Halloween: Because Hollywood needs an excuse
It’s Halloween this Saturday, and though we’ve never quite gotten into the whole ghoul thing in Australia, people do attempt to celebrate.
There’s the odd, weak-themed club night, annoying neighbourhood kids who to trick or treat until they get to a door behind which a grouch refuses to give them anything (is there a name for the Halloween scrooge?) and those people whose birthdays fall on Halloween, instantly bestowing a lifetime pass for dress-up parties.
In the States, they go a bit nuts at this time of year. The amount of pics I’ve seen in the last week of celebrities shopping for a pumpkin outnumbers those carrying a Starbucks - and that’s saying something in La La Land.
Reigning queen of Halloween is Heidi Klum. The German model and host of Project Runway has adopted the American tradition the way Angelina Jolie adopts babies - with oomph, gusto and extreme dedication.
She’s held an annual bash since 2001, now famous because Heidi goes all out with her costume - one year arriving on a horse as Lady Godiva in a body stocking, with blonde wig falling to her ankles. Last year she painted her entire body blue, and, with extra limbs flailing around, she really was the Hindu Goddess, Kali.
This year, Heidi might not have a party, given that she had a child two weeks ago (a girl Lou Sulola, her fourth child with husband Seal). So to cure what will no doubt be a boring Halloween sans Heidi (what, Paris dressed as a slutty French maid again?), and as a self-admitted studier of celebrities (it’s my job, okay?) I thought I’d get together a list of what celebrities should dress up as.
Here goes, other suggestions most welcome.
Tom Cruise as Barack Obama. Oh how he’s dreamt of this moment!
Barack Obama as God. Like you need an explanation.
Brad Pitt as Elvis. I can totally see Brad on stage in a tight white outfit with sideburns and a big gut, still thinking he can score the chicks years after he’s left Angelina.
Madonna as Joan Crawford. Does she let her kids eat chocolate? That’s abuse right there.
Katie Holmes as Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives. Ouch.
Britney Spears as Jeannie, as in I Dream of Jeannie. Oh come on. It must have been magic to get her from bald, umbrella wielding, paparazzi bashing drug addict to where she is now, back to her performing best.
Beyonce as The Oracle from The Matrix. I can see her and Jay Z with lots of grandchildren, all bending spoons with their minds.
Kanye West as Taylor Swift. Blonde curly wig and all. He’d win back fans and critics.
Taylor Swift as Beyonce. She owes her one.
Robert Pattinson as a werewolf. That’ll confuse the hell out of those Twilight freaks.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as oompa loompas. Don’t tell me you don’t see it, those two are just a bad fake tan job away from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
Angelina Jolie as Octomum. Have the tables turned? Does Angie now look up to Nadya Sulemyn? Nadya would be so flattered!
Octomum as Kate Gosselin. Sorry, but that does complete the circle.
Kristen Stewart as Sookie Stackhouse. A blonde wig and a gap in the teeth might make her smile.
Ellen and Portia as Linsday Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Portia’s thin enough to dress up as Lindsay, she’d just need orangy fake tan, blow up lips and a permanent cigarette. Ellen could don a fedora, baggy rocker tee and paint dark undereye circles on.
Tina Fey as Lady Gaga. Deep inside, I know Tina would much prefer to dress in a bubble dress, bunny ears, or a mirrorball getup than as boring-ass Sarah Palin any day.
Lady Gaga as Hunter S Thompson. The only person trippier than herself.
Nicole Kidman as Jadis, the White Witch from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Explanation unnecessary.
Katy Perry as Snow White. She models her entire look on her anyway so it won’t be a stretch.
David and Victoria Beckham as Jordan and her now ex, Peter Andre, whom she might walk around on a leash. Oh how I would laugh (love, laugh, whatever) at David’s spray tanned six pack and Victoria in a trashy ballerina outfit with size E breasts.
Lindsay Lohan as Michael Jackson. It would be her salute to the King of Pop and have practically exactly the same colour skin anyway.
Paris Hilton as Amy Winehouse. Can you see it? The beehive, the bad teeth, the eyeliner, the bloody ballet shoes, the fag out the mouth. Anything that messes up Paris’ Barbie persona would amuse me and Amy is the anti-Paris.
Hugh Jackman as Dame Edna Everage. Like he hasn’t been dying to whip this one out.
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