A considered retort to the mother-in-law from hell

Tedd says:

08:04am | 01/07/11

Hehehe.

Step-Mother-in-Law undermined her good points by overstating some other points - the full email uses “uncouth’ and “poor Freddie”.

jay-ded says:

08:27am | 01/07/11

One must agree with Bec.

Octavia says:

10:04am | 01/07/11

If you read the whole letter (not shown on this website) it makes her sound like an even bigger twat. She has a go at Heidi for talking about her diabetes and says it’s vulgar to speak about it. The MIL is all class…

Belle says:

10:38am | 01/07/11

Octavia- can you provide a link to the full email? I cant find it anywhere.

Octavia says:

11:21am | 01/07/11

Belle, I found it on this link here: http://www.digitalspy.com.au/odd/news/a327487/bride-to-be-criticised-by-mother-in-law-in-viral-email.html

txvoltaire says:

11:31am | 01/07/11

The mom-in-law may have had a point, but there’s still such a thing as snail mail.

Bev says:

01:22pm | 01/07/11

Octavia says:10:04am | 01/07/11
She has a go at Heidi for talking about her diabetes and says it’s vulgar to speak about it.

If you read the whole text I believe that is not over the top.  The text:

It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic. I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition. She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

Her point here was that she is not alone and others do get on with it without having to draw attention to themselves and claim “victim”.  It begs the question did she or her son mention to the mother her condition before hand to give the mother a chance to cater for her? It is also apparent the mother was not without some knowledge about diabetics.

Further the mother compliments her sister on her manners so the parents obviously did try to teach manners she chose to ignore them being the entitled princess she thinks she is.

I do thank you Octavia for providing a link to the email reading the whole text allows one to put it in context rather than cherry picking.

Austin 3:16 says:

09:43am | 02/07/11

Hey Bev,
“Further the mother compliments her sister on her manners” Nope the mother compliments her future sister in law on her manners.

ie you should be more like my children.

The bit about diabetes certainly casts the criticisms about food in a very different light

marley says:

11:27am | 02/07/11

I wonder if the fact that she has diabetes has anything to do with the fact that there are foods she told the m-i-l she cannot eat?  Or that she may need to eat at fixed intervals, irrespective of the “rules of the house? “

Should that be the case, then I think the mother in law is out of line.

Bev says:

12:59pm | 01/07/11

Hardly if you look at the social mayhem out there.

Mavman says:

08:05am | 01/07/11

Mother in laws = Good

Sister in laws = VERY BAD!

acotrel says:

08:53am | 01/07/11

@S.L.
‘I got on with my mother in law very well. It was her daughter I had the problem with! ‘

Me too!  Especially when she got into writing poisonous letters to other members of the family about my own mother! Some women need the services of a good shrink to deal with their personality disorders!

acotrel says:

09:36am | 01/07/11

I love both of my mother-in-laws ! I’m friends with the two of them.

Shifter says:

11:36am | 01/07/11

@acotrel - you have 2 spouses?

Damon says:

11:02pm | 01/07/11

@ Shifter… doesn’t everyone?

acotrel says:

09:43am | 03/07/11

@Shifter Just because one is an ex-spouse, that doesn’t mean you’ve sacked all the rellies too!

Iggy says:

11:11am | 01/07/11

Uhh no, actually the MILK sounds like a moneyed middle class typical British snob. Still has the colonial attitude that the rest of the world should act like Middle class Britain. Ridiculous.

jay-ded says:

08:31am | 01/07/11

The younger generation have no idea on table manners or when to be seen and not heard.  How dare the future daughter-in-law talk at the table while the grown ups are discussing the rest of her life.  Just what gives her the idea that she has any say in where her wedding should be held. 

I blame the young ladies parents.

TChong says:

10:54am | 01/07/11

Jay-ded
Maybe you have a complete transcript from some where?
Dont see ( or care) about any comments re -discussing her future, wedding etc.
I was thinking more about Heidis eating habits, which, if true , probaly could be refined, just a little, perhaps?
Would / did you act the same as “Heidi”?
Either way, nothing too serios to worry about.

ibast says:

11:14am | 01/07/11

I suspect most of it would have been coped on the chin by the MIL and never talked about.  The presumption of spending the grooms money on a tacky wedding seems to be the trigger that brought it all out.

Kika says:

01:06pm | 01/07/11

I agree… they are particularly bad manners.

Johor says:

07:27pm | 01/07/11

The mother in law has clear understanding of what constitutes acceptable behavious. Heidi is clearly a self centred child, surely not mature enough except physically to get married. Poor Freddie! Sounds like something out of a corny send up of ‘My Fair Lady’!

Lilly says:

11:51am | 02/07/11

The woman tries to forc efeed the bride to be stuff that she can’t eat (probably due to her diabetes) then tells her not to talk about her diabetes which she probably did as explaination as to why she couldn’t eat said foor, or why she needed more of said food. Step Mother In Law to be need to get over herself!

Stuart H says:

02:20pm | 02/07/11

Possibly. But 60 is a bit old to change habits, and it’s offensive to call someone of that age a “girl” (likewise with 29, but with the worse manners, I’ll assume you’re talking about the stepmother).

bec says:

09:01am | 01/07/11

How does this make her a scumbag? If I got an abusive email from someone, sure as hell I’d share it with friends for a laugh.

If the mother wanted to keep it genuinely private and classy, she’d have sat her down quietly, in private, and discussed it in a tactful manner. The mother-in-law is a tacky-ass Hyacinth Bucket wannabe.

Chris L says:

09:29am | 01/07/11

I think it was even more blindingly stupid for the MIL to email these issues to future DIL. A few surreptitious words of manipulation to her son about his future bride would have caused better, longer lasting havoc.

Besides, humiliating a person because they didn’t rise at the crack of dawn or because they started eating while everyone else at the table was fluffing around is, in itself, an impolite act.

Macca says:

09:48am | 01/07/11

Chris L, exactly

She has a go to her future daughter-in-law about her manners OVER EMAIL. Classic MiL hypocrisy.

Cyn says:

10:13am | 01/07/11

Well said Bec, my sentiments exactly!!

Plain Jane says:

10:34am | 01/07/11

Mums aren’t always perfect, but they can spot trash, bad mannered, ignorant , no hoper, whether it be a female or male potential daughter/son-in-law -  you bet.  By sharing email world-wide the stoopid ignorant girl shows how totally ignorant and dumb she is. No point telling a blinded besotted son (Mum probably has anyway) , only the girl can change if asked, but stoopid girl instead of self-improvent and co-operation chooses ridicule, what she says is` up yours mother-in law I`ll do as I please in your house, and ridicule   you in public when I like` . A piece of trash who chooses to remain ignorant and totally selfish- no respect for fiancee or his family customs and standards.

Plain Jane says:

10:49am | 01/07/11

It ain’t an abusive email. It just highlights girls behaviour, the girl doesn’t like it when `the mirror `is put up to her face,, yeah she does look like common lay-about trash. The issue belongs to the bad mannered clueless girl not the mum-in-law., The girl is the wannabe in the family but too stoopid to respect their ways in their home.

Muttley says:

11:00am | 01/07/11

Plain Jane, did you even read the story? First of all, she is the STEP mother, not the lads birth mother. Then the points of contention are extremely petty. If she had a problem and had any real class at all she would have spoken to her future DIL. Instead, she starts the marraige off on a diet of vitriol. Stupid, petty woman. Incidentally, if she wants to talk manners, what about the hosts responsibilty to look after their guests? She failed on that one pretty badly. The girl a scum bag? No. Far more likely the MIL is a pretentious society wannabe who has a control issue. Also, she is placing the her husband in the middle of a fight with his son. Poor excuse for a wife.

Direct says:

11:05am | 01/07/11

And that’s precisely what’s wrong with most women these days. Any criticism is deemed as abuse. Instead of taking it on board and improving herself, DIL forwards it onto everyone.

Pretty soft.

Tim says:

11:16am | 01/07/11

Yeah I agree,
she shouldn’t have shared the email with others.
But the MIL still sounds like a twat.

bec says:

11:23am | 01/07/11

Direct, there’s a difference between constructive advice and flat-out unpleasantness. This woman didn’t consider any form of bridge-building it could form, or whether or not her daughter-in-law might have had legitimate dietetic problems that made her a difficult eater (she does - she is a diabetic, which the mother mocked in the full email).

She’s just another boring middle-class drone with pretensions of graciousness. The truly gracious and well-mannered extend their courtesy to *all*, regardless of whether they’ve been wronged or not.

brenda says:

03:39pm | 01/07/11

Plain Jane… more like Plain lame!!

Bev says:

05:48pm | 01/07/11

bec says:11:23am | 01/07/11

Direct, there’s a difference between constructive advice and flat-out unpleasantness.

Much of her email was not unpleasant and I will agree that an email is not the best way to go about it.  I however doubt you could talk to this princess she would do a dummy spit and throw a hissy fit.

or whether or not her daughter-in-law might have had legitimate dietetic problems that made her a difficult eater (she does - she is a diabetic, which the mother mocked in the full email).
She did not mock her she said in as many words that she was playing the “victim” card to draw attention to herself. Obviously your reading of it was quite different to mine. Again I say did her son or this woman advise MIL so she could cater for it. I get the sense niether did.

Bev says:

05:53pm | 01/07/11

Chris L says:09:29am | 01/07/11

A few surreptitious words of manipulation to her son about his future bride
Hopefully we as parents don’t manipulate our grown children we attempt to give them the best advice we can whether they use that advice is up to them. manipulation mostly bring karma.

Cyn says:

10:16am | 01/07/11

You’re clearly making assumptions here about her future DIL!!  Given the nature of the e-mail, it’s not too hard to believe that she has exaggerated slightly!

Fiona says:

10:40am | 01/07/11

Why are you assuming that Heidi is a gold digger? Do you personally know these people? That email wasn’t polite, maybe pointed, but also very passive aggressive. Something most women would see for what is was meant to be, after all, we excell at this sort of thing, unfortunately.

Rebecca says:

10:41am | 01/07/11

From what I can gather, the girls family has just as much money, and the girl herself has a better job. What she doesn’t have is pretension.

Beagle says:

11:09am | 01/07/11

If the family has money, you wouldn’t know it from this comment Carolyn made

“I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.) “

And tell me she isn’t the westie from “go back to where you came from”
http://tinyurl.com/662zfuk

OchreBunyip says:

10:12am | 02/07/11

@Fiona, there is an assumption which I have accepted for sake of this article - that is the e-mail is genuine and has been reported accurately. With that in mind we can apply deductive reasoning to the contents. Personal knowledge is not required as long as we keep to what information has been provided.

If Heidi or her family cannot afford the “wedding in a castle” then who do you think is paying for it? The only other parties to the wedding costs are Freddie and his parents. Consider what a wedding is - the social, legal (and in some cases religious) acknowledgement of the union of a couple, in this case a man and a woman. There is no requirement that a wedding must meet a certain level of expense to be approved, so a wedding that exceeds the couple’s budget is an indulgence. A recent survey was reported as showing the cost of a wedding does not affect the duration of the marriage. The first significant step the couple will make, as a couple, is their wedding and the bride is reported as wanting to exceed good financial judgement. No the castle doesn’t have to be literal, whether or not it is, it seems from Carolyn’s e-mail to be outside of Heidi and Freddie’s means. Not only is Hedi exceeding her own means but also that of her parents and her future husband.

I don’t assume Heidi is a gold digger, there is no evidence her desire for an excessively-expensive (for their budget) wedding is a deliberate grab for cash. I infer from Carolyn’s e-mail that Heidi is attracted to the idea of a lavish wedding, I would have thought she would be attracted to marrying Freddie and an affordable wedding was the decoration for their celebration.

The tone of Carolyn’s e-mail demonstrates no avoidance of responsibility on Carolyn’s part, nor does she conceal meaning. I disagree her tone is passive-aggressive; it is confronting and perhaps more direct than politically but it is a missive of reprimand so that is to be expected.

The Baddddger says:

11:29am | 01/07/11

This post says more about you than it does about anyone.

feeling like this now that you spit your bile?

Shifter says:

11:33am | 01/07/11

I thought she was rather succinct and direct. She had opportunities to snipe and get dirty and stayed away.

High moral ground goes to the MIL on this one.

So, tell us about this demon MIL of your brother who you want to set on fire

Lee says:

11:41am | 01/07/11

My mother is demonic as well.With her we need a young preist and a old preist,No one speak’s to her as well,Sometimes she like’s to look us up on facebook and send us vile,hatefull messeges that way.She’s a real charmer!Ditto to the above,we all feel the same way.

Elphaba says:

12:00pm | 01/07/11

@Badger, do you have to work at being an arsehole, or does it just come naturally?

@Shifter - how long have you got?

In very succinct terms - she didn’t like my brother from the get-go.  Constantly undermined her daughter’s opinions.  Constantly made her feel guilty for ‘abandoning her’ (single parent) to spend time with my brother.  Finally the two of them decided to move away to give their relationship breathing space, she refused to call or visit them.  They anounced they were getting married, she poo-pooed all their ideas for the wedding, and then sulked and scowled at the engagement party.  Poisoned her other daughter against the first, saying that it was ‘just the two of them now’ and they were being deserted.  Called my brother a slew of filthy names, that ended with her telling him to “go to hell”.  Travelled to the wedding and again sulked in the corner and refused to be in any of the photos.  Sent back the Christmas present the following year that my brother and SiL sent to her, and finally, wrote a scathing email saying that she’s never accept the marriage and disowned both of them.

It played out over a couple of year - it was the most exhausting thing I’ve ever witnessed.  Thankfully, they’re free of the witch.

The Badger says:

12:35pm | 01/07/11

“May she die a lonely, death and move onto a hate-filled eternity. “
Lovely stuff
Just off the top of your head was it?
Got anything to say about Asylum seekers that will be as understanding?
Not hard to figure where your political loyalties lie.

What a catch you will be one day

Elphaba says:

12:47pm | 01/07/11

@Badger, I think my brother’s MiL is a bitch so that determines how I feel about asylum seekers?

Whatever paint you’re huffing, you need to put it down now.

Shifter says:

02:40pm | 01/07/11

@Elphie - Sounds like a charming person. I wonder what her through process is to act like that.

It may not be the case but I’m amazed at how often these situations arise from a seemingly insignificant event (of one party affecting the other). It’s like starting a world war by killing an archduke that no-one particularly liked.

HappyCynic says:

02:49pm | 01/07/11

@The Badger

Some people’s parents are b*tches, pure, stone-cold, b*tches.  No amount of justification can change that fact.

At my mum’s funeral I’ll be driving the wooden stake through her heart, while one of my siblings chops her head off and shows it to the crowd (who’ll be expecting proof of death) while “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” is played in the background.

Ah that’s going to be one helluva party

Kevin says:

02:49pm | 01/07/11

Elphaba and Badger, “meeeeoooww”?

Elphaba says:

03:04pm | 01/07/11

@Shifter, weddings bring out the weird in people.  We only learnt much later that her daughter is not the first - she’d successfully driven away her own siblings using similar tactics.

She had a serious victim mentality.  The second something wasn’t going to go her way, she’d start acting like this.  Then she’d deny that ther was anything wrong and pretend that she couldn’t see what she was doing.  It was astounding, I’ve never seen anything like it.

Never underestimate a wedding to bring out a person’s crazy.  Tell you what though, my brother and SiL have got gumption, I’ll give them that.  I would have told everyone to f*ck off and elope, but not them - they had the wedding of their dreams and made sure the MiL attended and was made to watch them get married.  They made sure she knew she’d lost.  Classic.

Shifter says:

04:42pm | 01/07/11

@HappyC - sounds morbid. But AWESOME! Can I come watch?

@LFB - Firstly, yes I am bored and going insane at work, so I’m having fun with people’s screen names. Secondly, I really like the smiley faces on this site. They are aesthetically pleasing. So with that out of the way my best mate’s getting married next year which means there’s a years worth of planning to do. The crazy’s gonna come out when the bride to be and the groom to be’s older sister go at it.

Can’t wait

Elphaba says:

05:01pm | 01/07/11

@Stick Shift, ahh, I see - so there’s already some bad blood brewing.  Excellent.  Remember, in these situations, it’s better to watch than participate - peanut gallery comments will get you a target on your back.  So be like David Attenborough.  Look, but don’t touch!

Shifter says:

06:28pm | 01/07/11

@Mrs Fiyero - indeed there is. To make matters worse they’ve been living under the same roof for the past few months. Tension is high.

Elphaba says:

07:23pm | 01/07/11

@Tectonic Shift, really?  Oh man.  Is there any particular reason why they don’t like each other, or did it start once they announced they were engaged?

bec says:

07:33pm | 01/07/11

Getting married next year and we decided against having any bridal party whatsoever. My oldest BFF in the world is going to come and spend the night with me before and get ready with me and drink and eat fancy antipasti, which I will treat her to. It is already looking good.

Shifter says:

12:35am | 02/07/11

@WWotW -

1. Points if you unravel that.

2. Tectonic Shift… I kinda like that :D

3. The fiance is an old high school sweetheart, both brother and sister went to the same high school as her internationally. Sister was apparently not a fan back then. She’s Dutch. Fast forward and brother and sister are living together, he goes on holiday, hooks up with Dutch girl again and she moves to Australia. Into the same house.

Chaos ensues.

Elphaba says:

09:40am | 02/07/11

@Night Shift

1). Wicked Witch Of The West.  Come on - you’ve gotta get up earlier than that to trap me!

2).  You’re welcome.

3).  Oh great, so this is a school yard feud!  Brilliant.  Sounds like sis was used to having brother all to herself.  Good times.

acotrel says:

09:50am | 03/07/11

@Happy cynic Do you have problems relation to other women besides your mother? Just lie down on the couch and relax!

ibast says:

09:47am | 01/07/11

I don’t think she did.  I think she just pointed out that she can’t presume to spend her future husbands family money on a lavish wedding.  The tradition of the Brides family paying 100% of the wedding cost may have gone by the wayside, but to presume the grooms family will pay for 90% on extravagance is blooding rich.

fairsfair says:

11:03am | 01/07/11

The new vibe is a 50/50 split apparently. My bro’s multi millionaire inlaws hit up my stroke patient disability pension father for 50% of the $80k wedding he threw for his princess. They managed to compromise at just paying for the grog ($11 000) and my parents are still paying off the personal loan.

The vibe should be - you wanna get married, you pay for it yourself. They days of offloading the liability that is your daughter are gone. I’ll certainly be paying 100% for my wedding BBQ

Elphaba says:

12:41pm | 01/07/11

@fairs, I agree.  I’m bridesmaid next year for my friends wedding (eek), but what I was NOT aware of, was that the bridesmaid has to pay for everything related to being a bridesmaid.

Now, I’m probably about to get flamed for this, but I was completely unaware of this tradition until after I accepted (having never done it before).  She assumed I knew.  I’m a little conflicted about it now - I mean, everyone is entitled to their dream wedding, but why does the bride make the bridesmaids pay?

Has it always been like this? 

I would never do this.  If I couldn’t afford the number of bridesmaids I wanted, I’d reduce the number of bridesmaids.  But whatever.  We’ll have to see how much it costs before I actually do it…

fairsfair says:

01:59pm | 01/07/11

That caper sticks in my craw too. You have to pay for a dumpy dress and accessories picked by someone else who’s sole intention is to use you to make themselves look better. That don’t fly with me. I’ll be having one - my sister and I look forward to making her look bad under my own funds

At the Bro’s wedding it was the opposite though. Three expensively clad ladies (supposed to be five, but my sister and I declined to be included and instead read the corinthians at the service all the while cacking ourselves at that scene from Wedding Crashers) who were also given a gift of a diamond necklace. Gag.

Elphaba says:

02:19pm | 01/07/11

@fairs, my family is pretty traditional.  My parents paid for nearly half my brother’s wedding, SiL’s father and stepmother paying for almost half, and the couple paying for a few things (they intended on paying more, but were howled down by their parents, who believes that it’s the traditional for parents to pay).  The bridesmaid (her sister) picked her dress of the rack but the bride paid for it.

I simply had no idea.  And then my friend went into what she’s just paid for a bridesmaid’s dress and it’s $300-400, with alternations, and then there’s hair and shoes and makeup - holy moly.

She’s given me an out if I want it - and whilst of course I want to be her bridesmaid, I’m also on a pretty fixed income for the next 12 months… I’d rather just spend $150-200 on a present and wear a dress I already have.

AdamC says:

02:33pm | 01/07/11

Elphaba, yes, bridesmaids have typically been expected to pay for the kit, etc. I only recently found out, though, that bridesmaids are expected not to be married. (Hence the term ‘maid’, I guess.) Isn’t that bizarre?

I would have thought the parental contribution would depend on the age and means of the couple and the parents. Personally, I would regard a castle wedding as ludicrously extravagent.

Economist says:

03:08pm | 01/07/11

I’m with you FF, we paid for our own wedding, well sought of. Basically we had it on Hamilton Island, asked for no presents, but guests had to pay for their own accommodation and flights. We paid for evening meals the wedding and bar.  The beauty about this approach, is being southerners, only those that wanted to attend the wedding did. We asked about 60 (out of obligation) and only got 25 of our closest friends and immediate family and had a piss up for a week.  It was awesome.

I’d recommend it.

Elphaba says:

03:10pm | 01/07/11

Oh, AdamC, my parents contributed to my brother’s wedding but if he’s wanted a far out extravangance, they would have of course said no way. And I completely agree with you, if you’re rolling in money, then sure, get married wherever you like.  But modest budget = modest wedding.

Personally, re: my friend I think if she can’t afford 4 bridesmaids, she shouldn’t have 4 bridesmaids.  Call me politically incorrect, but that’s how I feel.

This will be the only time I do it though.  I will flat-out refuse any other friends next time.

Fiona says:

04:51pm | 01/07/11

Yes, traditionally, the bridesmaids pay for their own outfit and hair etc. Usually the bride will make a gift of jewellry to go with the outfit and pay for the bouquet. Most bridesmaids are single, eith the matron of honour being the married one traditionally. Those traditionals have been relaxed somewhat though.

Liza says:

04:59pm | 02/07/11

@Elphaba

As a fairly recent Bride I refused to go with the tradition of asking our bridesmaids to pay for anything. (My partner’s response is “We want them to be part of it, we designate what they wear, we pay for it).  We paid for dress, hair, makeup, jewellery and various lunches.  All they paid for was shoes (their choice and on sale) and bags (so about $50 all up).  After the wedding one of my bridesmaid had the gumption to complain that she had spent far too much on my wedding.  Needless to say that I wasn’t particularly happy about her response. 

I don’t think it’s fair to ask people to be part of their day and then expect them to shell out at least $1000 for the privilege.  You don’t have to have bridesmaids at all really.

Elphaba says:

08:05pm | 03/07/11

@Liza, thanks.  My friend and I have spoken about it and I’ve said to her to please get costs to me before I make a final decision.

I think your attitude is right though.  I feel a bit better knowing other people feel the same way.  I thought I was completely out of touch!

$1000!  Gulp!  I’d very happily spend $200.  At a stretch, I’d spend $300.  Any more than that and I’m going to be breaking out in a finance-induced cold sweat.

I love when brides (not my friend) say “I made them pay for the dresses, but we got something they would wear again!”  Bollocks.  As if 99% of girls would wear the dress again…

chrisw says:

12:34pm | 03/07/11

How exactly did Heidi ‘diss’ the Bourne’s, by sleeping in too long? By helping herself to food? (in polite society enough food is provided by the hostess, and seconds offered if any left over) by talking about her diabetes? That is not disrespect, sending viscious emails is disrespect.

fairsfair says:

10:32am | 01/07/11

Agreed. But I also think that a whole lot of parents out there need to let go of the idea of who THEY want their child to marry and remember what it feels like to love someone. You just don’t give an eff about what other people think when you are in love - she ought to trust her son’s judgement, look part her own selfish tendencies and learn to communicate in an appropriate manner.

I think offering a condescenting lecture to your childs partner via an impersonal medium such as email is worse than farting at the dinner table.

Rachel says:

11:10am | 01/07/11

A knowledge of etiquette also does not equal class. A true lady is ladylike both in public and private. Carolyn Bourne therefore, has proven that she has no class. Heidi has not.

James1 says:

12:46pm | 01/07/11

The differing perspectives on manners always fascinates me.  My father-in-law once shouted at me - calling me a pig and a c*** amongst other things - for picking up a chicken wing and not using a fork.  I thought is infinitely worse manners to yell and call people names than to eat a difficult piece of food in the easiest way possible.  He disagreed.

I find it fascinating that people with such a lack of basic manners in the way they treat other people get hung up over the little things like elbows on tables.  While this case is not as extreme as the one I discussed, this woman strikes me as being like my father-in-law.

Katie says:

01:49pm | 01/07/11

Rachel, there is no way that I could possibly agree with you more: A knowledge of etiquette does not equal class.

These days I see class as more of a concept than a social status. It’s got little to do with money and where you see yourself in society. A woman who I know is a direct descendant of the royal family and has a ton of family money. She is also a nasty cow who looks down on everyone she meets and steals other people’s lunches from the work fridge (which she believes no one knows about). My sister is struggling and from a working class background, but she is one of the classiest women I know. She’s not a pushover - she stands up for herself and her family and has a strong sense of right and wrong. She makes everyone who comes into contact with her feel great by being cheerful, friendly and kind regardless of age, social status, sexuality, race etc. When we go shopping together, the salespeople have genuine smiles after dealing with her whether it’s Cheap as Chips or David Jones. That’s real class.

RyaN says:

01:59pm | 01/07/11

@fairsfair, James1 & Rachel: I 100% agree with all you have said, what is clear is that Mrs Burn has not conducted herself with much class when it comes to this letter, unfortunately I believe the situation where she has lost her demeanour has arisen out of this clash in values.

What is probably even clearer is you might find that Mrs Burn more than likely married out of her class and this shows in her reply.

Fiona says:

10:50am | 01/07/11

Haha, Freddie is conspicuously quiet in this affair. It seems to have turned into battle of the parents.
I, personally have 2 MILs and I’ll take the 1st thanks, even though technically she’s only the grandmother to 2 of my kids. The other took the loss of her golden child very badly and has seen her grandchildren only a handful of times. Fortunately I don’t see her any more of her, so don’t miss her venom and complaining. I do feel for my husband though.

The Badger says:

10:53am | 01/07/11

What about my feelings?

I have feelings too you know

Rebecca says:

11:05am | 01/07/11

I wonder why nobody is thinking of ‘poor Freddie’. The two woman are copping it badly in chatrooms worldwide, but I haven’t seen one remark on why the hell ‘poor Freddie’ didn’t give his fiance a heads up on what was expected of her around the in laws. It wouldn’t have been too hard for him to say “Hey, we have to get up early, and they’re really fussy about table manners and BTW don’t mention the diabetes because step-mum is a bit squeamish”. Not to mention saying to old Caro “Heidi has a strict diet because of a medical condition, so is it OK if I explain to your cook what her needs are”, not to mention sending his own hand written thank you note. His parents, his responsibility.

Dieter Moeckel says:

11:07am | 01/07/11

I feel for you fairsfair (glad to know your gender) I had to learn to live with my sister-in-law. She is my brother’s wife, therefore part of the family and YOU WILL GET ON WITH HER was my mother’s edict delivered very, very gently. The capitals are mine. I never knew what my parents thought of her and now that I have my own married children I understand my parents much better.
Neither my son-in-law nor my daughter in-in-law are perfect but I love them all the same. And if I love my children I have no choice.

fairsfair says:

11:18am | 01/07/11

I just don’t get how parents can’t get out of their own way sometimes. It is sad for your husband Fiona, because I think what would hurt the most would be that you parent can’t see past their own issues to just accept their choices. Rediculous! I am quite lucky I think to know that I am not up against that in life, but them being so damned nice has its downsides.

Badge - that was a compliment! Though, you are not the first person to go green at the prospect of joining the fairsfair family I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, you know that is never my intention.

Tim says:

11:20am | 01/07/11

Time for poor Freddie and Heidi to elope.
Then the MIL won’t be able to bitch about the extravagant castle wedding.
BTW, seriously, who gets married in a castle?

TimB says:

02:29pm | 01/07/11

You two are looking at this all wrong.

Badger would not be joining the Fairsfair family. Fairsfair would be joining the Badger family

PS. Badger’s using the same freaky emoticons that Elphaba is. Not cool.

Bev says:

12:57pm | 01/07/11

Jade says:12:21pm | 01/07/11

I’m quite sick of older generations putting down the younger because we are too spoilt/rude etc.
You get upset when your parents or anybody else discipline you. You can do as you like because they know nothing and god forbid they have the right to tell you anything because they are your they have some life experience.

There is no body to blame except the generation that raised us,  yourselves.

Refer to above.

It would seem to me that the social mayhem we see every day shows you are doing a very poor at disciplining yourselves.

.

GB says:

01:49pm | 01/07/11

Typical Y Generation attitude Jade. Nothing is ever your fault is it? Always look for somebody else to blame and always expecting something for nothing in return. See, I can generalise too.

Austin 3:16 says:

09:50am | 02/07/11

Oddly enough I was raised that the household should extend it’s hospitality to our guests and put their needs first.

Not the other way around.

Austin 3:16 says:

09:53am | 02/07/11

Yeah terrible when a diabetic tries to manage their own dietary needs. That is horribly self centered of them.

chrisw says:

12:47pm | 03/07/11

Did you even read the email? The girl slept in too long and helped herself to seconds at meal time and talks about her diabetes, how exactly does that make her a self centred bitch?