Pregnancy has become a competitive sport

Lexi says:

08:56am | 12/08/09

Ha!  And you haven’t even entered the post-natal competition yet… Who breast feeds, how long they breast feed, who co-sleeps, whose baby sleeps through the night first, has their first teeth earliest, can walk or talk first - and the stakes just get higher from there until you start comparing grandchildren…

Great article BTW There shouldn’t be competition for any of this - only support.  After all, it IS all about love (choosing to have a baby, that it).  Isn’t it?

Cascade Lily says:

09:24am | 12/08/09

I couldn’t agree more with this article. I have several friends who are bitterly disappointed with their ‘birth experience’ and will forever regret the way they ‘resorted’ to drugs or even ‘underwent’ an emergency c/s. I’ve also had a midwife tell me after 10 hours of intense, induced ‘pre-labour’ that I was ‘focusing too much on the pain’. No shit sherlock. I was just happy that both my babies made it out alive, healthy and ready for life. Sure, natural is best, but it’s not always possible. I would rather have an ‘assisted’ birth and have a healthy mother and baby than risk the possibility of maternal or infant death or disability! I choose to bow out of the competition, thanks very much for a great article!

Ellen says:

09:46am | 12/08/09

I agree - thanks. I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this. Pregnancy and birth are horrible enough without someone telling you that you should be “empowered” by them. Next time I’m pregnant I’m going to deny it the whole way through and say I have a benign growth in my stomach, just to avoid the judgement and criticism.

Melissa says:

09:54am | 12/08/09

And lets not forget the pos-natal weight competiton - how quickly did you lose your baby weight? are you into your pre preganacy jeans? what not yet? If you had stuck with breastfeeding you would be looking timmer by now…

Suze says:

10:04am | 12/08/09

It’s a sad indictment upon us that during the most miraclulous, frightening, amazing, terrifying times of our lives as women, the most unsupportive, selfish and agenda-driven people are those very people we thought we could rely upon the most - other women.

Arnie says:

10:15am | 12/08/09

Ellen—It’s nawt a toomah!

Bitten says:

10:31am | 12/08/09

I have never been pregnant and I plan never to become pregnant. I work in obstetric diagnostics and the behaviour of the current generation of parents is exactly like this article outlines: women are competitive, trying to glamourize the process of gestation, wanting DVDs and still photos of their foetus. Not wanting to hear about their Down Syndrome risk, or the risk of congenital cardiac defects. No, forget the medical reason for obstetric scanning, they just want a cute photo to show off. Asking these women to prepare for a scan by drinking and holding 500ml of water - the whinging, the whining! What, I wonder, do they imagine child-birth will be like? Do they think everything will go like clockwork and there will be no discomfort, just multiple orgasms between watching episodes of Desperate Housewives and choosing their ‘pushing present’ from their soulmate/investment banker husband? Then there’s the experience of my friend working in IVF, whose most recent abusive experience from a patient (most recent because actually, people attempting to become pregnant are abusive all the time, we all cop it in the industry it just varies in the form of the abuse) included having the photo of his own children snatched of his desk and torn up because the patient’s wife’s latest cycle of IVF failed. Well, of course, that’s the obstetrician’s fault, isn’t it? And such a mature response from an individual who’s now decided in his early 40s that parenthood might be a good idea. Is it not terrifying to others to think that this current self-centered bizarre generation of parents will soon be responsible for the lives of innocents? I don’t know, many think as I have no children, I have no right to an opinion. It scares me though. How will these self-centered egotistical individuals react to their children’s failing and vagaries?

Lexi says:

10:55am | 12/08/09

@Bitten - as my husband works in the same industry as you, I understand your frustration (I know copping abuse is unfortunately part of your daily work), but a few rotten apples don’t spoil the whole barrel as they say. Some people plan ahead, work hard and appreciate the help and support from professionals along the way.

Regardless of whether you have kids or not, you’re still entitled to your opinion - and your experiences are real.  Just remember the few who do say “thank you”, the odd boxes of choccies, the ones who tell you they chose your workplace because friends had recommended it. And keep at it.  You are appreciated

OM says:

11:05am | 12/08/09

How about chopping out that ‘industry’ and get back to real life where people had babies if they could, accepted it if they couldn’t..hard as that often was.The expectations and pressure are just too great for some to handle and the enormous burden it puts on kids is more than they can healthily handle.How come no-one every talks about the babies and kids and the people they might grow into with all this at the beginning? We’ve seen the results, the helicopter parents,the out of control kids, the nightmares for schools and others who have to deal with them.Lets get real!

Jame says:

11:10am | 12/08/09

Well written article Christopher but just a couple of points which I will qualify by saying like your self I am a bloke and so have limited credibility on these matters by virtue that I will never have to endure a labour - however ... “Natural does equal better” in terms of better for baby, better for mother.  That is not to say that other scenarios don’t end up with good results as well or that medical intervention starting at pain releif doesn’t have it’s place and ultimately I think it comes down to choice but you can not argue that completely natural in an ideal world is best, the most simple and therefore the less prone to other complications.  By the same token a drug free birth does beat a drug assisted birth in terms of avoiding further intervention and further complications.  Epiurals can be dangerous and are a risk that if it can be avoided surely should be.  With that said if I was having a baby ... it would certainly be my drug of choice. But you can not argue that it is ‘ideal’ in terms of less complications and risk to not have one.  The sheep comparrison is a ridiculious one I agree.  Congratulations on your baby.

Kik says:

11:13am | 12/08/09

Well said! Amazing, isn’t it, how we can be so petty - why are people so insecure or unhappy about themselves that they have to put down others…

vanessa says:

11:30am | 12/08/09

well I’m an elective caesar girl, so I was automatically sent to the bottom of the competitive sport ladder…the baby nazis are a huge part of having a baby now. I think I must have missed the girl gene somewhere along the way. My niece was born before my son and she gave me a very early warning of what lay ahead. She was nearly 11 pounds. My son was two weeks early and he was 9 pounds. My most recent nephew was over 11 pounds. If anyone wants to give birth to children that big without drugs at the very least, be my guest.

Ange says:

12:42pm | 12/08/09

It is a sad state of affairs when child birth becomes a competition. I didn’t have a lot of this when I had my daughter, I look young for my age so I was already used to the filthy stares and the “you’re too young to have a baby” comments. So I opted out. Every mothers priority should be the health of her baby, whether the baby is born naturally, drug free or by ceasar.

But then after the birth you have the pressure of “when are you having another?” and childcare or no childcare. Everyone is so opinionated I don’t understand why people can’t just carry on with their OWN ilves and stop pushing their self righteous views on others.

Stella says:

12:48pm | 12/08/09

Jame - a few questions. How exactly does natural equal better? In parts of the world where “natural” childbirth is the only option, birth is terrifying. Mothers and babies die. Mothers and babies suffer permanent injury and disability. Giving birth is the time of a young woman’s life when she is statistically most likely to die. It’s very convenient to forget that when you’re trying to make people feel bad because they needed medical intervention.
Who are you to tell me that an epidural is dangerous? Who are you to tell me that my birth was less than ideal? Who are you to say that it was complicated because of my choices, and not just because birth is complicated?
You are exactly the reason why this column was written in the first place.

Jay says:

12:49pm | 12/08/09

I am very recently pregnant and this article scared the bejeesus out of me! I’m just not the competitive type. I think I need to hide out for the next 9 months and refuse to talk to anyone.

CH says:

01:03pm | 12/08/09

@Bitten and @Lexi, I’ve made a mental note - should I become pregnant - to be kind to my Ob/Gyn and associates and offer up a box of choccies every now and then. And, maybe, to ask for all the drugs I can get my hands on, just to annoy all the competitive yummy mummies.

(Kidding.)

PL says:

01:12pm | 12/08/09

Jay says: “I think I need to hide out for the next 9 months and refuse to talk to anyone.”
You’ll probably feel like doing that anyway, Jay. Good luck with it, hope everything goes well for you. Some people will always play their competitive games but you can always refuse to play, above all don’t let it get you down.

formersnag says:

01:32pm | 12/08/09

Jay @ 11:49, don’t be silly, women have been traumatising each other, with old wives tales and gossip, for millennia. This article and comments is no different.

Women have been making babes since we were monkeys. Some women have bad experiences, some don’t.

You may have heard of the placebo effect? Where a sick person gets better, without the active ingredient in the drug trial. Well, it works in reverse too, if people scare you with stories, then the worry and stress will cause anything, that you are going through, to seem worse. Listen to the negative stories and you will, have, a terrible pregnancy and child birth experience.

Listen to the positive ones, and your experience will be better, more positive, attitude is everything!!!

Jamie says:

01:38pm | 12/08/09

Stella, re read my comments and get off your high horse.  Natural = better for the same reason as anti biotics beat amputation.  Natural = Better because as the term suggests it’s natural.  You can not argue that it is better to hold your baby immediately after birth rather than be stitched up.  You can not argue that it is better to walk around within an hour or two of birth instead of being paralyzed by an epidural. You can not argue that epidurals inhibit a woman from pushing which ‘could’ lead to further intervention and further complications.  That is not to say that births with intervention are not joyous amazing and successful and never did I say or imply that - they most certainly are … but a woman with a 4th degree tear as a result of an episiotomy which was as a result of not knowing when to push which was as a result of the epidural (this doesn’t happen in every case of course but is a fairly reasonable proposition) is not ‘ideal’ is it? 

Who am I to tell you that an epidural is dangerous?  The same person who can tell you that driving without a seat belt is dangerous.  There is an inherent risk in having a needle stuck in your spine.  Surely you can not disagree with me on that?

Note to Jay:  Don’t panic and don’t buy into all the fear mongering … you’ll be fine.  Make sure you’re educated and if you are then whether you choose an elective c-section or go a la natural – it will be the right decision and don’t bother yourself with anyone elses opinion.

Mr Subramanian says:

01:55pm | 12/08/09

Re: natural birth, looks like the breast feeding nazis have chosen a new cause, then. My wife went with the nitrous oxide for our second two and found it a big help; with our first, she had to get prepped for a possible emergency caesar and had to get an epidural late in the piece, which was Not Much Fun at all.

We went with timed feeding, and our kids had dropped their 2am feed (ie. sleeping through from 8pm to 6am) at 6 weeks, 8 weeks and 10 weeks… we don’t bandy that about with new parents, though, exactly because It’s Not A Competition ~ those parents who are STILL getting up in the middle of the night for bubs at 6 months do NOT need a(nother) reminder that geez, they’re doing it Super Freaking Hard.

Stella says:

02:04pm | 12/08/09

Jamie, you still didn’t address what I was getting at. Why is natural better? You would find it impossible to argue that natural birth isn’t dangerous. That’s because it kills hundreds of women and babies around the world every day.
And I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that men should probably stay the hell out of the epidural argument. Pain relief in labour is a fundamental matter of human dignity and scaremongering about its dangers doesn’t help anyone.

Jamie says:

02:52pm | 12/08/09

Stella, I think I did when I said “Natural = better for the same reason as anti biotics beat amputation.  Natural = Better because as the term suggests it’s natural.” 

I can not argue nor did I ever argue that natural birth isn’t dangerous.  Of course it has an inherent risk. I’ll go one step further Stella and say it is obvious that medial intervention has it’s place as it has markedly reduced infant and maternal mortality over the course of the last 100 years.  So 3 cheers for doctors who know what their doing.  However Stella I will reiterate that a scenario where by a woman (by her choice) delivers a baby naturally and that baby receives all the benefits of a natural birth i.e. a clearing of the airways by being squeezed through the birth canal, it’s full quota of blood from the placenta and umbilical chord and immediate skin to skin contact with it’s mother (to name but 3 benefits) is more IDEAL than not having those things. Do you get what I mean Stella?  With that said if a woman decides that she would prefer a painless birth then power to her but don’t try and tell me its not a departure from what is naturally supposed to happen which is obviously the best way to go IDEALLY.

An annalogy: our body’s are supposed to have tonsils ... it is ideal if we have them as they are one of our first lines of defence from infection.  Occasionally the pain of tonsilitis becomes too much and some people elect to have those tonsils removed (I being one of them) however it is not ideal to have them gone ... but for me ultimately the right decision.

Finnaly re: Epidural arguement and the discussion by men.  Your beinig intellectually dishonest ... I never said you couldn’t have it ... I never said it’s bad ... I said it carries an inherent risk and that having a needle in your spine is dangerous.  Ask any Anethitist and they will agree.  As for the men not being allowed to have an opinion on things relating to birth ... including pain relief - what a crock.  Are you allowed to have an opinion on the incidence and treatment of prostate cancer? Spare me.  If I was going to go out on a limb I would say I know more about pregnancy, labour and birth than you do.

Johnno says:

02:57pm | 12/08/09

Hehehehe, I am very amused at how quickly these comments have degraded into people thinking it’s For Realz OMG.

My wife is pregnant with our first kid, and I just can’t get over how seriously people take themselves, and the whole pregnancy and birth thing. That, and the way that (like Christopher says in the article), EVERYONE has advice to give.

Alice says:

03:02pm | 12/08/09

How many people have ever opted for “natural” dentistry?  None - because painkillers and advanced extraction techniques (like medically assisted childbirth) is one of the benefits of living in a first world developed country.  To all the mums out there - just smile at the crazy competitive comments and forget about them, focus on doing the best you can, and enjoying the whole fascinating process.

Jamie says:

03:15pm | 12/08/09

“How many people have ever opted for “natural” dentistry?” ... what a profoundly stupid comparrison.

laura says:

03:37pm | 12/08/09

“a number of fast-changing rules that change”....and who comes up with these rules, I wonder?  The heathcare system?  Obstetricians?  Nicola Roxon?  The media?  no of course not, it’s other women.  Blame women - it’s easy and fun!

Lucy says:

03:49pm | 12/08/09

I have had two babies - both born naturally by choice. Would I opt for natural dentistry? HARDLY- that would be plain stupid with no benefit to myself or my “extracted” tooth. Alice i am presuming you have no babies to make such a ridiculous comment! You mention living in a first world developed country but unforunately for Austrailan women we have one of the most backward maternity systems in the “first world”
All I can say to all the preganant women reading this is listen to all the opinions you care about and disregard the ones you dont.
Educate youself well which will allow you to make informed decisions in whichever birthing choices you make.

Alison says:

04:17pm | 12/08/09

Jay - is natural dentristy better too? Surely it would be better if after a filling, you could feel your mouth fully and not spill water on your shirt? I presume as a proponent of this “natural is better” hypothesis, you refuse pain medication of any sort? Take a panadol when you’ve got a headache? Then butt out of a woman’s decision about whether or not to use everything medical science gives us when facing the most painful, dangerous and traumatic event many of our lives will include.

And Lucy - yes, I’ve had two children, both vaginal births, one with an epidural and one without. The scare-mongering that goes on around these issues is what contributes to this competitive bullshit.

Lee says:

04:22pm | 12/08/09

I begged my doctor for pain relief when having my first. He refused. “Childbirth is natural”, he said. I sucked the sh*t out of the the gas on my next two. High as a kite, I didn’t have any problems…

Jamie says:

04:30pm | 12/08/09

Alison ... Your arguement is silly.  But perhaps your view on the birth of your two whildren as being “the most painful, dangerous and traumatic event” of your life may have led you to belive that there is a corelation between birth and dental surgery.  Also where the hell is there any competition or fear mongering in anyrthing I have said ... fear mongering I think could be saying things like “the most painful, dangerous and traumatic event of our lives” ... it’s a wonder we’re all here isn’t it really?  And where have I cast any dispersions on “your decisions” ... never.  Perhaps if you read my statements before you reply then we might get some where.

Lucy says:

04:56pm | 12/08/09

Alison - I Believe Jay?Jamie? was commenting on the ridiculous comment written above his.
No woman should be worried about scare mongering in preganancy and birth….all the information on all the options for pregnancy and birth are out there if you want to go in informed rather than leaving these experiences in someone elses hands.
I look back on my pregnancies and birth with pleasure. I didnt find it to be traumatic, dangerous or painful. If this makes me competive then its a shame!
I went in with open eyes, was very pleased with the outcome and I believe educating yourself is the best way to achieve this.

Dick says:

05:01pm | 12/08/09

Jamie, take a chill pill.

Oh wait, pills aren’t “natural”. Nevermind.

http://dullsvillain.wordpress.com

Stella says:

05:13pm | 12/08/09

Umm, Jamie? Antibiotics aren’t natural. If your argument that natural was better was logical, you’d be arguing that the amputation of a limb or the death of a child from tonsilitis would be better than giving antibiotics, because the death is natural and the antibiotics are not.
In the days when all childbirth was natural, there were no antibiotics and everyone lived in an ideal (to use your word) natural way, the average lifespan was 35.
You might know more about childbirth than I do. I do think, having experienced it, I’m probably more of an expert on the pain. However, it is your flawed logic and not your difference of opinion which I object to.

Sam says:

05:33pm | 12/08/09

Stella, I’m afraid I’m with Jamie. His position is simple: If you can have natural, then that’s ideal. Doesn’t work for everyone, but does for a lot. Let’s not be judgemental of women who try for the natural, eh?

Supermother says:

05:41pm | 12/08/09

Oh give it a rest Jamie. You think you’re very clever but natural birth and what i suppose you would call an unnatural birth end up with the same result. A baby. And that’s what it’s all about. If some people prefer to have drugs then that’s up to them and mind your own business. You went on about holding a baby straight away instead of being stitched up. Hello dearie, I held mine and was stitched at the same time. We can tell you’re a bloke as you are advocating for birth (known to be one of the most painful experiences to go through) with no relief for the woman experiencing it. Go and have your leg cut off with no drugs and then we can have a little chat about what is the best and what it was like for you. As a mother of 4 who has experienced epidural with 1 baby, gas & air with 2 and nothing at all with the other one, I know what I’m talking about. Do you? No of course not, you’ve never been there, done that and you have no valid opinion to express on a topic you know nothing about, although you like to think you should be heard. Well talk on sweetie, it’ll all be the same uneducated guff as before. It’s natural for women to squat behind a tree when giving birth, maybe we can arrange for a few in your garden? I’m sure you’d enjoy something as wholesome and natural as that.

Hopium says:

06:58pm | 12/08/09

It’s a big issue. I haven’t had kids but I can relate what my mother told me.

I’m the eldest of 3.

I took 3 days of labour. 3 DAYS!!! I was natural. No issue at birth. I was born deaf but apart from that healthy. The pain was severe as Mum’s hips don’t rotate properly.

My brother was 3.5 Days. She had an Epi. Thank goodness.  He was a sick baby but that had nothing to do with the epi.

My sister was 4 days! Again, an epi. Born with the cord wrapped round her throat. That was just sheer bad luck.

So after mum’s experiences, I’m all for the drugs.

In the end, why should I be pressured otherwise?

Lexi says:

08:16pm | 12/08/09

Meh.  @Jamie says if he can’t tell women what’s best about giving birth (naturally) then women shouldn’t have an opinion about prostate problems… I suggest when he has problems with his prostate, he just leaves it to nature.  That, I’m sure, would be for “the best”.

Lucy says:

08:42pm | 12/08/09

Sam Im with you and Jamie! I have watched and read all day -Jamie stated it was a womens right to choose…......(SO correct)
Why is it that the woman who choose to have a baby naturally and are proud of their results have to be quiet so not to offend the woman who has chosen to take drugs yet the woman who use pain relief get to rag those woman out!......Does it make them feel better about thier own birth experience…....????
No one is ällowed” to comment that an epidural isnt great or pethidene makes for flat babies….............but gee look at the response to natural being the better option!
Supermother -Giving birth is not comparable to breaking your leg….....its something our bodies know how to do.
If a woman prefers drugs to get her through labour then good on her.
Give it a rest! Make an informed decision women!

iansand says:

08:46pm | 12/08/09

My relationship with the natural birth industry was irretrievably ruptured when I was asked by the “facilitator” (I know, I know - anything being “facilitated” is prima facie bogus)  what I thought a recording of a woman in labour sounded like.  Apparently “whale song” was not the right answer.

Disclaimer:  I am a bloke.  The mother of my child had an epidural.

Lucy says:

08:53pm | 12/08/09

Lexi - how ridiculous!
Why is natural birth so scary…...........??
Women and their partners who choose natural bith have probably done so from an informed place.
It doesnt mean the cant use ny drugs in any area of their lives!
Your grument is pthetic and floored.

Lexi says:

08:56am | 13/08/09

Lucy, I could say the same about your spelling. Although I’d say “pAthethic and floored”...

I’m against anyone criticising a woman for how she chooses to give birth.  This article was saying it’s not a competition.  I agree with that.  You or anyone else is not a “better” mother for having a drug free vaginal birth.  We have these interventions because women and babies can and do die or are seriously injured SOMETIMES in childbirth.  If you’re happy with the outcome of your child’s birth, fabulous.  But please don’t criticise (or imply criticism of) other people for their fear, or their use of drugs or other interventions.  You can be proud of your achievement while realising that no matter how any other woman gives birth, she ultimately has the same achievement (hopefully): a healthy baby.

THIS is the irony of this blog - it was meant to just celebrate parenthood and strip bare pregnancy so there’s no need for comparison.  Instead, it’s become a platform for the self righteous and insecure.

supermother says:

04:37pm | 13/08/09

Lucy, perhaps you should read the posted items correctly, I said amputation without pain relief. Sure our bodies know what to do, but having painkillers doesn’t stop the birth…....There are a few high horses in here, get off them and be thankful for the freedom of choice. In the end the mother’s choice as to whether or not to receive pain relief is her decision and hers alone. No one has the right to make comments about a womans choice in regards to giving birth.

Stella says:

05:02pm | 13/08/09

Nobody here criticised birth without intervention or anyone who chooses it, Sam. The problem is the assumption that women who wanted or needed intervention somehow gave birth in an inferior way.
This argument is happening because women feel ashamed to have used drugs or had a C-section. Their shame is the result of a cultural construction which privileges one way of giving birth over another. This narrow focus on the physical act of birth comes at the expense of recognising all the other things which go into being a mother. It is a culture where people ask “did you have the epidural” before they even ask to hold your baby. It is pointless, divisive and hurtful.

Katey says:

09:44pm | 27/08/09

Epidurals leading to mothers not bonding with their babies?

What utter, utter hogwash.
We have an amazing bond. Always have.

No skin to skin contact without natural birth?
Rubbish.
My babies were given to me the moment they were delivered, one after the other. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

My daughters (twins) were premature, twin 1 was breech and small for date. Certainly a situation where ‘natural’ was not better, or even remotely preferable for my children - that it should be given primacy as a birthing method over others is ridiculous, as Stella observes, it is only a tiny component of being a mother, and IMO has little - no impact on whether or not a mother bonds with her child(ren). However, positing one method as ‘better’ than all others and in doing so perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and guilt, has significant potential to affect a mother’s ability to bond.

And, for the record, natural isn’t necessarily better. Plenty of things in this world are ‘natural’, but doesn’t necessarily equate to being better. People appear to be of the opinion that because a product or method is ‘natural’, it somehow has a greater health benefit for humans.
AIDS is natural, as is snake venom, TB, cocaine… all of which could potentially kill you.
Natural isn’t necessarily better - utilising a variety of different methods and resources is better.

And so, because EVERYONE has advice, when someone chastises you, offers an opinion or berates (oh-so-subtly) you for not doing something the ‘natural’ way… well… My advice is to pay no mind.