Lewinsky swans around, still hoping to cash her Bill
In 1987 we had Fatal Attraction convincing us of the crazed capabilities of the Other Woman. When Glenn Close’s character Alex said: “I won’t be ignored, Dan”, she made every philanderer’s old fella shrivel in fear.
Ten years later, Monica Lewinsky cemented the star status of the Other Woman by forcing a sitting president to admit he had an “improper relationship” with her.
Her trump card came in the form of a stained blue dress, but her triumph was short-lived. In time, the only stain that stuck was the one on Lewinsky’s character.
Fast forward another 15 years, and the joke is well and truly on Lewinsky. Rumours are circulating that she is one of the contestants on The Celebrity Swan.
It’s the latest incarnation of The Swan, a hit US show that transforms ugly ducklings into preening, plastic princesses.
It’s a show that makes Extreme Makeover look classy. Producers take perfectly normal-looking women, convince them they are ugly, and fix up all their “flaws” in front of the cameras.
Tellingly, another contestant allegedly joining Lewinsky on this cringe-fest is Erin Moran, a former Happy Days star who’s widely reported to be psychotic and homeless.
Lewinsky may have won the battle to hold a president to account in front of the world’s media, but she clearly has not won the war.
A man who couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants kept his post as President. And the girl who lured the old dog off the porch has ended up the butt of everyone’s jokes. And, sadly, it seems her butt is one of the biggest jokes around.
But Lewinsky doesn’t need The Celebrity Swan to tell her where she’s failed in life. She’s got the media for that.
Every few years, the paparazzi take fresh shots of her, and they’re published to illustrate that Lewinsky is single, fat and forgettable.
While her former heart-throb Clinton is still Mr President - in America, even former presidents keep this title - Lewinsky is lampooned as an old maid still living with her mum.
She’s unmarried, so it goes without saying that she must be lonely. She’s large, so she must be struggling with her weight. She doesn’t have a high profile job, so she’s failing in her career. She doesn’t have kids, so she must be desperately unhappy.
She hasn’t ended up in a bathtub of blood like Fatal Attraction’s Alex, but she’s hardly living the dream.
Of course, this may not be the case. Lewinsky may be having a ball – or two, on a good night. She may well love her curves, love her life, and adore living with her mother in a classy New York penthouse.
It just goes to show that there is no positive public discourse for a nearly-forty woman of a certain size who is single and barren. But why does everyone hate Lewinsky so much after all this time?
Perhaps it’s because she embarrassed many people with her eagerness to be Clinton’s worthless little piece of fluff. After all, she was initially willing to lie for him under oath before he betrayed her by telling everyone she was nothing to him.
The Celebrity Swan issue illustrates the bind Lewinsky finds herself in: although she has admitted she needs to “live a more private life”, the more she presents her humiliation up for public consumption, the more famous and rich she can become.
Of course, Bill Clinton is the one who should be the laughing stock; he was the President, married, and having sexual liaisons with women half his age.
However, Lewinsky may well still have an ace up her sleeve. There are reports that she is negotiating a $12 tell-all million contract. As we all know, revenge is a dish best served in book form, and a massive advance like that could turn any ugly duckling into a swan on her own terms.
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