‘Pies have the game plan, Hawks have a dental plan
“They are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them.”
No one is quite sure whether JK Rowling’s description of dementors was inspired by Collingwood fans but it would be safe to assume that at some point in her life, the Harry Potter author had the misfortune to spend time with the Magpie faithful - so chillingly accurate is her account of how their mere presence affect ordinary folk.
It would be wrong to characterise all Collingwood supporters as ill-bred, gutter dwelling oxygen thieves more likely to break into your car than make a meaningful contribution to society, but one can understand why that perception exists.
Every supporter group in the AFL has to contend with a host of stereotypes; Melbourne supporters are seen as disinterested bluebloods more excited by favourable ski conditions than September action.
Richmond fans are considered passionate if somewhat dimwitted folk who spend the preseason deluding themselves that their team is finally capable of success .
And Hawthorn fans are generally regarded as fiercely intelligent high achievers blessed with smouldering good looks.
However there is little doubt that the most entrenched, widely acknowledged and decidedly negative stereotypes surround Collingwood fans. And no amount of PR savvy manoeuvering or high end sponsorships will change that as long as their supporters carry on like feral, semi-literate thugs whose enjoyment of a football game is dependent upon making those around them miserable and in fear of losing their teeth or will to live.
Contrast this with Hawthorn fans who conduct themselves with a level of decorum and respect that one expects from upstanding members of the community.
At the football, their behavior is as impeccable as their breeding. It’s clear they have found the perfect balance between passion and perspective. You can sit next to a Hawthorn supporter and be sure that while they support their team with gay abandon, and will not resort to the type of ill mannered antics that have made Collingwood fans social pariahs.
Indeed you could not find two supporters groups who are greater polar opposites than the Hawthorn and Collingwood fans. One characterised by a world of privilege born of hard work, and the other a parasitic existence that defies the laws of natural selection and modern dental care.
Though we must always refrain from prejudging individuals or indulging in wild generalisations, there comes a time when even the most politically correct soul needs to acknowledge that some stereotypes exist for a reason and in the case of Collingwood fans there is plenty of hard evidence to support the theory that they are job dodging tax burdens bereft of manners & common decency.
Prone to acts of violence and devoid of self control, they are more likely than any other fan to find themselves incarcerated, so much so that our prisons are full of Collingwood-loving criminals. As a club they gave rise to the term ‘Colliwobbles’ and have for decades underachieved in a manner that has greatly amused all right thinking football fans.
This habit of underachievement and incompetence is evident even as the club in 2010 celebrated its only second premiership in more than 50 years. The year before, the club announced a coaching succession plan that will effectively see the best coach in the country in Mick Malthouse sacked as head coach at the end of the 2011 season even if he wins the club its first back to back premiership since 1935-36.
This act of sheer ass-hattery is only surpassed by the club’s administration managing to lose millions in property deals in the midst of one of the biggest property booms in Australian history. The Collingwood machine is also fond of breathtaking hypocrisy; they admonish fans of other clubs for bad behavior and accuse them of dehumanising their players while their own supporters hurl the vilest abuse imaginable at opposition players, officials and fans.
Tonight a hopeful nation looks to the fine young men of the Hawthorn Football Club to end Collingwood’s reign of malignant terror. It may be a tad dramatic but the preliminary final clash can be described as a battle between good and evil.
Let’s pray that Buddy, Cyril and Hodgey can conjure a patronus that will defeat the soulless dementors of Collingwood and restore all that is pure and good in the football world.
Rita Panahi may or may not be a Hawthorn member
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