Having Mick Malthouse as your coach is like being punished for a crime you haven’t committed. Malthouse is small-minded, bad-tempered, lacks discipline and shirks responsibility. He’s quite unpleasant.

Malthouse: A riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a black and white tracksuit.

Now we know that he is a liar, and that’s a problem, because lying isn’t a mistake you make, it’s a character flaw.

It is yet another pointy arrow in Malthouse’s quiver of shortcomings, joining his over-sensitivity, profanity and lack of courage.

The city guffawed last week when he invoked the wisdom of Winston Churchill as a defence for fibbing about whether he lost control—his version of leadership—shouting an obscenity and accusing a player of being a rapist. I’d have decked him.

The Churchill reference was both an attempt to invest some lofty ideal in ``sacrificing’’ himself by ``needing’’ to tell a lie for the greater good of the game and to sound well-read.
He’s always doing that. Once, when we were whacked by Brisbane, he solemnly intoned that he had been looking for ``the Trojan Horse to break through the fortifications of a pretty good football side’‘.

The Hawks reminded him of the armies of ancient Rome.

Geelong’s work was more Sun Tzu and his The Art of War.

When an equally lost coach talked of a team’s concepts of time and space, quick as a flash Malthouse reckoned it sounded like ``something out of Albert Einstein’s history books’‘.

The German maths genius was not known for his grasp of history, but perhaps Malthouse had been immersing himself in Einstein’s work on Brownian motion (the apparently random movement of particles in fluid). It sounded like he was up to his ears in it.

Publicly, Malthouse claims he takes little notice of stats, yet he quotes them and their importance ceaselessly in his newspaper column. That he despises the media and regularly snipes at its members may be to do with the fact he can get a gig only with Victoria’s smallest-circulation masthead. Envy is a sin, Mick.

So let’s look at what he had to write last week. ``It was for the good of the game that I did not want to expand on the quarter-time incident in last weekend’s St Kilda-Collingwood match,’’ he wrote.

I suspect that he lied because he was embarrassed at losing control in front of the playing group he is meant to lead, but betrays with his nasty streak.

May I quote Churchill, Mick? ``One ought never to turn one’s back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. Never run away from anything. Never!’‘

Malthouse continued: ``We simply can’t afford to look back. It’s a pity the Melbourne media cannot do the same.’‘

May I quote Britain’s venerable wartime hero again, Mick? ``The farther back you can look, the farther forward you can see.’‘

The self-indulgent Malthouse also went on to boast that ``I believe that my behaviour in public stands the test of time.’‘

This is a bloke who maliciously dismissed young Jason Cloke’s efforts once by saying: ``This was his first grand final. He probably played better in the last one.’’ The boy had not played in the previous grand final. Another losing situation, another undisciplined snarl by the boss whose role it is to inspire his youthful charges.

Sorry, Mick, can we turn to Churchill one last time? ``You can measure a man’s character by the choices he makes under pressure.’‘

Malthouse believes sections of the media hold high-profile people to impossible standards.

Listen, Mick: if you can’t resist foul language in public, if you feel the need to label a young competitor a rapist, and if you wish to lie your way out of it, then that’s fair enough.

But don’t hide behind the immortal memory of one of the greatest soldiers and leaders the world has seen. Like me, Mick, you aren’t fit to lick his bootstraps.

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21 comments

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    • acker says:

      06:42am | 22/04/10

      Mick Malthouse has become a human headline because of the unrealistic expectation, overhype, media prostitution and toxic interference Eddie Maguire has poisoned Collingwood with…. I’m a dogs fan, Mick wasn’t like this when he coached us and I don’t think he was at the Eagles.

    • stevie says:

      07:02am | 22/04/10

      Another quote from Churchill that fits perfectly the mean-spirited coach:
      “history will be kind to me because I intend writing it.”

    • hugh says:

      07:51am | 22/04/10

      Let he who has not sinned throw the first stone

      Which adult can say they have never lied, then lied about lying? Anyone?

      Geez, the blokes a footy coach - he isnt running for office. ease up

    • Dasher says:

      08:40am | 22/04/10

      I think Mick has made a mistake. Let’s hope he learns from it. Now why do you think the Victorian clubs are getting more frees in games against interstate clubs. Is there a Vic bias? Last year when games were played between Vic clubs and interstate clubs, the Vic clubs got more frees in 15 of the 22 rounds (70%). They were awarded 97 more frees throughout the entire 2009 season in games against interstate opposition. This trend has continued in 2010, with Vic clubs already receiving 33 more free kicks through only 4 rounds of footy this year. It looks like the Umps are favouring the Melbourne based teams. The AFL needs to address the imbalance before it gets out of hand.

    • David says:

      12:39pm | 22/04/10

      Tell me about it. The umpires at the gabba regularly manage to miss blatant holding, pushes in the back, high contacts, tackles after a mark is taken etc if the penalty goes against the visitors. The umpiring at the Gabba of late has been disgusting.

    • dan says:

      09:30am | 22/04/10

      Wow Alan, what a hater you are. Get over it.

    • Amused says:

      10:22am | 22/04/10

      Mick made a pretty stupid mistake - he should be, and has been, reprimanded accordingly.  This aside, Alan, you sure seem to be very happy chastising Mick in some semi-socratic churchill-quoting manner that smells a little too much like you are a toff-nosed sook.  Get over it.  High level sports displays a range of emotions, good and bad.  Worse has happened and whilst that is no justification, perspective seems to be lacking given numerous events at professional level by a myriad of stars with a (supposedly) much greater moral standing in their given field….Furthermore, “I’d have decked him” is sheer stupidity. Would you deck Milne if he insulted you our your seuxal orientation? Moot point anyway….I doubt you could hit the water if you fell out of a boat.  Now go have a coke, a smile and be nice to someone - your cloud may just have a silver lining.

    • Jenni says:

      11:20am | 22/04/10

      @Amused “Furthermore, “I’d have decked him” is sheer stupidity. Would you deck Milne if he insulted you our your seuxal orientation?”

      Malthouse did not insult the player’s sexual orientation,though that still would have been deplorable. Malthouse called this young man a RAPIST. This is not only a disgusting thing to call another human being, but without a basis of fact, is actually slander for which Malthouse could actually be sued. If I were the young man in question, I may well have been tempted to deck him myself.

    • A Dose of Reality says:

      10:52am | 22/04/10

      Annoying that churchill is viewed with anything other than complete revulsion and disgust. 

      An insult to every Australian soldier who saw service in WWII in Africa - those men who he firstly denied access to defend the shores of their own country (for some reason he thought it more important for them to die overseas than defend their own families), and secondly put on a UNESCORTED convey through enemy patrolled waters (when Curtin demanded their return) - UNESCORTED - this idiot wouldn’t spare one warship from the largest navy in the world to escort this convoy (one Japanese destroyer could have wiped out the entire Australian army corp.)

      .... and this after his idiot decision to have thousands slaughtered at Gallipoli in WWI.

      By comparing himself to this traitorous fool Malthouse condemns himself.

    • Willy K says:

      11:51am | 22/04/10

      A dose of reality - you need a dose of reality!

      Britain was under full attack from Germany at the time, their economy was on its knees and they had lost tens of thousands of men and thousands of planes/warships/merchant ships.  Britain had fronts under attack all over the planet and against two immensely powerful foes and with ZERO help from the USA for almost two years.

      Get some perspective you goose.  The Brits did what they could - they were fighting for their very survival and we would have done the same in the same circumstance.

      Churchill was and is held in very high regard and helped massively to boost morale in Britain and win the war.  Of course he wasn’t perfect - no military leader ever has been.

      Get the chip off your shoulder and see the big picture.

    • A Dose of Reality says:

      02:42pm | 22/04/10

      Willy K,

      Read up a bit.

      You’ll find that when Curtin wanted Aussie troops to come home the war in North Africa (where those Aussie troops had served with distinction, earning high words of praise from Rommel himself) had already been won, as had the Battle of Britain.  The USA had entered the war and the allies were planning the offensives in Italy and Normandy.  The Russians were starting to hold their own, demanding huge resources from Germany to stop an outright reverse.

      Churchill wanted to sacrifice Australia to the Japanese while Australian troops were sent to Greece, AS A DIVERSION, in a repeat of the “Dardanelles Underbelly” strategy that cost so much in WWI - but with a less lofty objective. 

      He was also lobbying the USA to forget about the Pacific, in which he succeeded to some degree.  A real US presence in this war came about a little later.  Australia was cast alone, virtually defenceless but for the “chocolate soldiers” - clerks manning desks, with its’ regular army held up on the other side of the world.  As a result of this situation the “Brisbane Line” concept was rumoured to have developed (are you familiar with this?).

      Do you have any kind of idea where the British navy was, or what it was doing?

      Read up, fool.

    • Sean Williams says:

      03:03am | 23/04/10

      Churchill is a great British hero, so show some respect “A Dose of Reality” - you don’t see British people going around belittling the great figures Australia has procuded like Rolf Harris, Harold Bishop and…. errr help me out here. The anti-Churchill thing in Australia seems to be mainly down to 1) jealousy that they have never produced such an inspiring globally-admired leader; 2) a belief that Australians were sacrified at Gallipoli to protect “cowardly Brits drinking tea back on the boats” when the casualty figures show that Britain lost more than three times the amount the ANZACs did during the Dardanelles campaign. Finally, you’re correct to point out that Aussies performed admirably in North Africa. Maybe if they had stayed they could have earned more plaudits, perhaps even a supporting role at D-Day. Instead, back home the Australian army descended into a drunken rabble. MacArthur refused to use them in the front-line of the Pacific campaign because they were so hopeless.

    • A Dose of Reality says:

      01:25pm | 23/04/10

      Sean Williams

      1) learn to read, you have not read my post. 

      I never claimed that the Gallipoli campaign was a loss for ANZAC troops only - I simply pointed to the fact that it was a disastrous campaign (”.. idiot decision..”, to be exact).  I am well aware that British troops (along with the French) also suffered terribly.  I am also aware (and you may not be) that Indian troops also fought there, and in most dispatches were described as “British” (much as the Australians were described as “British” later when in France).

      2) “back home the Australian army descended into a drunken rabble. MacArthur refused to use them in the front-line of the Pacific campaign because they were so hopeless.”

      Are you for real?  One word - Kakoda. 

      The above claim is nonesense.  MacArthur used his own troops over which he had an absolute authority - he did not like the fact he had to consult the Australian Government in the use of Australian troops (nor did he think he was answerable to the US government, for that matter).  There is also the fact that most of the US troops used in the Pacific (essentially a naval campaign) were marines, and came “equipped” for island hopping as they were part of ships’ contingents.  This showed through in his planning.  Australian troops, as well as other army contingents were used in other aspects of the war.

      His reluctance in political co-operation also showed through in his military demise (you might like to research him a little - it makes interesting reading, from a number of viewpoints).

      On the factual side of this point British commanders have also referred to Aussie troops as “undisciplined, drunken rabble”.  Only to have their bacon saved at Bersheeba, Trobuk, Villers-Bretonneux, Hamel etc, etc.

      3)“Maybe if they had stayed they could have earned more plaudits”

      Please name a fighting force that has earned MORE “plaudits” from both enemy and ally than has the Australian Army over the past 100 years.  Go through the facts and figures.

      4) “great figures Australia has procuded like Rolf Harris, Harold Bishop and…. errr help me out here.”

      Certainly ... during churchills’ time in fact… ever heard of Monash?  you know, the general commander on the western front who actually achieved an objectives using military planning and initiative and not on the wholesale expenditure of “dispensable” troops.  (the allied high command was of the opinion that in the end, if there is 3 allied soldiers and only 1 german soldier, then the allies have won - Read up on Haig, if you like).

      Two allied general commanders stand out in WWI; Monash and Currie (and I’ll bet you have no idea of Currie, either).

      Howard Florey
      Albert Jacka
      Sir Ernest Edward ‘Weary’ Dunlop
      John “Simpson” Kirkpatrick
      This is getting boring - I’m not the schoolteacher you never listened to - your determined ignorance is astounding

    • Sean Williams says:

      05:35pm | 23/04/10

      First of all may i beg the indulgence of the moderators on what is, after all, a “football” thread to give my final right to reply to my friend ADoR.
      All i was responding to was the snide sneering tone we always get from certain Australians whenever the world wars are raised. Sometimes you would wonder if we were on the same side!  I simply do not understand it.

      1) More British troops were killed in the first hour of the horrendous Somme assault than ANZACs were killed in the whole Dardanelles campaign (at which, as I have said,  three times as many Brits were killed) so please stop pleading special victimhood.

      2) I stand by my comments about the Australian forces descending into an undisciplined rabble, you seem to be an avid reader on this subject ADOR so i’m sure you’ll know this already. Kokoda was July-November 1942 i believe, and effectively represented Australia’s last significant impact on WWII. By the last years of the war, by most accounts Australian forces were no longer of any use in the sharp end of Pacific operations.

      3) I reckon the Scots of the British Army take your honours. To bring things up to date the best phrase our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan could direct at our Aussie cousins is surely “Where the bloody hell are you?” No matter, we didn’t need you in the Falklands either (much to your chagrin, no need for our “bacon to be saved” there cobber)

      4) I vaguely know of Monash, helped break the German lines in 1918 by bombarding them with gas, very noble, and I seem to recall Currie was Canadian. As for the rest I plead ignorance, forgive me.

      To conclude, you may have your quibbles with some of Churchill’s policies (us “doff the cap” Brits certainly weren’t shy either, he was voted out of his seat because of the Dardanelles fiasco and turfed out of office as PM in 1945) but now in 2010 he is rightly, for all his faults, seen as a true British hero. Imagine how furious you would be if on a UK web thread to a sporting discussion which, for some reason, mentioned great Australian Rolf Harris in the title, a beastly Pom had laid into the wondrous wobble board-wielder? Your patriotic honour would surely have compelled you to respond, as I have here

    • A dose of Reality says:

      01:08pm | 24/04/10

      Read up on Monash again, you’ve got it wrong.  Currie was a Canadian.  If the war had continued for another year Currie would have been appointed by the allies as the High commander (rather than the butcher, haig) with Monash as his deputy.  Their co-ordinated use of the different elements at their disposal set them way ahead of the British and French generals.  Far fewer of their commands died while achieving far greater results.

      Scots troops have been very effective for the English, so true for a number of centuries.  However over the past 100 years (Boer, WW!, WWII, Korea, Vietnam) There is strong argument that Australian troops have performed better (In iraq, that oil grab for bush that neither the UK nor Aust should be in, there is only the one, small battle group in a relatively quiet province - and are doing a good job - I have never claimed that they are the most numerous!).

      Again, MacArthur used his own troops because he had absolute command of them.  He resented that he had to consult the Australian government in the use of Australian troops.  (Almost as much as he disliked being answerable to the US government).

      It is also true that as the Pacific War was essentially a naval one (island hopping to get within reach of Japan), Army troops without sea-going transport and/or protection are of little use, and actually a drain on resources already integrated elsewhere.  His own forces were overwhelmingly naval in composition, the “footsoldiers” were mainly marines, the strike forces were capital in nature (warship and aircraft).  It could be argued that he only saw a sustained land assault as a way to further deplete japanese resources in any given area - or to draw out their rapidly diminishing naval assets.  His strategies in the Korean war again placed emphasis on the use of naval power.

      To reiterate, I have never denied that British troops suffered at Gallipoli - I have said it was a stupid idea.  I have also stated “idiot decision to have thousands slaughtered at Gallipoli”. Nowhere did I claim that Australia suffered more.  The French died there too, so did a great number of Indians (who were often mentioned as “British”).  It was an idiotic idea to persue an already failed strategy (a previous naval attempt failed).  And one that was unnecessary, the Ottoman was occupied in Arabia and Persia.  Australia holds it in some regard as it is the first time Australians fought such a large battle under the auspice of their own country.  It is not so much that many died, it was that it was the first time so many died “as Australians”.  Far more were to die in France.

      Whether or nor churchill is venerated in England is not the question, he should be seen different here, simply for the disregard in which he abandoned this country to the Japanese and particularly how he sent Australian troops into Japanese waters without an escort (which he did have available) after firstly denying them the right to defend their parents, wives and children.

      He did this AFTER Australia had gone straight to the defence of his England without question, without regard for itself, for the second time, as a loyal and unswerving ally. 

      PS - while I think he is a very talented man, I can readily accept that some people may not like the entertainer, Rolf Harris.  I draw your attention however, to the fact that Rolf Harris has never betrayed a nations’ trust nor has he put the lives of tens of thousands of Englishmen in danger.

    • Chris Nisiforou says:

      10:57am | 22/04/10

      The guy has been coaching since 1984.  It is now 2010.  You have lambasted him for engaging in quasi philosophy during his coaching tenure and for one ill conceived comment and attempted cover up which occurred recently.  Neither you nor any other sections of the so called Melbourne media elite have questioned what motivated him to do what he did, which is out of character for him.
      Secondly, if a coach cannot denigrate his players for insipid performances during the most important game of the year then they should be there.
      Thirdly, his record speaks for itself: Bulldogs preliminary final (1985) ask Doug Hawkins if he is a bad coach? West Coast - 2 flags (3 Grand Finals).  Ask Glenn Jackovich what sort of a coach he is?  Glenn once stated that he is more of a coach than most, he is like a father figure to his players.  Collingwood, no flag yet but lifted from the doldrums of the Tony Shaw years to being a regular finals performer.  Ask the AFL if they are happy about that?
      Who else would get the best out of players like Licuria, McKee, and the other try hards of the 2002 team that went within 9 points of Brisbane in 2002?  No one else.
      Malthouse has defintely slipped up, but in te context of his long tenure the criticism levelled aginst him disproportionate to what he has done, especially coming from so called editors who have met the queen!
      If that is what ticks one off go back to drinking cups of tea and leave the footy to real enthusiasts like true collingwood supporters.

    • Moses says:

      11:13am | 22/04/10

      There’s way too many articles about AFL on this site.

    • dave says:

      12:44pm | 22/04/10

      On the contrary, there can never be too many articles about AFL anywhere   =)

    • acker says:

      02:34pm | 22/04/10

      @Moses…this forum has to many poser posters with aka’s that suggest they can part the sea IMHO

    • Andy says:

      11:22am | 22/04/10

      Agreed Moses, i though this was supposeed to be a balanced web site, how bout some league?

    • Mr Subramanian says:

      12:00pm | 22/04/10

      Perhaps that’s a reflection of the passion with which AFL’s followers write about their sport: perhaps you should submit an article about rugby league yourself, rather than just complain about their absence smile

 

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