Christmas takings are more important than giving
Well, ho, ho, ho. Talk about Christmas spirit. The big department stores are accused of exploiting Christmas by charging more than $20 for a photo with Santa.
I, for one, think it’s an excellent idea. Well, they’ve got to do something to make a buck with all those Judases buying cheap stuff online.
In fact, I think they should take this marvellous measure even further…
*Antler Appraisals: Rudolph’s whole face would turn red if he knew his precious protrusions were being used as car accessories for bogans. Aside from being unsightly, they interfere with the car park boom gates. Therefore, a $5-per-antler fee will be added to the price of parking.
*DYO Decorations: What fun it will be for the kiddies to make baubles, to be displayed under our patented program Do Your Own Decorations. Shopping centres will retain the right to re-use these in perpetuity. We will provide a small room with a large table upon which our slave labour - I mean, lovely kiddies - can work their fingers to the bone.
*Luxury Tax: It has not gone unnoticed that some of our older customers are taking advantage of our generous provision of three chairs per 1000sqm. I am reminded of the biblical warning about “casting pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet”. In order to restore the sanctity of seating, we will install coin-operated chairs in which you can luxuriously loll for 10 minutes for $2.50. Once your time is up, an ejector spring will propel you onto your feet. Or knees.
*One Buck Per Bill: Frankly we find our customers disgusting, especially at this time of year. God knows what kind of bacteria those snotty-nosed children are harbouring. Then there are the monstrous mothers who allow their progeny to pay, passing on their noxious notes. Sick days cost the company a small fortune. Henceforth, we will charge customers a handling fee of one dollar per bill.
*GST on Goodwill: It takes an awful lot of effort to work up a smile these days. Our Gen Y workers say they are suffering from RSI from tightening their cheek muscles. Our solution is to put a price on politeness. At this stage, we’re looking at 50c for a basic “Hi”, 75c for “How are you?”, and the deluxe $10 package which includes “Can I help you?” plus a 10-minute conversation about a topic of your choice, excluding medical issues. There are several seasonal add-ons, such as “Merry Christmas” for 20c and “Happy New Year” for 30c. Have a nice day! (It’s OK. I gave you that one for free.)
Some heathens have suggested these measures might drive customers online.
Bah Humbug, I say! You only truly appreciate something when a price is attached. This is why big guys like Westfield have hiked retail rents by 40 per cent in recent years.
If you don’t believe me, take a look into this Crystal Ball (RRP $50) for a glimpse of the Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future.
Look at all those happy shoppers in 1985, being waited on hand and foot, but not truly appreciating the gift we are giving them.
The second scene shows the present - not quite as busy, I admit - but if you look closely at the customers’ faces you will see a clearer understanding of what it costs us to do business.
Now, let’s take a look at the third. No, this can’t be right. I can’t see any shopping centres: just happy people tapping away on their computers then going down to the Post Office.
This Crystal Ball must be faulty. Could I please have a refund? Merry Christmas!
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