An open letter to the people of Kuta re: Schoolies
Dear Peaceful Inhabitants of an Ancient Island,
There are several things you should know about the hordes of young Australians visiting you this week who are collectively known as “Schoolies”.
The first thing is, some of them actually own shirts. Sure, they haven’t worn them much this week, but they do own them.
Also, many of the young ladies own pants that descend below the buttock region.
OK, so they haven’t actually brought any of these pants to Bali this week, but trust us, they do own them.
The second thing you need to understand is that Schoolies Week is an ancient and venerable initiation ritual in Australian culture.
Indeed, it is much like your own Galungan Festival, which celebrates the victory of dharma (natural law, decentness) over adharma (unnaturalness, immorality).
Now, this might seem counter-intuitive given that Schoolies Week appears to be little more than planeload after planeload of drunken brats vomiting on your lovingly-mopped nightclub floors and posting upskirt photos of themselves on social media.
But no. Our Schoolies are in fact mocking the evil spirits through their seemingly repulsive, yobboish behaviour, thereby bestowing a blessing on your enchanted isle.
It’s subtle, but this is what they’re doing. Really it is.
And old blokes wearing Bintang beer singlets are so immersed in your culture that they’re one step away from converting to Hinduism. Oh, and Schappelle Corby thought it was marjoram.
Glad we cleared all that up, then.
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