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Bad lyrics: Oooh baby, oh girl, hit me. Please. Hit me.

Samuel Webster

by Samuel Webster

29 Apr 05:35am

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Filed under: Entertainment, Justin Bieber, Lyrics, Music, Songs

64 comments

A few weeks back, Adam Baidawi took to the online newsstands with a statement befitting most thirteen year old girls: “Back off, haters. Justin Bieber’s Got Talent.”* 

Baidawi’s main statement was that the world of social media perpetuates unfounded assumptions, especially those related to taste, and I’m inclined to agree: We jump on the bandwagon.

But there’s more to it than that – Adam’s argument ends up here: “For those curious, the sample principle should be applied to poor old Rebecca Black … who has endured a lifetime of ridicule … despite bands like the Black Eyed Peas pumping out lyrics that, frankly, read like OUTTAKES from ’Friday.’”

If we leave it here, we’ve dropped the proverbial (bouncing karaoke) ball. You can’t use the Black Eyed Peas as an excuse for Friday’s ham-fisted calendar propaganda. No, let’s not back off from the Haterade™, as Adam suggests.

Let’s unscrew the top and pour it liberally upon every sub-standard musical “poet” until they are fully drenched in the complete extension of a liquid/emotion based metaphor.

Putting aside the Black Eyed Peas obvious part within this western-calendar conspiracy -they’ve been doing it for years and scoring hit after number one hit. In fact, it’s almost to the point where musical success is defined by its nonsense to sentiment ratio.

Britney Spears was clever to hide her opulent promiscuity beneath the words “If You Seek Amy” but she forgot the number one rule to espionage – you have to blend in. Poor Amy has sat around for months now, confused about why she is namedropped and then left for dead in the middle of bubblegum audacity.

Though she may have made her bread and butter off the back of Hit Me Baby (One More Time) - sitting vaguely between a passionate cry for sadomasochism and the linguistic morphing of the “hit song” from noun to verb - Britney is not the pioneer of such crimes against lyricism. Let’s follow the trend of number ones backwards:

2010 – Ke$ha’s Tik Tok:

When I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back.

Ignoring Ke$ha’s obvious misunderstanding of finite and infinite states of presence, she also advocates poor dental hygiene and teenage crushes on Mick Jagger look-alikes (gross).

2009 – Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling:

Fill up my cup, mazel tov. Look at her dancing, just take it off.

The direct translation of the song title, “I got to feeling” is more interesting than its slang equivalent AND the song somehow manages to go from Bat Mitzvah to strip club in a mere five words.

2008 – Flo-Rida’s Low:

Shawty was hot like a toaster, sorry but I had to fold her like a pornography poster.

Nuff said? Nuff said.

2000 – Destiny’s Child’s Independent Woman:

Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that. Charlie, how your angels get down like that?

The song starts with a list of the stars in the latest movie franchise, people!

1990 – Stevie B’s Because I Love You (The Postman’s Song):

I got your letter from the postman just the other day, and so I decided to write you this song.

There’s nothing I like more than being told what’s going on every single step of the way.

1980 – Kenny Roger’s Lady:

We belong together, won’t you believe in my song?

Maybe this is where Stevie B picked up his literalism.

You get the picture. We’ve been nonsense-nellies and blunt Baudelaires since pop began, but with social media we get to feel better than an entire industry in REAL-TIME (I’m tweeting right now: @ads_b “Eat that, Baidawi.”)

I’m not saying every pop song needs to have a rose to the value of Shakespeare’s floristry, but when was the last time a number one song inspired something beyond an elephant-thumping romp in the club bathroom? Perhaps we do need a little more “Ob-la-di” and a little less “zig-a-zig-ah” in our drive-time radio. Even The Beatles’ Come Together makes more sense than the lyrical tragedy of Nickelback’s “and what the hell is on Johnny’s head” as some sort of nostalgia.

Okay, okay, maybe I’m being hypocritical with my abnormally high standards.  I admit I’ve often thought, “Yes, we ARE the Walrus and we DO want to ride our bicycles!” And in the green age, perhaps we should all research into the hypothesis that fat-bottomed girls might contribute some unknown form of rotational energy. It’s just a little disheartening that the next generation’s heartbreakers might be won over by men with perpetually windswept hair, and the pick-up line of the year: Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooh.

Oh, swoon they will, those stunning young women with their Jack-stained teeth and Jaggered heartbeats.

Here, I must confess: my generation missed out on quality time, sitting on the dock of the bay; we didn’t get to give peace a chance or wonder what the world needs now; our love affairs were with girls on film, Barbie anthems and the conjunction of disjointed words like rap and rock. So perhaps it’s time for me to step back from the keyboard, sigh and leave my puritan sensibilities in an old book of Shakespearean sonnets and be done with it.

* Just so you all know, Adam Baidawi did not come up with this phrase - it was a headline concocted by the Punch crew.

Most commented

64 comments

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    • TChong says:

      07:36am | 29/04/11

      “The three men I admire most,
      are the father , son and holy ghost “

      “pleased to meet you,
      hope you guessed my name, ,
      but whats puzzling you is the nature of my game”’

      “Am I ever gunna see your face again?
      No way, forget it, go away “

      Hard to beat any of those for lyrics, but a commendation should also go to Tulls “Thick as a brick”

      Reply

    • Camo says:

      10:31am | 29/04/11

      “And the Jedi I admire most
      Met up with Darth Maul - and now he’s toast.
      I’m still here but he’s a ghost…”

      “My mother was a witch! - She was burned alive
      Shameless little bitch! - Oh the tears I cried
      Am I evil? - Yes I am.”

      and my own personal 90’s anthem:
      “Son, she said - have I got a little story for you?
      What you thought was your Daddy, was nothin but a…
      While you were sitting, home alone at age 13
      Your real daddy was dying.
      Sorry you didn’t see him. But I’m glad we talked”

    • Samuel Webster says:

      10:46am | 29/04/11

      I saw Jethro Tull on Wednesday night actually. Always been an odd favourite of mine, as is “Thick as a Brick” which was apparently written to parody the shift to prog rock that all other bands were doing at the time. Not sure how far that extends into the lyric writing though, Ian Anderson has a tendency to introduce songs with ‘I don’t know what this one’s about, I just made it up back then…’

    • mickey says:

      11:17am | 29/04/11

      Your commendation for “Thick as a brick” comes as no great surprise.

      In fact I find it a very accurate description of the TChong who amuses daily with his narcissistic comments on all matters.

    • TChong says:

      01:10pm | 29/04/11

      Oh mickey your so fine,,,.
      Hey mickey ?  wink

    • Bobster says:

      01:50pm | 29/04/11

      The lyrics to Mickey are downright offensive.

      “So come on and give it to me anyway you can
      Anyway you want to do it
      I’ll take it like a man.”

      Highly suspect line, that one.

      Puts me in mind of Kylie Minogue’s Spinning Around, which I have always suspected is trying to slip some sexual imagery through the backdoor, so to speak.

    • hot tub political machine says:

      02:04pm | 29/04/11

      Bobster, google College Humour’s “metaphor free radio” for an amusing inspection of the “back door” imagery. Quite funny to hear metaphor free prayer by Madonna

    • Bobster says:

      02:46pm | 29/04/11

      I always thought Like A Prayer contained some quite felatious lyrics.

    • Bobster says:

      02:46pm | 29/04/11

      I always thought Like A Prayer contained some quite felatious lyrics.

    • TudorGrrrl says:

      04:09pm | 29/04/11

      @Bobster: Tony Basil was singing to her gay male friend. Trying to convince him to at least trying swapping sides. Hence the “I’ll take it like a man”...

    • Bobster says:

      07:04pm | 29/04/11

      Oh well, whatever it was about, it wasn’t as bad as Camo last choice - Alive is probably one of the few incest themed songs I know of.

    • Markus says:

      09:18am | 29/04/11

      I’m just going to put a few things out there.
      - The Rolling Stones were, with the exception of a few top tracks, never particularly good. Their “blues” stylings have about as much credibility as Vanilla Ice.
      - The Beatles, while innovators of the pop genre, were mostly nothing more than glorified jingle writers (Lennon excluded). Hell, even the Bieber machine would be proud of something as deep as “she loves you yeah, yeah, yeah”

      Reply

    • Simonious says:

      11:14am | 29/04/11

      Agree on the Stones. I am still trying to work out what a crossfire hurricane is. Is it a metaphor or is he really talking about a crossfrie hurricane.

    • Bobster says:

      01:27pm | 29/04/11

      According to some random, badly designed website that seems to lack credibility the line refers to Keith Richards’ birth in an area that was a major german attack corridor in South East England during WW2.

      I also figured it had something to do with the Hurricane fighter plane but never worked it out fully.

      Not sure about this interpretation though as I’m pretty sure neither Jagger nor Richards penned the line.

      The Stones were about music and energy more than lyrics though. Same as John Lennon was about posturing and pretending to be Bob Dylan than he was about music or lyrics. Celebrities will always be about image to an extent.

      And, while I’m at it, Dylan is given too much credit too a lot of the time(f—- it, if I’m gonna rant I’ll do the whole routine.) All that bloke did was insult people (Andy Warhol, ex-girlfriends etc) but he did it so damn well and so artistically and beautifully that you could read anything you wanted into it, which, I suppose, makes him a genius.

      *Deep breath*

    • Where is the Love ? says:

      01:49pm | 29/04/11

      i’m not really a fan of either of these bands, but to say that they are not particularly good or to insinuate that they are both average bands is ludicrous and takes credibility away from any opinion you may have in your life from now until eternity. These bands broke down barriers boundaries borders and all sorts of other B words in their time. They changed peoples lives who had already hit puberty. Relating them to Vanilla Ice and Bieber is not cool.

    • Rick says:

      02:19pm | 29/04/11

      The fact that your talking about the Stones,Beatles,Bobby Dylan is a testiment to their collective brilliance. I bet you wont be talking about Justin Beaver or Brittney in 10 years or 5 years or tommorow….....and I know its Beiber not Beaver

    • SimpleSimon says:

      09:22am | 29/04/11

      The shallowness of popular music these days depresses me. And I’m not even old!

      I wasn’t around when The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, or even Queen were hitting the music scene, so I don’t know if at the time people looked at them and thought “hey, these guys will stand the test of time,” but looking at the scene today, are there any bands or artists who look like legitimate stayers?

      I think Foo Fighters will be remembered, but they’ve already been kicking around for 15 years so I don’t know if they count. As much as it pains me to say it, Coldplay might be a “naughties” band that find a little longevity, but I can’t imagine them being put in the same league as the true classics.

      Reply

    • Samuel Webster says:

      10:48am | 29/04/11

      Radiohead, perhaps? Metallica and Rage Against the Machine in some circles. Nirvana if you extend your scope?

    • papachango says:

      11:04am | 29/04/11

      Agree. I think the death of Freddy Mercury in 1991 was the exact point at which pop/rock music reached it’s zenith. It’s been going steadily downhill since then till you now you have Justin Beiber, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga as the ‘top acts’. I actually can’t remember a decent act from the ‘naughties’ at all.

      Of course I’m of an age where I remember the classics, and as such my views will be put down to being GenX and out of touch. But the proof of the pudding is that whene these old dudes (like Bob Dylan, The Stones, Neil Diamond etc) reunite and tour they pack out venues in a way that not even Lady Gaga can match, and it’;s often people who were too young to have seen them the first time around.

    • Shifter says:

      12:42pm | 29/04/11

      @Sam - U2?

      Looking over at JJJ’s most recent Hottest 100 of All Time you’ve got your Nirvanas and your RATMs up the top there but also the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Oasis.

      If we broaden our genres, what about the Chemical Brothers, the Prodigy and Underworld?

    • SimpleSimon says:

      01:18pm | 29/04/11

      Metallica definitely, but again, they released their first album in the early 80’s, so even though they’re still touring and releasing albums they’re hardly “current”. RATM and Nirvana were both 90’s bands too, but especially considering their relatively short existence (if you ignore RATM’s recent reunion) they’ve both very much cemented themselves in music history, IMO. Nirvana, particularly. Suicide was the best career decision Kurt Cobain ever made.

      I think Radiohead will be a band that has a cult following for a long time, but won’t get the recognition of other bands in the mainstream.

      U2, though, have to go down as one of my most overrated bands of all time. They have some decent songs, no doubt about it, but i think the hype around them is totally disproportionate to the quality of their music.

    • Rick says:

      02:25pm | 29/04/11

      Man your not even old? Your listening to the Foo Fighters? That guy was drumming for Nivana! thats almost prehistoric….......beleive me your old! .......you know your old when you say stuff like….....I’m not even old….....get a wheel chair old-timer!

    • Samuel Webster says:

      03:53pm | 29/04/11

      @Shifter - definitely a worthy mention.

      @Simon - I think you’re right, but RATM and Metallica in the 90s didn’t know they’d be what they are. Same with Nirvana though they had a faster rise to fame. Perhaps staying power is retrospective?

    • AdamC says:

      10:05am | 29/04/11

      Off topic, but that photo of yours, Sam, is a shocker. You should definitely lose the hat.

      Reply

    • Samuel Webster says:

      10:47am | 29/04/11

      Thanks, Adam. Nice to know that wherever my written work goes, so to does the opening for fashion advice. Thanks for reading.

    • Tory Shepherd

      Tory Shepherd says:

      12:29pm | 29/04/11

      I like the hat wink

    • Aussie over the ditch says:

      12:45pm | 29/04/11

      AdamC is just jealous of your hat Sam. More people should wear hats grin Power to the hat

    • Rick says:

      02:31pm | 29/04/11

      Most people should wear a burka!

    • Samuel Webster says:

      03:55pm | 29/04/11

      Thanks Aussie/Tory - That’s Hat with 2, and No Hat with 1 for those keeping score at home. (1 for Burka too, which I might have to consider if any more attention is paid to my modest appearance)

    • Harquebus says:

      10:33am | 29/04/11

      If I was stupid enough to install that Flash brown smelly stuff, I could watch the video but, I ain’t that stupid.

      Reply

    • fairsfair says:

      11:50am | 29/04/11

      I just wanted to let you know, that I am STILL finding this funny.

    • Eccles9 says:

      10:37am | 29/04/11

      “A-wop bop-a loo-mop, a-lop bam-boom! Tutti Frutti, aw-rooty” - Little Richard 1955

      And there are far dodgier, far older examples than that.

      Big deal if the lyrics mean little or nothing, it’s popular music -  not high art.

      As Ringo once famously described a song on Juke Box Jury in the ‘60s, ‘It’s got a back beat and you can dance to it’.

      Reply

    • dancan says:

      10:45am | 29/04/11

      The biggest problems I have with Rebecca Black, are her obvious and complete lacking of talent both in writing and singing,  but also the way she was so mass marketed, auto-tuned and pushed out into the public limelight as the next Bieber. 

      As for Bieber, from what I’ve heard he does have a lot talent but he’s completely mass produced and controlled in everything he does.  He’ll be the next Britney and won’t that be a funny meltdown to watch

      Reply

    • Direct says:

      11:41am | 29/04/11

      Actually Rebecca Black was just one of many kids whose parents bought them a recording package from a vanity recording label, she was just the first to go mass viral.

    • A Bob says:

      11:55am | 29/04/11

      Rebecca Black was given a gift for her birthday by her parents to make a pop video. There are vanity production companies that sell these types of things. The result got put on youtube along with all the other dross that goes there (and some good stuff, make no doubt) and went viral.

      There was no marketing consipiracy to create a new pop sensation, just a kid getting a really cool, expensive birthday present.

      Now, if after the fact because of all the morons making a big deal over it, she can make a shitload of money out of it, good luck to her.

      As for Bieber, I agree, he’s another train-wreck in waiting. Like the Spears family, an example of parental exploitation. I hope he can rise above it.

    • fairsfair says:

      11:56am | 29/04/11

      Ditto. It essentially means that if you are rich, you can pay your way to fame.

      I think beebs has talent, but I would have preferred him to enter the scene as an even more talented adult (which he will be), but I doubt he will ever be able to shake the teenage girl thing and will be like the Monkeys and other populist groups that are essentially killed off by the ongoing love of the very fans that make them famous in the first place.

    • Rick says:

      02:46pm | 29/04/11

      Fairstar…....To Quote Keith Richard “The trick is not to live forever but to live with yourself forever”...............and a prize to who ever can name the song that came from.

    • hot tub political machine says:

      02:58pm | 29/04/11

      Rick,

      Trick question right? But we saw the film rather than the song

    • Rick says:

      03:14pm | 29/04/11

      Hot tub ...........your good….....very good

    • hot tub political machine says:

      03:26pm | 29/04/11

      Can I have +1 Internets?


      Ha, I remember because apperently the Jack Sparrow character was originally concieved of as kind of a funny grumpy old man, but Johhny Depp rocked up to audition in full costume as per the film, based his mannerisms on Keith Richards and due to this insisted it be Keith who played his dad.

    • hot tub political machine says:

      11:39am | 29/04/11

      Its like this. Almost all pop art (either conciously or unconciously) is a continuation of the romantic movement, i.e. valuing emotions over rationality. This is the element to success in art, people want to “feel it”.

      Some people do it with poetic flair (Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands, With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,Let me forget about today until tomorrow - Bob Dylan)

      and some people do it simply (Nah Nah Nah, I’m gonna start a fight! - Pink)

      The point is people connect with the emotion, catchiness or lyrical wit are the bonuses to people depending on their tastes. The universal thing that makes a number one is the emotion

      Reply

    • Shifter says:

      11:49am | 29/04/11

      Suddenly I’m reminded of Cracked.com’s lists of unintentionally gay rap lyrics.

      Reply

    • Arnold Layne says:

      11:51am | 29/04/11

      “Boom, boom, boom, let’s go back to my room, so we can do it all night and you can make me feel right.”

      Reply

    • Shifter says:

      12:30pm | 29/04/11

      I’m still waiting for the Vengabus to come.

    • Adam says:

      01:32pm | 29/04/11

      Dear God, back to the blue light disco for you Master Layne

    • BIkinis On Top says:

      12:38pm | 29/04/11

      pop music is for old pops in nursing homes.
      mum is a deodorant that old pops don’t use.

      Reply

    • A Bob says:

      01:41pm | 29/04/11

      The absence of quotaion marks makes me wonder if these are song lyrics or not. if they aren’t, they should be.

    • Bobster says:

      01:02pm | 29/04/11

      The problem with pop lyricists today is they never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns when they all come down and did tricks for you.
      They never understood that it ain’t no good and you shouldn’t let other people get your kicks for you.
      They used to ride on their chrome horse with their diplomats, who carried on their shoulders Siamese cats.
      Won’t it be hard when they discover that they weren’t really where it’s at, after they took from you everything they could steal.

      Reply

    • hot tub political machine says:

      01:18pm | 29/04/11

      But how does it feel?

    • Bobster says:

      01:29pm | 29/04/11

      To be on your own? Like a complete unknown?

    • Rick says:

      02:40pm | 29/04/11

      But what do it all mean BOB….......oh it dont matter any more

    • Bobster says:

      07:08pm | 29/04/11

      What it means is I am second only to Dylan himself.

      Who else could take Dylan’s scorching appraisal of Andy Warhol, extrapolate it into a comment on pop culture (art?) and stick it so precisely to the point?

      I should write pop songs, though, I fear they may be somewhat derivative. Let’s call it post modern.

    • Onc says:

      01:56pm | 29/04/11

      Dear Mr Samuel Webster,
      Before reading your name i read your article. I thought it was written by a girl.
      Thought you might find that interesting.
      Regards,
      Of No Consequence.
      P.S. my friends call me Onc.

      Reply

    • Sweet Cheeks says:

      02:42pm | 29/04/11

      Shakira : Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
      So you don’t confuse them with mountains

      Reply

    • Ben81 says:

      02:48pm | 29/04/11

      “We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil,
      Our home is girt by sea”

      Reply

    • Bobster says:

      04:16pm | 29/04/11

      That song contains the WORST. LYRICS. EVER. (I’m sorry to break the Punch’s rules on gratuitious capitals but until you introduce bells and flashing lights, language will never be able to express my disdain for that pathetic excuse for an anthem).

      Do you reckon Canada or New Zealand would be prepared to swap anthems? How much would the French charge for the rights to La Marseillaise?

    • Emma W says:

      03:03pm | 29/04/11

      I don’t think the hating comes from the lyrics. Pop lyrics have never been lyrically poetic. They are just supposed to be fun, shallow and ultimately disposable, but once the hating starts become fuel for the fire.

      The hating comes from the fact that they are so overly manufactured these days. As long as they look the part the rest can be created around them, they don’t really need talent. It’s so Milli Vanilli without the attempted cover up. Whether these people have real talent is not the focal point, yet they prance around and demand to be taken seriuosly as “artists”.

      As for that Rebecca Black girl, the sad thing is she is still deluded enough to believe she has talent and is proud of her fame. WTF? If nothing else it should serve as a warning to parents everywhere to stop unrealistically encouraging your untalented children. If you watch any of those “talent” *shudder* shows on the first audition round you see all these deluded pampered princesses (both genders included) that can’t even comprehend the fact that they suck,... oh and those ones that sing on public transport to showcase their talent. I hate those ones.

      Reply

    • Jay says:

      04:22pm | 29/04/11

      The best wordsmiths in rock/pop are all so-called ‘comedy music’ such as TISM, The Fugs & Frank Zappa, Maynard Keenan from Tool and last, but by no means least, the woefully under-appreciated Andy Prieboy (who older JJJ listeners would know his song Tomorrow Wendy).

      The greatest advantage of instrumental music; be it classical, jazz or RIO/post-rock is that you never have a good tune, rollicking groove or a goose bump inducing crescendo being spoilt by juvenile, disposable lyrics.

      Aldous Huxley was bang on the money with the future of pop culture… “Love me ‘till you drug me honey, kiss me ‘till I’m in a coma”

      Reply

    • macca says:

      04:56pm | 29/04/11

      Couple of lines from the Arctic Monkeys are relevant to this issue, and other social issues at the moment :

      “There’s only new music so there is new ringtones”

      “just coz he’s had a couple of cans, he thinks he can act like a dickhead”

      Reply

    • Waynevan says:

      05:36pm | 29/04/11

      I’d like to submit this wisdom from a supposedly @credible@ you Aussie band.
      @We made plans@ - Good start, planning is good.
      @To kiss the sun@ - Silly and rather dangerous plans
      @at night@ - Well I suppose that is the marginally safer time to kiss the sun.
      Oh… and a new favourite band name - We Say Bamboulet.
      Firstly - Who is @We@
      Secondly -  What is Bamboulet? and thirdly
      Why the heck are we saying it?

      Reply

    • Yadira says:

      11:05am | 30/04/11

      Somewhere in the world tonight
      Everything’s alright

      So take me there
      Can you take me there?

      -Altiyan Childs

      Reply

    • Lori says:

      06:02pm | 30/04/11

      Anyone else notice that Nirvana ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ sounds extraordinarily like a grunge version on Nina Simone ‘Funkier than a Mosquitos Tweeter’?  Only Nina Simone sounds better wink

      Reply

    • gayday says:

      09:45am | 02/04/12

      Net - Source For Nude Celeb Pictures And Movies. hillrisefarms

      Reply

    • mbt scarpe prezzo says:

      09:20am | 02/11/12

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      Reply
 
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choice ringside rantings

From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go

Tim says:

They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]

From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go

Kel says:

If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]

Light weight

Gentle jabs to the ribs

Superman needs saving

Superman needs saving

Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more

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