A glimpse of life in 2040
It’s that time of the year again when people begin pieces with “it’s that time of the year again” and tweak the end bit slightly to sound cool and “alternative”.
I refer, of course, to the awkward period between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.
Hands grip wobbling bellies in the aftermath of a national pudding massacre as their owners ponder how they will lose the extra baggage before the all-important New Year’s party.
Credit cards are declined by BWS staff who grumble as they carry five cartons of beer back to the cold room and children throw tantrums because Megamind 3D is sold out while angrily stomping on $400 worth of new Lego.
Somehow, though, everything works out.
Office Christmas party “incidents” become forgotten files in dusty HR draws and money woes are cheerfully put on hold.
The inevitable New Year’s Eve fallout is ignored once again as excitement builds for this week’s “biggest event of the year”.
For most of us, however, this Friday night won’t differ all that much from last year’s New Year’s bash.
Minor details will change, but the end result will undoubtedly remain the same: (insert self-deprecating personal hangover joke here).
As technology marches forward, however, and social media continues to tighten its grip on everyday life, one can only imagine how the silly season will look in decades to come.
And so, after carefully re-watching Back to the Future II and consulting a range of online star signs, I present to you a glimpse of Christmas and New Year’s Eve 2040:
-The traditionally loveable Santa Claus will be replaced by the rather dubious “Zuckerclaus” who slides down chimneys when no one’s looking, photocopies passports, family photos and other important documents, cuts keys to every lock in the house and leaves a hastily scribbled “singles in your area” ad before fleeing and denying the whole nasty business.
-“Christmas” will become “Oprah presents a non-denominational, yet still incredibly spiritual, all inclusive, totally non-offensive - mas” after a brief stint as “Apple-iMas” during the 2030’s (when Steve Jobs was officially listed as a God).
-Children will still be allowed to get their photo taken with Santa at the shopping centre- provided they completely cover their faces, ask Santa for a valid blue card and stand at least 30 metres away at all times. Parents must then physically burn all prints in front of government-appointed elves within five seconds of viewing.
-McDonald’s will enjoy an 83% market share. This will mean that exactly 6,783,491 Australians will watch Channel Nine’s “20 to 1: Funniest laughing track-prompted Two and a Half Men moments” instead of celebrating New Years Eve in some sort of standing position.
-Drunken New Year’s tweets will no longer exist. Twitter exploded and created a rip in the space-time continuum in 2025 when Lara Bingle pashed Shane Warne while he was texting Kate Middleton who was collaborating with Justin Bieber on a new Kanye West album. #whoa
-Facebook will be advanced (read: sneaky) enough to accurately recommend ideal gifts for friends and family. Luckily, we’ll all still be cheap enough to ignore it and thoughtlessly buy heavily discounted Ferrero Rocher for everyone again.
-Christmas will be 2 degrees hotter due to Bono-induced global warming. In the mid-2020s, U2 held 387 stadium concerts across four continents in an effort to urge leaders to reduce carbon emissions. Featuring epic set pieces and the world’s most extravagant fireworks display, the now infamous “Cool it” tore a gigantic hole in the ozone layer. On the upside, Bono took home buckets of money. Yay Bono!
-Location updates on Facebook and Twitter will destroy thousands of marriages during the festive season:
“I’m so sorry I can’t fly home and see you this xmas love- all flights at Heathrow are grounded. I really miss you and give each of the kids a kiss for me - sent from my iPhone from Port Vila, Vanuatu.”
-Most families, however, will remain largely unchanged:
“@Jill ly made me invite you because Deb left you. for me"hrow are grounded. xx zine)ng a duet with Justin Bieber.e pashed ShanHey sis, I’ve been stuck in traffic all day so probs can’t make chrissy lunch with you and John. Cheers, Greg”
“@Greg Thank God. You’re a complete prat anyway. Mum only made me invite you because Deb left you. Lots of love, Jill.”
-However, the most popular New Year’s resolution will remain:
“This year, I’m going to come up with a really quirky/new age/alternative new year’s resolution that makes me sound deep and worldly, yet is completely unquantifiable so none of my friends can work out if I actually succeeded or not next year.”
Hope you all had a merry Christmas and are keeping well hydrated in preparation for a very happy New Year.
At the very least, I hope your children said “thank you” for the Lego and someone else did something stupid enough at the Christmas party to take the attention away from you.
It’s the little things that count, after all.
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