A handy guide to complaining about stuff
Life as a switched-on, concerned and indignant citizen can be confusing. There are so many options.
From screaming leftie to uptighty righty, it’s hard to know exactly which knee-jerk reaction is the best one.
To that end, I’ve compiled a handy guide for you, listing possible scenarios and offering recommendations, based on experience and observation, regarding the best way to react. You’re welcome. It’s called: SO YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT REACTING TO STUFF?
Scenario 1: There’s a brand new government in town.
Reaction: You may either immediately commence announcing that you preferred the previous government or, if you voted for the new government, you may delay your announced preference for the previous government (or minor party without a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected) until you have become properly disillusioned. Two, three weeks maybe.
Scenario 2: The present government has been in power for a year or two.
Reaction: Claim that you liked their old stuff better than their new stuff. If an election rolls around, see Scenario 1.
Scenario 3: You dislike a new tax that is being introduced.
Reaction: Be sure to claim that it will put jobs at risk and carefully calculate how it will affect the price of milk, bread and petrol. DO NOT use a birthday cake as an analogy.
Scenario 4: You like a new tax that is being introduced.
Reaction: No data indicating the likelihood of this scenario is currently available.
Scenario 5: People are talking about abortion, euthanasia or same-sex marriage.
Reaction: If you’re religious, this one’s easy – just tell people that your particular brand of Sky Dude says no. If you’re not religious, you can still sound religious if you like – just whack the word ‘tradition’ in there instead of ‘god’, and mention how things were before, or at some other point in history. ‘Your day’, for example, or just ‘yore’. If you’re for it, walk in a rally. If you’re Germaine Greer, say whatever you like, but for god’s sake say something.
Scenario 6: You see a picture of a model on a catwalk who is thinner or younger than you’re used to.
Reaction: Really go for it. This is an OUTRAGE, and that skirt is FABULOUS.
Scenario 7: You’re watching Q & A on the ABC
Reaction: Tweet about what one of the panellists is wearing, or how they’ve done their hair. Yay, you’re political!
Scenario 8: You’ve become aware of some kind of injustice, disease or cruelty.
Reaction: Find a charity that helps or supports those suffering from injustice, disease or cruelty and ‘like’ their page on Facebook. Yay, you’re an activist!
Scenario 9: A celebrity you’ve heard of dies.
Reaction: Google the celebrity to remind yourself how deeply they affected your life, then use the words “shocked” and “saddened” a lot. Unless you’ve got a joke about how they died, then quick! Tweet it!
Scenario 10: Teachers or nurses or some other bleeding hearts who should be raising your children for you or fetching you magazines are having a whinge.
Reaction: What, still?
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