Now this is how you write a storm warning: Jersey style
Severe weather warnings in Australia normally don’t make for especially riveting reading. They’re usually full of bureaucratic nonsense, and dry (or wet) concepts like exactly how many inches of rain to expect.
But the meteorologists working for America’s National Weather Service clearly believe in plain speaking. With Hurricane Sandy bearing down on the east coast, the NWS has released the following statement. The language used by the New Jersey bureau is almost as epic as the storm itself.
For example, residents who are reluctant to evacuate are told to think about the rescue teams who will “recover your remains if you do not survive”. It’s really comforting stuff.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie would be proud of his weathermen. The bombastic politician, referring to the possibility of people staying behind, summed it up pretty well: “Anything that looks stupid, is stupid.”
PUBLIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE MOUNT HOLLY NJ
241 PM EDT SUN OCT 28 2012
...AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS STORM TO IMPACT THE AREA…
SANDY IS EXPECTED TO SLAM INTO THE NEW JERSEY COAST LATER MONDAY NIGHT, BRINGING VERY HEAVY RAIN AND DAMAGING WINDS TO THE REGION.
THE STORM IS A LARGE ONE, THEREFORE DO NOT FOCUS ON THE EXACT CENTER OF THE STORM AS ALL AREAS WILL HAVE SIGNIFICANT IMPACTS.
THIS HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE AN HISTORIC STORM, WITH WIDESPREAD WIND DAMAGE AND POWER OUTAGES, INLAND AND COASTAL FLOODING, AND MASSIVE BEACH EROSION.
THE COMBINATION OF THE HEAVY RAIN AND PROLONGED WIND WILL CREATE THE POTENTIAL FOR LONG LASTING POWER OUTAGES AND SERIOUS FLOODING.
PREPARATIONS SHOULD BE WRAPPING UP AS CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED TO WORSEN TONIGHT AND ESPECIALLY ON MONDAY.
SOME IMPORTANT NOTES…
1. IF YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO EVACUATE A COASTAL LOCATION BY STATE AND LOCAL OFFICIALS, PLEASE DO SO.
2. IF YOU ARE RELUCTANT TO EVACUATE, AND YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO RODE OUT THE `62 STORM ON THE BARRIER ISLANDS, ASK THEM IF THEY COULD DO IT AGAIN.
3. IF YOU ARE RELUCTANT, THINK ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES, THINK ABOUT THE EMERGENCY RESPONDERS WHO WILL BE UNABLE TO REACH YOU WHEN YOU MAKE THE PANICKED PHONE CALL TO BE RESCUED, THINK ABOUT THE RESCUE/RECOVERY TEAMS WHO WILL RESCUE YOU IF YOU ARE INJURED OR RECOVER YOUR REMAINS IF YOU DO NOT SURVIVE.
4. SANDY IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS STORM. THERE WILL BE MAJOR PROPERTY DAMAGE, INJURIES ARE PROBABLY UNAVOIDABLE, BUT THE GOAL IS ZERO FATALITIES.
5. IF YOU THINK THE STORM IS OVER-HYPED AND EXAGGERATED, PLEASE ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION.
WE WISH EVERYONE IN HARMS WAY ALL THE BEST. STAY SAFE!
NWS MOUNT HOLLY, NJ
But you know what? That’s nothing compared to the epic storm warning that came before Hurricane Katrina. After reading this, including phrases like “HUMAN SUFFERING INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS”, you’d have thought the federal government would’ve responded quicker after the storm hit.
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