Golden heroes, golden zeroes

What are the Olympics after Sydney like? Who cares about that either? The sheer exuberance of the Sydney public is the benchmark for every Olympics thereafter. Hell, even Sydney’s notoriously miserable cabbies were in good spirits.

Andrew Flintoff consoles Brett Lee, The Ashes, 2005

Richie Benaud says it’s the best Test series he’s ever seen, so you hardly need me or anyone else to prattle on at length. Suffice to say that Australia is in the midst of the longest ever domination of the sport of cricket by one nation. But England lift, on the back of towering allrounder Flintoff and swing bowling genius Simon Jones. Australia jump out of the blocks but when England level the series with a two run victory, Flintoff consoles not out batsman Brett Lee on the pitch, telling him he played “awesome”. The whole series is awesome, as England win 2-1.

Tiger Woods wins on one leg, US Open, 2008

His left knee is shot and he hobbles around Torrey Pines, California, like a war veteran. But he hobbles tough, and when he absolutely has to make a 12 foot putt on the 18th to force a playoff, he makes it. At any other tournament, it’d then be a sudden death playoff. But Tiger has to play 18 grueling holes - a unique US Open condition - and once again, he sinks a stay-alive putt on 18. Then comes sudden death, which he wins. Tiger then disappears for over six months for surgery and rehab, while US golf TV ratings drop by more than half at some tournaments.

Federer cries at the Australian Open, 2009

Roger Federer doesn’t yet know it when he cries after his Australian Open final loss to Rafael Nadal, but 2009 will go on to be his signature year, in which he finally wins a French Open and overtakes Pete Sampras as the winner of the most men’s tennis Grand Slam tournaments in history. The thing about Federer’s tears is that it makes him human. The last time he cried at an Australian Open presentation ceremony was in victory, for no other reason than his idol Rod Laver was on hand and the tears just started flowing. Here, he cries in exhaustion, or in disappointment or again, because he’s Roger and he’s a human, not a robot. You could pick so many Federer moments for a list like this, not least the shot between his legs at this year’s US Open. But the man will always be symbolised by his realness as much as his pile of trophies, cash etc.

Usain Bolt walks the walk, Beijing Olympics, 2008

It’s not just that he wins the 100m in world record time. It’s the way he does it. Aussie cricket fans have long been pre-conditioned to accept the image of the laidback Jamaican sportsman, but how can we possibly challenge the stereotype when Bolt slows down en route to the finish line? It is a moment that reminds us that sport can be about pure joy. Then a few days later, Bolt plays his serious card, and reminds us that sport can be pure application. He wants Michael Johnson’s 200m record, he goes for Michael Johnson’s 200m record and he gets Michael Johnson’s 200m record, retaining his focus all the way to the line. Then in Beijing this year, he runs at 0.1 seconds quicker again in both races. Please Lord, may he never fail a drug test.

Honourable mention. Steven Bradbury’s remarkable gold medal, 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics

THE WORST

Jonny Wilkinson’s drop goal, 2003

This is not a case of Ausssie Aussie Aussie D’Oh D’Oh D’Oh or sour grapes or whatever you want to call it. This is all about recognising the drop goal that sealed England’s World Cup final win over Australia for what it was: the moment that wrecked rugby. Since rugby turned pro in the mid 90s, it showed encouraging signs of being a game that could become more exciting. Some blokes even scored tries. Not after Jonny’s drop goal, they didn’t. Rugby has been regressing at the rate of Stirling Mortlock’s hair.

Maradona has his stomach stapled, 2005

Why is one man’s desperate, pathetic act of vanity on this list? Because that man is one of the top two players ever in the most popular sport on earth, and he will spend most of the decade making an absolute mockery of his body and his morals. By so doing, he becomes the international poster boy for bad boy antics. Here in Australia, the bug is highly contagious with too many West Coast Eagles and Canterbury Bulldogs players to mention, plus the rest of them. The noughties are the decade of bad behaviour, possibly because mobile phone cameras have been invented but possibly also because big money and small brains have always been a dangerous combo. Ah well, there’s always the tell-all biography to win back the public’s favour.

Lance Armstrong is hounded by the French press, the whole decade

A man wins the Tour de France seven times, and is the most hated man in France. It just doesn’t make sense, unless of course you take the wider geopolitical view, and examine the mood between the US and French in the days since George Bush’s gung-ho response to 9/11. The French people need an American villain they can jeer from the sidelines and they find one in Lance. Heck, he’s even from the same US state as Dubya. Armstrong should be freakin canonised, not demonised.

American baseballers on steroids, the whole decade

In surveys, American sports fans consistently say they don’t care who puts what into their body, or why. Perhaps that’s why a massive drug lab like Balco is allowed to go unchecked like a giant Walmart. So anyway, a whole bunch of sluggers come along, break any old records that mean anything and the actual balls that break the records, after bring caught in the crowd, still sell for a million on ebay. Thanks America, the nation that brought us he decade’s first major drug scandal through sprinter Marion Jones.

Sri Lanka cricket team attacked by terrorists, 2009

Eight are killed, including two civilians and six police as terrorists attack the Sri Lankan cricket team bus en route to the third day’s play at Gadaffi Stadium, Lahore. No Sri Lankan cricketer is killed, but six are injured. Not since the 1972 attack on the Israeli athletes in Munich has the sporting world been so rocked. Chances of a tour to Pakistan in the near future so that we can watch someone rack up a meaningless triple ton like Mark Taylor: zero.

Dishonourable mention

Any adventurer who has to get rescued at taxpayers’ expense and then sells their tedious survival story to tabloid TV

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