My feet are wet, life sucks, and someone must PAY
There are three golden rules in life: Nothing works, everything sucks and everyone you meet is either an idiot or plotting against you.
Being an optimistic and sunny sort of chap I have no problem accepting that this is all an unavoidable part of life and may even play a valuable role in shaping the human condition by teaching us humility through suffering. All I ask is that somebody pays for it.
It’s about time people who indifferently ruin other people’s lives every day were jailed alongside the criminals who do it on purpose.
In fact I would like to see criminal prosecutions for the CEO of every company that delivers a crappy product that ruins your life in some small way.
Let me give you an example. After a lifetime of being dressed by my mother in secondhand clothes – earning me the popular high-school nickname “op shop flavour” – I was ordered by a group of female friends (not mine obviously) to buy some decent shoes for an upcoming wedding.
Not content with just issuing instructions, one of the more liberated members of the group frogmarched me down George St and into the RM Williams shop, where the cheapest piece of footwear was the price of a small European car.
Naturally I refused to throw money away on such an extravagance and made this clear to my lady friend in no uncertain terms, resulting in the usual tears and tantrums.
However, once I’d dried my eyes, I decided to get the boots, largely on the basis of my friend’s assurance that they would last longer on the planet than I would.
Indeed, even when the shop assistant corrected her to say they would in fact only last 20 years at most my friend said she stood by her earlier statement.
So I called up my bank manager, remortgaged the house and bought the boots, confident that I had made a sound investment in my future.
Yesterday, as the left one steadily filled with stormwater through a gaping hole in the sole, I realised it was not the sort of future I had hoped for.
One would think that for an outlay of several hundred dollars you could get a pair of shoes that would last six months without getting a hole in the bottom, but alas - no.
So as I stood there in my wet boots wondering if foot fungus could spread to other parts of the body, I realised there was only one reasonable and proportionate response to this: The head of RM Williams must be jailed immediately.
After all, if you take someone’s money for no good reason that is a crime right? Why should CEOs be the only people exempt from this rule?
Here’s another classic: My dearly beloved and I had to go to the airport on the weekend to see off her departing parents. We parked the car, sat with them for an hour working up the courage to eat a muffin, and then returned to the carpark and popped the ticket in the slot. At this point the machine cheerfully informed us that we owed it $21.
If ever a vending machine deserved to go to hell it was then.
And it’s not just blatant theft. If you’re being attacked by hired goons and you can’t call 000 because your phone carrier doesn’t provide a decent network, surely that is criminal negligence?
Indeed, I was thinking that as I wrote a story about Optus’s woeful coverage recently. The company had made all sorts of pronouncements as it was offloading iPhones to all and sundry about how it was going to vastly boost its network and increase download speeds, all of which turned out to be bollocks.
If it was a politician who had broken such a pledge they would be flayed alive and hacked into pieces by angry dwarves - but when a company does it no one punishes them in the same way.
Optus has more customers than either political party has voters and yet they seem to be completely unaccountable to them; likewise countless other companies. Why should they not be scrutinised, criticised and hung out to dry when they fail to deliver just like we routinely do to our politicians?
Of course it is hardly fair to compare someone clever enough to find profit margins in things like – just in aviation for example – emergency seating on planes, people bringing baggage on a trip, providing a check-in service, selling food to a captive market and of course a car park monopoly to a politician. At least some politicians are honest.
No, it is the criminal system for this lot. The courts should be filled with Italian-suited corporate high-flyers explaining why they took $10 from Sydney grandmother Gladys Jones because she couldn’t operate the self-service check-in machine; or paying damages for pain and suffering to Dwayne Muntly who couldn’t call his girlfriend because of lousy reception and then got dumped for not being a good communicator; or being forced to cover the medical bills of a handsome young journalist tragically struck down by a rare and aggressive form of foot fungus.
Businesspeople who profit from faulty goods should be removed from society, locked up, wiped out and expunged like the foreign parasites they are. If we’re going to turn boats back to send a message to asylum seekers or send young unemployed people down the mines let’s get serious across the board. Nail the fatcats’ hands to the wall like the Romans’ did, just to keep them out of our pockets; or crucify them like Spartacus’s slaves and make a picket fence of them all along the corporate ladder. Destroy the bastards in one fell swoop, before they destroy our lives one tiny disappointment at a time.
Or maybe I’ll just write a letter.
Disclaimer: This article was written before the author had had his first cup of coffee for the day.
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