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Back off, scammers, you’re barking up the wrong tree

John Mikkelsen

by John Mikkelsen

18 Sep 05:50am

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Filed under: Banks, Men And Women, Nigeria, Scams

39 comments

Have I got SUCKER tatooed on my forehead? Or a big bulls-eye and the words “easy target” pinned to my back?

Come back, Mikko, we loooooove you! Photo: AFP

Not last time I checked, but that doesn’t stop the scammers from trying some very obvious tricks to part me from my cash.

The lonely Russian girls have finally given up after coming to the conclusion I wasn’t their passport to a new life of riches - but their Russian Mafia bosses and Nigerian cousins haven’t.

I’ve had a series of calls in the last couple of weeks claiming to be from a service tech centre, saying they’ve detected a problem with my computer. Well sorry, but I’ve heard that one.

With a heavy foreign accent, I told the first female caller: “You’re barking up the wrong tree”. Stunned silence as she probably flipped through pages of an English dictionary trying to understand what I had just said.

She gave up. “Pardon?”

“Not interested, ‘bye!”.

One or two similar calls before a male tried his luck. “Is that Mr Mee-kul-sun?  We have been detecting problems with your computer…”

I thought I’d have a bit of fun, so I try to mimick his thick accent.

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, you seem to have some cookies and virus infections…”

“And what are you wanting to do about that?” I ask in my best impersonation of an operator from the TV show, “Mumbai Calling”.

Mrs Mikko is trying to control herself as she can hear all this on speakerphone but neither of us can stop laughing when he replies, “I am wanting to take some of your money…”

An honest answer but I tell him, “Nice try mate, but not today or ever”.

Maybe they got the message - try a different scam. So I received some emails from “Commonwealth Bank of Australia” telling me my online account had been “restricted” and to log on to have the restrictions lifted.

Nice try again, but I don’t have any CBA account.

A couple of days later they roll out the big guns and I receive a message from “The World Bank”. Either they think there is a lot of money in freelance journalism (ha!) or they’ve mistaken me for an international arms dealer.

Every now and then other emails pop up inviting me to log on to a freight company to detect the whereabouts of an undelivered parcel, or seek a refund. Boring!

Sometimes I almost miss those emails from Annushka, Svetlana and their beautiful pals, telling me all Russian men are vodka-soaked pigs.

Maybe they Skyped Mrs M by mistake.

Most commented

418Australia, you have nothing to fear but fear itself
353"Gifting", "journey" and other words we hate
311Thomson didn't answer the question everyone is asking
262Who murdered the Arts degree?
246A big day for Thomson, who thus far is guilty of nothing...
231Craig Thomson speaks. Meanwhile, in Australia...
230South Australia. It's the middle bottom bit.
224The most laughable, err, spoof since Einfeld

39 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • acotrel says:

      06:17am | 18/09/11

      Watch the Gruen Transfer on the ABC, the whole corporate world is into scamming.  Commercial TV is dedicated to it ! Why should we be crooked on the Russians or Nigerians for trying it on ?

      Reply

    • bec says:

      06:41am | 18/09/11

      We used to print out the Russian bride emails at work, along with their photos, and affix them to the wall with five bucks. The money was yours if you could identify the famous woman* they stole the photo from. It really was a productive use of company time.


      *Five different scammers used Vanessa Hudgen’s image. Apparently she’s really Russian-looking…

      Reply

    • Halidom says:

      07:07am | 18/09/11

      Hello Mikko
      I’ve won the Irish lottery a couple of times over 9 million each time. I’ve won the EU lottery and that’s 93 million.  I’ve been contacted by many lawyers from around the world telling me I’m the beneficiary of their client who passed away, yet they don’t seem to know my name. Like you I have been contacted by a variety of banks and PayPal and eBay to reset my account.
      I think the worst is the number of charities that phone and want my credit card details. They could be real but how am I supposed to know?
      Have a great day

      Reply

    • Fiddler says:

      07:34am | 18/09/11

      don’t forget all the emails promising another three inches….

      Reply

    • TrueOz says:

      01:50pm | 18/09/11

      You must’ve gotten the “short” email. My email offered and extra six inches. grin

    • Mikko says:

      03:10pm | 18/09/11

      I’d never buy what I don’t really need… grin

    • stephen says:

      06:59pm | 18/09/11

      Tell that to Warnie, cause I reckon all that weight loss is gonna shrivel up everythin.
      (Actually, if yer see him with 2 mobiles in his hand, tell him ter junk one.
      Just one.)

    • PW says:

      08:46am | 18/09/11

      I used to look forward to these e-mails from Russian chicks, all aged between 27 and 32, because they were so cute.

      I do baank with the CBA but I didn’t get the e-mails. I did however see the bank had posted a scam alert on its site just a few days ago.

      Someone must be getting caught by these ruses or else they’d stop doing them. I actually know of someone (in the US) who was duped by these Russian cuties. The guy was in fact a computer nerd who worked on a voluntary basis advising people how to make a certain rather buggy computer game work. I’m glad I never took his advice.

      Reply

    • Lapun says:

      11:20am | 18/09/11

      A gullible friend of mine was taken in and scammed by an African ‘Nurse’ wanting to come to Australia for further studies.  Naturally it turned out she wasn’t a nurse, the very attractive photos sent weren’t of her and ‘she’ wasn’t even a girl.
      AUD$5000.00 later, my mate finally (embarrassed and reluctantly) believed what all of us, his drinking mates, had been telling him.
      Beleive it or not he’s being taken again we feel, this time by someone claiming to be Japanese!  Some will never learn.

    • Audra Blue says:

      07:30pm | 18/09/11

      If you’re so stupid to believe the scammers, they deserve your money and more.  Even if you’re not too bright, there has to be some reptilian part of your brain that says, “hang on, this doesn’t smell right.”

      I did get the whacky Nigerians sending me their usual emails of getting cash out of their country for a while but that seems to have subsided now.  Maybe the Yahoo spam filter is actually working.

      I haven’t been victim of the Russian girlies or any of the other emails that have been mentioned here.  Neither have I had anyone call me telling me that my computer has things wrong with it.  That could be because I only have a prepaid mobile phone.

    • TrueOz says:

      09:48am | 18/09/11

      The latest batch I’ve been receiving offer discount gold, straight from the miner…

      or the people “working on an oil rig” who want to purchase your car sight unseen, and have their “forwarding agent” collect it - after you pay them - and wait to collect the money afterwards…

      or the African student who wants to rent a room in your house and sends (too many) stolen travelers checks for you to cash, then asks you to deposit the balance via Western Union…

      or the…

      Reply

    • bec says:

      10:51am | 18/09/11

      Good rule of thumb is to anything that mentions Western Union transfer.

    • John Smythe says:

      12:28pm | 18/09/11

      writing this from my yacht as we sail around the Carribean!

      well I would be given I have won the National UK Lotto no less than 10 times each worth over 1.5million pounds.

      There was an article way back I think, and Australians are losing money to scammers in the 100s of millions (?) a year. Those suckers are painting a big target on Australia I reckon.

      Reply

    • seniorcynic says:

      01:39pm | 18/09/11

      When I had a hotmail account I received a lot of spam but what intrigued me were the offers of penis enlargement followed by an offer in the next email for breast enlargement. There must be more transexuals around than I realise.

      Reply

    • mick says:

      02:41pm | 18/09/11

      The real tragedy is that successive governments permit scammers to ply their trade in this country.  When caught the courts do little and the sentences are token sentences at best.  Meanwhile the victims are the ones left out in the cold and they carry the life long sentences.

      We now see private homes being ‘stolen’ and governments with their fingers in their ears and refusing to stop the practice and simply permitting victims to lose what they have worked so hard and so long to accumulate. 

      It would be simple to stop such a scam.  All that would be required is photo id and fingerprint documentation on the title documents held by the Department of Lands.  Requiring these on a sale as well as the other normal procedures would mean that a person’s castle could not be flogged off whilst they were away. 

      Do you think that our government could do something so basic?  Don’t hold your breath.  I have stated on many occasions that the day an MP is stung there will be swift action; and the day a judge is the victim of crime then the sentences will toughen up.  Until that day comes nothing will much change because the electorate does not have the determination to effect change.

      Reply

    • spanner says:

      02:55pm | 19/09/11

      Deceased estate.

    • Happy Dude says:

      02:45pm | 18/09/11

      Over the past week I have received several emails claiming to be from Optus stating my email account was full and if I didn’t reset it using the click here button they would close my account. I use Optus too. LOL

      Reply

    • Bev says:

      03:49pm | 18/09/11

      Mr. Mee-kul-sun (LOL)
      I have a bit of fun with the phone callers these days - I used to just hang up but decided to give them a bit of their own back.
      Whatever they say, I think of some similar reply as in verifying what they have said and fool around with them a little bit longer and then ask really innocently ” What do you want me to do”? This one said please go to your computer and I will tell you how to fix the problem.  So then I go off and leave the phone off the hook for a little time and then just hang up.
      Another time I decided to tell them I knew what they were up to and they quickly hung up the other end.
      I have decided to have a bit of fun with them now anyway - of course depending what sort of mood they find me in at the time.
      I know someone who led a Russian on for a while but did not get caught as he knew what the go was.  They are usually men I reckon using someone’s photo - easily done - I cannot believe people are still getting caught though!!!!!!  They have been warned over and over.

      Reply

    • Mikko says:

      06:23pm | 18/09/11

      Hi Bev-uh-lee, I’ve heard of women who’ve been stung by the luv scam too for quite a bit - on cruises as well as online. Re your ‘leave the phone off the hook trick’, I often use that too when they ask to speak to my alter ego (John is not my first name) “Hang on, I’ll get him for you” I tell them, when they ask to speak to the other me. Put the phone down and go on typing beside it for five minutes and they’ve gone by then.

    • Bev says:

      07:56pm | 18/09/11

      Yes, Sometimes I am not home when someone asks for the lady of the house - obviously it is a call from someone selling something.
      Sometimes my pseudo friend is not home either.
      Tee hee.

    • HappyCynic says:

      12:03pm | 19/09/11

      There are whole websites out there dedicated to teaching people how to troll these f***ers, 419eater.com is one the greatest   smile

      The rationale behind it is if the more time the scammers are wasting reeling in what they think is a big gullible fish the less time they have to reel in potential victims.  You do need a heart of steel though and patience helps too.

    • Donny says:

      06:24pm | 18/09/11

      Most of the above and a few supposedly from the Aust Tax Office - The first one made me sit up and take notice tongue laugh.
      A quick visit to the ATO site confirmed it was a scam.  They must be keen if they are imitating Govt Depts !!

      Reply

    • Bev says:

      09:47pm | 18/09/11

      The Tax office one looks real. I checked it out when I heard someone on radio talking about having received one of those.

    • Aaron says:

      08:32am | 19/09/11

      Yeah, I got an ATO email, thinking “That’s odd, the ATO don’t have this email address,” So I clicked on the link, saw the page and it looked real enough, looked at the web address, opened a new tab, typed in ato.gov.au, clicked “Report Fraud.”

    • Audra Blue says:

      07:41pm | 18/09/11

      I recently received a phone call from some chick from the ATO saying that she had some info about my lost super.  Then she wanted me to give her my date of birth so that she could confirm I was the right person she was talking to!!

      I said to her, you rang me, how can you not know that I’m the right person?  I could tell she was reading from a script but she sounded so nice that I decided what was the harm in giving her by birthday.  Then she gave me three phone numbers of super companies that she suggested I call to see about consolidating my super.

      I believe she was legit.  Two out of the three companies are ones that I know I have super with.  The third one I’ve never heard of.  I must say I’m surprised that the ATO would cold call you instead of sending an official letter.  Especially considering the proliferation of scammers on the phone these days.

      Reply

    • Louisa says:

      11:18pm | 18/09/11

      Same thing happened to my husband two days ago. We checked with the ATO website for lost super and sure enough it was noted.

      We were also surprised to receive a phone call and not a letter. The super owed is only a small amount but better is our pockets than the ATO to whom ewe both pay far too much for what we receive

    • DMR says:

      01:31pm | 19/09/11

      I’ve had that one too.  My first instinct was ‘scam’ and I didn’t have time to chat anyway so I accepted her offer to mail me the information instead.  I was actually surprised when I got a letter from the ATO a few days later and realised the cold call was legit.  I’ve never known the ATO to initiate anything with a phone call - they’re usually obsessed with paperwork.

    • Fiona says:

      09:19pm | 18/09/11

      Silent number. We rarely get called by these people. Interestingly I get more spam at work than home and I work in a govt dept. Go figure.

      Reply

    • Bev says:

      09:48pm | 18/09/11

      Sorry I meant an e-mail from the ATO.  Not a phone call.

      Reply

    • Aaron says:

      08:35am | 19/09/11

      Aw, COME ON! Those “We’ve detected a problem with your computer” scam is still going and I haven’t received a call yet? I really want to receive a call and have some fun! I know that sounds malicious, but it would be funny!

      Reply

    • JuzzyD says:

      09:28am | 19/09/11

      They told me they didn’t support Win 3.1. I then asked them to fix my c64. Told them DolphinDOS wouldn’t connect to my wireless. They hung up on me :(.

    • borg says:

      10:16am | 19/09/11

      Don’t be so keen, it took us literally weeks to get rid of the, you have a problem with your computer scam, we tried
      * No thankyou (politely)
      * No thankyou (not politely)
      * which computer system? (answer Microsoft) well we use apple
      * which computer system? (answer Microsoft/Apple) well we use Linux
      * leave the phone of the hook
      * let the pet dog talk to them
      * blowing a whistle in their ear
      * passing the call over to my partially deaf father in law, and telling him it was an interview about how good ‘the good ol days where’

      The last one actually worked, we haven’t heard from them since.

      But seriously they were a pain always calling at dinner time

    • BobL says:

      09:00am | 19/09/11

      I was about to delete an email in my hotmail account 2 weeks ago, that said I had won 2 tickets to Paris. It was after the one from the EU lottery board and before the American GI with the gold bars. Then I read it and I had won. It was a label of a food product that I had filled in on line. Off to Paris in 2 weeks…... So from now on I will read them all before I delete them, plus I will make a note of the Competitions I enter

      Reply

    • Al says:

      09:13am | 19/09/11

      I love those Those “We’ve detected a problem with your computer” scams, they are so much fun to srew with.
      I love the ones claiming to be representing Microsoft.
      I tell them that I don’t have any devices running microsoft products, I use Apple (which I don’t) and then they go into another spiel.
      The other one is “we have detected a problem with your computer”, myt response ‘oh dear, which one I have hundreds here?’ at which stage there is stunned silence and they hang up.

      Reply

    • RyaN says:

      10:41am | 19/09/11

      You forgot to mention the one that is going to scam you out of your hard earned cash. The carbon tax!

      Reply

    • Amir says:

      01:00pm | 19/09/11

      Here Here Ryan!

      Reply

    • Andrew R says:

      01:09pm | 19/09/11

      It’s easy to understand the scam when you think logically. If some third party company outsourced by Microsoft to proactively call you up to advise you that your computer has a problem. These guys must be frantically busy as most people who use Microsoft have problems with their computer.

      Reply

    • Swampy says:

      03:37pm | 19/09/11

      It could happen to anybody!

      I have become the victim of a clever scam while using the car park of our local shopping centre. Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls came over to my car as I was about to get in after finishing my shopping. They both start wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It was impossible not to look. I thanked them and offered them a tip, but they say said “No” and instead asked for a lift to another car park. I agreed and they got in the back seat. On the way, they started having sex with each other. Then, one of them climbed over into the front seat and performed oral sex on me, while this was occuring the other one stole my wallet!

      I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday ... Wednesday, twice on Thursday, & again on Saturday!

      Reply

    • Mikko says:

      06:35pm | 19/09/11

      At least your windscreen must be very clean grin

 
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