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by Angela Mollard

17 Jun 05:50am

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Filed under: Envy, Parenting, Society

26 comments

Gretel Killeen is the mum I want to be. Not just because she’s smart, wickedly funny and rocks a necklace, but because she doesn’t shout. Ever.

Angela wasn't impressed when she saw that family who knew how to order Pho in Vietnamese

“Shouting at kids doesn’t work,” she said, as we discussed discipline on Mornings. To which, naturally, I argued, “How do you know it doesn’t?” (They like us to row.)

As a reforming shouter, I’m in awe of Gretel. Every tidbit I learn about her reaffirms my view she’s the mother I could be if… well, if I were Gretel. I love that she and her kids shop at St Vinnies; that they forego Christmas presents and give the cash to charities. Mostly, I like the softness that steals into her voice whenever she talks about her children.

Envy has to be up there with guilt as one of the Seven Deadly Sins of Motherhood – the others, of course, being shouting, smacking, hypocrisy, wine o’clock and (lack of) lust. Eleven years in, I’m managing the guilt (usually with self-talk or vodka). But envy? Hey, I’m just getting started.

Don’t worry, I’m not in the same league as Snow White’s stepmother. I’m not plotting to bump off anyone because they’re better at maths homework or jauntily whipping up an owl sculpture from muesli boxes. (Although, frankly, any mum who can convince her kids to eat muesli deserves a poisoned apple.)

No, mine plays out like this:

Friend: “We’re training for a triathlon as a family.”

Me: “That’s so cool.”

Thought bubble: “They’ll probably score themselves a Special K ad as well.”

Friend: “Bring the kids over and they can make playdough.”

Me: “Great – they love craft.”

Thought bubble: “She makes her own playdough… and has nice nails… and doesn’t worry about the mess.”

Friend: “The kids got on well on holiday.”

Me: “Really? Mine fought like cannibals.”

Thought bubble: “Three kids and she’s still a size 8. Should have had three kids.”

My envy isn’t so advanced that I’m guilty of schadenfreude (don’t envy me for my spelling – I looked it up); I don’t wish ill on anyone for their talents (although, if the triathlon family did happen to, say, trip, that might be funny). Apparently I suffer from what’s called benign, rather than malicious, envy. Malicious is a Shrek-sized, green-eyed monster who wants to hurt the ‘superior other’ – you burn her playdough or wish her a case of mastitis.

Benign, on the other hand, is a motivating force; through our admiration for our friends, we’re inspired to improve ourselves. This is so me. I have a Swedish friend who’s raising her kids to be independent. They run their own birthday parties and manage their own homework. Watching her has stopped me always ‘rescuing’ my children.

Another mum takes her kids to theatres, galleries, Vietnamese suburbs to eat pho. So far, we’ve managed yum cha, and I reckon swearing in Japanese counts.

The bizarre thing is, I’m not the only one peering through an emerald lens. It’s the epidemic du jour. Last week, a mate stopped me mid-sentence: “You know, I really envy the conversations you have with your kids.”

Really? She doesn’t know it’s a MasterChef avoidance tactic and I’m actually interviewing them – usually for content for this column.

Nevertheless, I’m chuffed. Gretel, I suspect, is good at conversations.

Catch Angela Mollard every Monday at 9.30am on Mornings, on the Nine Network. Email angelamollard@sundaymagazine.com.au. Follow her at www.twitter.com/angelamollard.

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26 comments

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- Mik says:
  
  06:24am | 17/06/12
  
  Don’t worry, sometimes you get a totally different story from the kids.
  Most kids just want a decent human with a big heart whom they can rely on- though they will forgive lots.
  Every now and again, a family truth and reconciliation forum might be called for - kids smell injustice a mile off.
  
  Reply
- big brudda says:
  
  07:25am | 17/06/12
  
  I still can’t believe channel ten dumped Gretel AND gave up Big Brother to ultimately channel nine. It’s time to go…shouting!
  
  Reply
- craig2 says:
  
  08:44am | 17/06/12
  
  Gretel Killieen as your role model, amusing!
  
  Reply
craig3 says:

10:53am | 17/06/12

Agreed,
I always thought of her as a role model for bogan skrags.
Kate says:

01:10pm | 17/06/12

Gretel Killeen is very accomplished - author of many books, live performer, biz person. Are you sure you are fit to judge? You also spelt her name incorrectly.
- Nick says:
  
  08:46am | 17/06/12
  
  To be quite honest there are occasions when I think being fed a poisoned apple would be a blessed relief. My kids guzzle muesli but I’ve always felt that given a choice between an explosion and a throttling I should go for the explosion. Hence I shout a bit and they used some of their first ever sentences to swear at the dogs - do I get the apple or not?
  
  Reply
- Don says:
  
  10:10am | 17/06/12
  
  Is it because you secretly wanted to be boffing Charles Waterstreet as well? He is the Norman Mailer to your inner Greer….
  
  Reply
Kate says:

11:15am | 17/06/12

Oh groan, no. His column always seems to be about old rakes like himself. Who could secretly want to boff that?
Don says:

02:58pm | 17/06/12

Ask Gretel.
- GetRidOfCommies says:
  
  10:23am | 17/06/12
  
  I find that most people are jealous of me and my awesome kids, not the other way around.
  
  One thing people who meet me know, I’m an awesome parents and my kids are awesome too. That’s why I don’t have to worry about disciplining them or anything like that. They are free to do what they want when and where they want.
  
  Reply
craig3 says:

10:55am | 17/06/12

jail will change all that.
They will have a tough time adjusting to life inside.
Scotchfinger says:

05:55pm | 17/06/12

what if they start reading Das Kapital? Would you ground them, or cast them from the family??? Or are you a Hypocrite??????????????
acotrel says:

04:16am | 18/06/12

If you are being brainwashed and you know it is happening, the brainwashing cannot work.
KimL says:

08:08am | 18/06/12

That is not jealousy people are feeling, it is fear!! People are scared of your out of control kids
- PJ says:
  
  11:16am | 17/06/12
  
  I am not sure what to be alarmed about the most. Whether the big concern is that there are parents out there that are victims of the ‘Green Eyed Monster’, or that there are parents out there experimenting with their kids.
  
  If people allow the ‘Green Eyed Monster’ to gobble them up regularly they are endangering their soul, which may stay permanently burning as if in mines of sulphur. It is the way of the world that no matter how good you are there will Always be someone better, more money, better read or peachier bum. But these are trivials and it’s being a good human being that counts. Going to Gallaries and viewing art and sculpture in particular, is good for the soul because it teaches one to admire not envy, the skill of the artist and become proud of the collective human endeavour.
  
  Experimenting with kids sounds inherently dangerous. As I read the article I was reminded of the Victorian ‘Reformers’ and one in particular, who sought to show God did not exist by proving morality and ethics were innate. To do this he adopted two street urchins and forbide any of the servants to apply any correction. Needless to say the kids turned into animals and our Reformer threw them back onto the cold streets.
  
  I would not envy anyone cruel enough to deprive their kids of their cultural right to the ‘Christmas morning presents opening hysterium’. I know Sikhs and Muslims that have instigated the morning presents, to ‘celebrate the idea of a good man whom was kind to kids’ and of course to integrate their own kids into mainstream society. But to make the kids give the presents money to Vinnies as well will probably breed a couple of Salvation army serial killers years hence, where no one in a uniform will be safe.
  
  Reply
- Angry Fat Bitch says:
  
  11:23am | 17/06/12
  
  Can I have the apple? I could use the nap….. Snow White looked quite well rested when she woke up. Talk about beauty sleep.
  
  I get envious too… seems like everyone elses kid is doing better than mine. They communicate better, they were toilet trained earlier, they don’t throw tantrums in the toy department, etc. But then, other parents have said they’re envious of me because my toddler goes to bed at 7, and gave up the dummy without a fight. I guess at the end of the day you win some and you lose some
  
  Reply
- greece 1 russia 0 says:
  
  12:38pm | 17/06/12
  
  at subway restaurants,staff wear either black or envious green tea shirts!
  this morning, staff prefer black as envious green makes them too self conscious and light green shirts get vdirty quickly!
  
  Reply
- greece 1 russia 0 says:
  
  12:38pm | 17/06/12
  
  at subway restaurants,staff wear either black or envious green tea shirts!
  this morning, staff prefer black as envious green makes them too self conscious and light green shirts get vdirty quickly!
  
  Reply
- Not envious at all says:
  
  02:59pm | 17/06/12
  
  And how will her kids cope the first time someone does yell at them? If they get a bad-tempered teacher, or a cranky manager at their first after-school job, will they be able to handle being yelled at?
  
  Part of your job as a parent is teaching your kids to cope with the real world. In the real world, people sometimes shout.
  
  Reply
- Ryan says:
  
  06:08pm | 17/06/12
  
  Very well, probably. “This idiot’s lost it”, they’ll surmise, and quietly go back to whatever it was they were doing.
  
  Reply
- Little Joe says:
  
  06:30pm | 17/06/12
  
  Let’s see ..... my son is in Grade 10. He has been awarded several academic awards and has represented his school in Inter-school Academic Challenges.
  
  At school earlier this year he was awarded his team’s cricket prize. This year he played in the Open Chess Team and will play in the Open Tennis Team. He also plays alto sax in the Senior School Band.
  
  My son was smacked up to the age of around 6yo. I still must raise my voice on occasion and send him to his room.
  
  Reply
William says:

08:43pm | 17/06/12

Just think what he could have achieved if you’d only hit him and shouted at him more.
Little Joe says:

07:13am | 18/06/12

@ William

Your childish little comment is exactly what I expected from the ignorant. Because I smack my son 10 times in his life and still raise my voice because he makes ‘bad choices’ ..... you are a very silly person.

It’s called discipline. It’s called being a responsible parent.

Most of today’s problems stem from bad parenting ..... from graffiti to bullying to antisocial behaviour to violence to teenage alcoholism to childhood obesity. All you have to do is go into most cities and towns around Australia to see what happens when children are not set boundaries. Parents are not willing to give up the time set and enforce boundaries, and inflict their undisciplined children on society. I think that there is a nice CA Program on TV Tonight highlighting the impact of this problem.
craige3 says:

08:37am | 18/06/12

hahahaha
Little Joe gets his parenting tip from a current affair while he records today tonight.

Too funny.
We can only assume he gets his political views from Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt as well.
Too funny
- Tom says:
  
  09:19am | 18/06/12
  
  What great writing. The author is a genuine wit. Thanks.
  
  Reply
- Meh says:
  
  09:23am | 18/06/12
  
  “I have a Swedish friend who’s raising her kids to be independent.”
  
  I have a friend who was raised in this way and her mum regrets it immensly. The kids don’t call on her to try and help look after the grandkids from time to time or call to ask her opinion when little johnny has eaten a box of crayons. Seems she done too good of a job at making them independant.
  
  “Another mum takes her kids to theatres, galleries, Vietnamese suburbs to eat pho.”
  
  Are you watching the Politically Incorrect Parenting Show? Reminds me of the “Making an Einstein” segment. If she is going for herself, then fantastic she is able to do things she loves and can share with her kids.
  
  Reply