An open letter to People Who Write Open Letters

I also very much liked the way you addressed the letter to an inanimate object/specific location. It was very charming. The idea of something that cannot read letters receiving a letter was a source of many belly laughs. As a constant recipient of all your colourful, rage-filled open letters, I was disheartened to see that you have not received any replies. Given that you invest so much time in them, I felt compelled to pen a response.

First, however, I must say that I disagree with a number of the points you raised (apologies for being “that guy”, as How I Met Your Mother cast members would say).

You see, Person Who Writes Open Letters, I wasn’t actually in the vicinity of your home when several “young ruffians” spray-painted a giant, detailed portrait of Kevin Rudd on your Prado. And while I agree that Jar Jar Binks is the “worst Star Wars character ever – aside from the yellow robot”, I really must point out that I had nothing to do with the re-release of the prequels in 3D. I have, however, forwarded your violently hateful letter to George Lucas’ PR team, who have assured me they will gleefully shred it as soon as they’ve collected forensic evidence and DNA.

I would also like to refer to your Facebook rant, dated October 17, 2011 and titled: “To the person who left cigarette butts in my grandmother’s flower bed”. I am questioning whether I did, in fact, leave used cigarette portions in your grandmother’s flower bed - unless she’s that horrible old lady who lives by the bike shop.

I have probably dumped between 500 and 2000 butts in her rose garden over the past month. I don’t even smoke - I just really don’t like that particular old lady.

And I am aware that several people failed to RSVP before the date printed in the invitations for your housewarming. I must confess that I was a member of that inconsiderate crowd. For that, I am truly sorry. In my defence, I have never met you. I have never even shared an awkward glance with you across an elevator or discreetly judged your attire in a hotel lobby. I may have once accidentally bumped your car with a trolley at Woolworths, but because I failed to leave a note and fled the scene, we can never be certain.

I must also note that you misspelled my name. It is not “Madonna”, “Beyonce”, “Julia Gillard”, “Kanye West” or “The Father I Never Met”. While I agree that there is indeed a remote chance that the celebrity you have accidentally named will somehow stumble across your Tumblr and be so impressed by your open letter that they will hastily include you in their entourage (or, at the very least, cattily respond to you via Twitter and boost your follower numbers) – it makes it difficult to reply when you address your open letter to a specific person.

Finally, I wish to congratulate you on stumbling upon the most effective, original and least irritating way to make your point. I hope this letter, dear Person Who Writes Open Letters, answers all your questions.

Sincerely,

Person Who Writes Open Letters to People Who Write Open Letters