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A Ruddy postcard from sunny Mexico

Joe Hildebrand

by Joe Hildebrand

21 Feb 05:40am

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Filed under: Alp, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Leadership Spill, Satire

37 comments

The nation has been rocked this week by the shock revelation that politicians swear. A leaked video reveals that former (and future) prime minister Kevin Rudd used several expletives while attempting to read out a recorded message.

Ah, Mexico. Beautiful one day, &%$%^&* the next

However in yet another extraordinary exclusive, sources close to Kevin Rudd have now released the full transcript of the video which shows it was very selectively edited. In fact all the seemingly angry and abusive things he said have a perfectly reasonable explanation…

Beachside, somewhere in Mexico

Hi Julia! Had a few minutes free so I just thought I’d Skype you to say hello _ or “hola!’’ as they say here in Mexico. Crazy guys. Lotta fun though.

Much been happening while I’ve been away? Things are pretty quiet over here, apart from the whole G20 thing. Wish I had Swanny to do his “Mr Europe” routine. He’s huge over here. It’s like… Oh hang on, I’m thinking of David Hasselhoff. 

Anyway, funny story. I’m on the flight over and it’s dinnertime and so I ask the hostess if I can get the vegetarian option. But she says: This is just impossible. So I said no problem, I’ll just have the chicken.

Actually not such a funny story now that I think about it. True though.

Then I get to the airport and I’m on one of those “travelator’’ things and I get to the very end, it’s just, it’s… @#$%! It’s just so incredible what they can do with technology these days. I mean who would have thought human beings could create a horizontal motorised walkway?

Oh, and while I think of it tell these d***heads at the embassy: Just give me simple sentences because I want to send a thank you note to the Chinese for all their hard work in Copenhagen. I mean I’ve said this before, I really appreciate all their efforts. And tell that bloody interpreter to maybe pick up a box of chocolates or something on the way to go with it.

Hang on one second, there’s a fly on the table. Let me just gently swat it with my fist…

AARGH!!! Sorry, just remembered it’s Therese’s birthday in July. Must remember to buy her that gardening book she wanted.

Anyway Jules, I just wanted to tell you what a great job I think you’re doing as prime minister and offer you my full support in the clearest possible terms but this @#$%ing language, it just complicates it so much, you know? Sometimes I think: How can anyone do this? It’s just such a difficult job but you’re doing great. I know a lot of people might say it’s just @#$%ing hopeless but I believe in you.

Oh, and I know we were meant to meet up this evening but maybe you should call your office and tell them to cancel this meeting at six o’clock will you? We all know what happened at the last one… Kidding! I am so totally over that.

Besides, you know how I get when I’m running the country. I don’t have the time or the @#$%ing patience to do it.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have a staring competition!

(Pause.)

(Longer pause.)

(Weird pause with eyes closed.)

Hang on Julia, there’s someone at the door. Hey guys, is this the @#$%ing Chinese interpreter? We used to roll together in the Jing man. How you been kicking? Still get out to Guangzhou much? Hang on, I’m just on a video call.

So yeah, what else? How about those Rabbitohs huh? Just @#$%ing hopeless. I know neither of us lives in Sydney or follows Rugby League but just thought I’d mention it.

Anyway Jules, I wanted to call and let you know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.

Warm regards,

Kevin

PS Sorry, instead of “well’‘, I meant “an agonising political death’‘. I @#$%ed up the last word.

Most commented

37 comments

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    • TimB says:

      04:57am | 21/02/12

      ‘instead of “well’‘, I meant “an agonising political death’‘. ‘

      Bwahahaha.

      Gold Joe. Welcome back.

      Reply

    • Mahhrat says:

      05:48am | 21/02/12

      Yeah, I watched those “outtakes” and while I can see why you wouldn’t want your inner sanctum rants screened far and wide, it seemed like the guy’s a human who doesn’t have time to waste on wording up.  I’m having a hard time finding much fault, except for the racial comment, but damn, those in glass houses and all that.  I can’t say I know anyone who hasn’t made such comments when they’ve had long, hard days in the office.

      Reply

    • wolf says:

      07:38am | 21/02/12

      Was it really a racial comment?  I read it as him having a go at the interpreter at the Australian embassy for using complicated sentences.

    • Mahhrat says:

      08:03am | 21/02/12

      @wolf - it’s a Thought Police bow if you draw it, for sure.

      Thing is, my boss and I rant all the time about things wrong at my workplace.  I see him doing the same thing.  I get that we should hold our leaders to loftier ideals, but 24/7?  If we’re going to expect that, we have to reward it commensurately as well, and despite how much they get paid, we aren’t.

    • Glen says:

      12:18pm | 21/02/12

      @RyaN: not that I’m supporting Rudd in any way, but the ratf@%er thing is political, not racial

    • RyaN says:

      12:48pm | 21/02/12

      @Glen: I dunno, I haven’t seen him calling his fellow members of cabinet who stabbed him in the back a bunch of “Rat f*&$#ers”.

      I wonder how I would go in a court facing racial vilification charges having uttered the same words in the workplace?

    • Glen says:

      06:48pm | 21/02/12

      @RyaN - it’s originally a Watergate reference - it’s talked about in this article.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_tricks

      Give Rudd’s political nerdism, I’d almost guarantee this was what he was referring too.

    • RyaN says:

      09:50am | 22/02/12

      @Glen: well considering what the term ratf*&$#er refers to in the Watergate scandal, as you mention, the time and place that Rudd used it seems to be well out of place don’t you think?

    • Vivian says:

      06:21am | 21/02/12

      Dammit. You got through a whole column without saying retarded. That’s no fair. When you use retarded you send the retards on the left into apoplectic fits of well…apoplexy. Please go back to using retard frequently and liberally (you see what I did there?). Those progressives are so funny when the go the full retard.

      Reply

    • SimpleSimon says:

      07:07am | 21/02/12

      “Actually not such a funny story now that I think about it. True though. “

      I actually lol’d at that point.

      Reply

    • Against the Man says:

      07:10am | 21/02/12

      Rudd….Gillard…..a pure embarrassment to their family, friends and all Australians since 2007.

      Reply

    • nossy says:

      09:05am | 21/02/12

      @Against the Man   who is winning “todays” election ATM?  ahhahaahahahahah Keep putting that Scotch on your wheeties fella as it will ease the pain!

    • Mark says:

      09:16am | 21/02/12

      @AtM

      Prime Minister of Australia.

    • Bemused says:

      09:27am | 21/02/12

      @Nossy, that would be Liberal.  Against the man is correct, however probably too kind.

    • Monty says:

      10:37am | 21/02/12

      Rudd and Gillard; a pure embarrassment that Tony Abbot and the Liberals still couldn’t even defeat. People talk about how incompetent the government is (which it is!), but they never mention how incompetent the opposition was in letting that election go.

    • Mark says:

      11:24am | 21/02/12

      @Monty

      Could be even worse. They could be related to AtM, who could never PM in million years.

    • Against the Man says:

      11:47am | 21/02/12

      @Mark

      Fake Prime Minister of Australia

    • Mark says:

      01:19pm | 21/02/12

      @AtM

      Fake commenter.

    • Against the Man says:

      02:08pm | 21/02/12

      @Mark

      Are you saying I’m hung? smile

    • Mark says:

      02:31pm | 21/02/12

      @AtM

      As if. I’m saying you’re an embarrassment who could never PM in million years.

    • Against the Man says:

      04:45pm | 21/02/12

      Calm down Mark and learn to lose gracefully smile

    • Mark says:

      06:59pm | 21/02/12

      @AtM

      That explains a lot given you lost the last 2 elections.

    • Against the Man says:

      07:45pm | 21/02/12

      Hehehehehe Mark, you lost the last election remember the hung Parliament? But thanks for giving me a reason to remind everyone that Gillard pimped us out to Bob Brown for power.

      I just love giving you ALPers enough rope…....

    • Mark says:

      10:23am | 22/02/12

      @AtM

      Still in denial ? That explains even more. You can’t handle losing, can you ?

    • David says:

      08:10am | 21/02/12

      Meanwhile in the real world the most substantial review of education in nearly 40 years has been released…..

      Can we discuss real issues that have a direct impact on peoples lives rather than crap all the time Joe?

      Reply

    • Gregg says:

      10:20am | 21/02/12

      @David,
      It’s more about the financing than anything and another $5B spend was probably not anything like Julia was interested in and so off goes the review for more of a talkingfest.

    • jim morris says:

      12:40pm | 21/02/12

      The state of the schools is part of the problem. A feminist mafia controls the schools and they are more interested in their interests than the children’s. All part of the feminist subversion of our institutions that the labor party has compromised into.

    • gobsmack says:

      08:24am | 21/02/12

      Rudd in Mexico?
      Gillard must be tempted to emulate Stalin.

      Reply

    • RyaN says:

      11:24am | 21/02/12

      @gobsmack: You know I had the very same thought yesterday, I was wondering to myself whether Rudd was going to have a safe trip home.
      It wouldn’t be a surprise considering where Gillards roots are.

    • Dieter Moeckel says:

      09:05am | 21/02/12

      A strange and puerile article. I’m sorry I read it.
      If you want perfection in politics get a teflon coated God. Remember that even Jesus took a whip to the money lenders in the temple and he was God on Earth.

      Reply

    • The righteous one says:

      09:35am | 21/02/12

      Joe, loved your Sydney airport comments, so when did you morph into Kyle Sandilands.  Patience is a virtue

      Reply

    • Gregg says:

      10:29am | 21/02/12

      Somehow Joe I do not think that politicians swearing is too great a revelation, especially when it comes to Kevin and we can only imagine that butter would not always be melting in Julia’s mouth either.

      Now as for the skyping, I somehow do not see Kevin doing that too often either but Mexico is apparently a great place for seeking stuff that vets use to euthanise animals and maybe Kevin has a ” lets make-up ” cocktail party planned for his return.

      I think I’ll email a few in cabinet to suggest they just beware of who is making up the cocktails.

      Reply

    • JMJ says:

      11:30am | 21/02/12

      The latest joke is that Bruce Hawker has confirmed he was with Kevin Rudd when the youtube video went viral as he helped him upload it! (Then they cried together about how beautiful it was all going to be: Rudd restored upon the throne and Hawker milking him for jobs….sob, so beautiful.)

      Reply

    • paul says:

      01:55pm | 21/02/12

      and these fools run the country. The GG should do the right thing and force an election so we can sort these idiots out

      Reply

    • Peter says:

      02:35pm | 21/02/12

      I’m sure you’ll do a much better job, Paul.

    • Wakethedead says:

      08:58am | 22/02/12

      How on earth will an early election help this nation when the current opposition leader is a pusher of misstruths with allegiences to corporate cronies who wants to (A) Abandon the MMRT (even though now it is already in place and, inspite of what we were told - by mining company lobbiests - the mining boom continues), (B), Abandon hte NBN (even though our out-datd & deteriating copper network will need to be replaced soon anyway at a similar cost to the NBN which has thousands of times more carrying capacity than copper or wireless ever could), and (C) Fulfill his “blood oath” to abandon pricing CO2 emittions (but then go on to actually pay CO2 emitting industries with tax payer money (hmm, I’ll bet which ever industry wins the Tony Abbott prize for innovation in reducing emittions will be a generous donater to the COALition).

 
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