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A slightly sozzled toast to bad mothers everywhere

Daniela Elser

by Daniela Elser

06 Oct 06:00am

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Filed under: Ayelet Waldman, Children, Lenore Skenzay, Motherhood, Parenting, Society

57 comments

New York journalist Lenore Skenzay let her 9-year-old son Izzy ride the subway by himself. The result was nothing short of hysterical. The syndicated columnist and her travelling tot suddenly found themselves at the centre of a media storm that saw Skenazy tarred as a Bad Mother for audiences from Chile to China and even Malta.

Give yourself a little credit for not actually dropping the baby. Picture: Channel Nine

If there had been a handy pond nearby I’m sure there would have been at least one conservative commentator willing to find out whether she floated.

Skenazy is the author of “Free Range Kids”: her thesis being that we should untangle parenting from irrational fear and bring a certain rationality to the business of kid raising.

Her book can be traced in a line of work that could be dubbed the Bad Mommy genre of confessional writing that has emerged in the last few years that has sought to offer a counterpoint to the frenzied, goal-focused, perfectionist mantra of motherhood that has become the acceptable standard of being a Good Parent.

Skenazy’s controversial ideas are interesting given she has joined a growing number of writers whose view on the changing emphasis placed on parenthood, especially motherhood, has exposed the feverish flush of anxiety and control that now is popularly seen to be mandatory.

Novelist Ayelet Waldman was largely ahead of the curve, with her now infamous essay for the New York Times in 2005 in which she admitted that the passionate, intense love that consumed her was that which she felt for her husband, not her four children.

“If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children,” Waldman wrote.

In her piece, Waldman frets over whether allowing her husband (novelist Michael Chabon) to occupy a central place in her emotional world makes her a failure.

“I am the only woman in Mommy and Me who seems to be, well, getting any. This could fill me with smug sense of well-being. I could sit in the room and gloat over my wonderful marriage. I could think about how our sex life - always vital, even torrid - is more exciting and imaginative now than it was when we first met. I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. I could even gaze pityingly at the other mothers in the group, wishing that they too could experience a love as deep as my own.”

“But I don’t. I am far too busy worrying about what’s wrong with me. Why, of all the women in the room, am I the only one who has not made the erotic transition a good mother is supposed to make? Why am I the only one incapable of placing her children at the center of her passionate universe?”

Waldman went on to turn her musings into a book called (what else?) “Bad Mother” which hit bookshelves last year. Reflecting on the brouhaha that conflagrated in the wake of her original piece and the surge in the number of books in the “Bad Mom” genre, Waldman told the New York Times: “There has been a backlash against that ‘perfect mother,’ and now people are starting to ache for a more realistic way to define women and motherhood.”

Her book has been joined by a number of titles by well-known women who have shared their confusion, angst and downright need for a drink since becoming mothers.

Founder of phenomenally popular blog, Dooce.com (it attracts 7 million hits a month), Heather Armstrong recently published a book called, “It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita”.

Actress Dani Klein wrote “Afterbirth: Stories You Won’t Read in a Parenting Magazine”.

All of these books in some way reinforce the idea of motherhood being a pursuit that leaves one perpetually open to a mass of potential criticism and judgement, while floundering in the midst of a deeper personal crisis.

“To be a mother—even simply to be a woman—in today’s world is to be made exhausted and resentful by a role or set of roles that we don’t recall deliberately choosing,” Sandra Tsing-Loh commented in an article for The Atlantic entitled On Being a Bad Mother.

Tsing-Loh says of her poor- by modern standards sort of parenting: “I am bad, not in that fluttery, anxious, 21st-century way educated middle-class mothers consider themselves ‘failures’ because they snap when they are tired, because they occasionally feed their kids McNuggets, because as they journal they soulfully question whether they’re mindfully attaining a proper daily work/life balance.”

What this genre of writing reflects is the cultural renegotiation we are currently experiencing about what being a decent parent means.

Whether some might think being a bad parent means feeding your kids fresh-from-the-box Mac’n’cheese or letting them catch the 380 to Bondi, take comfort from the fact there are a growing number of parents who think you’re doing a good job. Now pass the Bloody Mary mix.

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57 comments

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    • Walker Waters says:

      06:17am | 06/10/10

      Now when I talk to God,I think he understands, he says ..stick by me I,ll be your guiding hand…this is also good advice for mothers and fathers,children need some gentle prodding to find their path to sense and sensibility. Allowing the free ranging child has some merit,in the sense of finding autonomy,but if it were to become mainstream, the ensuing chaos is more than humanity could stand.

      Reply

    • God of nothing says:

      03:31pm | 06/10/10

      you do realise god doesnt actually exist dont you?  if you are hearing voices in your head, i would suggest going to see a doctor.  but of course, the first step in realising you have a problem (voices in your head) is actually accepting you have a problem

    • m says:

      04:00pm | 06/10/10

      I completely disagree with you, having read the book myself I think she states some very true and sensible arguments.  In its most basic form she is referring to the childhood 95% of us had, the ‘us’ I refer to are those who grew up in the 70’s where the world was not filled with the current mass media fuelled paranoia we face today.  Crime has not become any worse since then, in fact in most Australian cities, crime rates, per captia,  have dropped considerably it’s just that we now hear about every single bad thing that happens, as it happens.  TV was family shows back then now it’s all crime dramas and the sensationalism of crime.  Is it any wonder parents are so paranoid!

    • T.Chong says:

      06:55am | 06/10/10

      Quoting Sandra Tsling - Loh is probaly not the best.  Her main claim to fame was deliberatly decieving by two timing from her partner, then writing and whining about how she was the victim when her duplicity was caught out, and her relationship ended- classy lady.
      Most normal parents manage to find a balance between over protecting, overbearing, and letting the kids run riot.
      The Brit pic may be funny, ( in order to enhance the story), but the toddler was looking at pretty serios injury if he had have hit the deck head first.
      Being pissed or stoned , then doing something that could injure a kiddy, (accidently , of course) aint acceptable, and that would make anyone a bad , negliegent parent.

      Reply

    • Mr GG says:

      12:05pm | 06/10/10

      back in the 80’s kids did occasionally get dropped and worse. I know I got whacked in the head by a ceiling fan thanks to and over exited aunty who didn’t check where she was standing before lifting me up. my brother got like 2 kilos of frozen meat dropped on him when he was just a toddler standing under the freezer door.

      Kids Are tougher than you think, strangely enough since Biologically we are still made to be climbing around caves and hunting wilder-beasts we don’t actually need to be bubble wrapped to survive.

    • Lucius says:

      07:21am | 06/10/10

      Why do people always blame the mother? Last time I checked most kids had fathers too. And I think we are already seeing the consequences of free range parenting - with children as young as 10 getting knocked up, becoming drug addicts, on the streets at 2am in the morning and in gangs.

      Reply

    • Adam Diver says:

      07:50am | 06/10/10

      The mother seems to feel guilt from 3rd parties. Fathers seem to only feel guilt from themselves, that is at least my generalisation drawn from observations.

      Loving your partner more than your kids and needing a drink to deal with your children are still bad examples of parenting and hopefully don’t become the norm.

    • HappyCynic says:

      08:21am | 06/10/10

      Oh bullsh*t, that isn’t free range parenting, that is not parenting at all (either because those kids have no parents or they wish they had no parents) and the problems you describe are nowhere near as commonplace as you might be led to believe.

      I had to travel the 30 odd kilometres to school by myself from the age of 5.  I had to walk half a km to the bus stop (crossing several busy streets), get on the bus and then get off at the right place and had no problems ever doing it.  My parents wouldn’t have let me do it if I wasn’t capable of it though. 

      And that’s the key, give your kid the independence they are capable of handling and for f**ks sake parents don’t forget to live a little outside of your childrens lives, they are not your number one responsibility and never should be, your health and sanity is your number one responisibility, kids come a close second.

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      09:01am | 06/10/10

      Hey Happy Cynic,

      Ever have a look at what child mortality was ‘back in your day’ and how it compares to now?  The margin of error with deciding what your kids can and can’t handle can be a little too demanding.

    • Scarneck says:

      09:07am | 06/10/10

      Well said HappyCynic says: 08:21am.  I too was five and walking to school, why? because I was capable. The over protectiveness of children today is laughable, no wonder we are the number one obese nation in the world.

    • marley says:

      09:55am | 06/10/10

      Austin - yeah, the child mortality rate was higher 50 years ago - but it was from measles and the like, not from being allowed to ride a bicycle to school or catch a subway on your own.

      We’re raising a generation of teenagers and young adults, many of whom have been so protected in infancy that they have no coping skills when it comes to the real world.  Is that really the best we can do for our kids? Or would allowing them to confront some judiciously selected challenges, as in free-ranging them, be a better option?

    • HappyCynic says:

      10:53am | 06/10/10

      @Austin 3:16

      I was born in the 1980’s, and childhood mortality rates in my day is the same as it is now and I’m not railing against modern times, I love the fact that I live in this time, but I think parents who over-parent to the detriment of their own enjoyment are not only abusing themselves but their children.

    • Mamfy2 says:

      02:52pm | 06/10/10

      My just turned 6 year old catches the bus to and from school everyday, I walk out of the front yard and watch him get on the bus and I am there in the same spot of an afternoon.
      However the almost 10 year old across the street isn’t allowed to walk to the shop on his own because he is not responsible enough to do it.
      So why can my son do such “big kid” things and the 10 year old can’t?
      Because I haven’t wrapped him up in cotton wool and told him to wait till he is older that is why! a little responsibility goes along way in making sure they make the right choices in life.
      Does that make me a bad mother?

    • Steph says:

      03:35pm | 06/10/10

      Gods, Adam Diver, you think needing a drink to deal with your children is “Bad Parenting”? Have you ever had kids yourself? Do you know what it’s like to repeatedly try to put your son to bed while he’s telling you he’s tired but doesn’t want the horrible reality that is sleep? Or when you’re feeding your son some food and he’s screaming because he wants what you’re eating? (Don’t say “You should teach him better, he’s 10 months old, you can’t tell a child that age anything). Cut us women who do feel the need for a drink every now and then some slack - I would love to see you try on our shoes for a week and come out saying that we’re bad parents.

      And Lucius, there’s a difference between “I don’t care” or “I haven’t got time” parenting and letting your children have some space to grow and learn on their own. Nowadays both parents are working and neither gets home till late, leaving the children to entertain themselves without any guidance, which leads them to spending more time out or with a bad crowd. After all, they can’t get in trouble for something they’re not being told off for because the parents don’t know or are too busy to care.

    • austin 3:16 says:

      07:27am | 07/10/10

      Hey Marley,

      I initially thought in a very similar fashion but when the ABS looked at child mortality from 1982 to 1996 they found that:
      “The child death rate was 52 deaths per 100,000 children during 1982-86 and declined to 36 in 1992-96.”

      and they also found that
      “The leading cause of death among young children was accidents, poisoning and violence (external causes) which accounted for about 46% of all deaths among children.”

      Notice that is not measles and the like, it’s external causes.

      http://www.abs.gov.au/Ausstats/abs@.nsf/mf/4398.0

      Again from the ABS
      “In 2004, there were 569 deaths of children aged 1-14 years. The death rate for children was 15 per 100,000 children (footnote 8) (ABS 2006c).”

      So Happy Cynic who was born in the 80’s

      In 1982 the child death rate was 52 deaths per 100,000 children
      In 2004 the child death rate was 15 deaths per 100,000 children.

      This is not the same, in fact 15 is a much lower number than 52.

      So there we have if fellas, according to the ABS external causes are the biggest cause of child death, accident, poisoning and violence. And the rate of child death has fallen from the 1980’s into this decade.

    • JJ says:

      08:05am | 06/10/10

      I am the first to admit my devotion to the kids, but I try to have some perspective that my role is a temporary one and hands off is sometimes a better teacher.  There seems to be an explosion in women that enter an all consuming “motherverse” after childbirth, where nothing else exists but their children.  This mix of wild animal protectionism and an all consuming hobby maybe about survival, but it creates the most dull and boring conversations.

      Reply

    • Caroline says:

      08:36am | 06/10/10

      Too right!!

    • Emma says:

      08:39am | 06/10/10

      I was a free range kid in the 80s. I went to the parks, came home for lunch, went back and came home for dinner. My mother had no idea which park I was at or what I was doing. She trusted that the values she instilled would hold me in good stead and they did. The fact that there were at least 10 other kids running around the neighbourhood on any given day made us all feel safe.
      Now that I am a parent myself. No way in hell could I let my kids do that. Heck my seven yr old still refuses to go to his friends house 8 doors up with no roads to cross because you need to go with your family. I did ask him if he wanted to try because I thought it might be acceptable but apparently no.
      This is why parenting is harder for us than before, because our kids need constant supervision. They are almost useless at problem solving. I feel I am failing because of this but I still have no idea what to do about it. I approached the school and asked how to instill independance. They laughed and said be careful you don’t want dhs on your doorstep! Honestly what do I do?
      I wanted to start a national day called meet the kids. It would be where parents pack a picnic sit on their front lawns and let the kids walk around the block to meet people to play with near them. They would then be supervised at least and it is a chance at independance. It would require full participation though.

      Reply

    • The Civet says:

      01:54pm | 06/10/10

      Any mother who over-cossets, or hasn’t got the guts to stand up to the oh so politically correct neighbourhood gossips, is making her child a wimp.
      Any mother who is wingeing about the difficulty of supervising her child, not to mention complaining about all the work she does, is probably a liar. Why, I hear you ask? Because anyone who has the time to sit at the computer and write long letters to on-line newspapers would have the time to expand their parenting duties.

      You ask ‘What do I do?’ To begin with a child cannot learn ‘independence’
      from a school. A school can only re-enforce something the parent has already instilled in the child.

      Life is a minefield which children have to go through in order to grow up. Sure, many accidents happen in a minefield, but stopping children from walking through it is an exercise in futility. Also, the children who have been prevented from going through this minefield end up bored witless and unable to cope with adulthood. The result? They become hoons or strays.

    • Emma says:

      05:37pm | 06/10/10

      It is not about standing up to neighborhood gossips it is about DHS they clearly state that leaving a child alone unsupervised is child abuse. My oldest is 7. 
      I did not ask my school to teach my child independance I asked them what was appropriate for the age group. 
      You have not offered advice or an opinion, you have attacked me. I thought the punch did not allow this to happen however I am the first to admit when I am wrong. My point still is we need to start somewhere and a national meet the neighbours day would not be a sad thing.

    • Kelly says:

      06:37pm | 06/10/10

      Why can’t your kid go and play on their own? I did this in the 80’s and no problems. Sounds like your kid doesn’t have the skills to go out as you haven’t forced him to go out and develop them. Why don’t you ask your mum how she got you to go out and gain confidence the first few times? Or just go and doorknock the neighbours and introduce yourself and see if they have kids your kid can play with. What are you afraid of?

    • Heather says:

      08:43am | 06/10/10

      I detest overly protective parents; the type who ALWAYS complain about trivial twaddle like a loose bolt on the swingset, who sue at the drop of a hat, and who are paranoid about every single possible risk that could possibly harm their precious, usually whiny, irritating and spoilt little brats. It is only in Western societies that children are treated as delicate little flowers until they are, sometimes, in their 20s. In other nations, children have to be independent. Parents at my workplace make lunch every day for their 17 year old teenagers, and think I was an unbelievably bad parent for forcing my kids to work, pay board, and leave home at 18…but then they come and ask me for advice on how their kids can learn to save money and invest, as mine do! Sure I worry about my kids doing stupid things; but I probably did far worse…and I worry far more about them not growing up to be independent, resilient adults. Life isn’t a fairy tale, and rarely ends up happily ever after. Parents who overly protect their children are FAR WORSE parents than those who allow sensible independence. If parents mollycoddle their kids and tell them that every single thing they do is *special*, they will never grow up; and when a bad things, like marriage breakups, or a natural disasters, or for overly protected children, even being told that they cannot sing; inevitably happens to them, they will have no resilience; and end up as basket cases, instead of just saying; oh well, a bad thing happened, get over it, and learn from the experience.

      Reply

    • S. Morris says:

      09:40am | 06/10/10

      Some women believe their lives only start when they have children and want to be with them constantly. Children and parents need lives of their own and must create them. Surely the ‘best’ parent is one that bring up children who want to leave the family home and have their own existence as soon as possible. The parents who are guilty of ‘continual parenting’ are those who allow their little darlings to interrupt adult conversations.

    • Sunnie says:

      09:39am | 06/10/10

      How pathetic this is.
      Try being a sole parent and a male at the same time.
      I found raising my child easy?
      Try being honest, turn off the TV and set boundaries and tell them why they are set.
      The only time the child went missing was in the care of a mother who was too busy chatting on the phone.
      Sunnie

      Reply

    • Good Parent says:

      10:12am | 06/10/10

      My sister and I, (now mothers ourselves) look back and laugh at the way we were raised.  We were in country towns where kids on the farm learned how to drive as soon as they could reach the pedals.  Our parents would leave us on literally deserted islands to play in shark-infested waters while they went fishing. We rode our bikes to school.  Our parents were (and still are) very supportive, but they are not rescuers with capes ready to swoop at the merest whiff of conflict.

      Today it seems belief that only good self esteem will lead to successful people. Kids are allowed to rule the home and lives of parents careful to not hurt their feelings or risk upset.  Teaching your kids to be inquisitive, allowing them to demonstrate independence,  suffer consequence and learn resilience by allowing them to fall over and getting up again several thousand times over is hysterically branded “bad parenting”.

      Reply

    • Shazy says:

      10:30am | 06/10/10

      One of my colleagues was attending a “Parents Workshop” On asking what it was about, she said its about how to rid your child of his fears. I found the whole concept laughable. Back when I was a kid and that was not very long ago- a decade ago may be, when i was afraid of something-like lightening, my parents told me about what lightening is and why I should not be afraid of it but careful. However, now it seems, you need to tell your child it is OK to be afraid and then cuddle them because apprently, anything else would make them losse confidence. Hmm affirming their fears will instill confidence. Seems like a contradiction. There should be “Balance”. Give your kids independence, let them be self dependent. That would help them in being a well balanced adult.

      Reply

    • Robert S McCormick says:

      11:56am | 06/10/10

      Good on Lenore Skenzay!
      It is beyond time we stopped wrapping our children in cotton wool! The poor, delicate little darlings are not allowed to fall & scratch themselves, they have got to be protected from life itself which raises another issue: Food. Our kids are not allowed to do anything even remotely scary, exciting or involving a modicum of danger… BUT… we are allowed to take them to Fast Junk Food outlets where they consume huge quantities of Carcinogenic Trans Fats (Artificial fats manufactured in chemical laboratories from god knows what) they add no nutrition just make the rubbish served up taste better. We are also allowed to stuff our children from these same outlets with products which have loads of sugar, salt & saturated fats of the worst sort. Now that IS Child Abuse!
      We are allowed & allow our kids to become increasingly obese & we do so for ‘a bit of peace’.
      Thanks to various, mostly self-styled, “experts” our kids are being turned into obese, soft, frightened wimps. The way these fool experts carry on you would think that the entire world is dangerous. It is not. Sure there are dangerous places in every city where even adults avoid. I have friends who live in New York, London and have done for many years. they, as kids, & their kids travel around quite safely in those cities & no-one says a word. The only reason Lenore has come in for criticism is that she is somewhat high-profile. Just rmember that many of our kids are in far more danger in their homes, schools &, in particular, churches form the activities of all those ‘good family men & women’, the pillars of society in their communities’’ and those hand-washing holy hypocrites we call priests, bishops etc.

      Reply

    • Anjuli says:

      12:14pm | 06/10/10

      In 1944 I traveled from the North East of England by Steam train to London to visit relatives ,I was 9 years of age of course I was put onto the train by my mother ,my sister met me at the other end , All the carriages were filled with defense personnel so I felt very safe ,as a girl I used to catch buses to here and there at the ages ranging from 8 to 14 after which I started work. My own children used to go every where on their bicycles as soon as they got onto the bigger bikes and allowed to catch the train and buses to the beach . Their children however are now prevented form doing this unless accompanied by an adult,the reason being there seems to be much more bullying around than before. A question to ask will these children grow to be more paranoid than their mums and dads.

      Reply

    • JimH says:

      12:44pm | 06/10/10

      Bad parents. Where would our junkies or dole bludgers of today be without ‘em…

      Reply

    • M says:

      12:45pm | 06/10/10

      I really like Lenore Skenzays ideas on parenting. She has a great blog

      Reply

    • HB says:

      12:48pm | 06/10/10

      The point is, that like in all aspects of life - balance is the key.  Unfortunately this can be hard to do. Children need guidance, if I don’t weed my garden the weeds will takeover and the flowers will die, the same applies to children.  You need to weed out the behavours that will cause them difficulties as they grow and encourage the ones that will lead to productive lives.  Age appropriate decision making is extremely important. Giving a toddler the choice between 2 options is smarter than between 10 options.  Letting a teenager decide what is more important - watching TV or homework is beneficial, as is allowing the consequences that follow.  Sometimes we don’t allow the consequences of actions to play out because we know them and fear them - the child needs know and fear them too.  While free range parenting is dangerous, so is hover parenting.  Aim for a balance between the two.

      Reply

    • Mike says:

      12:50pm | 06/10/10

      It’s about time someone wrote an article like this, the standards mothers set on other mothers are ludicrous, ridiculous and totally out of step with reality. It almost seems today that mothers are more interested in parenting other peoples children than they are their own. Seriously cut yourselves and other mothers some slack, nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.

      Reply

    • MsRAMHY says:

      01:11pm | 06/10/10

      I am not a mother but too was raised in the 80’s where I was able to roam the streets with the 15 other kids from the neighbourhood - obviously within reason. I loved it, not to mention the fact that I’m sure it gave mum and dad some time for themselves. Saying that, I would be hesitant to let my (non existent) kids do that today. I do however hate the pussy whipped bunch of parents which seem to occupy most of everywhere. After only yesterday farewelling my brother and neice from a short stay I was looking forward to my own couch, no 24/7 cartoons and bargaining because apparently “No” and “because I said so” are not acceptable terms. BS! Drop you kids at my place for a week. I may end the week as an alcoholic but atleast your kids will have spines and know what sunshine looks like.

      Reply

    • emma says:

      02:55pm | 06/10/10

      I use no and I said so all the time. I also have pay tv and kids. The only reason you are grumpy like my brother who complains the same, is they told you to leave the remote alone.

    • MsRAMHY says:

      03:42pm | 06/10/10

      Melanie - I agree as I said - I would be hesitant in letting my kids run around by themselves as as you said they 80’s were different.

      Emma, it was my house!

    • emma says:

      05:54pm | 06/10/10

      @ Ms Rahmy its ok to speak up. Your house your rules. All kids know that there are different rules when they visit a different house. Dude I think you got jibbed.

    • Melanie says:

      01:57pm | 06/10/10

      At Ms RAHMY, seriously do you go around making noob comments about parents be one first lady then sprout rubbish. You can lob any name you like at parents these days but be in our shoes for one minute.

      As for over protecting, well okay one example said to the boys will walk you to the park so you know how to get there and get back, take them what do we see in the space of 10 minutes, some guys with his pants down, teenagers screaming abuse at each other, and drunks, thanks my kids learned a valuable lesson MUM was right and the ferals abound get over it people the 80’s were completely different to now and beyond.

      Reply

    • Mother of 5 says:

      03:24pm | 06/10/10

      yes, Melanie, and if you look it up; every statistic will inform you that today is far safer for children. Funny, I remember plenty of drunks and aggressive teenagers when I was growing up in the 70s and 80s.

    • SneakiPeet says:

      04:17pm | 06/10/10

      Absolutely agree.  We all know the dangers of the world, and can not ‘parent’ as our parents did us.  It is a shame, but it is reality.

    • fairsfair says:

      04:22pm | 06/10/10

      That right Melanie. People without kids have no idea. Because I don’t have kids I need to accept that I can’t even go jock shopping in peace because someone’s little angel didn’t get the toy they wanted and is now thowing a massive tanty in the Bonds section while mum hums the latest lady ga ga tune and contemplates whether or not to go boyleg or hipster. “oh when you have kids you soon learn to just turn off to it, ha ha ha ha”. Not on my watch.

      Get your hand off it! I am so sick and tired of parents pulling the “wait until you have kids” card “then you’ll find out”. My kids will find out. They will be treated the way that I was treated by my parents - whom I love and respect. It is not acceptable to be a little sh*t and it less acceptable for a PARENT to allow a CHILD to disrupt other ADULTS with their rediculous behaviour.

      If you don’t have the intellect and the instinct to make sound judgement (in terms of punishment, education and treatment) you should not’ve had kids. And don’t go and whinge about how hard it is after the fact.

      As with MsRAHMY I too have a brother who has a small daughter. At family get togethers our lives revolve around that kid. What we do and say, how much noise we make. All while she is allowed to do whatever she wants, trash what she wants and squeal until her little heart is contend. Oh how cute - not. If I shoosh her - I get yelled at.

      When did this change? In 1987, when I was her age - we were “seen and not heard”. Kids rule the world these days and I frankly, don’t think that is right. It is less right to think you are high and mighty just because you have kids. Misbehaved kids is down to lazy parentlng.

    • emma says:

      05:50pm | 06/10/10

      @ fairs fair, HA You think because you are an adult your life is worth more than my childs? My child should not be allowed to disrupt your life….. well guess what they can and they do. For the record as cool a kid as you were, you were just as annoying. Oh shock horror.

    • fairsfair says:

      11:04pm | 06/10/10

      yes Emma that is exactly what I said - my life is worth more than your child’s. WTF?

      It is not acceptable for a child to be allowed to behave like an animal in public while a parent ignores them because they are simply precocious and “disruptive”. No they are a little sh*t and this just reitterates that the problem is lazy parents.

      I did not behave like that in public as a kid (nor did my brother or sister) because we got the lecture whilst restrained in the back seat and though never cracked out, the wooden spoon was taken shopping with us each and every week. We were not allowed to behave like that at home, so why would mum tollerate it in public. I can’t work out why people aren’t embarassed by it.

      There is a difference between children being children, squealing with laughter, running and playing and speaking even loudly (which is innocent and sweet), but chanelling the devil because they didn’t get a donut is not on.

    • Greg says:

      11:17pm | 06/10/10

      Fairfair your right .. but for the wrong reasons. Its not the kids who are the problem its the parents and a society that debates whether a parent can smack a child. Mine all got smacked as I did ... it has done none of us harm and they all know what conduct will be tolerated and what will not. They will not stuff whatever up for me let alone other adults and should be glad they were bought along in the first place. Having said that there are places you just don’t take kids… adult only places.. theatre, restaurants of quality, not Maccas, I’m sure you get my drift. In a nutshell bring back discipline. Let them know that this line cannot be crossed that is how you train responsible adults. If we cant smack them then we reserve a prison cell for them.
      Note there is a massive difference between a smack of discipline and abuse. The touchy feelies don’t get this and that is why we have a problem with feral kids. No discipline but great police records.

    • Former bumpkin says:

      02:51pm | 06/10/10

      I was a kid in the 90’s and I was lucky that I was raised in a semi-rural area. Our property backed onto national forrest so I had the worlds best backyard. We would leave at 9 and come home at 6, spend the day on our bikes, building forts, climbing trees and freaking out about seeing the odd snake. Mum didnt care, she was just happy for us to be out of the house and making noise somewhere she couldnt hear. We also walked 3kms to and from school every day through the same national forrest (was scarry in winter when the fog set in and you couldnt see 1m in front of you!)

      But at the same time I was not allowed into town on my own and was not allowed to catch public transport until I was 14. Nor was I able to wear makeup, shave my legs or have a boyfriend until I was 13. The music I listened to was screened and the simpsons and any shows/movies worse than PG were banned (even then they still had to be screened)

      It was a weird balance. On one hand I was incredibly free and on the other hand I was controlled like nothing else. But I had an awesome childhood. I was a kid and that was it. I didnt even let a boy kiss me with an open mouth until I was 14! lol I wish I could say the same for my 11 year old cousin…

      I try to imagine my kids behaving like this in the burbs and it just doesnt compute. I think I might have to move to the country sooner rather than later, its the only way I think I will be able to give my kids the awesome childhood I had. In the burbs all I can see happening is my kids will grow up too fast and be too afraid of looking bad to get down and dirty in the mud… its a bit sad really.

      Reply

    • Linda says:

      03:27pm | 06/10/10

      That’s so true; we had freedom, but woe betide if we tried to go out with a boy before about 15; if we wanted to stay out past midnight, or as you say, wear high heels or makeup. And our parents would have been horrified at some of the violent stuff on computer games, the internet and TV. I don’t care diddly about my kids seeing normal human behaviour, such as nudity or sex, but I am deeply anti them seeing murder, massacres and gratuitious violence.

    • Vicki PS says:

      04:27pm | 06/10/10

      I would have said we had the same parents, Former Bumpkin, except I grew up in the 50s and early 60s.  My childhood was pretty much like yours sounds (although I could, and did, catch the bus to town on my own from the age of 5, because my grandparents lived there).

      My kids, growing up in the 80s, had a bit less freedom to roam but still could walk up the street to visit a friend, or go to the park across the road on their own.  But in the last decade, my two grandsons (who live in the same household with me) have nowhere near the same degree of latitude.

      The reason is simple and apparently overlooked —the physical and social environment has changed.  Simple things are utterly different, like there being umpteen times more cars on the roads; or bus services no longer being provided by local private companies whose drivers know your name, who your parents and grandparents are and where you live.  The park across the road is now frequented by funny-looking older men who like to meet other blokes in the toilets, as well as by drug dealers conducting business.  Local kids didn’t get bashed to death by gangs of ferals when I was a child (but, oddly, an eye lost to a double bunger or shaghai seemed to be an acceptable sort of casualty to parents back then, and every nearly little girl had an uncle or grandfather to avoid being alone with).

      Sensible parenting has always been about imparting sound values; teaching kids by example to be courteous and caring of others; making and enforcing sensible rules; and assessing the risks associated with each new level of freedom. 

      Freedom for children doesn’t reside simply in whether they can catch a bus by themselves—it has to be assessed in relation to the specific environment the child lives in.  Many of the risks are different these days, and many of the perennial ones (like abuse) are better recognised.  I’d love my grandsons to be able to go across the road to the park on their own, but for now I have to be more inventive finding ways for them to run amok!

    • Michellemac says:

      03:16pm | 06/10/10

      I was also a child of the 80s - school hols and weekends meant leaving after breakfast, having lunch at the closest house and then making sure I was home before dark. I encountered snakes and crossed busy roads, and rode my bike without a helmet and swam in pools unsupervised and my friends and I had a few encounters with ‘weirdos’. When they went to the shops, my parents used to leave us in the car with the windows down and the keys in the ignition so we could listen to the radio. They used to go to parties and drive us home drunk and smoking like chimneys and lie us across the back seat so we wouldn;t wake up when they put seatbelts on us - this was when they got a new car that even had seatbelts in the back seat!

      But things are different. First of all, urban infill has lead to smaller block sizes, there isn’t a big expanse of bushland nearby, there’s a lot more traffic on the road and everyone else keeps their kids in. There are fairly serious legal/social consequences to getting in a car and driving pissed and I don’t know anyone who would contemplate driving without their kids in approriate restraints (rightly so!), let alone drunk!

      Mine are still a little young but there are two factors at play here: the ‘norm’ amongst other parents - if I let my kids out to go to their friends placesunsupervised,  I’m going to look pretty bad/lax amongst my peers (even though we have had many a conversation about ‘the good old days’ when we were kids) and there are so many more cars on the road. I’m not really overly concerned about paedophiles etc - I can see the risks for that are low, although with less kids ‘free ranging’ then my kids will be the only kids on the street, therefore the only target for a potential paedophile -but I am about them being run over! They can’t just run wild in the bush because there is none!

      I’m also loving that there’s another story on here about women taking responsibility for their actions when drinking,  - so it’s all our responsibility, but this article is full of (for the most part) childless commenters talking about the ‘parents of today’ not letting kids out and about to ‘take some risks’. What’s it to be? Some risks or not? My two kids do a lot of (organised) sport and we have a group of family friends where we let the kids run a little wild when we go to the park/beach etc and we spend a lot of time kicking the footy around and bike riding with them ourselves, but it will never be like it was in the ‘good old days’. It’s sad, but it’s true.

      Reply

    • May says:

      04:16pm | 06/10/10

      This whole overprotective parenting thing has to stop. These parents are doing more damage than good! They need to ask themselves will their child grow up to be able to take care of him or her self with out running back to mummy or daddy?

      I was severely over protected right throughout my childhood. Not allowed to walk to school, not allowed to go to sleep overs, not allowed to boy/girl parties, not allowed to catch the train, not allowed to go to the movies…the list goes on. It got to the point that when i got my first ‘real’ job and had to catch the train to work I had a break down because I didn’t know how and was terrified that i would be robbed….... I had no idea how to interact with new people as all through school my parents were the ones dictating my friends and who I could hang out with.

      I found it extremely difficult to make friends at University and work and was always suspicious of everyone. I have had to teach myself to calm down and not see every person I met as a threat.

      My father is still trying to have that overprotective hold over me (I’m 22) to the point that he told me he wants nothing to do with me until I admit I am wrong for moving out of home, where he can supervise me.

      I’m not condoning letting your children become ferals that grow up committing misdemeanor offences but there is a point where you have to let go, for your sake as much as your chiuldrens!

      Reply

    • Cherry says:

      08:43am | 07/10/10

      May, you’re well shot of your dad. Whatever you do, don’t return home and if you need a little guidance navigating the world as an adult, don’t be ashamed to turn to a professional (i.e. counsellor).  Frankly I’m amazed you had the strength and common sense to recognise the wrongness of your parents’ behaviour and remove yourself from it - keep it up, you’ll do just fine grin

      I only hope other over-protected kids have your strength of character too. Your parents clearly had trouble finding a balance between protecting you and allowing you to grow up naturally, and even now they don’t know how to identify themselves outside of their parent roles. That’s not your responsibility so don’t let them place the burden on you. They’re the ones who need to adjust!

    • amused says:

      07:28pm | 06/10/10

      I for one would like hear from the individual parents who allowed freedom to their kids and those same kids have not been since since. I remember, quite clearly, what it was to be a child with lots of freedom. I was constantly approached by men who told me to my face that they wanted to F…K me. So I will watch over my children. I will not listen to these stupid women who think their Husbands or their writing career are more important than their child. The woman who allowed her child to go alone on the subway was JUST lucky and nothing more. I bet should would come out with some excuse if he had been abducted and raped. She and all women like her are dangerous idiots.

      Reply

    • Greg says:

      10:58pm | 06/10/10

      I am a father of 6 kids. My first wife was not a motherly woman and left me and the 4 young kids. I bear her no malice. She, simply, was the most important person in her life. I place my kids above all else as they need me… to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. (this is how my current wife sees things too and it makes our love stronger knowing we are giving to the future our kids. It makes us proud that we taught them our knowledge). If we get it right they may be Mozart or Einstein or such… If we get it wrong they may be axe murderers. This does not mean we shield them from the world… we immerse them in it so they can learn. We just sent the 16 yo girl to Rome so she could learn. I would not give her a phone as it was her experience and she had to deal with it without us. She had a great time and is a much wiser child for the experience. She much more understands the lessons her father taught her now.
      Free range parenting is irresponsible and not parenting at all.
      A fool learns by his own mistakes a wise man by the mistakes of others.
      Teach them all you can but understand that it is their life and you must let them live it….. but with knowledge… not to find it all out on their own.

      Oh and to those others… prove to me God doesn’t exist.  Maybe your concept of God is what needs to be questioned.  I see him in my life everyday and pity you of such closed minds that you deny yourself such peace and joy and love.

      Reply

    • Liz says:

      07:46am | 07/10/10

      Anyone who says they love their partner more than their children doesn’t understand love and the differences and is mor ethan likely codependent.If she’s not that keen on her kids why have four?
      Once we get a balance going between parents in childcare and home duties and dads all take a full role, women might stop beating themselves up for not being perfect.

      Reply

    • alp says:

      11:05am | 07/10/10

      People should just take good care of their children, love and protect and respect them. There are far too many weird people around these days to let the little people travel on their own, don’t count on all kids knowing how to cope in the big wide world without your helping and gentle hand. I know i certainly wouldn’t be letting my child go a train by themselves .As for loving you kids and husband, can’t you love them equally but in different veins?

    • John in Alice says:

      09:08am | 07/10/10

      Why the focus on child deaths to make comparisons of children’s health?  We have developed a number of life saving treatments and practices that have obviously saved a number of lives, as in drownings. I’ve a granddaughter who a couple years ago technically drowned in a pool. She was put into a coma and treated, and today is an outstanding student and athlete, where maybe 10 years ago might have ended up in a cemetary.
      Why has no one approached the non lethal injuries that ought to include physical and emotional trauma that can last a lifetime.  Who is measuring the emotional and physical scars inflicted upon our children?  A small indicator is the rise in suicides by our youth along with a rise in violent incidents within our schools. 
      Death and disease are certainly not the only bad things that happen to children.

      Reply

    • Rebecca says:

      11:38am | 07/10/10

      I understood the blog to be about the unreasonable expectations that mothers put on themselves to be perfect. After reading the 50 or so comments here judging and blaming parents, I understand why.

      Reply

    • shane says:

      01:51pm | 08/10/10

      “God of nothing”- you do realise that you believe ‘nothing created everything’ and ‘life came from non-life’. Thats simply impossible and very weird.

      Reply

    • Aaps says:

      05:13am | 07/08/12

      As the kids get older they also become more inpnedndeet with after school activities, scouting, sports, etc So it’s even more crucial to set aside time with them, whether it’s one on one or as a group/family. Not having them around as much is a relief for at-home moms because she gets her life back; for working dads it’s even less time with them. It’s a struggle every day, week and month to try and balance it out.

      Reply
 
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