A letter for the lonely this Valentine’s Day

Elphaba says:

07:48am | 14/02/12

Better to be lonely by yourself, than lonely in a couple.

I can’t think of anything more depressing. :(

Emma says:

08:04am | 14/02/12

Elphaba

That was my decision as well when I did not get married. It would not be fair on both involved. But in weak moments I think I could have had a save and comfortable nest to come home to.

Elphaba says:

08:22am | 14/02/12

@Emma - until you go nuts one day from the mediocrity and end up divorced anyway.

You dodged a bullet - thank your lucky stars every day - even in the weak moments.

Anne71 says:

08:30am | 14/02/12

Good for you, Emma. I’m also single, but certainly not lonely, and I don’t regret it at all. Like you, I had the chance to be married to a wonderful man. Trouble was, I didn’t love him - well, I did, but only as a friend, not romantically, and I knew that if I accepted him, I would be “settling”, and he deserved much better than that.

Single doesn’t always mean lonely - and as Emma said, being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be.

Charon says:

09:37am | 14/02/12

People might wonder why they are so alone and unloved, and there are as many reasons as there are lonely people.
Hate is the opposite of love and some people are so full of hate, that others can see it a mile off. The hate in their heart blocks out any chance of a meaningful relationship and they are doomed to lead a life of disappointment and despair over their condition.

You can generally tell this type of person because the lid blows off the bottle from time to time and they expose themselves for the hateful people they are.

You may for example overhear them say “May she die a lonely, death and move onto a hate-filled eternity” when talking about someone. 

Some people love to hate and are doomed to be lonely hate filled shells. Chocolate wouldn’t even melt in their mouth.

Melrusk says:

09:47am | 14/02/12

A wise & compassionate choice Emma.
If your heart is not in it before you get married it won’t just miraculously come later, no matter how hard both might try.

fairsfair says:

10:05am | 14/02/12

Seriously Badger? That is bad, even for you…though gleefully ironic at the same time.

Elphaba says:

11:01am | 14/02/12

Hate is not the opposite of love.  Indifference is.

Elphaba says:

11:06am | 14/02/12

Ah, fairs, thanks. Just ignore it.  I am.  Life’s too good to worry about how sad he is.

Elphaba says:

11:08am | 14/02/12

Ah, fairs, thanks. Just ignore it.  I am.  Life’s too good to worry about how sad he is.

Emma says:

11:19am | 14/02/12

Elphaba

Talking about indifference. That is the feeling I have (or not have) most of the time now when I am being approached. Does anyone else have that problem? Its like after so many years of mediocre experiences I dont care much anymore. Dont remember the last time I have been really excited about meeting someone. Its a bit scary.

Mara says:

11:19am | 14/02/12

I am in love. My partner says he loves me. Still no guarantee that Valentine’s Day is a day that we share that loving feeling…. I woke up this morning to a grumpy partner who snapped at me for coughing a couple of times, which was too loud for his liking… This snappy remark progressed into an arguement, so that’s Valentine’s Day down the drain! I would love to be love-less. Life would be so much easier when you only have to deal with yourself!

Emma says:

11:42am | 14/02/12

Mara

“Life would be so much easier when you only have to deal with yourself!”

One of those sentences ....

Like women with children telling women that cant have children about how happy they should be as having kids is such a nightmare they wouldnt believe.

Or slim women telling the fat ones how they wish they had more curves to fill out the dress, knowing exactly the fat ones envy them.

Or successful people telling the not-so-successful how they wish they had a “simpler and down to earth life”.

You want me to go on?

Elphaba says:

11:49am | 14/02/12

@Emma, yeah, I’ve experienced that, and it’s turned out that I’m just not interested in the person. Other times, I have gotten excited about someone asking me out.  It’s a bit of both.

I tend to think that when it’s right, neither person will be easily put off and you’ll both make the effort to make something work, but it won’t feel like you’re making an effort - you’ll just want it to happen.

Heather says:

01:37pm | 14/02/12

Emma I was married for 30 years, and since I’ve been on my own I realise how lonely I was in that marriage. It’s soul destroying when love is one sided. I have never been happier than I am now. I live at the other end of the country, a couple of my children are near, and I have access to four delightful grandsons who love me unconditionally. Even on my own I am never lonely. Just make sure you’re alone, never lonely, it’s very peaceful, you don’t have to suit anyone else.

Anne71 says:

08:24am | 14/02/12

Don’t like, don’t read. Simple as that.

Welcome back, Jack!

Scarlett Street Rocker says:

08:44am | 14/02/12

@Anne71,didn’t know I didn’t like till I read, that simple!

Tony of Poorakistan says:

11:39am | 14/02/12

I had a star named after me for Valentine’s Day - I thought that was cute.

Anne71 says:

12:04pm | 14/02/12

Well, I can usually tell after one or two paragraphs if something’s going to interest me or not. Still, to each their own

Loddlaen says:

12:58pm | 14/02/12

@Tony - Sorry to sound like a bah humbug, but you didn’t get a star named after you. You got your name printed in a book that claimed that star was named after you. It is not official and simply a waste of money. I looked into doing this a few years ago and found out that it was a fraudulent claim by the companies involved.

TChong says:

07:46am | 14/02/12

just remember young lady, be home by midnight, or you’ll turn into a pumkin.
But then, you might meet a Peter, or Peta , who ( if poetry is any guide)  just might be a pumkin eater. !
Have fun , stay safe.

Elphaba says:

08:01am | 14/02/12

Bahaha!!  It only goes until 9:30pm, so it is completely pumpkin-proof.

What happens after that is anyone’s guess…

RED says:

10:02am | 14/02/12

“I’m off to a party thingy tonight in a rather unique setting”
Good luck at the orgy

Lou says:

12:57pm | 14/02/12

Jurassic Lounge? (me too!)

Elphaba says:

01:30pm | 14/02/12

@Lou, yep.  Should be great fun!

Sheldonopolis says:

05:37pm | 14/02/12

You’re right, Spikey. Sometime after the death of my husband I started seeing a guy. I thought he was very nice but after a while his irritation and annoyance with my young children got me on the defensive with him.  I thought I needed a man to define myself, especially after 15 years with my husband.

Turns out I didn’t need a man, I needed myself to value what I can offer a man.  When I realised what I needed, I let him go. He didn’t want my love - he wanted me to be a box on his list of things to do that had been ticked.

That was 4 weeks ago and he’s out dating again.  Me? I’m focussed on giving my children the best of me.

Sheldonopolis says:

05:39pm | 14/02/12

You’re right, Spikey. Sometime after the death of my husband I started seeing a guy. I thought he was very nice but after a while his irritation and annoyance with my young children got me on the defensive with him.  I thought I needed a man to define myself, especially after 15 years with my husband.

Turns out I didn’t need a man, I needed myself to value what I can offer a man.  When I realised what I needed, I let him go. He didn’t want my love - he wanted me to be a box on his list of things to do that had been ticked.

That was 4 weeks ago and he’s out dating again.  Me? I’m focussed on giving my children the best of me.

Emma says:

08:19am | 14/02/12

It just doesnt sound as good when you say to a girl “Lets breed”.

marley says:

08:27am | 14/02/12

What you’re describing is lust.  Love is a bit more complex than that - equal parts of lust, friendship, trust, and companionship all leavened with fun and laughter, and occasionally with tears.  Chemistry gets you as far as the front door;  what’s beyond depends on other things entirely.

HappyCynic says:

08:30am | 14/02/12

And so says someone who wouldn’t know true love if (to quote the article) “it buggered them senseless”.

While I generally agree with your physical interpretation of love from a purely scientific perspective, the truth is that love feels like it is a lot more than a bunch of chemicals running wild in the brain.

Only those with no imagination, those who fail to dream of anything better or whose dreams have died in a rut of mediocrity look at the purely physical reactions of the universe and say “This is all there is to life and no more”

How dull that life must be.

Blind Freddy says:

08:49am | 14/02/12

Love is a self-imposed hypnosis- so that we can do the ridiculous things needed to breed. When the fingers “snap” and the spell is broken - there is no going back.

Life is a journey of the individual and we meet people along the way. In the end, you are always alone - some just haven’t realised, yet.

Tim says:

08:51am | 14/02/12

Tubesteak,
correct.

Happy Cynic,
Your kind of thinking is what gets people divorced at 40 after having their 2.4 children and a mortgage in the burbs.
They always think there’s something more and that their entitled to some fairytale life.
Sorry but reality ain’t like that.

They’re the ones who end up old and alone with their 5 cats.

PsychoHyena says:

11:27am | 14/02/12

@marley I agree and couldn’t have said it better myself. If love was just for breeding then everyone would be in love.

Tubesteak, I seriously hope you reconsider your definition of love, otherwise I would be worried about your interactions with your family.

Fred says:

02:03pm | 14/02/12

It’s also just plain logic. Life is much better, (or it’s meant to be, I wouldn’t know) when you have a partner you think is the ducks nuts and you have someone to have sex with and be friends with, then it’d be much easier to do well in your career as you wouldn’t have to waste time chasing puss and you’d be less likely to fall into bad habits and depression.

“They should trust themselves tonight, on this night of love, and know that the love they have in them will one day be discovered by some of the luckiest people in this world. “

It’s a bit disneyland isn’t it? I hope Jack posts here often but I don’t think this is one of his best.

ByStealth says:

03:05pm | 14/02/12

There’s plenty of posters here who are Eat Pray Love candidates.

Once the oxytocin bond wears off after however many years you are left with a friendship and partnership based on trust and respect. People call this ‘love’. Its not that its not enjoyable, but unconditional eternal romantic love as described in hallmark cards, mills and boon books and other emotional pornography does not exist.

subotic says:

08:22am | 14/02/12

Andy Mack never came 1st….

Mahhrat says:

09:07am | 14/02/12

Amen to that.  Where’ve you been, Jack?  I used to love reading your posts on news.com.au/blogs page, but you vanished without word there months and months ago!

Tim says:

09:26am | 14/02/12

Mahhrat,
I think he’s writing another book.
Probably takes away the time to write blogs for us plebs.

Arasaka says:

01:41pm | 14/02/12

I’ve missed reading your commentary for the last year, Jack. Good to see you back again.

M says:

09:09am | 14/02/12

Haha, so true.

Star says:

11:00am | 14/02/12

Men gain weight.  Women don’t like that either.  And men aren’t always devoted.  Fact.

Don’t make this a bitter, nasty gender issue because you’ve been burned.  There are some great comments from other people on here, you should read them.

Sad Sad Reality says:

01:30pm | 14/02/12

Star, men do gain weight. Women don’t often leave them for it. And yeah men aren’t always devoted (kind’a my point). That’s how you can tell a guy is swimming in “options”.

Don’t make this a saccharine, irrational love defence because you live in wonderland. There is a salient comment from me on here, you should imbibe it.

Emma says:

08:45am | 14/02/12

Basically yes, but your thoughts are not constantly on your marital status. So you can have great and lonely times as single. I will be 30 this year and for the first time asked myself the question “if I dont meet the person I want to start a family with, will consider doing it on my own?”

amy says:

12:23pm | 14/02/12

thats nice, just like people in a relationship are often really insecure and cant bear being on their own for more than two second, they need somone else to validate their existance (see I can do that too)

dont know about when Im older but right now Im prefectly fine

getting some cats can make he pain go away

Anne71 says:

01:00pm | 14/02/12

@SteveKAG “Most people who say they are not lonely and are single are just plain liars.” Speak for yourself, if you don’t mind. The fact that you feel lonely doesn’t mean that all single people do.

Jack says:

10:05am | 14/02/12

Do we just call everything non-standard ‘hipster’ now?

Emma says:

10:15am | 14/02/12

Comparable to singles saying how happy they are and overweight people how much they love their curves?

Cut them some slack. I hope you dont shut them up with something hurtful. They know well enough.

Lauren says:

11:13am | 14/02/12

@ Jack - yes we do, so get with the times.

@ Emma - No comments. I wouldn’t mind as much if the people who I know that do it are the ones who protest about everything mainstream in an attempt to be seen as edgy and non-conformist.

Caroline says:

01:18pm | 14/02/12

What I find amusing is Valentine is the Saint of affianced couples, AND bee keepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings, happy marriages, love, lovers, plague, travellers, young people.

It ain’t all about wine and roses

MikeS says:

01:35pm | 14/02/12

There are 14 different St Valentines, so all those things could be attributed to Valentines from different eras.

Chris L says:

11:27am | 14/02/12

Good for you Fairs! If you aren’t happy with yourself you can’t expect someone else to make you happy.

Tim says:

11:28am | 14/02/12

Millionaire Hotseat?
What about Deal or No Deal?

fairsfair says:

11:59am | 14/02/12

True Chris L - yet so many people ignore that reality and just marry the guy that they have hung around with for a few years, because that is what you do. Friends of mine recently married after 8 years together. They didnt’ make their first wedding anniversary. She said she thought that you were just supposed to get married, so they did. And it wasn’t the right thing to do.

Please Tim, Deal or no Deal is so 2008

Brad says:

03:20pm | 14/02/12

Exactly. It should be a harassment free day. That is you can say whatever you want to whoever you want (in your office or elsewhere) and not get charged or slapped for it.

Rebecca says:

11:44pm | 14/02/12

What is this ‘settling’ of which you speak?

Is it seriously so terrible to ‘settle’ for someone who, on your imaginary (or not so imaginary) checklist, meets the large majority of your criteria?

How far do you go with this?  Then, perhaps you could ask - are they (or ‘would they’ be) settling for you?

This idea of ‘settling’ is pure BS.  You don’t want to be part of a couple, don’t be - but don’t think that being alone will entirely satisfy you either. 

Nothing in this life is going to be exactly as you want, its never going to be absolutely perfect - and if you’re waiting for perfection, you only have to wait another… billion?  trillion? years - how long was it that the universe will reach entropy?

I don’t agree with the ‘getting married because we’ve been together 10 years, and its expected’ - thats just stupid, too - if you’re happy just being together, its not that big of a deal - and if you’re not - seriously, move on.  That said - to get married in this circumstance isn’t settling either. 

Neither is making an informed choice.  My hubby of 8 years isn’t ‘perfect’ - but I know that I’m not either.  We contrast on so many levels - but that is probably why we fit - we balance each other out.  Could either of us ‘scored’ ourselves a more wealthy, better looking, athletic, egalitarian, or any other subjective trait?  Entirely possible.  Is this settling? 

Bah. 

There is nothing at all wrong with being happily single.  But the whole idea of thinking something (love) or someone must be perfectly matched to your ideas of what that is… just rather silly.

Emma says:

11:14am | 14/02/12

Its always difficult to say something as maybe those women would not say they left without explanation. Maybe they would say they have tried and tried and tried?

I dont think we can make one person responsible for leaving the other. I know I have my flaws. And sometimes you are just not as good together as it seemed like in the beginning.

Maybe be a bit more selective when you meet them? I currently have this guy trying to ask me out but he has a child with another woman and he doesnt care for the kid at all. I am not getting involved with him as I think, why would he care for our child if he doesnt care for this one?
Maybe you have somewhere overlooked a nice girl that is better suited for you?

Jade says:

02:44pm | 14/02/12

That sucks sj. Some women are just down right bitches! Least you still have your dog and she didn’t take that.

You just need to find the right one, it will happen when it is meant to.

ByStealth says:

03:28pm | 14/02/12

‘said ‘we didnt connect’ when i did everything for her including her washing and ironing’

Seeing a pattern? I certainly am.

Melrusk says:

05:20pm | 14/02/12

Luck is all in the perspective.
Think how lucky you are that you are free to be your self when some one far more interesting comes along.

bec says:

12:37pm | 14/02/12

Not teachers. We don’t want declarations of love from our students (or at least the ones who want to stay registered don’t).

Food, though, we will accept.

Rebecca says:

11:51pm | 14/02/12

@ bec

Hmm… so the card my nearly 4yr old made for her female kindy teacher should be binned before she gets to school?

Valentines day isn’t just about ‘romantic’ love - I loved several of my teachers through school - they made some profound impacts on me - and I often made cards for them.

Teachers whinge and complain that they’re unappreciated… and yet appreciation from the people who should matter goes punished?

That said - I understand the line being walked - I’m a teacher wannabe - but I don’t agree that the line is (or should be) as fine as some make it out to be.

Emma says:

11:27am | 14/02/12

I dont believe you.

amy says:

11:46am | 14/02/12

which part?

Im a solitary kind of person,I enjoy my time alone…

Im being serious, the whole thing surrounding “relationships” (especially when your a young teenager) I just dont get, romantic comedies, and the Ideas around romance have allways annoyed me

that said somtimes yeah, mabye I want to make that connection with somone, but its hardly somthing Im worried about, if it happnes it will happen..right now I dont care (or really want that)

Chris L says:

11:54am | 14/02/12

I’m the same way. I’ve actually found I’m happier single than in a relationship (probably due to being an introvert). I recommend offering one of your male friends a benefits agreement to take care of that sex drive thing.

amy says:

12:18pm | 14/02/12

@Chris L

ahh…but that has the possability of getting complicated

Weary says:

01:30pm | 14/02/12

Cheer up chumps.  You won’t be twelve forever, it’ll pass.

amy says:

03:15pm | 14/02/12

@Weary

what is it with burned people and wanting everyone else to share their misery?

TC says:

02:14pm | 14/02/12

Haha best!

Clayton says:

02:22pm | 14/02/12

Sorry, My pc froze and I’d hit submit multipe times before I realized.

Just shows you the quaity of the moderators now doesn’t it.

Emma says:

12:45pm | 14/02/12

I was actually trying to get it all. Trust, respect, romance and sex.

But I admire your ability to define “real love” so easily as for me that is the hardest thing ever.

Sad Sad Reality says:

01:32pm | 14/02/12

So you figure there are more women than men?

Shane From Melbourne says:

03:30pm | 14/02/12

Never say that it’s your shout at the pub…..

Amy says:

03:18pm | 14/02/12

Seth Brundle - all I can say is you have written my thoughts exactly. Could not agree with you more, or have said it any better.. so thank you.. and Happy Valentine’s Day to you.

Josie says:

03:21pm | 14/02/12

That’s a very negative perception of couples. And I’m sure there are people out there who are in loveless relationships, held together because of children, money, commitment or just convenience. But the truth is, there are many couples who are together by choice. And who choose to stay in love despite the challenges of life and the judgement of others. I’ve never had a fairytale view of romance or love - I always thought a good relationship was about friendship, trust and teamwork. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married less than 3 years and have already had our share of challenges that would have probably broken a less solid relationship: flooding of our home, 5 unsuccessful IVF cycles. But ultimately the mutal respect we have for each other, and the support our relationship provides makes being part of this marriage worthwhile. Not because I need him, but because I choose to stay in a marriage with him. Because we both make the effort to be kind to each other, to stay interested in each other, to laugh with the other, and to keep working on our love.
As for Valentines Day, well - I think its a great opportunity for singles to make a move on the person of their desire. But for couples in established relationships, its really just another excuse to spend your hard earned coin on crap.

TC says:

03:25pm | 14/02/12

I’m glad that you can be happy with your life, although I’ll admit that I also feel a little sad for you, as a life of happiness certainly isn’t what comes through in your post.

I do wonder though, what are your prioriities - your purpose, if you will - in life?  I’m always impressed by people who can define a purpose in life beyond that of being alive, happy and courteous to others.

Viznicky says:

09:43pm | 14/02/12

I’ve been a long time single, I’m nearing thirty and have had one ‘long-term’ relationship (two and a half years). I’ve been, generally, very content being single, and the loneliness I felt was always remedied by time with my family, and friends.

I never felt disgust or pity for couples. They were people, who, if happy, I was happy for. Just as I wouldn’t expect a couple to look at me with pity or disgust when I take myself off to the movies on my own. If I’m happy, be happy for me.

As for Valentine’s Day, being with someone doesn’t make too much of a difference to me. As with many religious rituals, I’ve bastardised it to my own purposes, and I use it to be grateful for the love I have in my life, romantic or not.

Can I ask, what is, or should be, (according to your own philosophy) the main course of one’s life?

Susan says:

03:00pm | 14/02/12

Valentines Day is just a day, just like New Years Eve.  The hype is just not worth the anguish it causes people.

I have never had a memorable valentines day either Dave, it just isn’t that of big of a deal for me

JRM says:

03:41pm | 14/02/12

I’m with Susan. And in love or not - a day being named valentines day isn’t; going to increase or decrease the love. Its just another day on calendar - made commerical by card , media and flower sellers.

Rebecca says:

12:04am | 15/02/12

+1 - and I loved your post.

There are a hell of a lot of picky people out there - who tick imaginary boxes, and fail anyone as soon as there is one cross.  Perfectly good people get discarded all the time because of this entitlement to ‘perfection’ - and seriously, if you think love is about someone meeting all of your criteria… think about if you’re meeting all of theirs…

Love is give and take - there may be things you absolutely cannot abide - but these are likely to be few.

Good luck to you and your partner

Shane From Melbourne says:

04:14pm | 14/02/12

Gee, if I could spit acid, that would be awesome. I’d be a superhero or a super-villain with a name like Cobra or something…...

Anne71 says:

05:09pm | 14/02/12

Or Valentine’s Day: the day where the smug marrieds / couples try to convince the happily single that they are really sad, lonely and bitter…?

Vader says:

04:34pm | 14/02/12

He is altering the deal. Pray he doesn’t alter it any further.

Big Red says:

05:59pm | 14/02/12

“Vivre la Liberation” - I like it.
Fitting, considering I left him the day after Valentines day for one final blow of misery he performed on this day of all days…

chrisw says:

10:37pm | 14/02/12

Exactly, what is the difference between a married person and a single person anyway? One person was proposed to (or proposed) and the other wasn’t.  Big deal, it’s not like married people have achieved some heroic feat or anything.

Inalife says:

08:09pm | 15/02/12

And you give your daughter…..what ?

Inalife says:

08:11pm | 15/02/12

Define “happy” please ? 
Best we can aim for is contentment in give and take ?

Gustav says:

01:56pm | 15/02/12

I have two voices in my head. And they talk to each other. They ignore me. They think I don’t know what’s going on, but I do…