My sister enrolled her son in primary school this week, and wrote ‘No’ on the enrolment form next to ‘Scripture’, boldly letting her share of the $165 million tax dollars used to fund the National School Chaplaincy Program gurgle godlessly down the plug’ole. Atheists are so wacky.
As nobody had volunteered to run non-religious ethics classes at this particular school, my sister was advised to perhaps just sign her son up for the general scripture classes, because “the little ones get upset when they’re pulled out of class”.
As opposed, of course, to how they feel when they’re being taught about eternal damnation, and the implication that Mummy and Daddy will spend it sipping sulphur in Hell’s hottest nite spot (which isn’t actually Minsky’s, very surprisingly).
My sister still opted out, and the lady at the desk (the lady at the desk in primary school is always known as ‘the lady at the desk’ – it’s law) told her that, as he couldn’t go to ethics class, her son would have nothing to do for that half hour per week.
This situation is, of course, patently ridiculous. There are loads of things for the heathen kiddies to do that are exactly as relevant to a secular school education as learning about sometimes-angry-sometimes-benevolent men who live in the sky. The following are, obviously, the top five.
1. Whittling
Give the darlings a pocket knife and a pile of sticks and watch them go. I guess first we’ll need to relax the whole namby-pamby no-weapons-in-school rule, but if we explain that the knives are for whittling purposes only, and not for putting suddenly into people, then I’m sure it’ll be okay. People who have no religion don’t have all that many reasons to use weapons, anyway. Children who miss the point and whittle crucifixes will fail this subject.
2. Shadow Puppets
Because seriously, have you seen those things? Shadow puppets aren’t just bunny rabbits and barking dogs any more – there are swans and giraffes and everything. Classes will usually be available on sunny days and/or in classrooms with one of those old-school overhead projector things that you draw on with special textas. Do they still have those? Children who make shadows depicting animals boarding an ark two by two will fail this subject.
3. Watching The Moral Fabric Of Society Unravel
This may require a couple of field trips to places where scripture classes aren’t even offered and to places where gay people are getting married, but as a start, the kids can perhaps go outside and find examples of how dramatically different the world is through the eyes of deity-shunning hell-bait. That ant crawling across the playground, for example, is moving all funny and judging you because you don’t say your prayers. But that’s about it.
4. Learning Mad Yo-Yo Skillz
Every time you miss a scripture class, God perfects a wicked Reverse-Walk-The-Dog with a bonus Rock-The-Cradle. It’s pretty awesome.
5. Eating Easter Eggs
Everybody knows that Easter egg chocolate is the best chocolate, and little atheist kiddies can eat it whenever they want without having to be constantly reminded that Jesus died specifically to provide them with confectionery. Children who claim that if you don’t follow a certain religion then you shouldn’t be allowed to eat its lollies will fail this subject. The chocolate of hypocrisy melts at the same temperature as the pious stuff, y’know. But just a little bit faster in Hell.
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