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A glimpse of life in 2040

Jason Tin

by Jason Tin

29 Dec 05:55am

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Filed under: Christmas, Future, New Year, Society, Summer, Traditions

35 comments

It’s that time of the year again when people begin pieces with “it’s that time of the year again” and tweak the end bit slightly to sound cool and “alternative”.

Actually, 2040 will look nothing like this. Photo: Chris Pavlich.

I refer, of course, to the awkward period between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Hands grip wobbling bellies in the aftermath of a national pudding massacre as their owners ponder how they will lose the extra baggage before the all-important New Year’s party.

Credit cards are declined by BWS staff who grumble as they carry five cartons of beer back to the cold room and children throw tantrums because Megamind 3D is sold out while angrily stomping on $400 worth of new Lego.

Somehow, though, everything works out.

Office Christmas party “incidents” become forgotten files in dusty HR draws and money woes are cheerfully put on hold.

The inevitable New Year’s Eve fallout is ignored once again as excitement builds for this week’s “biggest event of the year”.

For most of us, however, this Friday night won’t differ all that much from last year’s New Year’s bash.

Minor details will change, but the end result will undoubtedly remain the same: (insert self-deprecating personal hangover joke here).

As technology marches forward, however, and social media continues to tighten its grip on everyday life, one can only imagine how the silly season will look in decades to come.

And so, after carefully re-watching Back to the Future II and consulting a range of online star signs, I present to you a glimpse of Christmas and New Year’s Eve 2040:

-The traditionally loveable Santa Claus will be replaced by the rather dubious “Zuckerclaus” who slides down chimneys when no one’s looking, photocopies passports, family photos and other important documents, cuts keys to every lock in the house and leaves a hastily scribbled “singles in your area” ad before fleeing and denying the whole nasty business.

-“Christmas” will become “Oprah presents a non-denominational, yet still incredibly spiritual, all inclusive, totally non-offensive - mas” after a brief stint as “Apple-iMas” during the 2030’s (when Steve Jobs was officially listed as a God).

-Children will still be allowed to get their photo taken with Santa at the shopping centre- provided they completely cover their faces, ask Santa for a valid blue card and stand at least 30 metres away at all times. Parents must then physically burn all prints in front of government-appointed elves within five seconds of viewing.

-McDonald’s will enjoy an 83% market share. This will mean that exactly 6,783,491 Australians will watch Channel Nine’s “20 to 1: Funniest laughing track-prompted Two and a Half Men moments” instead of celebrating New Years Eve in some sort of standing position.

-Drunken New Year’s tweets will no longer exist. Twitter exploded and created a rip in the space-time continuum in 2025 when Lara Bingle pashed Shane Warne while he was texting Kate Middleton who was collaborating with Justin Bieber on a new Kanye West album. #whoa

-Facebook will be advanced (read: sneaky) enough to accurately recommend ideal gifts for friends and family. Luckily, we’ll all still be cheap enough to ignore it and thoughtlessly buy heavily discounted Ferrero Rocher for everyone again.

-Christmas will be 2 degrees hotter due to Bono-induced global warming. In the mid-2020s, U2 held 387 stadium concerts across four continents in an effort to urge leaders to reduce carbon emissions. Featuring epic set pieces and the world’s most extravagant fireworks display, the now infamous “Cool it” tore a gigantic hole in the ozone layer. On the upside, Bono took home buckets of money. Yay Bono!

-Location updates on Facebook and Twitter will destroy thousands of marriages during the festive season:

“I’m so sorry I can’t fly home and see you this xmas love- all flights at Heathrow are grounded. I really miss you and give each of the kids a kiss for me - sent from my iPhone from Port Vila, Vanuatu.”

-Most families, however, will remain largely unchanged:

“@Jill ly made me invite you because Deb left you.  for me"hrow are grounded. xx zine)ng a duet with Justin Bieber.e pashed ShanHey sis, I’ve been stuck in traffic all day so probs can’t make chrissy lunch with you and John. Cheers, Greg”

“@Greg Thank God. You’re a complete prat anyway. Mum only made me invite you because Deb left you. Lots of love, Jill.”

-However, the most popular New Year’s resolution will remain:

“This year, I’m going to come up with a really quirky/new age/alternative new year’s resolution that makes me sound deep and worldly, yet is completely unquantifiable so none of my friends can work out if I actually succeeded or not next year.”

Hope you all had a merry Christmas and are keeping well hydrated in preparation for a very happy New Year.

At the very least, I hope your children said “thank you” for the Lego and someone else did something stupid enough at the Christmas party to take the attention away from you.

It’s the little things that count, after all.

Most commented

353"Gifting", "journey" and other words we hate
309Thomson didn't answer the question everyone is asking
246A big day for Thomson, who thus far is guilty of nothing...
242They must pay for one's bitter disappointments
230Craig Thomson speaks. Meanwhile, in Australia...
230South Australia. It's the middle bottom bit.
224The most laughable, err, spoof since Einfeld
224Punch on: Open thread 17/05/2012

35 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • PeterE says:

      07:12am | 29/12/10

      New years eve, 2040.Much of Europe and North America are experiencing blizzard like conditions and the southern hemisphere can expect similar come its winter season.
      A CSIRO fellow has announced that the organisation has revised its climate predictions –after a wikileak which exposed climategate II – and is now predicting a new ice age.
      At the cutting edge as usual,  James Hansen—who has been kept alive with new genetic technology— has just released his latest tome “The Blizzards of Our Grand Children”.
      The columnists of Punch have taken it all in their stride writing that –warning or cooling , it makes no difference,  it’s all the fault of capitalism.

      The boats are still coming –but they are now emanating from South America—President Paul Howes III has just welcome the 2,000th boat for the year, at Bondi.During his welcoming speech he admonished Australians that they are duty bound to accept all comers,  since we are culpable for their plight, cutting back as we did on our CO2 emissions,  which contributed to the worlds cooling and the great Andean ice advance.His remarks were echoed by the vice president   Abdullah Amir (who was in attendance with one of his four partners, Abdullah Abdullah) who went on to call for a program of special treatment for the new arrivals,warning that unless they quickly attained the big houses, cars and cushy jobs , they had risked crossing the ocean for. They were likely to turn feral –and it would be all our fault.

      In other news,  Julian Assuage has been officially proclaimed Australia’s second saint –though, in the interests of ecumenism he was jointly named as a (Muslim) madhi, as well.

      Reply

    • jeremy says:

      10:03am | 29/12/10

      this is gold

    • Hates partisans says:

      10:37pm | 01/01/11

      New Years Eve, 2040. PeterE is still terrified of the “imminent invasion” of gay, Marxist Muslim extremists (that for some bizarre reason that can be totally attributable to some saintly Liberal government or another, hasn’t yet eventuated).

    • gina says:

      07:27am | 29/12/10

      gah. you’re one crazy kat. no, seriously though. I am looking forward to 2040 now.

      Reply

    • Tane says:

      11:57am | 29/12/10

      But what if I WANT heavily discounted Ferrero Rochers?

    • Peter Joseph says:

      07:59am | 29/12/10

      We won’t be around in 2040, if we were, 90% of the population would have perished and the other 10% would be living in absolute hell in governance to the New World Order.

      Reply

    • Nat says:

      08:15am | 29/12/10

      The Bono comments are spot on.

      Reply

    • Rossco says:

      08:18am | 29/12/10

      Two words: Zombie Apocalpyse.

      Reply

    • Shifter says:

      05:46pm | 29/12/10

      I’m prepared, are you?

    • Mickey says:

      09:16am | 29/12/10

      The country will be hoping for a better New Year in 2041 after they lost the Boxing Day test for the 30th consecutive year. The captain, Ricardo Punting said we should not worry as Afghanistan was now the world leader in cricket. This sentiment was agreed by his deputy Mikhaela Cluck. It was hoped that when the clones of McGrath, Warne, Hayden and Waugh became available in the following year as they had reached the correct age, then things would improve.

      Reply

    • Tedd says:

      09:19am | 29/12/10

      Religion will be down to 8% following.

      Kids will be going thru school faster due to more rational thinking in society, and will be reaching emotional maturity sooner.

      Reply

    • weznagwama says:

      09:49am | 29/12/10

      Thanks for the laugh while im stuck here at work!

      Reply

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      10:30am | 29/12/10

      Overpopulation, blowout in deficit due to oil dependence, southernmost province of China, ecosystem collapse, take your pick because the Australian future is not going to be pretty…..(the price you pay for incompetent politicians and the welfare handout mentality)

      Reply

    • Bully says:

      11:29am | 29/12/10

      New Years Australia 2040. After the celebration of 20 years as a muslim country, we are once again reminded by Australian Prime Minister Abdul that the consumption of alcohol is strictly forbidden and harsh punisment will be applied to any and all indiscretions associated with the female gender.
      The execution attempt on Shane Warne has already enforced this point. 
      The only persons allowed on the street after 7pm are Sydney Taxi Drivers as this will aid in the transportation of the current influx of ‘Immigrants’.
      Every working person in Australia WILL ‘donate’ a 40% portion of their salary to accomodate the influx of ‘New Australians’, A 50% Tax will be applied to the 40% portion already ‘Donated’.  The Donation and Tax on Donation will incorporate an administration excise of 50%. However you may claim a total of not more than 1% of total expendature, therefore you are free to utilise the remaining 10% of your salary as you wish.

      Reply

    • Leon says:

      04:38pm | 29/12/10

      Some former Christian European countries are already heading this way, sad but true. Nertherlands, Belgium, France to mention a few. Actually the first European country that should fall over to islamic migration seems to be Russia.

      I guess one good thing to come out of this, it will bring our spolt pampered western women back into line.
      Islam = Man’s world.

    • Piper says:

      11:36am | 29/12/10

      Shane… sorry, but… my version is….

      No overpopulation… there will be some major human culling between than and now.

      Oil dependence?... no, oil will go the way that coal did in the 1900’s..

      And lastly, you simply cannot predict the future in certainty.. the predictions some 40 years ago prove that!

      Reply

    • TheRealDave says:

      03:07pm | 29/12/10

      You mean we don’t use coal any more?

      Awesome!

      Is your computer powered by ‘Hopes and Dreams” ??

    • Gregg says:

      12:35pm | 29/12/10

      If you thought the Poms were whingers back in 50s and 60s, and no, not the cricketers just wait until the 40s with the influx we’ll be having for the next three decades with the onset of the Ice Age.
      We’ll have gotten over Baron Bob, Countess Christine and Silly Sarah and done/started some constructive survival constructions, the demise of coal popularity seeing all massive coal dredgers and associated earth moving equipment equipment creating a series of mountain ranges starting about Hay and to the east heading north to rival the Rockies and including dams/hydro with water supplementation for the Murrumbidgee/Darling/Murray.
      Vehicle fuels shortages and road crowding will have ceased to exist and obesity may be trending down as we all take to http://www.google.com.au/images?hl=en&q=Four+wheel+cycles&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=eJ0aTeinA43yvwPRoJzmDQ&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=5&ved=0CEwQsAQwBA&biw=1056&bih=502

      Reply

    • Phil S says:

      12:57pm | 29/12/10

      After the liberals win power in 2013, and cancel the National Broadband Network (NBN), Australia becomes a technological backwater.

      While billions of dollars are thrown at Telstra sporadically for “wireless” solutions (Telstra is of course not legally obliged to use the money to improve services), no significant progress is made over the following 20 years, except for an increased take up of smartphones for checking email and facebook.

      After 2033, technology use declines even further as we rebel over low pay for too much work (fuelled by the fact that the “iPhone is always on”).

      By 2040, no one cares about Australia anymore, and China finally invades without any resistance from the rest of the world.

      Reply

    • john says:

      01:20pm | 29/12/10

      @Phil S “By 2040, no one cares about Australia anymore, and China finally invades without any resistance from the rest of the world.” 

      IMHO your out by 40 years its happening now, most of whats valuable will be mostly sucked out within a decade. Thanks Australian, pollies &  billionaires for selling us out, to become subservient to the red paint that’s leaking from a land above us in the northern hemisphere.

    • Concrap says:

      01:49pm | 29/12/10

      following on from
      :By 2040, no one cares about Australia anymore, and China finally invades without any resistance from the rest of the world.:

      China arrives to see coalition installed mobile wireless antennas every 20 metres down every street and a population suffering from the long term effects of being slowly roasted by both the sun and the wireless emitted radiation

      China continues to rip resources out of the ground and they begin the process of “re-wiring’ the country with fibre to the home, because it is still the only viable solution.

    • TimB says:

      03:27pm | 29/12/10

      So we make these Smartphones work with a technologically backward, sporadic wireless network?

      Go us.

    • Ryan says:

      01:46pm | 29/12/10

      Oh look, Straaaahhhns fearing Islam yet again. How surprising. NOT.

      Reply

    • Rai says:

      06:59pm | 29/12/10

      You seem to know something the rest of us dont Ryan. Why are you keeping it to yourself?

      Why dont we have to fear a brutal totalitarian ideology thats in the latest phase of a 1300 year old drive to subjugate the world? Islam is the National Socialism of the Mid-East. We should all be scared when it gets UN protection from slander and insult.

    • Veganista says:

      05:23am | 02/01/11

      Don’t confuse fear with a healthy natural repellence to insanity. And instead of saying ‘Straaaaahhhns’, you should say the majority of people in every Western country on earth. And lastly, 1992 called and wants its ‘NOT’ back.

    • notSue says:

      02:23pm | 29/12/10

      Bahaha! Thanks for the chuckle, Jason!

      *Hastily tries to come up with some cool-sounding NYs resolution because cutting back on the booze just doesn’t cut it anymore!*

      Reply

    • david says:

      02:41pm | 29/12/10

      wow, the comments here are quite funny, interesting and at times intelligent! I normally read the HS comments to laugh at the people commenting, here i find myself laughing with the people commenting. Nice.

      Reply

    • Punters Pal says:

      03:55pm | 29/12/10

      In 2040 US will finally default on its gigantic foreign debt and they will be using the collateral they have with their largest foreign debt owner, China to allow China to take over the Kimberly region of Australia. This takes care of paying royalties and mining taxes by Chinese government owned BHP and Rio Tinto to rest of the Australia. Port Headland will become the capital of the newest province of People’s Republic. Rest of the Australia is going through two days of navel gazing, but soon the public will be more worried about the important stuff - whether to bring back Warnie, who at age of 70 is still a better spinner than all the cricketers.

      Reply

    • Stewart Henstock says:

      05:28pm | 29/12/10

      2040?
      1. We finally win the ashes.
      2. Boat people are no longer arriving.They are are leaving.
      3. Gay marriage is no longer an issue as everyone is now gay.
      4. There are only 2 political parties:the LEFT and the Right
      5. and the planet is ruled by damn dirty apes.

      Reply

    • john says:

      10:28pm | 29/12/10

      2040? Why do any of us care, many of us by then will either be dead or humiliated by getting our arse wiped by some poor bastard spawned by the 2011 paid parental leave and baby bonuses, most likely in some clapped out nursing home infested with cockroaches and rodents. OR if you can’t afford that luxury, kick the bucket at home on your own , and let your starving pets make a meal of you before you can start to stink. yummy.

      The bones will make a nice good clean skeleton for your local high school biology class after the salvos come around at Xmas to discover you.

      Reply

    • The Tardis says:

      07:22am | 30/12/10

      We won’t be here in 2040 so enjoy the moment.  With over population, we’ll either run out of oxygen or a mad man with too much uranium will hit the red button. Enjoy the moment!  Happy New Year!

      Reply

    • MelD says:

      10:28am | 30/12/10

      doubtful, depending on the direction of solar flares in 10 years we may be wiped back to stone age with no electricity or the ice age will come and cull the overpopulation or Yellowstone will erupt as it is overdue and that will also cull some of it, mother nature is quite adept at culling too many people

    • Robert Smissen, rural SA, God's own country says:

      10:31pm | 30/12/10

      Prime minister Mark Abib will promise, “no child will be living in poverty by 2042

      Reply

    • Shockadelic says:

      03:34pm | 31/12/10

      A civil war, the culmination of the stresses of decades of globalisation and multicultural immigration, begins after Islamic terrorists blow up the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

      An ‘intolerant extremist’ political party wins 82% of the vote in what later turns out to be the last election ever held.
      State and local government abolished.

      Immigration is immediately ceased indefinitely.

      Almost all public assets are sold and services privatised.

      All violent criminals are executed (abortion is a violent crime).

      Employers only pay hourly wages/salaries.
      All other payments (leave, superannuation) are replaced by a Citizen Dividend paid to all citizens directly from the government (also replaces welfare/pensions).
      As all citizens receive Citizen Dividend, unions and tipping are banned.

      Australia remains only nation on Earth without censorship.
      Thriving media publishing industry ensues.

      Domestic economy encouraged by simpler single tax on bank account debits (double tax rate on foreign transactions).

      Australia rescinds all international law and membership of international organisations.

      Australia is pariah of New Class here and abroad, but the people don’t care as ‘intolerant extremist’ government has stopped war, solved unemployment and puts interests of Australians first.

      Reply

    • Denno says:

      09:34am | 02/01/11

      Predictions for 2040

      Queensland State Premier Bindi Irwin criticised for exploiting her daughter to sell the Australian Zoo’s newly acquired (gifted) asset - The Great Barrier Reef. The new ad campaign, “Where the bloody hell are youse all, ‘ey?” features a bikini clad Mercedes Irwin walking on a stunning Queensland beach.

      Hugh Hefner , aged 114, announced his marriage to Baghdad Hilton, 23, daughter of heiress Paris Hilton. Hefner said he will be moving out of the Playboy mansion to live with his new bride but was happy to be leaving his beloved mansion in good hands. “Im sure Shane Warne will love this place as much as I did.”

      At his press conference to announce his latest farewell tour, John Farnham claims to have no knowledge of past farewell tours and stated he was not misrepresenting himself to his public. He also claimed that Kevin Rudd was still the Australian Prime Minister.

      Australian selectors Michael Clarke, Doug Bollinger and Usman Khawaja announce changes to the Australian Cricket team in an attempt to win back the Ashes for the first time since 2007.

      AFL judiciary members Brendan Fevola and Ben Cousins clear the Collingwood players accused of being drunk and disorderly. It was claimed that Fevola said, “If the players weren’t arrested then they couldn’t have partied hard enough to warrant sanctions against them.”

      Reply
 
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