Later this year, Paranormal Activity 4 will attempt to scare the cash out of horror fans around the world.
The fourth in a series of films about one family’s stubborn refusal to find a new real estate agent, it promises to feed our thirst for footage of slowly opening doors, people lounging around in pools and random bits of IKEA furniture doing absolutely nothing.
The success of the Paranormal Activity franchise is clear proof of our continuing fondness for ghost movies.
People can’t get enough of watching attractive men and women trip over things and scream at walls.
Even regular movies are trying to sneak the word “ghost” into their titles in a blatant attempt to nab some of that sweet, sweet ghost moolah.
A prime example is Mission Impossible 3: Ghost Protocol – movie that promises plenty of ghosts (and protocols).
Anyone who has seen it, however, knows that the plot has little to do with ghosts at all and is actually about Tom Cruise blowing up things and shooting people as part of an elaborate plan to sell his friends iPhones and iPads.
Last year, Australia’s finest special effects teams and make-up artists turned their ghoulish attention to Channel Nine’s unique take on the genre, Celebrity Apprentice.
A show about the horrors of television purgatory, audiences were decidedly shocked when the final twist (spoiler alert) revealed that all the characters’ careers were dead the entire time.
I understand some of you don’t believe in the supernatural and to you I say this: Are you calling Demi Moore a liar?
Ghost movies are comforting because they teach us that when we die, we’ll pretty much be able to do whatever the hell we want.
I can never understand why Hollywood ghosts spend all their time whining: “Solve my murder! Tell my wife I love her! Why is Sigourney Weaver the love interest in this?”
They often overlook the fact that they can walk through walls and make small areas of certain rooms a fraction of a degree colder.
Being dead is the life. The only thing they have to worry about are those TV ghost hunter-type people who use electromagnetic detector things to find wayward spirits (it’s also believed to be the same method used to take that picture of Snooki without make-up).
I personally cannot wait to become a ghost (or Daniel Craig, which ever happens first).
I’ve already started writing out a list of things to do when I take my spectral form.
At the top of my list is seeing heaps of movies for free and then leave a mysterious note on the counter that says: “I just saw heaps of movies for free.”
That’s what you get for charging for extra for 3D releases.
I also have plans to permanently haunt Haley Joel Osment, despite the fact that he himself is rumoured to have been a ghost since the early 2000s.
Every night, for the remainder of his life, I’ll switch his phone charger off at exactly 12.15am he’ll wake up and be like “25 per cent? I thought I switched that on before I went to bed”. And I’ll be all “no, Haley Joel Osment, I switched it off – because I’m a ghost”.
I’m also planning on visiting pottery classes and running my filthy, ghost hands all over people’s vases and bowls, turning their hard work into a disgusting pile of mess.
That’s how a proper ghost would roll. Let’s see Paranormal Activity 4 top that.
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