A Night at the Ballot: Election 2010, the musical

(To the tune of Cheek to Cheek)

Faceless men (sotto voce): 

Kevin… let’s roll Kevin,
You’ve seen the polls and he is looking weak
The voters don’t listen when he does speak
Let’s get rid of him even if somehow it risks a leak

Kevin… let’s roll Kevin,
No more mining tax havoc should he wreak
Much more of that and we’re up the proverbial creek
It’s time for you to grab the high office that you seek

Oh, we owe much to Kevin
He gave us the electoral peak
But the factions are frictional
So let’s get rid of the bossy geek

Scene two

Liberal head office. Tony Abbott throws down a newspaper with the headline “Rudd routed by Red”.

(To the tune of How do you solve a problem like Maria? from Sound of Music)

Tony Abbott:
How do you solve a problem like Julia?
How sad after we had Rudd on the run
How do you attack a sheila named Julia?
Taking on a woman just isn’t as much fun

Many a thing we’d like to pin on her
Tar her with the ALP state brand
How can anyone listen to that voice?
But the Kath and Kims think it’s choice
Her honeymoon is what Labor planned

How do you solve a problem like Julia?
It could leave us all totally unmanned.

Scene three

A mysterious figure in a Phantom of the Opera mask lurks onto stage.

(To the tune of Just you wait from My Fair Lady)

Mysterious figure:
Just you wait Julia Gillard, just you wait!
Will you be sorry? Yes you will, I’m sorry to relate
I don’t need programmic specifity
For your downfall to entirely foresee

Just you wait Julia Gillard, just you wait!

Just you wait Julia Gillard, till they find
That for the pensioners you weren’t so very kind
Must be some snitch, who reveals you’re a … bit rich
Just you wait Julia Gillard, just you wait!

The first figure in the Phantom of the Opera mask is suddenly shoved aside by a more hulking figure also wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask.

(To the tune of I feel pretty from West Side Story)

2nd mysterious figure:
I feel petty,
Oh, so petty,
I feel petty with self pity and spite!
And I’d like to hitty
Any party pollie that comes in my sight

It’s time for spurning,
All those who are turning
Politics into nothing that’s real
I feel petty
So don’t vote at all,
that’s my new zeal

Assembled journos:

See the bitter man on that TV there (What TV? Where?)
Who can that cranky man be?
Such a heavy handshake
Such a crazy stare
Such an angry glare
Such a marked man is he!

2nd mysterious figure:
It should be normal
To vote informal
So you don’t get some abnormality,
Who might run for PM
Such as pretty petty old me!

Scene four

The election has been called. A harassed voter runs in circles as pollies accost him from all sies in song.

(To the tune of America from West Side Story)

Tony Abbott:

Give us your vote Australia!
Look it’s another boat, Australia
With Labor you know what you will get
Always you will get a lot more debt

Gillard:
I believe it’s time to move forward

Abbott:
Move forward but what toward?

Gillard:
Not speedo bumps, oh my gawd!

Abbott:
For Rudd’s blood this is your reward?

All pollies:
So let’s have ETS in Australia,
If there’s focus group yes in Australia,
Climate is a worry for dry Australia,
But no hurry to try ETS Australia!

Abbott:
I know that I can cut the waste

Gillard:
I doubt that you are all that chaste

Abbott:
We will pass a balanced budget

Gillard:
No costings? I think you’ll fudge it!

Pollie chorus:
The marginal seats rule in Australia
Those votes you have to pool in Australia
It’s a suburban duel in Australia
Swingers are cool in Australia
 
Gillard:
That’s it, I’ll end all the spin

Abbott:
You’ll own up to the mess we are in?

Gillard:
By keeping it real, I’ll be taking it

Abbot:
So…umm…you were just faking it?

Scene five

The election is over. All the cast are on stage.

(To the tune of Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof)

Pollie chorus:
Coalition, coalition, coalition
Even the Coalition, needs a coalition, coalition!

Abbott and Libs:
Who must find a way, to make the rogues sway?
To finally talk some sense, into the independents
Who must find a way to meet all those demands
Or risk ending up back in the opposition stands?

Gillard and Labor:
It would be a quite blunder, to be a one term wonder
Who must then demean themselves to a Green?
Though we think he’s so mad, mad as a hatter
It’s now whatever you say, my dear Mr Katter

Scene six

A whole swag of voters come out on stage and push aside the pollies.

(To the tune Tomorrow from Annie:)

Voters:
The deal might be done
Tomorrow
Is it too much to hope
That tomorrow
The poll could be won!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
Please no election, tomorrow!
So much pain
To do it all
over again!

With apologies to Irving Berlin, Stephen Sondheim, Leonard Bernstein, Rogers and Hammerstein. Actually apologies to anyone who has ever written, performed or watched a musical.