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Bond should go down under, and I ain’t talkin about ladies

David M Green

by David M Green

26 Oct 11:45am

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Filed under: Australia, James Bond, Movies

22 comments

James Bond returns to save the world for the 23rd time in “Skyfall”, which premiered in London yesterday.

That's gold… A black and white pic of Goldfinger actress Shirley Eaton. Pic: Getty Images

This thrilling instalment sees Bond venture from his native Britain to exciting new locations. Including Turkey, where he’s only been twice before (“From Russia with Love”, “The World is Not Enough”). And China, which has only been the setting for no less than FOUR Bond films (“You Only Live Twice”, “The Man with the Golden Gun”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”, “Die Another Day”).

Name a country and chances are 007 has killed somebody there. But with the probable exception of a few satisfied Bond Girls, James has never ventured down under.

In fact, he’s never been anywhere in Oceania, at least in film. Nor has he journeyed to Scandinavia, Indonesia, most of Africa or the Middle East. And even though 007 has flown a space shuttle equipped with laser weapons to Sir Hugo Drax’s secret space station IN SPACE, he’s never been to the Republic of Ireland!

I say it’s high time he came to Australia.

But 30-year veteran producer Barbara Broccoli says there are no real bad villains in Australia to warrant a spy-related jaunt to our friendly island nation! I whole heartedly disagree. There are plenty of awful people in Australia.

The script practically writes itself: Bond is sent to the sunburnt country in pursuit of an evil mining magnate – played by Magda Szubanski – hell bent on global domination.

And with so many fantastic and diverse settings for an Australian Bond film, old Barbara would surely have a hard time narrowing down the potential locations.

I can see Bond commandeering a Melbourne tram for a high speed chase down Swanston Street. Then he teams up with a sexy ASIO agent, played by Miranda Kerr or even a proper actress, to fight henchmen on the Sydney Harbour Bridge – a quiet nod to “A View to a Kill”.

Pffft, you can have your speedboats and sports cars. The mining truck chase scene would rock. Literally.

As for the final showdown, that takes place in a Western Australian open-pit iron ore mine, where Bond and super villain do battle in those giant dump trucks.

The world has already seen an Aussie James Bond. Who could forget George Lazenby in 1969’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”? His performance was panned by critics, but I actually thought he was pretty good. Give the guy a break, Blofeld did a drive-by shooting on Mrs James Bond the day of their wedding. As if YOU wouldn’t shed a tear.

Forget the UN Security Council. Forget the soccer World Cup. Australia should commit itself to securing Bond film 24. I can see the billboard now: “Daniel Craig stars in BOOMERANG – 007 keeps coming back for more!”

Comments on this piece close at 8pm AEST

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22 comments

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    • Fiddler says:

      10:58am | 26/10/12

      I am a big fan of James Bond, but no, he should not come here. A big part of 007’s style is going to old world places, principally Europe and to a lesser degree Asia where places are steeped in culture and class and rich people with connections are.

      Australia that ain’t. Let’s face it, despite what some of our delusional pollies say Australia is a remote country, both geographically and business wise. I could not see Daniel Craig’s version of James Bond walking down Cavill Avenue punching on with bogans in their Ed Harry shirts.

      Reply

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      02:31pm | 26/10/12

      Agree, it would make for the most forced and boring of all Bond films. Nothing cool or exciting happens in Australia, but then when you think about it, Australia would make a good hiding place for an evil genius obsessed with world domination because no one would think to look in a country that either people haven’t heard of or don’t give a shit about.

      You could get Magda Szubanski to play the part, but she’s absolutely terrible and I’d recommend an actual actor.

    • iansand says:

      11:08am | 26/10/12

      There are no sharks in open cut mines.  The whole idea is ridiculous.

      Reply

    • St. Michael says:

      12:06pm | 26/10/12

      But there could be, iansand.  That’s the beauty of it.

    • Rossco says:

      11:17am | 26/10/12

      lol funny article and I do think a mine truck chase scene would actually be pretty awesome!

      But remember Mission Impossible 2 which was set mostly in Australia? That sucked the dry air out of a dingos arse…why do they insist that all Australians must sound ocker and say mate about 15 times in one second? You know what I mean mate?

      Reply

    • TheRealDave says:

      11:17am | 26/10/12

      I like Jackie Chan movies. Really like them. They have great action and fight scenes, he can be piss funny and its just harmless fun. But when he filmed a couple here in Brisbane I though they sucked. It was just incongrous to me seeing all those familiar landmarks with all these raging gun battles, rocket launchers, bombs and explosions and shit…...yeah, I know, sounds ridiculous…but in all those other movies and all those other places - I don’t know them so it ‘sits better’ if you know what I mean…...

      And don’t start me on The Marine….*shudder*

      So I vote ‘No’ on Bond Down Under.

      Reply

    • Economist says:

      11:25am | 26/10/12

      We got MI2 didn’t we? What about the Matrix, that was great except for the rushed second and third movies. Note to movie makers scripts are important, dance scenes outside of romcoms are lame.

      With a high dollar, productions aren’t as cheap as they once were. 

      Barangaroo has been built yet so no decent casino to hang out in.

      Monaro’s are no longer in production. What would he drive an import?

      Villians are limited as Oz is a middle power. No nuclear facilities. Few megalomaniacs, most living overseas.

      Reply

    • Haxton Waag says:

      11:34am | 26/10/12

      Yes, the Sydney cityscape certainly worked in the first Matrix movie.

    • St. Michael says:

      12:11pm | 26/10/12

      I’m not sure you quite realise the unfortunate implications that arise from Sydney’s cityscape being the Matrix.

      Remember, the Matrix is a computer-generated dreamworld designed to keep humanity docile and under control.  All of its programming is designed to achieve that aim.  You couldn’t have a world where everyone was happy, because people didn’t accept it.  You could only have a computer-generated world which “reflected the various grotesqueries of human nature”, as the Architect put it.

      The machines therefore determined with mathematical certainty that Sydney was the one city in the world so dull, generic and cultureless that people would accept it as the “ordinary” world.  Sydeny also therefore reflects the various grotesqueries of human nature.

    • marley says:

      12:19pm | 26/10/12

      “Computer-generated dreamworld.”  Hmm, that explains Bob Carr’s premiership, doesn’t it?

    • Tubesteak says:

      12:29pm | 26/10/12

      We could have a diabolical mining magnate hell-bent on taking over the world with their uranium reserves and fuelling tensions between nuclear powers such as India and USA using China and Tibet as a back-door. All the time their plastic-hatted henchmen can be toiling in their uranium mine digging up the stuff and selling it on the black market.

      There could be underground lairs that the villain would lounge around in looking like Jabba the Hutt.

      You could have a high speed car chase across the Nullarbor Plain because the roads are straight and the only thing that happens is a kangaroo gets in the way. Bond can still have an Aston Martin but only comment that it costs three times as much here as it does in the UK.

    • Nikki says:

      12:09pm | 26/10/12

      Bond in WA.

      Too hot for the tux so he adopts the local traditional costume of boardies, Bintang wife-beater, No Fear baseball cap and Havaianas. Drives an HSV V8 Maloo ute, in a green so fluorescent that bees are attracted to it. Evil, genetically modified killer bees. The villains of course all drive Fords. His specialised gadgets include tropical strength Aerogard, factor 1000 sunscreen and a Westrac stubbie holder to drink his vodka redbull, since none of the barmaids in Perth know how to make a Martini.

      Reply

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      02:36pm | 26/10/12

      I was wondering how he would ever get away from anyone by driving a Maloo, then you said the bad guys have Fords, so all good.

      I would watch your version, you had me at genetically modified killer bees.

    • Digby says:

      12:29pm | 26/10/12

      such small thinking on this -
      1. Great Barier Reef - that allows for the mandatory sharks!
      2. hang gliding - pay homage to the Aussie Bond with a fantastic hang gliding scene - preferably over Sydney CBD

      Reply

    • Jeremy says:

      01:15pm | 26/10/12

      Maybe if we film the scene with Miranda Kerr as the sexy ASIO agent, then send it to Daniel Craig and co. as a teaser, they’ll reconsider?

      Reply

    • Cedric says:

      01:20pm | 26/10/12

      Bond, sent by his boss, M, (Judi Dench) to Australia, to retrieve valuable painting, meets his nemesis and fraud, face to face at Sydney Airport, in toilet cubicle, and greeted by, “Bond, Alan Bond”, nevertheless makes a deal approved by M, to fly to WA to retrieve the painting in a desolate mining underground location of ideal preservation temperature, owned by an unseen Pussy Galore. Suspecting a ‘trap by pussy’, Bond swings into action via bucket of a huge excavator, to the amazement of a FIFO All Rounder operator, due to fly out after his 3pm shift. Bond however, has to sacrifice his dignity, by succumbing to the charms of Pussy, but nevertheless returns to M, mission completed….Oresome!

      Reply

    • Darren says:

      01:57pm | 26/10/12

      if he was meeting his nemesis at a toilet he would be greeted by ‘Jones, Alan Jones’

    • Philosopher says:

      02:45pm | 26/10/12

      Bond has to cable M to request more funds after he finds that FIFO Pussy Galore charges exorbitant rates.

    • Anubis says:

      02:51pm | 26/10/12

      Hmmm - Gina Reinhardt as Pussy Galore - not believable sick

    • Black Dynamite says:

      01:27pm | 26/10/12

      didn’t bond go to the middle east in Living Daylights? All I want is sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their heads.

      BD

      Reply

    • Dennis Denuto says:

      01:56pm | 26/10/12

      I think one should be set in Adelaide. Bond comes down to defeat a band of terrorists operating from their secret base (the pie cart) who want to poison the city’s iced coffee supply (given that Farmer’s Union outsells Coke in SA). The terrorists have hidden themselves amongst the ordinary citizens, and include Johnnie Hayseman, the xylophone guy and Mike Rann. There’s a car chase down Anzac Highway and a fight scene at the Grand (can probably just use stock footage). Bond has some serious gadgets, including a frog cake doubling as a grenade, exploding fruchocs and a six pack of Westies that can dissolve through anything. Epic stuff.

      Reply

    • M Molthome says:

      03:23pm | 26/10/12

      you could have bond sipping his martinis amongst the members during a collingwood home game.  Only problem is that what would happen in this situation would be R rated and would have to be edited

      Reply
 
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