In yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch has unearthed a transcript of Prime Minister JULIA GILLARD and Immigration Minister CHRIS BOWEN’s secret meeting with Opposition Leader TONY ABBOTT asking him to pass new asylum seeker laws…

JULIA: Thank you for coming everybody. It’s wonderful to finally have a spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship on this difficult and sensitive issue.
TONY: Just out of curiosity, was that a guillotine above the door?
JULIA: Not at all Tony. Now if you could just stand a little bit to your left…
TONY: As I said to Malcolm, that’s not my style.
JULIA takes CHRIS aside and starts whispering to him.
JULIA: Have we got a Plan B?
CHRIS: You mean besides Timor?
JULIA: No, I mean besides the trapdoor.
CHRIS: Oh yeah, I’ve got two handguns, an RPG, six knives and a baseball bat with a nail in it.
JULIA: Jesus. Where did you get all that?
CHRIS: We frisked Tony when he came in.
They return to TONY, who has whiled away the time by bench pressing a coffee table.
JULIA: Sorry to keep you waiting.
TONY: That’s alright, it’s only two years. Anyone got any Gatorade?
CHRIS: Look, the thing is we’re in a bit of a pickle and we were hoping you might be able to give us a bit of a hand.
TONY: Of course, I’m the Leader of the Opposition. Anything I can do to help the government just let me know.
An aide whispers something in Tony’s ear.
TONY: Oh, my apologies. Apparently I’m not supposed to help you guys at all.
CHRIS: But you just said the complete reverse a second ago!
TONY: You should see my climate change policy.
JULIA: I think there’s a strategy we can use so that we both win.
TONY: Is that the same strategy you used in the election?
CHRIS: The thing is Tony, you are going to need this same law when you are in government.
TONY: You mean the one that says the government’s allowed to blow boats out of the water?
TONY’s aide whispers to him again.
TONY: Sorry, apparently I’m not supposed to talk about that yet.
JULIA: So the thing is you have to pass the law for your own sake.
TONY: Why don’t I just pass my own law when I win?
JULIA and CHRIS exchange worried looks and quickly whisper to each other.
CHRIS: Er, because we’ll block it in the Senate.
TONY: But how can you block it when it’s your law?
JULIA: Not when we’re in opposition it’s not. We’ll have discovered our principles again.
TONY: Man, I really don’t understand the Labor Party. Why can’t you just get a policy and stick to it like me?
CHRIS: Oh yeah? Name one policy you’ve stuck to.
TONY: Hulk SMASH!
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