A real man’s bloody awesome non-latte sipping barbecue
MANLINESS or the right to be the opposite has been THE hot topic up here in Central Queensland lately, so here’s something that might get things smoking.
A mate sent me an ad from Ebay for what could be the ideal gift for the true blue Aussie bloke who has everything. It’s billed as “A real man’s barbecue – not for metrosexuals or latte drinkers.
“Features: Manliness, awsomeness …. free sausage fat, free spiders, seasoned pollen plate…
“Just in time for Christmas, here is the ultimate in old school culinary accessories. Do you remember the days before soy latte double decaf drinkers redesigned the humble barbecue and took it from a thing of beauty to a multifunctional disaster?
“I mean, how many of you have one of these monstrosities; do you really need a side burner for a wok? Do you need to know what the temperature is on the plate?
“Hot or cold, cooked or raw, these simple terms seem forgotten in these modern days when you can cook a fish with thai spices and a side of dahl and some gazpacho soup (WTF ??? Who does this ???).
“Hark back to the days when the measure of a man was how he handled the tongs and a beer, not how shiny the hood of his barbecue was? Lets face it, a real man’s strength, honor and vision used to be proven regularly to all by the way he cooked his meat.
“A barbecue was more than just a glorified business meeting or a get together with the other girls, it was life itself to a man. You could have your mates around, stand around it and feel the burn on your skin of the spattering fat from the snags, the smoke from the scorched meat and finish it all off with an ice cold beer – each man remembering those days not so long ago when we would hunt, kill and eat whatever prey we felt like.
“This amazing vintage find is solid and sturdy, with plenty of seasoning to the plate - including a special blend of eucalypt blossom and assorted native pollens to give your creations a great Australian taste and demonstrate to all that you are no double decaf soy latte drinking metrosexual, you are a man, cooking meat on your barbecue.
“No, you can’t steam vegetables or make a soup, nor will it tell you the temperature or massage your feet, but you will regain your masculinity and strike a blow against metrosexualism.
“Sure, some of the bright shiny things aren’t as bright and shiny as they used to be so if you are trying to impress your boyfriends then this probably isn’t the thing for you.
“Starting at only $1, you can see that this sale is more of a community service helping us all get back to the days when all you needed to know about a barbecue was put the cold stuff on the hot stuff, drink a stubbie, pull off the hot stuff and bloody well eat it.
“Pick up preferably by ute, with dog”.
The seller attracted five pages of questions, including one from a bloke wanting his mate brought back to reality when he sold his Landcruiser, bought a Prius and started body waxing after an encounter with a double latte sipping, bum patting metrosexual. Would the awesome barbecue help?
Well, it’s too late the real man’s barbecue eventually sold for $51. But the good news is, I’ve got its twin downstairs and it’s even bloody ‘awsomer’. Merry Christmas.
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