Tragically, death remains the nation’s number one killer
I noticed something very strange the other day.
Waiting for a bus in the city, I suddenly realised I was surrounded by old people. Dozens of them, in fact – all smiling, chatting and reading papers.
As any normal person would, I freaked out, punched a random person in the face and helped a bunch of people in cargo pants flip a car.
I thought old people were a myth created by parents to scare misbehaving children, yet here they were, surrounding me.
Where were the police leaping out of cars and drawing pistols? Where were the paramedics sprinting at these ageing signs of the Apocalypse with gloves and syringes?
Nobody else seemed too bothered that these strangely happy people had lived beyond 65 by way of some sort of regenerative Romero-esque virus.
Modern science and breakfast show hosts, you see, are very clear about this: It is physically impossible for a person born before the early 90s to live past their retirement party.
Their health has been irreparably damaged by decades of breathing unfiltered oxygen, eating white bread, drinking coffee, and both enjoying and avoiding chocolate.
As Easter approaches, it’s important to remember that eating moderately and exercising frequently don’t work. A sensible diet is the craziest of all.
That’s what killed people in the Old Days. It’s 2011 - we work smarter, not harder. If you’re worried chocolate has too much fat, eat more chocolate, say it’s for the calcium and watch as the whole thing cancels out.
It’s an established fact that anyone born prior to 1960 who didn’t drink a minimum of one bottle of whisky per day pretty much doomed themselves.
Similarly, anyone born between 1980 and 1995 who drank any alcohol at all have destroyed their liver, while people born post-Biggie Smalls must drink at least one alcoholic drink each night to get the recommended dose of antioxidants and foot-relaxant.
Also, everyone knows that milk chocolate can cause cancer and dark chocolate can prevent it, but did you know you can actually use cancer to make both?
And finally, it’s important to note that fish-oil will make you healthier, but baked fish will give you mercury poisoning.
Confused? Well that’s only because you’ve been shovelling spoonfuls of sugar into your ignorant cake-hole when you should’ve been filling it with delicious, sodium-filled butter.
It’s really quite simple. Every time somebody tells you that something is bad for you, you ask them to provide you with a safer alternative and then spend hundreds of dollars on it.
Don’t, however, be a sucker. Be sure to ask whether you can pay in instalments and whether you’ll receive a complimentary shoelace-tip cleaner if you’re one of the first 500 people to transfer money. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Take my family, for instance.
I’ve already written my parents off. Both of them have admitted to eating liquorice in 1973. They had a good run. I, however, have already prepared my Easter diet. It involves this: For every chocolate rabbit I eat, I’m going to eat a real one coated in egg-white and ginger ale.
You can find out more for only $9.99 a month for 28 months. The first 200 callers get a free tonne of pure chocolate.
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