Speaking of airlines: Up, up and away
Next year, airlines plan to charge passengers to breathe.
It will be 36c for a short, sharp breath – the type taken by those who fear flying – and 54c per deep inhalation, for those who excise that fear through meditation.
All that oxygen pumped into the cabin costs money. And the less you breathe, the less it costs cash-strapped airlines – many of which are on the brink of bankruptcy.
If you run out of money, a mask will drop from above your head and slowly suffocate you.
There will be ‘collateral damage’.
And makeshift morgues will take the place of refrigeration compartments in the galleys.
But it’s a small price to pay for the right of every man, woman and child to fly to the Gold Coast for $39 plus tax.
Ryanair is leading the way with plans to charge passengers to go to the toilet: $1.50 for a Number One and, appropriately, $2 for a Number Two.
In the fine print on the back of each ticket, clients will be advised to “Please refrain from drinking water or eating dried apricots for eight hours prior to departure”.
Some passengers may be rushed to hospital suffering dehydration upon arrival at their destination.
But this can be ameliorated through the Ablution Stoppage Scheme, known as ASS.
Under the scheme, regular fliers are given discounts on catheters or, for long haul flights, colostomy bags.
Samsonite is designing a colostomy bag to match its ‘Got To Go’ range of luxury leather luggage.
In the US, Spirit Airlines has taken incidental charging to new heights, putting a $45 fee on every piece of cabin baggage.
It’s aimed at those who buy the cheap ‘carry-on baggage only’ tickets, then stuff the entire contents of their wardrobe into the overhead lockers.
Thankfully, new mothers will now be able to carry nappy bags free-of-charge after several unsavoury incidents involving newborns.
In an act of unprecedented compassion, passengers will be exempt from paying the new Breathing Air Space Tax on All Routes Designated (commonly referred to as the BASTARD tax) if they suffer from emphysema or anxiety attacks.
Aviophobics will not be exempt.
“Look, to be frank with you, we don’t want those basket cases flying with us anyway,” the CEO of Aeroflop, Mike Moneybucket, said.
“It’s annoying for our frequent fliers, who are the real cash cows here.”
The tax has been made possible by the advent of a breathometer, similar to a pedometer for walking.
Fitting comfortably over your nose, the device measures the length and depth of each breath you take.
The total is tallied at the end of the food and beverage service.
“Our next step will be fitting each passenger with a heart monitor,” Mr. Moneybucket said.
“Our accounts department estimates the proposed cost to be 24c per palpitation,” he beamed.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight!*
This entire story may or may not be true*
Don’t miss: Get The Punch in your inbox every day
Get The Punch on Facebook
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
@nigelmcbain I don't see the nexus between gay marriage and gay sex education in schools. ACL does. Health issues should be taught whatever
@jennijenni a few companies are known to do that - ask for story ideas from job applicants so they can steal them later
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…