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To my English teacher who said I couldn’t write

Brendan Brown

by Brendan Brown

05 Feb 05:35am

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Filed under: Internet, Media, Politics

63 comments

Since my year 12 English teacher said I was not much of a writer, I have always wanted to publish an article, mainly out of spite.

Sometimes you've just got to write what you love. Artwork: Tom Jellett

Undeterred by a lack of talent and an underwhelming byline I set about getting published.

My family has a rich literary tradition.

My great grandfather wrote a book, The World’s Greatest Troublemakers, which suggests that all the world’s ills can be attributed to the Jews. There’s only one known copy left. Apparently all books ever published in Australia must be kept at the National Library in Canberra, no matter the quality. 

However, a Google search found the book discussed on extremist websites, both neo-nazi and Islamic. He brought a diverse group of people together. A family pariah, yes, but a uniter.

So I had a lot to live up to. I just had to figure out what to write about.

Sport was a possibility but after reading Peter Roebuck’s cricket columns for the past 10 years I had developed an inferiority complex.

How can you compete with someone who has turned cricket commentary into exquisite art? Roebuck is to cricket writing what Sarah Palin is to moose hunting. He is everything.

A book review was considered but this would be a bit like visiting a brothel. You would pick up but it would feel cheap. Anyway, I swore off reading fiction books since Dan Brown’s latest literary crime.

The great thing about politics though is that your opinion is never wrong, just sometimes less well formed than Michelle Grattan’s.

Australians do not always get things right, and if they did, Gough Whitlam would still be Prime Minister and generosity to refugees a vote-winner.

And so I wrote an article calling for Julia Gillard to replace Wayne Swan as Treasurer.

It was a nervous day when the article was slated to be published in the National Times. Sure, the National Times is not the New York Times but it is still reputable.

After all, this may be the most noteworthy thing I had done. I peaked at sport when I was 12, I cannot sing, dance or generally entertain, and I am in no danger of winning a prize for anything anytime soon.

So I sat glued to the computer throughout the day, constantly refreshing the article to see if a comment was posted. This had the added bonus of bumping me up the list of most read articles for the day.

But I was still languishing as the sixth most read article out of eight. Few people were posting comments and half those comments were solicited from friends and family. I even resorted to posting comments under an alias.

A lack of writing talent may have explained the article’s unpopularity. But I suspect there was also something more.

Articles from other contributors (as opposed to regular columnists) posted on that day were about bike riding and why old people do not text message.

And each one was viewed far more than mine with many more comments. The most popular article for that week was about prams.

I learnt a lesson. People want to read cleverly written pieces on everyday issues that they can relate to. They do not want political articles from an unknown writer. You have to give people what they want.

And so I tried writing a second article on why a bad beard is better than no beard at all. It was terrible. So I wrote on taxation reform instead.

Sometimes you have just have to write what you can do well and worry later about how few people will read it.

Most commented

353"Gifting", "journey" and other words we hate
309Thomson didn't answer the question everyone is asking
246A big day for Thomson, who thus far is guilty of nothing...
242They must pay for one's bitter disappointments
230Craig Thomson speaks. Meanwhile, in Australia...
230South Australia. It's the middle bottom bit.
224Punch on: Open thread 17/05/2012
224The most laughable, err, spoof since Einfeld

63 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Gary Cox says:

      06:50am | 05/02/10

      For starters you’ve got to get the chip off your shoulder regarding your English teacher. Just get on with your life.

      Reply

    • Gavin says:

      11:31am | 05/02/10

      Did your English teacher teach you about “satire”?

    • Lily Mulholland says:

      06:56am | 05/02/10

      And, perhaps, if all you read was Dan Brown, your English teacher had a point. Read some real fiction and see where it takes you.

      Reply

    • Knight says:

      04:12pm | 05/02/10

      That’s a very good point of advice, although I thought “real fiction” was an oxymoron?

    • Dave Sag says:

      07:15am | 05/02/10

      I’d say keep your day job but I can’t imagine for a minute what that might be.

      Given up on fiction because of Dan Brown?  That’s like giving up on burgers because of McDonalds.  Go out and read some authors who understand the power, and the beauty of words.  Read some James Ellroy (especially read American Tabloid, The Cold 6 Thousand and Blood’s a Rover, they are, taken together, possibly the most brilliant bits of writing ever put to paper).  If you want inspiration from political writing read PJ O’Rourk, or Hunter S Thompson, or, or some local colour, the often hilarious Annabel Crabb.

      But frankly you can’t expect to be able to write well, or about anything interesting, unless you can read critically, and unless you actually go out there and do stuff.

      Good on you though for giving it a go, and good on the punch for taking you under their wing.  A bit of practice,  bit of worldly experience, and few hundred good books later and you might write something someone wants to read.

      Reply

    • Jane says:

      07:52am | 05/02/10

      So true. Your extensive reading has resulted in some accomplished reader’s comments.

    • Jarred says:

      08:54am | 05/02/10

      Haven’t heard of any of those authors you mention. I think you’ve clearly buried yourself too much into books. Go and explore the real world. Perhaps then you’ll appreciate an article full of witty prose and not spill forth a comment full of such pretentious drivel.

    • bellezyx says:

      09:39am | 05/02/10

      Um Jarred, please tell me you are joking.  You can’t possibly have not heard of (at least) Hunter S Thompson.

    • Deniz says:

      01:22pm | 05/02/10

      Pretty long reply for something you didn’t enjoy.

      I, on the other hand thoroughly enjoyed this piece by Mr Brown and I don’t read much. That shows quite a bit of talent. To simplify language for the masses. 

      I would hate tobe self righteous or sanctimonious for that matter as well. Sounds like this article has struck a chord with you Dave. Who are you trying to convince, maybe your English teacher perhaps.

    • anon1 says:

      07:23am | 05/02/10

      Too much use of “I”.  The best columnists rarely use the personal pronoun.  Even “me” is preferable to “I”.

      For example:  “So I had a lot to live up to.”
      Change to:  “So there was a lot to live up to.”

      “I learnt a lesson.”
      Change to:  “It was an important lesson.” (or “a vital lesson” or “a tough lesson”).

      Reply

    • Sky says:

      08:49am | 05/02/10

      I think this is your english teacher!

    • Joseph says:

      09:13am | 05/02/10

      I think you’re being unnecessarily sanctimonious.

      OR

      This comment is sanctimonious.

      Which do you prefer?

    • John Bare says:

      07:24am | 05/02/10

      I have also always wanted to write an article but instead I post comments on other writers articles. If Mr Brown can write one then so can I.

      Reply

    • Sam says:

      07:36am | 05/02/10

      Good on you Brendan. Spite is fair-enough.

      My stupid year 9 English teacher told me that being a lawyer would be very boring and it would involve a lot of reading. I took her advice, like an idiot. Although I don’t regret not becoming a lawyer, I do regret not trying because of her advice. These days I spend so much time arguing with everyone, mainly out of spite. I enjoy arguing, I love it. I can’t stand the idea of some teachers giving advice. My year 12 careers counsellor told me I was like a 6 cylinder car running on only 2 cylinders, but 2 years earlier when I was running like a twin turbo V12, others told me to “take it easy” and “don’t grow up too fast”. People are only happy when they see you either failing or at least not better than them, so I argue with everyone and consider myself at war with the rest of the world. Spite works for me, it’s a great motivator, but I do feel a heart attack is around the corner… at ... least ..... I’ll ..... have ..... the .... last ..... wo….  grin

      Reply

    • JJJ says:

      07:40am | 05/02/10

      Hi Sam. It’s never too late to pursue your dreams. Do it now. Don’t blame someone else’s words for your lack of action, mate. It’s your life.

    • Sam says:

      07:47am | 05/02/10

      @JJJ, I used to dream of being the next messiah, do you think it’s too late to persue that one? Forget about dreams man, this is the real world. The only dream worth having is being rich and happy and successful. Everything else is just a means to an end and not an end in itself.

    • JJJ says:

      07:55am | 05/02/10

      Well Sam, I am sorry for you. You only have one life and one chance to do the things you want, so it’s your loss if you are not going to do it. If you can fill your life with other things to make you happy, then good for you. Just don’t blame others for your actions or lack thereof. At least the author is trying to prove his teacher wrong (sometimes teachers say what we percieve as being negative things to encourage students…)

    • haveacrack says:

      08:13am | 05/02/10

      @JJJ, My sentiments exactly. No point wasting your time with an uninspiring existence. It’s really up to you to chase down your dreams.

      Kudos, Mr. Brown

    • Sam says:

      08:18am | 05/02/10

      @JJJ, thanks mate, but I’ve found a nice alternative to law, and I enjoy what I do now. I guess my point was that there are many ways to achieve happiness, success, and I’m still working on the wealth part. I’m over the blame, I’ve accepted the world for what it is.

      The author has nothing to prove. I’m sure he writes fine, but his choice of content is the real issue, not how many times he uses the personal pronoun! Writing is about communication, getting the message from A to B. The more you separate yourself from the message, the more it loses its authenticity and becomes a second-hand piece of commentary. So I say, keep using the personal pronoun rather than presume to speak for others by replacing it. It is your message and your story afterall.

      We shouldn’t assume his teacher knew what they were talking about in the first place.

    • preciouspress says:

      08:38am | 05/02/10

      English teachers can have that effect. More than 50 years ago, Miss Peers told her class that the word ‘unique’ cannot be modified. Every day, I squirm and Miss P must turn in her grave, as journalists (who should know better) misuse and devalue this word.

      Reply

    • fluffy says:

      12:53pm | 05/02/10

      that was a unique comment preciouspress smile - just like everyone elses!

    • H of SA says:

      01:18pm | 05/02/10

      That’s a very unique comment preciouspress - cuz of course unique is something you can describe in degrees not an either or proposition (where is that sacrasm mark!)

      BTW does anyone remember when ordinary didn’t mean bad, but actually meant ordinary - thank you for ruining the language AFL commentators!

    • H of SA says:

      11:21am | 05/02/10

      JJJ, is your real name Lleyton Hewitt?

    • Fahmid Ahmed says:

      07:39am | 05/02/10

      Nice work Brendan - definately you’re best piece to date!

      PS> Im sorry for ending your sporting career!

      Reply

    • Sam says:

      07:42am | 05/02/10

      And that’s another point, most writers are crap, especially JKRowling and JaneAustin, whereas Dan Brown had me captivated, I couldn’t stop reading. And Dostoyevsky is head and shoulders above Shakespear.

      Don’t get me started on Stephen King rubbish. That’s just pure crap.

      Reply

    • Nola James says:

      08:50am | 05/02/10

      It’s Shakespeare.

    • Nick says:

      09:19am | 05/02/10

      Gee, Nola, Shakesper,Shakespere, Shaksper, himself didn’t know that!

    • H of SA says:

      11:28am | 05/02/10

      Fyodor was brilliant though, and I can’t help but feel we do lose something in the translation (someone told me Russian to English just doesn’t work properly) so he could be even better than we non-Russian speakers know

    • Mark says:

      08:20am | 05/02/10

      It’s with great embarrassment that I too enjoy Dan Brown books.
      Brendan has a point, sometimes all you want is a light read.
      Bubble-gum editorials, if you will.

      Reply

    • Sam says:

      08:38am | 05/02/10

      @haveacrack,

      (1) we have no choice over whether we come into existence or not.
      (2) “chasing dreams” is the definition of time wasting.
      (3) reliance on inspiration is a mark of someone who feels no responsibility. When people depend on you, you’ve got to bring home the bacon regardless of your mood. I’m inspired by my ability to live upto my responsibilities despite the lack of inspiration to go to work. I like my work, but I’m not inspired to work for someone else. And before you suggest I go into business for myself, think of the risk and the people who depend on me everyday. My dreams and inspiration come second to my survival and responsibilities.

      I love the weather in Melbourne today. It’s so refreshing. That’s what I find inspirational.

      Reply

    • Liz says:

      08:39am | 05/02/10

      Maybe you should stop the navel gazing and get a life.Teachers can’t predict everything either so stick with it you’re doing alright!

      Reply

    • Penny says:

      09:47am | 05/02/10

      I agree, just write! Write what you know. Who cares about your family’s literature history, I don’t, never heard of you. If you continue to let it influence your writing then you’ll never truly come into your own.

    • H of SA says:

      09:09am | 05/02/10

      As a lover of the beard I think its a tragedy that your article of the value of the bad beard never saw the light of publication.

      Reply

    • Crowsister says:

      11:24am | 10/11/10

      Amen, H of SA.  I await the publication of that article with hirsute eagerness. 

      Brendan Brown, I love your writing.  Bugger the day job - keep on writing.  You rock!

      (Mum xxx)

    • Sam says:

      09:13am | 05/02/10

      well actually it’s Sir Francis Bacon but why should I care if the guy can’t spell “spear”. Bonus points to Dan Brown for not sticking a superfluous ‘e’ on the end of his surname.

      Reply

    • Bellezyx says:

      09:42am | 05/02/10

      Being a lawyer is boring.  Not because of the reading though.

      Reply

    • Jarred says:

      09:58am | 05/02/10

      No, Bellyzex, afraid to say I haven’t. I’m a victim of the Australian education system, which turns pupils into working class citizens. Which I’m sure is better than a pompous grandiloquent.

      Reply

    • Jarred says:

      10:10am | 05/02/10

      Haven’t heard of any of those authors mentioned above, that is, including Hunter S Thompson. And Dave Sag is the grandiloquent, not you.

    • Schmavo says:

      10:01am | 05/02/10

      And my music teacher predicted I would be famous…......there’s still time.

      Reply

    • Jamers Hunter says:

      10:51am | 05/02/10

      Sam you can not be the next messiah, That’s my gig but I might still have some positions for deciples ifn yo interested.??

    • Mickey-Av says:

      11:03am | 05/02/10

      My Legal Studies teacher said instead of going to uni, I’d drive around the country in a panel van with a mattress inside and foot prints on the roof… glad to say I managed both

    • Sam says:

      11:08am | 05/02/10

      @JamesHunter, nah mate, you won’t make a disciple out of me. Anyway, I’ve been shortlisted for the vacant anti-christ position, so we might be working together one day soon. LOL.

    • leila says:

      10:14am | 05/02/10

      well aren’t you just the cutest, most precious thing.

      Reply

    • Bob says:

      10:36am | 05/02/10

      If you just want lots of hits write an article about climate change. Anything will do, no matter how poorly written or researched, as today’s piece about Monckton attests.

      As for English teachers, both my kids had a teacher in high school who declared on the first day of class that they weren’t there to have fun and then spent the rest of the year making sure of it. Write for the joy of it and you will be read.

      Reply

    • BT says:

      10:49am | 05/02/10

      Well you achieved your dream, and yet are not satisfied. It sounds as though what you are actually looking for is recognition. Someone once gave me some very good advice, “water finds its own course”. Maybe you will be one of the great writers of our time, maybe not. Whatever your life’s journey is to be, will be.

      Reply

    • H of SA says:

      11:22am | 05/02/10

      Whoops, misread I mean SAM, are your really our Lleyton?

      (apologies JJJ)

      Reply

    • Sam says:

      02:31pm | 05/02/10

      no, why? don’t tell me you think I have issues (I already know that, but doesn’t everybody?).

    • H of SA says:

      03:23pm | 05/02/10

      Haha, just a light hearted response to your comment that you are motivated by arguing with everyone and being against the world.

      I have the same condition, if you tried to motivate me by telling me how good I was at something I would get a nice warm fuzzy and maybe/maybe not do it. But if you told me I can’t do something I would think: “Right I’m gonna show them” and then do my best work

    • Nicole says:

      11:45am | 05/02/10

      Not a bad piece Brendan. However, I don’t know if it’s you or the editing staff, but this piece has way too many paragraphs. The constant stop-start made it hard for me to concentrate what you were writing about. You don’t need a new paragraph for every new sentence.

      Reply

    • George says:

      12:17pm | 05/02/10

      Brendan -  try radio

      Reply

    • Tom says:

      01:25pm | 05/02/10

      We need more references to Sarah Palin and moose hunting. Well done. The whole article made me laugh actually.

      Reply

    • Sticks says:

      02:00pm | 05/02/10

      I think the sarcastic, self-deprecating, humor of this piece has been lost to most commentators

      Reply

    • JJJ says:

      04:46pm | 05/02/10

      What?! So he was TRYING to write badly? Hmm… deep.

    • Ami says:

      02:49pm | 05/02/10

      You show that English teacher!

      I am pretty sure that my English teacher, and every other teacher that I had throughout High School,  thought that I would end up as a crack whore…

      Now I am earning at least twice what they are and I am only 2 years into my career! 

      P.S. Don’t listen to all the criticism about how you wirte and which words should go where. Your everyday Joe doesn’t care about this anymore.

      Reply

    • Heather says:

      01:48pm | 06/02/10

      “P.S. Don’t listen to all the criticism about how you wirte and which words should go where. Your everyday Joe doesn’t care about this anymore”

      ... which probably explains the popularity of the oh-so-badly-written “Twilight” books…

    • ts says:

      03:08pm | 05/02/10

      i enjoyed that and i agreemost people seem to be missing the mark. 

      and any chance of reading the bad beard piece anywhere, my patchy growth is currently the butt of all my friends jokes…

      Reply

    • H of SA says:

      03:25pm | 05/02/10

      TS, youtube is your friend, check out some of the beard instructional videos, be mocked no more.

      Reply

    • Jack from Perth says:

      04:56pm | 05/02/10

      It is true though, I’ll read Bronny Bishop’s mindless dribble before any unknown author any day.

      Reply

    • Clare says:

      08:10pm | 05/02/10

      Well,  I was an English teacher for many years and I think this is a great piece.  Well done Brendan. Your English teacher would be proud!

      Reply

    • James says:

      08:15pm | 05/02/10

      what a funny article. a budding writing talent. look forward to an article on the israel/palestine conflict…to see if legacy of your great grandfather lives on!

      Reply

    • Steve says:

      02:26pm | 06/02/10

      It seems that alot of people are quick to judge this article yet if given the chance to write one they wouldn’t know where to start or even to think of a topic and be passionate about it. Good on you Mr Brown for giving it a go and a good one at that.

      Reply

    • Tracey says:

      09:23am | 08/02/10

      Well done Brendan, i like the way you write. Funny, witty, you write honestly-thats what people want to read. And hey, bring on the article about prams -with a heading like ‘Make way for the pram’ with a sarcastic approach. And maybe give it a go with your next article -why beards are better than goatees…..

      Reply

    • DH says:

      08:55am | 10/11/10

      I’m a bit late to the table on this one, but it’s a great read. I think the lame beard one would have found an audience though. There are more of us out here than you think.

      Reply
 
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