What really happened in the caucus room yesterday
Everyone knows the result of the ALP leadership ballot but speculation has been rife as to what really went on inside the caucus room. Now, in yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch can reveal the full transcript of what took place…
JULIA: Well thanks for coming everybody. I trust you all know why you’re here?
TONY: Sussex Street.
PETER: Sussex Street.
MATT: To get me out of Sussex Street.
JULIA: No, I don’t mean in parliament, I mean in this meeting.
KEVIN: I know but I’m not telling.
BILL: That’d be a first.
KEVIN: What’s that supposed to mean?
KEVIN: What was that?
BILL: I said “Mr Speaker”.
KEVIN: But he’s not here.
BILL: Sorry, my mistake.
KEVIN: Damn right.
BILL: Hey, how about that cartoon in the Australian the other day.
KEVIN: Which one was that?
BILL: You know, the one by Bill Leak.
KEVIN: Are you trying to suggest something?
BILL: Not at all. Hey, do you like vegetables?
KEVIN: Sure, why?
KEVIN: Of course.
KEVIN: That’s it. I’m telling Chris Mitchell you said that.
VOICE FROM THE BACK: Ooooo-eeeee-ach, neee manfaery-wishes. Moch-twain-can-falurdle.
KEVIN: Doug? Is that you?
KEVIN: We need a new game plan.
DOUG: Aye. Da wee bairns ain nee be voting na mair.
DOUG: Maen fain thar barnekin tae argie.
KEVIN: Er, come again?
STEPHEN: For God’s sake Bill, can we just get this over with.
DOUG: Ach wee nuclear crying bairn.
STEPHEN: Shut up.
BILL: Alright, let’s put this to a vote.
KEVIN: Put what to a vote?
STEPHEN: Your leadership challenge.
KEVIN: Ah yes, about that…
KEVIN: I was wondering if I might just take that back if it’s all the same to you.
STEPHEN: You can’t do that!
KEVIN: Why not?
STEPHEN: It’s against the constitution.
KEVIN: Which part?
STEPHEN: The part where it says “no takes backsies”.
KEVIN: Fine. Well in that case I’m gonna take you two down.
BILL: You and whose army?
KEVIN: Me and Kim Carr’s army.
KEVIN: He’s that guy from North Korea right?
BILL: No, he’s the guy from Melbourne University.
KEVIN: The communist?
KEVIN: Who wears all grey clothes?
KEVIN: And speaks in an impenetrable foreign language?
BILL: That’s Melbourne alright.
KEVIN: Okay. So now what?
BILL: So now we keep Gillard as leader, the polls continue to plummet, I replace her just before the election, we lose a truckload of seats and then I get to be Opposition Leader for two unwinnable elections until I get burnt out and rolled by Combet as soon as we’re half a chance of getting over the line…
MARK: Screw this, I quit.
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