The thimple tholution to drunkths in our pubths
Jam the brakes on the knee-jerk reaction. Call an early bedtime for the Nanny State’s nannies. And for pity’s sake tell Big Brother to take a step back and realise that the little brothers and sisters have grown up and deserve a scintilla of freedom.
There is a solution to the societal problem of “alcohol-fuelled violence”. Actually, there are almost certainly a great many solutions, but one of them is NOT to curtail the rights of publicans, late-night revellers and society in general by stomping on everyone’s heads with bans, restrictions and the continued erosion of adults’ rights to enjoy the freedom to make some decisions of how to conduct their own lives.
But don’t despair, oh government masters of ours. Giving people a little room to enjoy the freedom of being a grown-up doesn’t have to be a complete killjoy for you. You can embrace that concept while still taking steps to solve the pub violence issue and - as a added bonus - do so by doing one of the things that governments love to do most… categorise people!
My plan - straightforward and uncomplicated in its attempt not to punish the vast majority who have done no wrong - is this: All those wishing to enjoy our wonderful pubs and clubs after a certain hour, call it 10pm, must submit to a personality/psychological evaluation. Like what the Scientologists do only without the alien mumbo-jumbo.
People would be classified into one of the three categories that my years of experience have established - either Happy, Sleepy or Angry drunks.
Happy and Sleepy drunks will not have to worry about their nights out being cut short. Angry drunks will face an arbitrary curfew - home or demonstrably sober by, say, midnight.
People will have to pay for the analysis and classification but, in the great scheme of things, it will cost no more than one enjoyable night out on the turps.
Those classified as angry drunks would be able to resubmit to classification but would, of course, have to ante up for each attempt. Think of the great new revenue stream for our cash-strapped Treasury!
It might even be a great scientific advantage for us. Think of all that the psychologists and other mental health professionals may learn from conducting the interviews. That knowledge might even help the government to salvage some form of actual service from the repeatedly savaged mental health budget.
The benefits of this plan even extend to socialising once you are out on the town. Imagine the new lines of conversation it would open up as you notice what category your fellow revellers fit into. (You’ll know because everyone will need to wear some identifying marker to make this work, I’m thinking little badges with Happy, Sleepy or Grumpy from the seven dwarfs on them).
“Oh, you’re a sleepy drunk. My best mate’s a sleepy drunk. He’s the life of the party for about an hour and a half then, Boom! He’s out for the count! Nice drunk though, never bothers anyone.’‘
It may even provide added incentive for Angry drunks to mend their ways as they notice - once the different drinker categories are properly identified - that the Happy and Sleepy drunks tend to congregate together and leave the Angries on the outer.
But most importantly, it would allow the vast majority who do no wrong to continue to live inoffensive lives as they choose without having to be punished for the actions of a tiny minority.
I am a sleepy drunk. Not only would I not be inclined to hit you no matter how many drinks I’ve had, I would most likely not be capable as I’m probably sitting quietly in the corner somewhere looking like I’m watching the party cranking on but actually I’m one deep breath short of outright snoring.
My beautiful wife, on the other hand, is a happy drunk. She may dance you into the ground but she’d never even dream of going the biff. So it is with so many others who would otherwise have their evenings cut short by a blanket ban on late-night nightclub revelry.
As a sleepy drunk I can’t imagine how people manage to kick on until 3, 4 or 5am but as someone passionately opposed to the expansion of the Nanny State and Big Brother’s savage intrusions into every aspect of our lives, I will defend to the utmost the right of peaceful people who’ve done no wrong to retain the right to do so.
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