abbott forms government after offering Bob Katter $1 billion for the banana industry, Rob Oakeshott $1 billion for the Pacific Highway and Tony Windsor $1 billion to nip down the shop for a toasted ham sandwich. The price of sugar reaches $148 a kilo as Katter demands the reintroduction of tariffs for cane farmers. Unemployment among dentists hits a staggering 87 per cent. The Katter-sponsored Quaint Rural Existence Bill (2010) is introduced, forcing all Australians to boil the billy, rustle a jumbuck, hump their swag and do some whittlin’ on the front porch at least once a week.

Ending three: On Monday September 6, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott announce the formation of a Government of National Unity under the guidance of Independent MP Rob Oakeshott. Under a complex week-around time-sharing arrangement, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott will be prime minister for 25 weeks of the year, with Bob Brown looking after the fortnight over Christmas. Workchoices is reintroduced and then repealed and then brought in again and then scrapped, with agreement ultimately being reached so that workers receive a 17.5 per cent loading for being kind enough to clock on in the weeks Ms Gillard is prime minister, and then sacked for being low bludgers a week later when Mr Abbott is back in charge. The boats are turned back, then turned around again, then turned back, then welcomed with open arms, prompting frustrated people smugglers to declare that Australia has become so bloody confusing that they take their business elsewhere.  Question Time goes for seven hours and is held every day, and ends with Rob Oakeshott, in chinos and bare feet, playing “I Am You Are We Are Australian” on his acoustic guitar.

Ending four: On Tuesday September 7, the 85 per cent of the Australian people who didn’t vote for any of the above rubbish join me poolside at the swim-up bar at the Club del Sol, Acapulco, where the stability provided by the Mexican Government provides a safe haven for Aussies on the run from this perversion of democracy. Ay caramba.

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23 comments

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    • TimB says:

      08:23am | 06/09/10

      I have to admit, Ending 3 does sound like it would be fun raspberry. Keeps everyone on their toes.

      Although I am partial to some good ole fashioned whittling….

      Reply

    • Notus says:

      08:52am | 06/09/10

      The Liberal’s negative, confrontational way of operating is diametrically opposed to any new parliamentary paradigm which stresses a collegial or cooperation approach.
      Saying they won’t agree to procedural reforms on the floor of the house because they would then be disadvantaged if in opposition may turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      11:23am | 06/09/10

      Why does everyone these days think if they use “paradigm” in an argument it gives it credibility?

      There is no new paradigm. It still remains a system where you need 76 complicit people to form a government. It just so happens that the two majors do not have the luxury of factions or party discipline to be called on to keep people in line for the near future.

      Running a party political line against the right and using only big words as a justification really doesn’t do much. Ask the normal guy in the street if he wants a kumbaya Oakeshott love in and I bet you don’t get a answer that contains “diametrically opposed” “paradigm” or “collegial”. Us political junkies and the Punch editors do. But we are a small minority.

      They want someone in charge that is willing to make a decision. Hence their frustration with Rudd and their lukewarm reception to Gillard whose idea of decision is to make stuff up like the “East Timor” solution and mining tax “fix” and then roll on with the spin.

      The Liberals haven’t opposed reform to the house at all. That was just a lie, or straw-worm if you want me to coy, tossed up by you to divert attention away from the fact that all you have as the basis of your argument is a poked out tongue saying “nah huh Labor is better just because - so there”. If we are being “collegiate” doesn’t that mean all sides get input whether positive or negative?

      Let us cut to the chase shall we?

      The reason why we have this situation is this. The Rudd-Gillard government was a failure. On all levels. If Rudd was in charge Labor would have lost and lost huge. We all know that. Gillard herself, whilst being complicit in some of the stuff ups well all them in a way, was so shiny, new and female that she mustered just enough “let us give her a go” first term government support to stop the rot. It is extraordinary and unprecedented that a first term government was nearly tossed out like this. It took a depression and peculiar circumstances for Scullin to be tossed out. Add to this the appalling state of the Liberal party 12 months or less ago and you can see truly how bad Labor has done.

      On the Liberal side they got lucky and were also poor managers of the election in a way. Lucky in so far as Labor stuffed it all so badly through bad government that they were nearly tossed out even though the economy was/is booming. And poorly managed because in Western Sydney if they had started campaigning on time, had a candidate picked for some seats (gawd what was going on) and used marginal seat tactics better they would have romped home. The planning and strategy people at the Libs need a kick in the quoit don’t worry. Let me put it another way. If Hawker was running Abbotts campaign daylight would have run 2nd, Gillard third.

      That in a nutshell is what happened. No “paradigm shift”. Just a electorate wanting to give a ranga a crack but knowing in their hearts she is useless. Her form is on the board.

      So where to for your collegiate ideals?

      In about 6 -12 months regardless of who gets the booby prize we will be doing this all again. Stability will not be found here. Oakeshott and Windsor want Labor that is plain to see. Katter can’t go Labor because of the mining tax. Stability will be a joke. Labor will rip and tear at itself shortly after the government is formed. The Libs will similarly have Turnbull on the prowl.

      We will have a majority government by one side after the inevitable new election we will have to have.

      All of this will be a bad memory. Oakeshott will be voted out. Windsor will retire. Katter will probably survive. That idiot Wilkie will be history and Hobart hospital will weep. Melbourne will be interesting. They are different down there for sure. Some real attention on the Greens and their policies will be welcome by everyone except the Greens and the whale mums of the Derwent river.

      So lets not get all warm and cuddly about the great new democratic adventure. As can be seen by the lack of conviction in the independents themselves that can’t decide a damn thing nyway this parliament will be a running joke for a short time.

      I plan on having a good time with it. Wish I could draw. This will be a satirists dream regardless of who gets the gong.

    • MarK says:

      09:00am | 06/09/10

      I think you have captured the inanity of Rob Oakeshott in all of this perfectly.

      Even this morning he was trying to get an extra day on Windsor. His Warhol moment is being milked for all it is worth.

      I do so apologise to Australia for my local member and his lack of anything that resembles consideration or thought now. I really didn’t think he was like this. Ahh well, we will only have 6 months or so of him to worry about anyway.

      Reply

    • T.Chong says:

      09:17am | 06/09/10

      MarK, whats going to happen in “6 months or so “?

    • MarK says:

      11:32am | 06/09/10

      New election TC.

      After the shenanigans of the last fortnight Oakeshott is toast, Windsor will retire and Katter will be Bob.

      Wilkie will also be a interesting if somewhat stupid memory.

    • TheRealDave says:

      10:34am | 06/09/10

      I find it interesting that its perceived that things are lining up in favour of a minority Labor government…and now the Murdoch press is getting increasingly shrill in calling for new elections…..

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      11:36am | 06/09/10

      RD, if 3 guys can’t make up their mind having all been on parliament and the system for decades what real hope is there for stability anyway.

      This has gone past careful consideration into egotistical pleasure at the attention they receive.

      Is this going to be the way we govern now? Everything put on hold for “deliberation” without any form of structure?

      It is a joke. At least we can euthanise whales with some form of decisiveness. Should use the same approach to this stalemate.

    • Mother of the Rose says:

      12:15pm | 06/09/10

      The longer this situation goes on the more anxious and agitated the conservatives and their supporters become.
      Since the election we have had a real glimpse of what Tony Abbott and his Howard men are like. Frustrated group of born to rule misfits coming apart at the seams, who have nothing to offer but 3 word slogans appealing to the xenophobic, homophobic swinging voters with limited intelligence and an inclination to the ark side of humanity.
      In desperation their specter darkens, twists and howls as they are dragged closer to the depths from whence they came.

    • T.Chong says:

      12:43pm | 06/09/10

      Way to go Mummy Rose. The conservative hysteria is becoming quite amusing.
      Yes, yur right, the real Abbott is now on display, and he is sounding and acting like the Libs own Mark Latham.

    • Nicole says:

      01:00pm | 06/09/10

      Now Mother of the Rose, I’m all for a drink or two, but it’s a little early don’t you think?

    • MarK says:

      01:27pm | 06/09/10

      Mother and TC.

      What election did you guys watch? A near loss of a first term government is still on the cards and you carry on like this has been some great and historic electoral victory.

      Gillard is tarnished beyond all redemption. Shorten is about to fire up with Combet. The main game of Labor payback is yet to begin..

      You two are so full of spin it is scary. This will not be a noble victory. Have fun with the Greens , that alliance should be a hoot. Ask Garrett how happy he is with the arrangements he sold his soul for.

      So in summary Mother;

      1. 12 months ago the right was looking at political oblivion.
      2. Rudd and Gillard are shot as leaders forever and a day
      3. The new parliament is yet to be decided

      And we of the right are anxious and desperate?

      HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

      Yehhhhh .........

    • Mother of the Rose says:

      01:58pm | 06/09/10

      Mark
      Your mind works in mysterious ways and sees things that others do not.
      Could it not be the specters dancing in your brain. Hopefully they will be gone soon and you will awake with a mind not clouded by the delusions from which you suffer.
      Your malady is caused by the conservative virus, which saps reason from the individual causing them to obsess about tired old ideology and reject their inner humanity. There is no cure for this disease, but in time as the conservatives drift into the swirling mists of time, you will fell the pull of their angst lessen and in time, you may be free of this wretched virus.

      May peace be upon your troubled mind.

    • MarK says:

      02:53pm | 06/09/10

      So when bereft of an argument, when faced with facts that refute your position and when confronted with the reality that things are not what you wish you ramble on about my mind.

      A few things in relation to my mind. It is more stuffed up than you could ever imagine but I can easily differentiate a decisive election victory from one that has had Labor cuddle up to the Greens formally, woo a lucky Tasmanian leftoid and have Swan bowing and scraping to 3 guys from the bush in the hope…still a hope….that they can salvage something from 3 years of wasted time.

      The funny thing is you cannot even say a good thing about Labor. All you have is a right hating bias without a reason. I do so love a zealot on a crusade.

      If that is your definition of victory for Labor and crushing defeat for Abbott I guess you will tell me that whale in the Derwent really was a sign.

      I guess you will call the retention of 10 members by Labor in the upcoming NSW election as an outstanding result and one that will echo through the ages as a sign that they were OK after all.

    • Mother of the Rose says:

      03:25pm | 06/09/10

      Nicole,.
      It’s never too early for a drink
      It’s always afternoon somewhere in the world.

      Mark,
      You really should seek help This paranoia and conservative malaise from which you suffer will come to no good. Perhaps some time in the mountains away from politics will help you come to your senses. Failing that, perhaps you might add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you’‘ll soak yourself calm.

    • MarK says:

      04:19pm | 06/09/10

      I could try that mother.

      Or you could find an argument, any argument really, to back up your “point”.

      What was that again? Ahhhh yes. The Liberals are bad and you don’t like them just because.

      Awesome work.

      I look forward to hearing more from you being so versed in the art of discussion and debate. It truly is fantastic when a new adversary appears carrying herself with such import and such force I am forced to accuse her of liar liar pants on fire in absence of any arguable point. I do so find adult conversations tiresome all the time and like to relax and say girls have cooties nahnahnah to win a debate point.

      So there /pokes out tongue

    • Mother of the Rose says:

      04:44pm | 06/09/10

      Mark
      you are being childish!

      Now go up to your room and think about what you have said.
      When a new government is formed you may come back down and participate in informed debate with the grownups.

    • MarK says:

      07:34pm | 06/09/10

      Still waiting for anything that resembles an argument mother.

      Anything.

      I am not holding my breathe so don’t rush. I just want to see if anything resembling a cogent thought enters your head. Actually scrub that. You are boring.

      1/10 for attempted trolling by the way. you really need to work on that technique.

    • Nicole says:

      07:50pm | 06/09/10

      One word springs to mind here…....persephone!!!!

    • Nicole says:

      11:33am | 06/09/10

      I like number three because it sounds entertaining. I’m going to opt for four though. I hope you’re not a tight arse Penbo, I like top shelf!

      Reply

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      11:52am | 06/09/10

      Meh, Real Kids read Fighting Fantasy. Now excuse me but I’ve got to go down to the supermarket to stock up on sugar and the travel agent to book my ticket to Acapulco…....

      Reply

    • Stewart Scott-Irving says:

      01:18pm | 06/09/10

      Won’t all and sundry be surprised if I am the person, NSW Independent Senate candidate that I was, who Petition’s the Court of Disputed Returns naming the ABC & SBS as co-respondents with the ALP, Coalition & Green’s Leaders? Just how does the ABC justify its recent 2010 election coverage of the ALP & Coalition Leaders solely, giving the Australian populace the impression that we could only vote for the 2 party-preferred by default system to be perpetuated. Where was the disclosure of the Independents’ wishlists being used as ransom to be paid by Gillard & Abbott? Must have been something akin to Sky News’ skoop coverage of the Rudd coup or by Sky’s coup of Rooty Hill RSL fora! I look forward to halving the ABC & SBS budget to fund our next visit to the ballot box, with sausage sizzle provided just to compensate for the inconvenience and breach of their own, claimed media equity, honesty and informed balance.

      Reply

    • MarK says:

      04:46pm | 06/09/10

      I for one wouldn’t be surprised.

      You are obviously a lawyer as only one versed in the Law and trained in the subtleties of the language and meaning could write something as nonsensical as you just did.

      Also with your whopping 77 votes, that equates to a .0001% of the vote, I can see no reason why you should not also get your 15 minutes of fame and subject the Australian population to a few weeks of endless and pointless procrastination.

      Yeh yeh, I know they are still counting and you could yet make a late charge for a senate seat but I am calling it early and not in your favour. The trend is against you mate so I guess get that petition sorted.

      On a brighter note I look forward to the next ABC election night coverage that after your court appeal is upheld we will see Antony Green and Kerry the Red joined by some dude from the Dapto dogs and a West Aussie they found drunk on the streets of Perth. I know, lets have the ChkChk Boom!! girl do those live crosses to the virtual house count as well. Make it a bit like Naked News too. She likes getting her gear off in lad mags so by the end of the night we can have a bikini’ed and oiled up nobody telling us about something we can’t get 3 guys from conservative seats to decide on for 3 weeks anyway.

      I am starting to love you independents. Happy to listen to your electorates and claim the people have spoken unless the people say something you don’t like such as we are overwhelmingly conservative. Then its a real brain twister and we will get back to shortly once we get our stories straight.

      Anyway carry on and go your hardest at the court case. Make sure you give us updates.

      I will be rooting for you next election where I can safely assume you are shooting for the magic 100 vote mark to indelibly stamp your authority on the country and have your voice heard.

      We are all counting you in this fight for democracy and paradigm collegial shifts in the normalcy and subsequent operation of an open whale fearing sitting house in the true spirit of cooperation and bipartisan lets be friends and sing kumbaya post 2010 election. Viva le independent!!

 
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