In a few months’ time, you will be confronted by a bunch of people will beg you to let a pair of cows onto a ship. But do not allow those wild-eyed bovine to set even one hoof on deck, lest they rend the supple flesh from your throat. That sounds crazy, but give me a moment to explain.
If ancient civilisations, reclusive internet jabberers and random online sex offenders are to be believed, 2012 marks the end of the world.
Some say an asteroid with a crudely-drawn smiley face will plunge into the Earth during the final chorus of Auld Lang Syne, while others believe apes will suddenly spear everyone to death on December 31. It doesn’t matter - it’s curtains either way.
Obviously, we will need to construct giant arks or bunkers to ensure some small section of humanity survives.
While most of us will be concerned with straining our urine through socks and constructing shotgun shells from discarded sardine tins, a few of us will have to focus on that commonly overlooked task - selecting which species of animals get to live on, and which get condemned to extinction.
It is customary - at times when the world faces certain destruction - to hand pick a group of animals to reside on an ark. “But surely,” I hear some of you say, “we can just load up two of each and save them all?”
Well, that’s probably true, but you’re forgetting something: This is our chance to get rid of the all the crappy animals we never really liked.
Some call it Armageddon, I call it spring cleaning.
I’m talking ibises, huntsman spiders, mosquitoes, hairless cats, Matthew Newton, and wasps.
Sure, some of these (particularly Matthew Newton) are important components of delicate ecosystems, but that’s just not going to cut it in this brave new world.
Whales, for instance, are immediately out due to space considerations. Then, there are those self-preening Kardashians of the ocean, manta rays.
Manta rays are bullshit. What, they think they’re so much better than us because they drift around acting all mysterious? Well, that’s not gonna fly on this ship, pal.
You can just tell that when we’re all sweating and heaving firewood up mountains, they’ll be chilling in inflatable pools and being all “sorry man, I’m probably just gonna rest here for a bit – is that cool?” No, “man”, that’s not cool.
Look, I know this sounds harsh, but tough times call for tough choices.
The only other way to do this would be to gather all the animals in a circle, snap a pool cue in half and throw it in the middle - a recruitment method popularised by Dancing With The Stars. But why do that when there are so many creatures we can cross off the list from the outset?
Which brings us to cows. It’s only a matter of time before they get all Spartacus on us and rebel. From their point of view, cows are basically trapped in an endless Texas Chainsaw Massacre scenario where nobody survives. Indeed, the only way to escape the abattoir is to contract some hideous, brain-melting disease.
Bloody, merciless vengeance is the only thing on their mind, which is why they must be left behind.
Anyway, there’s plenty of time to think about this later, as all of this is at least several days away.
In the meantime, have a Happy New Year and stay safe and merry.
Just don’t take your eyes off the cows.
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