I’m sure glad I’m not invited to the royal wedding
As the Royal Wedding approaches, details are starting to emerge about the rules and regulations that surround an event of this magnitude.
In the past week information has been trickling through about exactly what is required of guests, beyond the traditional RSVP, and you have to wonder if it’s all actually worth it.
Recipients of an invite were greeted with more than just the time, date and dress code thanks to an accompanying 22 page guide detailing exactly how they should behave at a Royal function. What a buzz kill.
Contrary to the time honoured tradition of making your own decision about what to wear to a wedding, guests have been expressly forbidden from dressing in cream or white.
This seems strange on a day that usually calls for nothing but cream or white, but apparently Palace Officials don’t want anyone stealing the spotlight from the bride to be.
Have they forgotten what these events are actually like? I’m no Royal insider but I can pretty much guarantee that Catherine will be walking down the aisle in something akin to a cream puff on crack, with a train the approximate length of the Nile.
This family doesn’t do “subtle” when it comes to weddings and if Julia Gillard rocking up in a white pants suit can pull the focus of the worlds media away from the future Queen of England, then more power to her.
Once the ceremony is over, guests are to attend a breakfast at Buckingham Palace where their behaviour guide details that each time they raise their tea cup to take a sip they must return it to the saucer.
What do they think their guests are going to do once they’ve taken a sip? Smash the tea cup into the nearest pot plant? I understand that the Royal Family are pretty isolated within that gated compound of theirs, but they are aware that the rest of the world progressed out of caves thousands of years ago, aren’t they?
Things get even more complicated if you like a little sugar in your tea, as the extensive instructions state that ‘if you add sugar, you must stir from the northeast to southwest, not around and around’. Pardon me? Who the hell brings a compass to a wedding?
With all these instructions to remember how is anyone supposed to actually have a good time? Palace officials are already using the wedding procession as a dry run for the Queen’s funeral. Do they need to make the ceremony feel like one as well?
No doubt it will be an amazing event unlike anything you or I are likely to see in our entire lives, but pardon me for thinking that the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone deserves a little unbridled celebrating.
What happened to the simple wedding guest pleasures of drinking the free bar dry and dancing like an idiot to “records” spun by a middle aged DJ with a receding hairline and a penchant for doing “the sprinkler”?
What about the joy that comes from watching the groom’s drunken uncle make a dick of himself with his hideously inappropriate behaviour (although Prince Phillip might pick up some of the slack in that department)?
What about the rite of passage that is pashing a member of the bridal party, only to find out later that his uncanny resemblance to Daniel Craig was actually the result of some fairly thick beer goggles? Where do all these joys fit into an event that expects you to stir your tea with a GPS?
Some people may argue that being a guest at the Royal Wedding is the chance of a lifetime, an opportunity to rub shoulders with societies crème de la crème and see how the other half lives, but if it means I can’t spill red wine down the front of my dress and stumble out of the venue with my shoes in my hand then I’m afraid I’m not interested!
Sure, traipsing home with “Total Eclipse of the Heart” still ringing in your ears might not be as “la di da” as eating caviar with a raised pinky, but if the secret service are on standby to take you away for stirring your tea in the wrong latitudinal co-ordinants, then Her Majesty can shove it.
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…