Everyone must radically change the way they live - and even their culture - to save the planet, the Greens say. They want people to live in car-less “urban villages’‘, feed off community gardens and re-localise schools and hospitals.

The Green Police, they live inside of my head…

Deputy leader of the Australian Greens Christine Milne outlined her green dream in a speech in Canberra earlier this year. “Our wealth has not brought us happiness,’’ Senator Milne told the National Press Club. “The political, social and economic makeover required is so transformative that it creates the opportunity to go greenfields.’’

Here is a preview of what this world looks like…

Whalesong looked over the row of macrobiotic lettuces he had planted in the Christine Milne Memorial Community Garden.

Harvest was not looking good this year, despite the invocation of Gaia’s goodness by the most revered village community elder Harmonywave.

Whalesong winced as he remembered the turmoil of two days before when Harmonywave had fallen, possibly breaking her hip on the village rune stone.

It had been a frantic trip by ambocycle to the nearby Bob Brown Community Wholeness and Wellness Centre.

The ambocycle chain kept slipping off, the Village Central Committee had voted against replacing it last year knowing that they would be open to the ecocrime accusation of wanton waste during the monthly Do Without Drives.

As Harmonywave was unable to make more than a token effort on her pedals, Whalesong had strained hard.

On the way they picked up the local shaman and brain/heart/lung/general wellbeing consultant who was doing his allotted nature nurture time in the community garden.

The shaman said he might need to operate, if the chakra crystals would not properly align for positive healing energy.

At the centre he began washing the mud off the garden tools for the possible surgery.

At age 63, Harmonywave had endured well before the coming of Greenlightenment, as the election of the Greens 15 years before in 2035, also the year of Whalesong’s birth, was now called.

Harmonywave had often told how terrible life had been before the evil Labor/Liberal coalition had been beaten and people had adopted their envirobeing new personas.

People back then lived for themselves and did what they wanted, Harmonywave explained, rather than accepting they had been dreamed into being by Gaia as agents of her planetary custodianship.

The 16-year-old Whalesong didn’t always understand what Harmonywave was on about.

However he tried hard to absorb all the attitude adjustment internalizations offered by the local higher-consciousness collective, previously called Waverly High School.

Last night Whalesong had watched the community TV set during the power permission period to see the discussion about the upcoming local ecolections.

It had been a troublingly unharmonious session with sometimes argument breaking out between the current Prime Person of the Environmental Republic of Australia, Nofootprint, and the leader of the new radical splinter group, The Real Greens, who was called Earthworrier.

Nofootprint stood accused of taking an extra bath in complete violation of water sustainability laws.

In return Nofootprint accused Earthworrier of encouraging her young followers to smash up the few small businesses allowed the recidivist recalcitrants, who were enslaved by the old money before morality mindset.

A representative of the Vegan Defence League in the audience called out something about the massacre of vegetables for human greed.

Both leaders promised to keep researching whether it is possible to solely live off the macrobiotic nutrients secreted by algae, despite rumoured cases of malnutrition.

Nofootprint was also asked why the navy’s remaining “peaceboat”, the Steve Watson, had refused to fire on the whale murderers.

There were general boos when Earthworrier explained that the Japanese naval protection given to the murderers made it risky for the patrol boat to do more than shield the Sea Shepherd hero-activists, who in any event were more heavily armed.

The debate broadcast was cut short by an unscheduled power preservation, the wind turbines had been still that day.

So the village instead had their nightly vows of planet penance.

Personal pollutions were confessed and then absolutions chanted as each vowed to promote earthwareness.

However there was a general commotion as someone reported they had been tidying Harmonywave’s living-space and had found hidden contraband items.

These included such criminal cosmetics as shampoo, luxury foods like chocolate and brightly coloured body coverings, some said they were silk scarves, which were definitely not hewn from the community garden hemp.

All the items must have come from the black marketers, despised earthkillers who the Greenpolice were forever chasing.

Whalesong was deeply disturbed.

However, he couldn’t help wondering what shampoo must feel like.

40 comments

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    • hoofman says:

      05:01am | 10/11/09

      I have some sympathy with some objectives espoused by The Greens. I can’t find it within myself, though,  to want to see the likes of Christine Milne and NSW’s Sylvia Hales obtain more power.

    • iansand says:

      06:23am | 10/11/09

      20 or 30 years ago, when the Greens first emerged as a political force, their policies included forced rustication in a way that made Pol Pot look benevolent.  It looks like that sort of policy still lingers in the back of their collective mind.

    • mandy says:

      06:23am | 10/11/09

      if this is greentopia - lets just stay the way we are

    • Leonid says:

      07:20am | 10/11/09

      Yep, the Reds couldn’t impose their failed concept of mindless dictatorship on us, but they and their useful idiots are still at it behind their fresh Green facade.

    • watto says:

      07:23am | 10/11/09

      Bit of insecurity showing there David? Now how would Redneck Wonderland 2050 look like? Oh scary!

    • AJ says:

      08:29am | 10/11/09

      Wow.  What sad, pathetic tripe clothed as humour espoused by a journalist who hates Greens without actually talking to any of their members, or, god forbid, reading their policies.  The Pavlovian response of Mr Southwell to anyone who disagrees with his thinly-veiled Liberal worldview seems to be fear.

      That said, he writes for news.com.au, so can battle for the front page with whatever Britney is wearing on any given day, and he’s about as relevant and informative.  Actually, perhaps less so, given the news about Britney’s clothing is usually accurate.

    • Voxpop says:

      08:35am | 10/11/09

      Can’t believe I just read that dribble.
      But I do like watto’s suggestion, how about exagerrating to the extreme the mindset of the rednecks in our society.  It would be so easy as they are already carricatures of themselves.  For example extrapolate their fear of asylum seekers to the point where they become a pseudo militia that nervously patrols our coastline toting guns and ‘go back where you came from’ placcards.

    • Darren says:

      08:57am | 10/11/09

      @ least we no longer have Greens candidates calling for babies with disabilities to be put down as they are a drain on our resources - so maybe they have advanced somewhat

    • Evie says:

      08:59am | 10/11/09

      I know this is supposed to be funny, but it isn’t.

      I’m not sure what point it serves other than to highlight the sweeping ignorance of some people who happen to be very influential in our society.

    • wattty says:

      09:06am | 10/11/09

      Just have to love"m .

      watto and the self nominated “voice of the people” .both totally devoid of even a smidgeon of humour.

      WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE IF THE REDNECKS TOOK OVER?

      Nowhere near as scary as Bobbie and Chrissy running the show

    • Richard says:

      09:09am | 10/11/09

      Clever and funny.  Exaggerated, of course, but that is surely the essence of satire.  It contains just enough truth to perhaps engender some more thoughtful analysis of the Greens simplistic rhetoric.
      I must say though that if the Green Police look like that, a visit from them wouldn’t be all that bad.

    • Macca says:

      09:23am | 10/11/09

      The Left lacks a sense of humour. Well done Mr Southwell, you’ve lightened my Tuesday

    • russell says:

      09:44am | 10/11/09

      You have to remember the Greens also want drugs legalised. And presumably subsidised so that all would have equal access unfettered by the injustices of the capitalist market. So “greentopia” would be quite bearable, David. For some of us anyway, those of us left after Australia been culled back to a “sustainable” population…

    • Margaret Gray says:

      09:48am | 10/11/09

      “...The Left lacks a sense of humour…”

      Indeed.

      To wit…AJ:

      “...The Pavlovian response of Mr Southwell to anyone who disagrees with his thinly-veiled Liberal worldview seems to be fear.  That said, he writes for news.com.au, so can battle for the front page with whatever Britney is wearing on any given day…”

      And yet you troll here - and post. 

      No fear, there’s an irrelevant pay-for-clicks webshite that’s perfectly suited for you.

    • watto says:

      10:12am | 10/11/09

      @margaret, you know as David knows, the Christian Right has more pull and more buck$ than the greens and will have a deeper effect on a wacky future. Lets see if David has the courage to mash the christians up at news.com? While I would pay money to see that, I suspect David gets his jollies beating his pretend pet green poodle.  Now take your paranoia pills read your 2050 fantasy and have a deep meditation. And smile, you are living in an amazing sci-fi era in history.

    • intepid says:

      10:15am | 10/11/09

      ‘The Left lacks a sense of humour. Well done Mr Southwell, you’ve lightened my Tuesday”

      “Clever and funny.  Exaggerated, of course, but that is surely the essence of satire.”

      WTF?

      You mouth-breathing halfwits equate ridiculing an overstuffed strawman with having a good sense of humor? Southwell’s article is just sophomoric mockery. If you want to see greenies satirized properly, watch Southpark.

    • Toddzilla says:

      10:27am | 10/11/09

      @AJ: Mate, I’ve been forced to read the Greens policies several times. They are clearly written by people who are uncategorically insane and are striving to return the world to the sort of centrally-planned utopia the Soviets promised. Luckily now, Greenies worldwide have repeated the climate change myth so many times that even moderately intelligent (though not actually intelligent) people are buying it so they can dare to dream the Soviet dream. Next step is to institute a world government, break down capitalism and redistribute wealth to those who didn’t work for it in order to allay their guilt. The only reason this sham has succeeded is because there are more stupid/guilt-ridden people than not - and you are included in that group.

    • Macon Paine says:

      10:46am | 10/11/09

      @AJ. Why so defensive? Perhaps this article struck a chord with you and now you realise what a complete bunch of goofs you and the greens are.
      For Gods sake you are a perfect example of the loony lefts inability to have a sense of humour, I truely pity people like you.
      At any rate it’s called satire so please do the rest of society a favour, lighten up and get a sense of humour.
      @Voxpop. Sure go ahead and do that, no one is stopping you. Infact that would actually be quite funny as well.
      Why stop there though? Another good one would be trendy inner city tossers screaming about the lack of push bike lanes and sooking about how the evil council can chop down trees even though they are destroying footpaths and roads. They could even form their own party called Save Helpless Innercity Tossers, or S.H.I.T for short. Their slogan could be “Vote 1 for S.H.I.T at least you know what you’ll get”!

    • Adam MacLeod says:

      10:50am | 10/11/09

      Hmmm, do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?  Are you implying that the Earth’s resources (including air, water and fossil fuels) are unlimited?  Can everyone in the world have Hummers, Plasmas and Burgers?

      Is it an either/or proposition?  Or can we just find a balance?

      (BTW, if i was to choose between Christine Milne and Nick Minchin, I’d choose Christine Milne every time.  It’s a lower risk option.)

    • papachango says:

      11:17am | 10/11/09

      @watto you don’t need to do a piece on a chrisitian right inspired future - just see the Taliban or Saudi Arabia. They’ll be subtle differences (I’m not sure where everyone will have to face five times a day) but the gist of it would be the same…

      While there is plently to criticise and even mock in the Greens big-government, totalitarian, socialist policies, I do agree with intrepid - Southpark do a far better job of satirising greenies. The episode where all the Toyota ‘Pious’ drivers contributed to a massive ‘Smug’ cloud caused by George Clooney’s acceptance speech was a case in point - comedy gold!

    • papachango says:

      11:22am | 10/11/09

      just a thought - the signs held by the two lettuce ladies says ‘vegetarians taste better’. Isn’t that a bit self-defeating as a slogan?

      persumably they meant ‘vegetarians can taste their food better’, but that’s not how I read it…

      Anyway I prefer ‘if we were meant to be vegetarians then grass would be beef-flavoured’

    • Ash Simmonds says:

      11:29am | 10/11/09

      I agree, cows are among the tastiest vegetarians out there.

    • JA says:

      12:22pm | 10/11/09

      I cant believe there are still people out there who are arrogant enough to believe we can continue to live our ridiculously self-indulgent economically-driven lifestyles and promote it as the way of the future.  The hard truth is that Senator Milne is correct, the majority just cant bring themselves to hear it.  Change IS needed.  If we can bear to consider life without growing shares, hummers, mcmansions, etc, then it actually becomes a fairly simple arguement.  Our arrogance and reluctance to really shake things up complicates the situation, as we try all that we can to skirt the reality of the issue.  Simply, we are too greedy.

    • watto says:

      12:56pm | 10/11/09

      @papachango Why beat up just on brown people? Parts of America resemble Redneck Wonderland 2050 already, with guns, lots of them, plus paranoia. Is this the future David imagines because powerful forces in Australia want us to head there. David and other prominent rednecks do not realise that there own insecurity around their ideology and lack of choice and imagination in Labor and Liberals is actually feeding the greens power and votes! But don’t worry Jebus will come out of the sky and save youse.  Greentopia might be preferable with some real cartoon humour?

    • Margaret Gray says:

      01:04pm | 10/11/09

      “...I cant believe there are still people out there who are arrogant enough to believe we can continue to live our ridiculously self-indulgent economically-driven lifestyles…”

      I agree totally.

      And I lay the blame squarely on anyone under the age of 35.

      Never has their been a more voracious and demanding consumer of absolute crap than today’s crop of kidults, adultescents, tweens and pre-teeners.

      Who needs 5 different gaming consoles?

      No wonder they are all so fat.

    • Nelson says:

      03:59pm | 10/11/09

      This is the poorest piece of writing I have seen in a long time. I’m not attacking it because I disagree with it. I disagree with Jeremy Clarkson too but I love his columns because they are funny. This, on the other hand, is drivel. Seriously Southwell - you could have happily buried a sentence saying “blah, blah blah, are you still reading this” in the middle somewhere and most people wouldn’t have picked it up. In future, please try to make an effort. I’ll still disagree with you but at least I’d have some respect for making me laugh.

    • papachango says:

      04:36pm | 10/11/09

      @watto - are you seriously saying parts of America are like the Taliban-controlled Afghanistan or Saudi religious police? You have no idea. Possibly the odd Mormon compound, but then they tend to get raided by the cops.

      There certainly are some religious fundies in the States but they don’t get to run the place, due to a little thing called separation of church and state. Look it up some time - that’s the difference between most Western countries and nutty religious theocracies - it’s a got nothing to do with being brown or any other colour; the Turks and Indonesians are kind of brown and they’ve managed to get a secular state.

      Some of the more extreme Greens are bascially Gaia-worshipping religious fundies too, so I’d like to see them separated from the State as well.

    • AB says:

      05:28pm | 10/11/09

      Please share whatever you are smoking with the rest of us so we can make sense of your article.

    • watto says:

      06:35pm | 10/11/09

      @papachango Do your own research but heres a few similarities: Highest level of internal spying since McCarthyism. Including blatantly illegal electronic wiretaps and spying on peace groups. Monitoring war journalists to rate them on how on-message they are. Waterboarding. Refusing reasonable requests from human rights orgs. Patriotic Act. Bush telling umbrella church organisations how to vote. Stealing an election. Factions and special interest groups (inc. Religious orgs) steamrolling policy and elections with cash and fear-of-the-others. Social healthcare but no abortion cover. Whats so different?

    • watto says:

      06:36pm | 10/11/09

      @papachango Do your own research but heres a few similarities: Highest level of internal spying since McCarthyism. Including blatantly illegal electronic wiretaps and spying on peace groups. Monitoring war journalists to rate them on how on-message they are. Waterboarding. Refusing reasonable requests from human rights orgs. Patriotic Act. Bush telling umbrella church organisations how to vote. Stealing an election. Factions and special interest groups (inc. Religious orgs) steamrolling policy and elections with cash and fear-of-the-others. Blatant propaganda. Sweetheart corrupt deals for mates. Social healthcare but no abortion cover. Whats so different?

    • watto says:

      06:52pm | 10/11/09

      @papachango BUT faith healing is funded & covered under U.S. social healthcare ‘reform’. See how schizophrenic socialist nonseparation of State and Church works? Giggle.

    • papachango says:

      08:53pm | 10/11/09

      @watto you are seriously deluded mate. No one is saying that the US is the perfect society, but if you cannot see the vast differences between the US and a totalitatian theocracy such as Iran or Saudi Arabia then you are a fool and I’m wasting my keyboard trying to convince you.

    • KeIThY says:

      01:53am | 11/11/09

      When is metrosexuality going to disappear off the face of this earth because it is worse than the 80s: atleast that had great music!

    • watto says:

      07:49am | 11/11/09

      @papachango Again, I’m interested to hear what you think the VAST differences are? You can be pious if you want but the heady mix of selfishness, money, power and religon produce predictable violent human behaviour regardless of color. (Lets be real, America in certain parts, has murder rates equivalent to an internal civil war raging. Whose doing the killing and why? Not the Taliban they are statistically small-fry killers of Americans. Some cracks in the American dream and some unhappy people?) Having said that America has more potential as a democracy, if it can just get over itself and it’s paranoia. Like Australia.  And use our collective imaginations instead of recycling age-old ape behaviour and limited political party choices. If you don’t like freedom of speech and the diversity of opinions, even deranged ones, I hear one way Chinese air tickets are cheap at the moment!

    • papachango says:

      11:04am | 11/11/09

      @watto - seriously if given a choice where would you rather live?

      I’m not going to waste my keyboard fingers anymore, but that hardly makes me anti freedom of speech. Did I ever say you should be banned from voicing your opinions? You’re completely free to rant about whatever you like, just as I’m free to call you deluded. Freedom of speech doesn’t oblige me to take your opinion seriously.

    • DocBud says:

      11:39pm | 11/11/09

      “Our wealth has not brought us happiness,’’ Senator Milne told the National Press Club.

      Speak for yourself, dearie, me and the Mrs couldn’t be happier.

    • Ripper says:

      12:07am | 12/11/09

      Brilliant!  I haven’t laughed so much in a while. 

      The scary thing is 1984 probably seemed to be far fetched in 1949

    • Richard says:

      10:19am | 12/11/09

      “Our wealth has not brought us happiness,’’ Senator Milne told the National Press Club.

      Doc Bud, she was misquoted.  What she really said was “Your wealth has not brought me happiness.”

    • Brett Robinson says:

      03:24pm | 13/04/12

      This article was a waste of carbon to produce and publish and unfortunately the comments prove the sad direction our country and the world is heading. Call the environmentalists bong smoking hippies until the resources are used up, environment is destroyed and we have a crash due to our unsustainable lifestyles and 6 - 7 billion people die worldwide. Smart.

 

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