OK, big bro. You know the drill. Tell me some techo stuff and make me sound intelligent.
It’ll take more than a few technical pointers to make you sound half smart, donkey breath.

As a special new feature, they've put tiny humans inside it

Yeah yeah, and your football team sucks more than mine. Look, just tell me about the new iPad. It’s the third one. So why isn’t it called iPad3?
Why does Apple do anything? It’s a company with a history of slight weird. I mean, “Think Different”. What was that about?

The blurb says the new iPad features a stunning new Retina™ display. Should I be excited?
It basically just means it has a really, really good screen with more pixels per inch.

Were Apple being stingy with the pixels last time or have they found a way to pack more in?
Screens are not made individually. They are made in bloody big sheets which are then cut up into individual units. It takes a while for factories to get ready to do that stuff. My guess is that Apple has almost certainly been having super secret talks with major display manufacturers. They may well have chucked a coupla hundred million bucks at Sharp or Samsung or Toshiba or someone to come up with a better screen.

As you do
Well this is what Apple does to give itself a market edge. It finds people with an innovation they are close to getting to market, then gives them a big leg up to get them to market. This was detailed in the Steve Jobs bio, where Jobs threw money at a type of Crown Corning glass called Gorilla Glass. That’s the really tough glass now found on the front of most smart phones.

The new iPad has, and I quote, “Apple’s new A5X chip with quad-core graphics”. Should I be excited?
Sure. About 10 years ago, the world of chips had a fight…

Like when Red Rock deli hit the market and everyone started making fancy chip flavours.
No, not like that at all, dork features. See, in one corner you had people saying said we can make chips go insanely fast. In the other camp you had a buncha people saying “sure, make fast chips but it’ll be almost impossible to get that speed with small size and low power consumption, and without making the things really really hot.

So who won?
Well, then some people said that the way to get more performance is by baking several chips into one lump of silicone and getting them to work in harness. This is what Apple has done. Each of those chips is called a core. A “quad-core” chip is four chips in one. It’s like if Holden said “Stuff V8s, we can do better with four lawnmower engines”.

Then they’d be making Mazdas
Yeah, well that’s basically what happened. Long story short, the new chip is faster without using more petrol.

The new iPad claims to be “amazingly thin and light”. Is it?
Actually it’s a tiny bit fatter than the old one. But the thing with iPads and smart phones in general is that any complaint about weight or thickness is just churlishness that pays no heed to the extraordinary miracles packed into these tiny things. People should think back to the first mobiles in the 90s which only did voice and text and “snake”. Think how far we’ve come in 15 years. If anyone complains about the new iPad being slightly heavier they are being “ungrateful”.

Does the new iPad download stuff faster?
Not in Australia because our 4G networks aren’t the same us America’s 4G networks. The good news is all Australian telcos have been building extra speed into their 3G networks for a while now and the new iPad has 3G. But a lot of people don’t bother with 3G on their iPads. Most people still only use it at home or in the office where there is wifi.

I don’t have an iPad2, or any iPad, but if I did, should I throw it out?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with an iPad2. It a beautiful machine and at $429, it is now cheaper than most tablet devices from top tier manufacturers. Sure, you can spend $199 or $299 on a cheap Android tablet from Neville Nobody, but Apple has really put the cat among pigeons by making the iPad2 $429.

So are you gonna get a new iPad?
No, my iPad 1 still works beautifully. An iPad is an entirely discretionary item. It is not yet a great replacement for a PC. Not many people use it as primary work tool, even though its email app is very good and there’s some great software for it. When it’s time to do work, people still seem to want a larger keyboard and a larger screen experience, even though it is a truly lovely machine.

Don’t go too Bruce MacAvaney on me
Well it is a lovely machine, but nobody needs an iPad. It’s a lot of fun to have, but I really don’t see that it’s essential.

I think we’ll let the readers decide that…

Simon Sharwood is the Asia Pacific editor of the UK’s number one tech news website, The Register. Follow him on Twitter at @ssharwood
Anthony Sharwood is some dude who walked in off the street.

Most commented


Show oldest | newest first

    • isubotic says:

      12:07pm | 15/03/12

      iDontgiveatinkerscuss about the new, old, or any other iPad.

      “Does the new iPad download stuff faster? Not in Australia….”

    • Mahhrat says:

      12:10pm | 15/03/12

      Anyone who buys Apple products supports slavery in underdeveloped countries.  That is all.

    • Josh says:

      12:22pm | 15/03/12

      @mahhrat, I hope you purchase everything you ever use from industries and countries with appropriate levels of staff welfare and renumeration.

      Otherwise you are an arsehat.

    • skepdad says:

      12:29pm | 15/03/12

      Anyone who buys anything imported could be accused in this way of supporting “slavery” by your definition (i.e. pay and conditions worse than those locally). It’s not limited to Apple.

      You can sit in your airconditioned cafe spouting off about the injustices of income disparity all you like. But what would those people do to support their families if the Apple factories closed down?

      What would the factory owners do if they were forced to provide western pay and conditions to their workers? Increase their cost of manufacturing to the point that it was economically rational for Apple to manufacture elsewhere. Result: factory closes and families starve.

      Like it or not, the world is a complex place, and myopic slogans don’t solve anything.  For many people, that “slavery” manufacturing work is all they have.

    • Budz says:

      12:42pm | 15/03/12

      @Mahrat: The secret is for these people who work at the Apple factories to save money for their kids education and teach them the value of education. That way their kids will be more educated and won’t have to work at an Apple factory like they had to.
      Then if the whole of the middle class of China does this, you will see them increase their earning capacity and become more like one of the Asian Tigers.

    • Bman says:

      01:01pm | 15/03/12

      I’d love to know what 100% Australian made electronic device it is u are using to post to this site on??

    • Phil says:

      01:21pm | 15/03/12


      You mean like anyone who buys Microsoft, Kindle (Amazon), Acer, Cisco, Dell, HP, Intel, Motorola, Nintendo, Samsung, Sony, Toshiba etc .... all of those companies use Foxconn.

      Pretty stupid comment for you to make really given so many large companies use the same factories yet you single out Apple.

    • Samuel says:

      01:28pm | 15/03/12

      “Like it or not, the world is a complex place, and myopic slogans don’t solve anything”.


    • Mahhrat says:

      02:42pm | 15/03/12

      *sighs happily*

      I’ll be under my bridge if anyone needs me.

    • skepdad says:

      09:55pm | 15/03/12

      Either you realised how idiotic your original point was and are now pretending to have deliberately trolled, which is pathetic, or you really did just deliberately troll, which is pathetic.

      Perhaps you’d be more at home at the Something Awful forums? Actually wait, some of the trolls on SA are funny and clever. Never mind.

    • morrgo says:

      10:20am | 16/03/12

      @Mahhrat, arguments about third-world sweatshops betray a deep ignorance about the real world. 

      People working in third-world sweatshops have actually improved their, and their family’s, lot compared to trying to make a living out of a piece of land the size of an Australian backyard.  They are learning skills that allow them to move even further up.  As demonstrated in China, their wages are increasing, reflecting increasing productivity. 

      Forcing the sweatshops to pay Western wages without western productivity would force their shutdown and send the workers back to rural poverty.

    • Martin says:

      12:16pm | 15/03/12

      I’ve been reading quite a few iPad 3/HD/Claytons reviews and this is the first one that explains it thoroughly and humorously. Very informative. I particularly liked the playful “tech clueless vs tech savvie” approach. Would love to see the start of a regular “new tech review” column.

      Bravo !

      P.S: Does ant really have donkey breath ?

    • RyaN says:

      12:31pm | 15/03/12

      @Martin: “tech savvie” of course you are joking right. I mean the so called “tech savvie” insinuated that Apple invented Quad Cores… and I quote..

      “Well, then some people said that the way to get more performance is by baking several chips into one lump of silicone and getting them to work in harness. This is what Apple has done. Each of those chips is called a core. A “quad-core” chip is four chips in one. ”

    • Martin says:

      04:15pm | 15/03/12


      You say “Tomato” I say “Tomarto”. I read Simon’s statement to mean that there was this concept floating around that several manufacturers took advantage of, including Apple. Not that Apple itself invented Quad cores.

      And for the record, I own a newly minted ASUS Transformer Prime.

      Don’t really care if it was assembled by 5 year old Somalian children: me likey Ice Cream Sandwich ! I’ll donate to World Vision to placate my guilt if necessary.

    • RyaN says:

      11:33am | 16/03/12

      @Martin: Hardly, in the context of the sentence it means only one thing.
      This is unsurprising since Apple have claimed many other 8 year old innovations on this product as their own, not to mention “groundbreaking”.

    • RyaN says:

      12:21pm | 15/03/12

      Does it still have the same lame and boring old interface that we see on all “iCrap” products?

    • Ben C says:

      01:04pm | 15/03/12

      @ RyaN

      You should know by now that you can’t actually see what Apple has changed, if it has changed anything at all.

    • RyaN says:

      02:10pm | 15/03/12

      @Ben C: I don’t think most people notice it, they are still trying to figure out how to load their kids DVDs onto their iPad so they can justify at least one actual use for it. Sadly they will be waiting a long time.

    • Ben C says:

      03:06pm | 15/03/12

      @ RyaN

      Is that before or after they’ve gone looking for the keyboard?

    • John says:

      12:23pm | 15/03/12

      Apple products are luxury products, luxury’s products will cause the next great depression. You can spend your way out of debt.

    • Kassandra says:

      12:38pm | 15/03/12

      I really liked this. Thanks guys.

    • SimpleSimon says:

      12:42pm | 15/03/12

      I’m considering buying an iPad 2… I love toys, and have no need for it, but I want one. Maybe if I have some spare cash in the next few months I’ll treat myself.

    • willg says:

      12:45pm | 15/03/12

      Apple are not better than anything except marketing. And here is an example. The new ipad comes out today. Nothing new worth mentioning and it gets plugged on news.com.au

      Mr Sharwood, Was this paid or unpaid? If unpaid WTF? Are you a apple fanboy? Will we get one next time toshiba or kindle or samsung bring one out?

    • Tony of Poorakistan says:

      02:39pm | 15/03/12

      I agree; any Android tablet is better than this. At least you don’t need the iTunes virus to do anything and apps are way cheaper and more plentiful with Android. 
      That said, I am currently evaluating Windows 8, which is lighter and faster than Windows 7 with at least the same functionality and is designed for tablets and touch screens. I predict it will garner 50% market share for tablets when shipped on a Samsung or LG.

    • Ohcomeon says:

      07:36am | 16/03/12

      That made me LoL. Ive used and setup pretty much every variant of the current generation of tablets, and not a single Android device performs anywhere near as well as IOS, even on better hardware. I use my ipad every day for music creation, shame you cant do it on an android device because they havent built low level audio access into the kernel. The audio latency is 5-10 times slower than IOS. Not to mention that the apps are a much higher quality on IOS, most Android downloads are free as the apps arent worth paying for. Win 8 could be a game changer, but the consumer preview isnt a real indication of its performance.

      Im a long way from being an Apple fanboy, but their appliances (phone, pods, pads) are elegant and they work.

    • Ohcomeon-myface says:

      12:01pm | 16/03/12

      @Ohcomeon- Yeah, but you’re trying to produce music on an ipad. Anything you said before or after that tid bit became irrelevant.. Amateur.

    • Ohcomeon says:

      12:28pm | 16/03/12

      “Ohcomeon-myface says:  Yeah, but you’re trying to produce music on an ipad. Anything you said before or after that tid bit became irrelevant.. Amateur.”

      Lols, because my ipad is my entire rig. You tool. Its a portable sketchpad. I get the feeling you dont have the faintest idea of whats possible on the ipad these days.

      Why do I also have a feeling you couldnt produce anything interesting with 100k worth of boutique outboard? Gear snobs rarely make anything worth listening to in my experience.

    • Null and Void says:

      02:08pm | 15/03/12

      I can only comment on things I use my iPad for but as a portable music studio, spending $6 on the garageband app is the best thing you can do. If you want to make it sound even better, you can get a third party hardware interface and plug your guitar/microphone in for demo’s on the road!

      It’s a worthy contender in that field. I will never buy another difficult to use, basically useless portable audio recorder again.

      As far as basic functions go, you CAN use it as a mini computer when you get the appropriate attachment- a case that has a soft button keyboard in it. I don’t use mine for emails because I don’t send emails but it’s pretty great for internet. I don’t miss getting viruses from flash, to be honest. So screw you, Flash lovers. I don’t want to use my interweb mega-bites on stupid banner ads anyway…

      I don’t really care if you think I’m an Apple Fangirl because I thought Apple sucked until Windows brought out the travesty that was Vista. I have the iPad2 so I won’t be upgrading this time but I hope the next upgrade is a major audio/video overhaul for me. Don’t care about you. I want. smile

    • Ohcomeon says:

      07:44am | 16/03/12

      Youll get into music creation even more when you ditch Garageband . GB looks and sounds great but is very restricted. Try Meteor, Nanostudio or Beatmaker 2 for fully featured workstations.

      In summer i throw my ipad and a mini midi keyboard into a bag on my bike and sit by the river composing, with about 1/4 of the weight of my laptop rig. Bliss.

    • Noely says:

      03:24pm | 15/03/12

      Very Funny article.  We had to seriously look at this stuff for our daughter for Uni and found that once you downloaded everything that actually made it useful, and then of course paid for the different cords & attachments, it was not that cheap and was in reality an expensive toy.  Not to mention that so many Uni’s use Google Docs now, plus she could not use her tablet at uni, then download the notes at home on her PC for a big screen view when doing assignments.  We ended up getting the more expensive (one off cost) of the Asus Transformer Prime, it had way more memory, was more secure with it flipping closed, gave her more screen real estate when taking notes due to the slimline keyboard, had the USB port etc., and has been way more useful for her.  Obviously there were more benefits as well, but she has now seen so many others at Uni doing the same, basically using their old ipad as a toy (unless they are a feral apple fan, then they still perservere in the face of logic), and a REAL tablet to actually achieve real results without the drama of having a bulkier lap top.  Moral of the story…  If you want a Tool do your homework, don’t buy into PR hype and buy a Toy.

    • Ohcomeon says:

      07:49am | 16/03/12

      Hilarious. I maintain fleets of enterprise PCs for a living, and the ipad is no toy. The only thing it really needs is an exposed usb port, but seeing as mine lives totally in the cloud, its not necessary for me.

      Id love to know what real results you can do on a Transformer and not an ipad. They are both just a portable computer with a touchscreen.

    • Seth Brundle says:

      10:06am | 16/03/12

      Expand the memory?

    • RyaN says:

      02:23pm | 16/03/12

      @Ohcomeon: Load a DVD in less than 6 hours?
      Visit a web page with flash?
      Not look like a total douche bag?

    • Cynicised says:

      03:39pm | 15/03/12

      Love me my iPad2, am using it now and don’t care either if the techie- cool -and - ironic amongst us think they’re crap. It is portable, compact and perfectly functional for the several uses I have for it. Admittedly, no Flash is a pain at times though, but access to just about everything else is very handy indeed, wherever I am.

      Loved this piece, it was a fun way to present the info, thanks Ant and AntBro. Am thinking about upgrading because of the HD display and handing this on to a friend who could really use it . Win- win all round, I reckon.

    • Fred says:

      04:05pm | 15/03/12

      They’re good for browsing the net whilst slothed out watching the tele. They’re probably also temporarily good for one’s self esteem given the amount of trendiness and sophistication Apple’s image has.

      But for $800 you can stick it. I’ll get one in a few years for $50.

      I guess they’d be good for reading pdfs on the bus, I want one.

    • people says:

      04:22pm | 15/03/12

      I still cannot use the little yellow note pads that you use to give urgent messages to others and that you stick on the desks of other workers.

    • thatmosis says:

      04:40pm | 15/03/12

      Oh dear, another must have for all the wannabes to line up and be the first to own. What a joke. Apple only invents these things so that idiots keep upgrading their old ones. Its like the cure for which there is no disease and Apple are laughing all the way to the banks.

    • Matthew says:

      07:04pm | 15/03/12

      Gotta give Apple that the pixel density on the iPad 3 is impressive, but otherwise it’s a great big pile of mediocrity. My transformer prime still has a boatload more built in functionality

    • Dan Webster says:

      07:59pm | 15/03/12

      Apple have changed the market place over the last decade.
      iPod & iTunes changed the way we get and listen to our music (The death of CDs).
      iPhone touch screens deleted keys/buttons on phones which allowed more screen space. Nearly every new phone is a touch screen. The extra screen space has allowed phones to be more useful, think Apps etc.
      iPad killed the NetBook and will eventually kill the NoteBook.

      Every other brand has copied…...

    • maybe says:

      10:24am | 16/03/12

      Not entirely true.  They may have popularised the tech tho. I had a HTC touch screen windows mobile phone a couple of years before iPhones were on the scene.  I listened to mp3s before iPods were out.

    • Paul M says:

      09:19pm | 15/03/12

      Without smart folders, the ipad email app is useless. No way to filter out the spam.

    • peter says:

      07:39am | 16/03/12

      I used to buy apple products when they were not the mainstream.  now that they are the mainstream in portable devices I buy android.  maybe I just don’t like being in the mainstream with tech

    • prosperity says:

      09:18am | 16/03/12

      Apple (CAPITALISM) only invents ... things so that idiots keep upgrading their old ones. Its like the cure for which there is no disease and Apple (THE CAPITALISTS) are laughing all the way to the banks.

    • philip says:

      12:39pm | 16/03/12

      apple doesnt invent what they do is take an existing idea and market it to the gullible claiming taht they invented mp3 players, computers , tablets hell they even had a gaming console which failed anyway all steve jobs was good at was marketing and now that hes dead apple will hopefully go down in the next few years thats if Microsoft doesnt throw them a bone again like last time to keep them afloat.

    • Cynicised says:

      12:50pm | 16/03/12

      Gosh, are you saying we live in a CAPITALISTsociety? Well I never! So glad you CAPITALISED that for me.

      Apple may have a frequent new model strategy, but I see it as an opportunity to spread useful technology to those who can’t afford to buy it each time I upgrade. If you’re so worried about CAPITALISM, how about you do the charitable thing too, if you can afford it? Or are you just a name-calling troll ?

    • prosperity says:

      05:12pm | 16/03/12

      Cynicised: I don’t understand your contribution.  Am I to understand that giving away things you no longer want is ‘“charity”? Are not my financial circumstances and charitable works my own business? And, finally, can you please explain to me what is a “name-callilng troll’?

    • Cynicised says:

      08:31pm | 16/03/12

      @prosperity. Giving away something valuable I could easily sell is a charitable thing to do, yes, unless your definition of charity differs to mine.

      A name- calling troll is someone who a) calls people idiots for upgrading.   And b) a troll is someone who attempts to cause mischief deiberately on the net.

      Hope that’s cleared it up for you.

    • RonaldR says:

      01:10pm | 16/03/12

      If it is true what this article says about the G4 models the ACCC should be looking into the sale of these models in Australia Australian retailers are already advertising these models for sale .It is no different to what Harvey Norman recently received a large fine after ACCC took them to court for Advertising the sale of 3D televisions to watch the football finals in places where it was not being transmitted in 3D

    • maybe says:

      01:26pm | 16/03/12

      I really wish the media would stop referring the LTE and whatever network they use in the States as 4G.  It’s not even.  Neither meet the ITU definition.

    • Anjuli says:

      01:51pm | 16/03/12

      I was told the other day by an IT guy in his opinion, Apple do one thing really well MARKETING,says there are others on the market which better serve people. . His choice of lap top for me would be an ASUS,for when I have finished with my desk top.

    • GB says:

      04:28pm | 16/03/12

      “Dork Features”.

      Ha Ha. haven’t heard that in a while!

      I like your brother already Ant.

    • Peter Henderson says:

      08:37pm | 17/03/12

      As a high school IT teacher and working around technology all day I can definitely say that Apple products aren’t worth the hype. The only reason that they get the media that they do is purely because of marketing tactics and appearance.


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