Test Cricket, it’s over between us. I’m sorry to do the Gen Z thing and break the news to you online, but you’re not coming round to my place in Sydney till January and I just can’t wait till then.
At the risk of going all George Costanza, it’s not you, it’s me, OK? You’re still the same quirky, fascinating form of the game you’ve always been. But I’ve moved on.
I’m a different person with different priorities these days, TC. The kids, the job. The desire to indulge in a little physical activity myself occasionally instead of just watching you for five days. It all leaves so little time for you.
OK, I admit it. I’ve been flirting with that tart Twenty20. So call me shallow. Call me unevolved and superficial. What can I say? At least T20 cares about my needs. She knows my time is precious. You are a Sony Walkman and she’s an iPod. You’re the Indian Pacific. T20 is the red-eye.
There will of course be those who’ll say that you’re better off without a fickle lover like me. That you are the dignified Elin Nordegren to my straying Tiger Woods. That my leaving shows up my flaws, not yours.
Fair enough. But don’t think you’re perfect yourself, my former love. Golf tournaments go for four days and always produce a winner. Political campaigns run for three years, then someone actually wins the election. When you invite a lover round for five days, the least you could do is climax.
But you? You meander, you tease, you twist, you promise, you delight, then you turn around and give nothing. We were all set for a wham-bam ending on the final day in Adelaide last week, and what did you offer? Hour after hour of Mike Hussey blocking.
Look, maybe it was my fault for expecting the earth to move in Adelaide like it did against England thee years ago. My mistake, I know. It was Adelaide, after all. But if you’re expecting me in Perth this week, panting for more like a breathless puppy, forget it.
Fact is, Test cricket, I’m beginning to wonder what I ever saw in you in the first place. And don’t think I’m your only admirer who’s beginning to waver. Look at India! They’ve just conquered you and become your official number one suitor. Now, they’ve made it clear you’re not welcome at their place for the next two years.
Well, I’m outta here too.
As for you, well, I know you say you won’t change and you have every right not to. I admire you for your resilience and integrity, I really do.
The thing is, I wonder how long before you, too, decide to reinvent yourself. You’ll start with night Tests, then inevitably, you’ll slash a day and become a four day affair. Heck, before you know it, you’ll be T20 in whites and you’ll be coming on all Olivia Newton John telling me I’m the one who’d better shape up.
I look forward to that day, Test cricket. But until then, I’ll take my summer lovin’ elsewhere, thanks very much.
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