Scrambling Humpty Dumpty, and other travesties
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Helped to make Humpty feel better again.
Isn’t that nice.
Apparently that’s the new ending from the BBC. The old version was a bit too negative.
And there’s no point trying to make the point that falling off the wall might hurt. That if you fall from a wall there could be consequences. No kid needs to learn that lesson. So let’s clean up all the Nursery Rhymes!
It’s raining, it’s pouring,
The old man is snoring,
He bumped his head as he went to bed,
And couldn’t get up in the morning.
Possibly because he’s got a cerebral haemhorrage! Perhaps he couldn’t get up cos he’s now dead! So quick, we better change that one.
He wet his head as he went to bed,
And woke up with a cold in the morning.
No. Maybe not. We don’t want to scare the kids with snotty noses and a possible case of swine flu.
And had messy hair in the morning.
There. That’s better.
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Not too much to worry about there. Unless you’re a midget and you’ve been racing people at the Spring Carnival. A bit too heavy on the little.
Mary had a short statured lamb, short statured lamb, short statured lamb.
Let’s hope it was slaughtered humanely in the end.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for the Master, one for the Dame.
One for the Little boy who lives down the lane.
Stinks of racism this one. A black sheep! Even a black-face sheep is no good. And ‘yes sir, yes sir’ and ‘master’. That’s a clear slavery reference. Another little boy, and Dame doesn’t even rhyme with lane. We better get to work on this one.
Baa baa sheep sheep, have you any wool.
If you shear me, three bags full.
All for the farmer, so he can buy some hay,
The short statured boy can have a jumper if he wants to pay.
There. No racist references and a straightforward lesson in simple economics.
Rock a bye baby - just a scary example of bad parenting.
Old Mother Hubbard - that’s animal cruelty.
Wee Willy Winky - let’s not get started on that one.
We could go on and on, and we haven’t even started on Fairy Tales.
Sleeping Beauty is a great story, apart from the Prince kissing her when she was sleeping. That’s an unwanted sexual advance.
Why was she sleeping in the first place? Rohypnol perhaps? Hansel and Gretel pushing an old woman into her own oven! Change it. The wolf actually ate Little Red Riding Hood’s Granny. Change it.
Changing the ending of Humpty Dumpty is just opening a Pandora’s box of ridiculousness.
Myself personally, I liked the ending I heard in the schoolyard in about grade 5 or 6.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men said ‘F**k him, he’s just an egg.
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