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Le Tour de France is a beautiful dance

Dylan Malloch

by Dylan Malloch

02 Jul 05:55am

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Filed under: Cycling, Sport, Television, Tour De France

29 comments

One of my favourite quotes from the movie Anchorman is the following line from Ron Burgundy:

We have sexy time, yes? Pic: AFP

“I won’t be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I are trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it’s jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I’m not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.”

Every time I read that I nearly fall off my chair laughing. The point is, in Ron Burgundy’s world, jogging sounds like a complete waste of time.

This is the attitude I’d always taken to the Tour De France – it’s a total waste of time. It combined three of my least favourite things to watch on TV: cycling, the countryside, and Gabriel Gate.

I never got into Le Tour, nor did I ever intend to. I didn’t understand the rules or the tactics, and I really couldn’t be bothered to find out. That all changed in 2009.

Some good friends of mine decided to adopt me as a running project. They were convinced there was a runner inside of me just longing to be set free.

Well, never one to turn down a challenge (actually I turn them down more frequently than the Olsen Twins turn down food, but that’s beside the point), I decided to start running. 

Why am I talking about running when I’m meant to be talking about Le Tour? Well, many of the friends who got me into running are also triathletes. They love the idea of getting up at the crack of dawn and running, cycling and swimming for an extended period of time.

This also means they all LOVE Le Tour. For them, it represents not only the pinnacle of cycling, but the pinnacle of sport. So for three weeks a year, they stay up super late watching a bunch of skinny men in lycra ride their bicycles across France.

The night I embraced Le Tour was in mid-2009. I was hanging out at my mate Todd’s place, and the Ashes were on – my favourite sporting event of all time.

However, the first mountain stage of the 2009 Tour was also on that night. And since Todd and his mates are avid Le Tour fans, the Ashes was only allowed to be watched during the ad breaks of the cycling. To me, this was a form of cruel and unusual punishment which should be outlawed under the Geneva Convention.

Interestingly, watching Le Tour with a bunch of cycling fanatics who could explain the rules, techniques, main characters and tactics stirred something within me. Suddenly, and totally improbably, I somehow… got into Le Tour.

I mean really into it. 

No longer was it just a bunch of lame cyclists competing in a really lame race. I suddenly realised it’s a bunch of super fit elite athletes competing in possibly the most gruelling event on the planet.

These days I’m massively into the Tour for the following reasons:

1. It’s enthralling viewing. When you combine some of the most spectacular locations in Europe (now that my folks have bought a house over there, the scenery has become about six trillion times more interesting), with really specific team tactics and watching guys go flat out over a 25 km climb that would take me several years to complete, is remarkable viewing.

2. It’s exciting. I know there are cynics out there who can’t possibly fathom how watching people ride bikes through France could be exciting, but hear me out.

Sometimes one rider can be pushed out of a group of riders and fall back to the group behind. Then that rider harnesses his inner Rocky Balboa and fights back. Sometimes, if they’re awesome (like Lance Armstrong in 2009), they manage to, on their own, catch up with the group ahead to keep themselves in the game.

At first this sounds a little lame, but after talking with these cycling friends of mine, apparently it’s really hard to do. As soon as you lose the slipstream of the bike in front of you you’re gone. So fighting back without any help from surrounding riders is really tough, and watching it happen is pretty great viewing.

And that’s not to mention the sprint finishes. Some of these races go right down to the wire, and watching cyclists who’ve just travelled 200km suddenly go up a gear and sprint at an incredible pace is fantastic.

3: My friends are into it – don’t discount how important this is to making sports exciting. Think of how much more awesome it is when you’re watching sports with your mates. I think the enjoyment factor goes up by at least 27 per cent.

Now, I’m excuseless. No longer is the most gruelling sporting event on the planet something I’m happy to ignore. In fact, over the next few weeks, I’ll likely lose a lot of precious sleeping hours staying up late watching a bunch of white guys cycle for an extended period of time.

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29 comments

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    • acotrel says:

      06:09am | 02/07/11

      When I can afford it, I road race motorcycles.  The Tour De France might be a lot slower, but itr’s extremely enjoyable to watch.  I like it a lot better than that dumb footy that gets promoted so much on our TV!  I watched a preliminary programme on SBS two nights ago.  I really want to go to France again, and stand in the Champs Elysses and watch that go past.  What a spectacle? One day the ‘Tour Down Under’ might run through the ranges in Victoria - That’d be superb?

      Reply

    • Adrian says:

      09:36am | 02/07/11

      Congratulations, acotrel, on being a motorcyclist who also appreciates cycling. We’re a rare breed; I ride a Honda Fireblade and I am also an avid cyclist. I’ve never understood the schism that exists between motorcyclists and cyclists, and I think it’s a great pity. We’re both marginalised road users and should be working together.

    • Phil says:

      11:16am | 02/07/11

      Acotrel it is great that bar politics I can agree with you. I love the Tour. It has the best scenery of any sporting event in the world.,...

      The tactical part of the racing interests me. I love watching the cobbled sections, (hey Ive had my share of off’s on my Fuji) so others crashing so long as they are not taken out. Last year had the Schlecks taken it slower and Frank survived the cobbled sections, Andy would have had a real team mate to attack Contodor with.

      Cant wait.

      Was at Le Tour in 1994 and 1995, unfortunately the 1995 trip I was in Italy for a funeral of a great mate who was killed on Lake Como and one of Italy;s champions in another sport.  His only mate that could not come was in fact Fabio Casartelli, as the Motorola Team would not release him and who tragically fell in stage 15 less than a week after his friend died on the mountain decent of the Col de Portet d’Aspet in the Pyrenees and died.

      We then travelled to the Tour a few days later and saw the most amazing performance on the 18th Stage when Armstrong finished blitzing the field to win pointing and kissing to the sky in memory to his team mate and friend. Not a dry eye anywhere.

      I enjoyed the race from a spectators view in 1994 and then on the 18th stage 15 years before I bought my own bike and love the riding. (Ok the first 2 months it felt like someone was trying to pry your ass apart with a wedge) but eventually you get used to it or a more comfy seat.

      I recon a Tour of our Alps from say Mt Kosc out via Tummit, back via Thredbo to Victoria and the Great Ocean Road could be one of our chances to get a great race here. Mountains, (not like theirs but some hills)  would be awesome.

      Hang in there you will get to Paris.

    • Knemon says:

      02:50pm | 02/07/11

      @ acotrel - Hear hear. For me, this is the pinnacle of sport viewing and as an added bonus, the camera scenes from the mountainous country side of France are awesome, it was the ‘sole’ reason for my only trip to France. I’m planning to return once more, hopefully next year’s race. Of course, the food and wine were only an afterthought! wink

    • acotrel says:

      03:02pm | 02/07/11

      @Adrian I’ve alwats loved pushbikes, but then I discovered I could get the adrenalin rush without the sore bum and legs. I still have a 1966 Seeley Norton 850 - the love of my life after my wife and dog.

    • Dylan Malloch says:

      09:05am | 04/07/11

      I’ve got to admit, I’d love to go see the Tour live.  But it seems a little tough that the only cycling you’d see would last for about 1 minute as all the riders zoom past you and off into the sunset!

    • Dave says:

      06:10am | 02/07/11

      Is that guy in the photo hanging to the left?

      Reply

    • Al says:

      06:12am | 02/07/11

      nicely sums up the journey from “interest” to “getting it” ... i’ve gone through the same going from when sbs were showing just highlights programs to watching full stages. Having a whole season to follow with sbs and eurosport this last few years has been perfect timing for me. So much so that i look forward to Flanders, Giro and even the Tour of Oman alongside Le Tour.
      Will be heading across to TDU one of these years to take in my new heroes in person!

      Reply

    • Dylan Malloch says:

      09:06am | 04/07/11

      Thanks!  I still haven’t mustered up the courage to get into any cycling that isn’t TDF, but, as I wrote in the article… never say never!

    • murr40 says:

      07:33am | 02/07/11

      Please,not another ” tour de drugs” BORING…...i wonder how many will be on the juice?ah thats rite someone spiked my water bottle….tossers the lot of them.

      Reply

    • Harquebus says:

      12:24pm | 02/07/11

      Another victim to the morons. RIP Dylan. I don’t think there is a cure for brain dead.

      Reply

    • Chris_D says:

      12:46pm | 02/07/11

      Not a big leap, from the “excitement” of 5 days of cricket, to the “excitement” of several weeks of cycling.  It is usually employment and prior/family commitments that prevent me from settling in with a remote control, a fresh carton of beer and a pantry full of snacks to enjoy watching days of sport.

      But I will confess I agree with your assessment of Ron Burgundy.  “Yogging” does seem like a complete waste of time, unless you do it for the mundane reason of keeping fit.  Yawn. wink

      Reply

    • Richie says:

      04:39pm | 02/07/11

      Greatest sporting event to watch at late night during Winter uni holidays. Fact.

      Reply

    • acotrel says:

      09:15am | 03/07/11

      @Richie Our Australia n TV channels are very selective about what they put to air, and allow us to watch.  It is now summer in the northern hemisphere and every weekend there is car, motorcycle and push bike racing.  We don’t get to see any of it, unless we have access to Eurosport channel on satellite or cable! The Channels haven’t yet noticed how popular that dumb Top Gear programme is.  They are just happy feeding us on a diet of FOOOTY !

    • nossy says:

      04:59pm | 02/07/11

      Say Dylan can I claim a “fee” for that photo you posted with your article - that was me fella in the green Mankini !  hahahahhahahha

      Reply

    • Dylan Malloch says:

      03:24pm | 04/07/11

      That was you?  Hilarious!  Actually, The Punch choose its own photos.  The authors don’t have a say in the process.

    • stephen says:

      07:50pm | 02/07/11

      It looks good on TV cause it don’t look hard and sometimes it isn’t except when someone from a good team goes off the front and there is a chase on.
      This may sound old fogey, but in my opinion this race was the best to watch around 1993 to about 5 or 6 years ago.
      What’s missing are the characters : the riders who believe their talent and past hardships on a bike, (and believe me, if you’ve made it to le Tour, you’ve paid your dues) take precedence over the team.
      I know, of course, that your team is a support as well as a carriage, and that Lance and the Americans especially have made this race a professional sport, yet i still yearn for the rider who ignores the people around, takes a risk, and goes for it…hell bent for leather.
      This race is won on the climbs.
      Maybe if there were more rebels, it would be won anywhere.

      Reply

    • mel says:

      11:51pm | 02/07/11

      I was in London in 1985 and watched the Tour for the first time on TV there. It was the year when Bernard Hinault fell in the first week, broke his nose, I think, ended up with two black eyes that made him match his ‘Badger’ nickname, and still went on to win the event for the fifth time. Magic!

      It’s a super tough event, the athletes give their all, and each iteration has a character all of its own. There is nothing to compare to it.

      And murr40 and Harquebus have shown that they are small minded little dweebs, with nothing to say, and yet they insist on saying something. Why?

      Reply

    • murr40 says:

      07:10am | 03/07/11

      Mel,ive got nothing to say,im just pointing out a FACT, its about whos got the best drugs,and who can mask them better than the next team,all this BS about its super tough blaablaablaa,it wont cut it anymore,the sport has no credibility,its rife with drugs and has been for a long time now,and it wont change.

      PS i would rather be a little dweeb than a big TOSSER.

    • Nick says:

      09:09am | 03/07/11

      I love following cycling but you’re correct of course Murr - just look at the doping record of the TDF podium over the last 100 years, virtually every winner and, more recently, most place getters have either tested positive or admitted to doping.  Professional cycling is little more than a soap opera or reality show like the WWF, “Days of our lives”, and “Survivor” etc.  It’s a tough game but it isn’t sport, in fact I find following the doping allegations, court cases, and all the ridiculous claims and counter-claims is more fun than the event itself.

    • mel says:

      11:12am | 03/07/11

      Murr40, have the riders taken drugs? Sure, always. There were stories of riders in the early years taking wine laced with strychnine to dull the pain. Jacques Anquetil, 5 times winner of the TdF, always admitted it. As he once said “You would have to be an imbecile or a crook to imagine that a professional cyclist who races for 235 days a year can hold the pace without stimulants”.

      Any person interested in cycling knows of the issues the sport has with drug taking, and the efforts taken to try to get rid of the problem, some more successful than others. Given your issues with drug cheats, thank goodness there isn’t an article on Olympic sprinting, or weightlifting, or even pistol shooting: it would turn you apoplectic. Or maybe it’s just that you don’t like cycling?

      At least you admitted that you have nothing to say.

      As to whether you are a little dweeb or a tosser, you seem to be both. I don’t think there’s a choice in your case.

    • acotrel says:

      11:02pm | 03/07/11

      I don’t understand the energy requirements, and the reserves the riders have. I still haven’t figured out how a rider can move out from behind the leading four riders, pedal past them and accelerate away up a mountain.  I would have thought it was essential to stay out of the breeze as much as possible, then pick the others off one by one?

    • Harquebus says:

      02:06pm | 04/07/11

      Me, I just like to rattle chains. Brain dead sport and religious morons give the best laughs.

    • remlap says:

      07:50am | 03/07/11

      I tend to think of this as the one time of the year Kevin Andrews writes anything remotely interesting.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      06:23pm | 03/07/11

      Well just to prove it, why don’t you tell him to get on his bike, then ?
      (And by the way, pro-bike riders are not traditionally conservative, either.)

    • remlap says:

      09:26am | 05/07/11

      I don’t need to prove it. I might not like the man politically, but that doesn’t mean he can’t impress me and it is this time of the year that you can guarantee he will, when he writes about something he actually understands… cycling.

    • Que says:

      08:17pm | 03/07/11

      @Mel Your comments about the acceptance of riders always taking drugs and accusing someone of not liking cycling and being a ‘dweeb or a tosser’ summarise beautifully the self-indulgant childish petulant arrogance of many a cyclist. But you like being hated don’t you? The victim syndrome is present in many a culture that attacts weak minded individuals.

      Reply

    • mel says:

      06:46pm | 04/07/11

      Do I like being hated? No, not really, and I don’t think I am (although there may be a few ex-girlfriends that don’t like me much, but that’s another story).  It’s well known that cycling has had a huge drug problem, and for many, many years. The UCI has tried to clean it up, fairly successfully, but doping will go on in whatever sport whenever anyone competes against another. Do you think murr40’s comment says something new, says something any of us doesn’t know already? And what does he think of the actual event? He doesn’t say anything about the TdF at all, so why bother saying anything.

      The Tour is one of the greatest sporting spectacles going. The pain, the determination of the riders, the suffering and emotions that they feel, the glory of it all just passed murr40 by, and you too, it seems.

      And I’m not a cyclist. That doesn’t say much for your pseudo-psychoanalysis skills too.

 
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