If Melbourne was a person she would have been sent to Trinny and Susannah by now.
It wouldn’t be her idea of course - it’s one of those shows she would sneer at - but her loved ones would have given her that little encouraging nudge.
She’d go and be full of fake bravado, giving as much lip at Catherine Deveny on Logies night, bragging about her coffee, her restaurants, her laneways and festivals.
She’d make sure those British style police knew how clever, how witty (hello, Comedy Festival), and how cultured she was.
But Trinny and Susannah wouldn’t be distracted.
This is what I believe they would say.
T&S: Honey, what’s going on right down your middle? You’ve got this exceptionally ugly street, it’s dirty and crammed with fast food outlets and it plays host to drunken violence each night. You’ve got tacky tourist souvenir stores, and bizarrely, horses that are forced to carry their own poo in bags. What were you thinking?
M: Swanston Street’s not my strength, you need to look deeper than that.
T&S: But dear you’ve got to give people a hint that there is something worth looking for. It’s time to bring the cafes out of their laneway hiding places and put them loud and proud right on your main street. You need some creative little shop fronts for those clever Melbourne designers you’re always bragging about and you need some small gardens through the middle of Swanston St, right down the bottom end.
M: Cafes, designers, gardens, I can live with that. Maybe I’ll add a bookshop to that section of the street as well, I am heritage listed city of literature you know.
T&S: Now you’re getting into the swing of things. Let’s move onto Federation Square. It’s a little drab.
M: If you were as clever as me you would know great architecture, like art, is subjective.
T&S: Melbourne, it’s nearly without colour. And it’s not practical. All that brick becomes unbearably hot to sit in during summer and it has a huge amount of outdoor space but no seats.
M: But I paid all that money for Federation Square, I can’t throw it out yet, I haven’t got my wear out of it.
T&S: No need to throw it out, let’s just spruce it up.
M: More gardens?
T&S: With Fed Square it’s time to tee-in-with-the-theme. It’s the gathering place for fans to watch big sporting events so let’s create a space where people can be active. How about a little grass between the Swanston St facing restaurants? It could be used for volleyball, mini soccer, outdoor yoga, bocci, the possibilities would be endless.
M: Bocci and vino nights, I like the sound of that. Maybe with park benches to watch the action from?
T&S: You really are very clever Melbourne. Now King St, what’s going on there?
M: It used to be a lot of fun but I’m not sure what happened to it .
T&S: Melbourne, we’re not prudes but did you really have to put that many strip clubs on one street? It needs a major clean up.
M: Bleach?
T&S: Definitely bleach. We need to kill off most of the brothels and strip clubs and diversify the street. You need to bring some daylight life back to it.
M: But you can’t just force businesses to move, how do you do it?
T&S: More residential buildings, then the residents will solve your problem. There is nothing like a resident’s lobby group to protest against a strip club.
M: I do have a housing shortage, this could solve two problems rather neatly. I feel so much more beautiful already, you know it’s not easy being the younger sister of a supermodel. All I heard growing up was ‘Syndey’s so beautiful, look at her beaches, and her harbour, wow that’s her opera house,’ and no-one ever said anything about me.
T&S: (Tears in eyes) Oh Melbourne we know you can be beautiful, now we are going to pop back later in the series and check how you are going with your transformation.
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@ToryShepherd I hope that's in your piece tomorrow. Also - are you coming over this week or laaaaaater?
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