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Best of the breast as the Spring Carnal kicks off

Amy Crutchfield

by Amy Crutchfield

28 Oct 05:50am

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Filed under: Dating, Fashion, Horse Racing, Melbourne Cup, Racing, Sport, Spring Carnival

77 comments

Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich feathers are all being hammered relentlessly.

Racy. Pic: Jay Town.

The Spring Racing Carnival is upon us. Originally a celebration of the finest in equine flesh, the event has diversified into an exposition of both equine and female flesh.

Like musk sticks or anchovies, etymology either does it for you or it doesn’t. I would be happy to see the recipe for musk sticks go up in flames, but I do dig a bit of etymology.

Accordingly, I have mulled over the meaty origins of a word like carnival.

The prevailing opinion is that the Carnivale was originally a period when, in addition to celebrating riotously, people gave up (levare – to lift) meat (carne). Clearly things have come full circle.

Today the flesh on display at the major days of Spring Racing could take a butcher’s breath away. Even the most lecherous need to start their ocular exercises now to avoid eyeball fatigue on the day.

Flemington has become a breastfest: whether poached and enfolded in the softest ribbons of white bread, or spray-tanned and showcased in the finest fabric, Melbourne’s best is on display. And don’t get me going on the thighs.

Talk of this season’s colours and cuts is all a distraction. Spring Racing Fashion is all about minimalism - the minimal amount of material possible.

Did Generation Y stay up all night hand-stitching their dresses only to discover after midnight that they simply hadn’t bought enough cloth? Or did they just set out to look like tarts and achieve unparalleled success?

Perhaps I am steeped in a bitter marinade of middle age - if I could whip an inch off my thighs I would probably snip an inch of my hems.

And of course while I allege that the lambs are in a state of undress, they may well counter that this is only because the mutton have taken their clothes.

Fashion, however, is only part of the spectacle. As an example of a mass mating ritual Flemington compares with anything you could see on the National Geographic Channel. For a sight, our very own Birdcage rivals the sea of pink flamingos that migrate to and descend on Lake Natron in Tanzania to get it on.

This should come as no surprise though because the Carnival combines all the benefits of traditional dating, internet dating and speed dating. You can assess what’s on offer first hand, you can sift through hundreds of candidates you would not otherwise meet and it’s acceptable to cut off contact after 60 seconds.

As Effie my manicurist said, if a guy can’t pick up at the Spring Carnival he should start batting for the other team.

Effie gives good nail but she is an even better storyteller. Some of her spring racing tales have taught me how to blush again. If you’re old enough to hear them I still won’t tell you for fear of shorting your pacemaker. Knickerless Hollywood starlets wouldn’t get a look in.

And as for Ticketmaster, I’ve heard of buying a bad seat with little hope of seeing an event properly, but what stroke of genius is this to get tens of thousands of people to buy tickets to an event that they have no intention or expectation of watching.

Anyway I’m off. It’s time for me to book a spray tan, cut out bread and dairy (they bloat don’t you know) and hunt down some kind of headwear that I would have to be stark raving mad to wear any other time of year – the Spring Racing Carnival is upon us.

Most commented

77 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Super D says:

      05:09am | 28/10/11

      I’m planning on having a modest bet on the Melbourne cup as I do every year.  I’ve had a run through the household finances with the missus and we’ve decided that we can afford to risk $100 on the outcome of the race.  My wife and I are worried that after a few drinks we may be pressured to enter a sweepstakes, blowing our pre-committed betting limit.  Can we somehow register our limit so that no one will offer us additional gambling options?

      Reply

    • Ghost says:

      05:42am | 28/10/11

      Fella called Wilkie will help you out Super D.

      He will probably threaten to bring down the government over it.

    • Jane2 says:

      09:43am | 28/10/11

      $100 is a modest bet?

    • Tim says:

      11:30am | 28/10/11

      Jane2,
      yeah $100 is a good size bet for the cup.
      Remember there’s 9 races at Flemington tomorrow, Tuesday, Thursday and next Saturday.
      Don’t want to go too hard too early.

    • problem gambler says:

      02:02pm | 28/10/11

      I am pre commiting a Dr Evil like $1 million

    • Tim says:

      05:53am | 28/10/11

      Spring Carnival brings together my two most favourite things:
      Horse Racing and Hot Females.

      ps. The French will do better here than in NZ.

      Reply

    • Kika says:

      11:09am | 28/10/11

      Until they inebriate themselves and vomiting everywhere?

    • Tim says:

      02:53pm | 28/10/11

      Kika,
      are you talking about the horses or the females?

    • Kika says:

      04:13pm | 28/10/11

      Ahahaha the horses of course. You never know what they are doped up with!

    • Tina says:

      06:02am | 28/10/11

      Thank you. The first (and last) time I attended the races I was both shocked and amused. Those young girls all dolled up in Glassons dresses, heaps of make up and with high heels digging into the grass, trying to look so expensive and sophisticated. And a few hours later they are lying in the grass, sunburned, drunk, their hairstyles ruined along with their dignity, which somewhere must have gotten lost along with their undies.

      Reply

    • Anna C says:

      08:43am | 28/10/11

      Yeah girls put them away ... you might have someone’s eye out with one of them. 

      More arse the class.

    • Anna C says:

      08:44am | 28/10/11

      Yeah girls put them away ... you might have someone’s eye out with one of them.
      More arse then class.

    • Auckmed says:

      09:42am | 28/10/11

      Haha, jealous.

    • Tina says:

      10:29am | 28/10/11

      Jealous of what exactly?

    • Anne71 says:

      01:01pm | 28/10/11

      Totally agree, Tina. No doubt I’ll be howled down by the multitude for this, but we were always told that, when dressing for a special occasion, you could show legs or you could show cleavage. Wearing a dress that showed both was slutty.

    • Anne71 says:

      01:01pm | 28/10/11

      Totally agree, Tina. No doubt I’ll be howled down by the multitude for this, but we were always told that, when dressing for a special occasion, you could show legs or you could show cleavage. Wearing a dress that showed both was slutty.

    • Bev says:

      01:30pm | 28/10/11

      Anne71 says:02:01pm | 28/10/11
      My mother never went to an event without her elbow length white gloves and yes cleavage (depending on occasion) was acceptable not short skirts. Then my mother was a lady unlike we see today. It was not about the cost it was in carriage and manner.  We snigger today but they did have an elegance we seldom see now.

    • Tim the Toolman says:

      04:35pm | 28/10/11

      “More arse then class.”

      Then and than are two different words.  What you just wrote roughly translates to “More arse, followed by class”.  Which is probably apt in this discussion.

    • iansand says:

      06:18am | 28/10/11

      Not enough photos.

      Reply

    • S.L says:

      06:19am | 28/10/11

      Ah yes the festival of silly hats!
      Flemington the place to be seen.
      As non car nuts watch Bathurst and everyone only watches track and field when the Olympics are on, Tuesday is the Melbourne Cup!
      I must admit even though I’m from north of the border NOBODY puts on a horse race like the Melbournians. Even to the extent of having a day off…....

      Reply

    • Fashion F**k says:

      06:26am | 28/10/11

      The boys who insist on white shoes (Payless) a white tie (God knows where from) and a black ill-fitting Lowes suit are far worse than any tarted-up female.

      Time for a dress code for the entire event methinks.

      Reply

    • F**k Fashion F**k says:

      07:42am | 28/10/11

      Wrong. When men show up looking like a bird has crashed into the side of their head, then you might have a point.

      Don’t try and turn this into another gender war article.

    • Tubesteak says:

      08:03am | 28/10/11

      Agree with FF. The guys can be just as bad. Maybe not as much flesh but absolutely no clue nonetheless.

      Have to hand it to the racing authorities. Getting people to go to the races (an inhenrently boring even in and of itself) is marketing genius.

    • Tim says:

      08:31am | 28/10/11

      I wish I could kill any man (boy) wearing those white shoes.

      It’s like there’s a sign above their heads saying “I’m a massive douche”

      It is an affront to god and must be punished as such

    • Kika says:

      11:10am | 28/10/11

      Yes… or the ones who want to dress in silly colours thinking that they are Jim Carrey from the Mask or something. Yes yes… you’re hilarious.

    • AdamC says:

      12:20pm | 28/10/11

      Yeah, the ‘white shoe brigade’ are bizarre. It’s especially baffling that they haven’t yet realised that they look terrible. People have been making fun of them for years now!

      Mind you, the young girls with their cleavage-baring, too-short, bright-coloured, flesh flashing dresses that are normally to small (squish alert!) and the wrong shape for their figure (which usually leaves something to be desired anyway) are the worst raceday offenders.

      We seem to have raised a generation of young women who are completely ignorant of the first part of that expression that ends in “flaunt it”. Many also don’t seem to appreciate that you don’t wear the same outfit to a daytime event that you would wear to a meat market nightclub.

    • sunny says:

      04:34pm | 28/10/11

      Tubesteak - take a bit of cash and do some betting and it won’t be boring at all - you’ll be screaming “GO Chaff Bag” until you’re hoarse. Even those against betting have a sly bet at Mlb Cup time.

    • Evalee says:

      07:33am | 28/10/11

      steeped in a bitter marinade of middle age….hilarious

      Reply

    • Kebabpete says:

      07:41am | 28/10/11

      Plenty of beer for the boys, champers for the ladies, a few days off work, a bit of eye candy, a good old laugh, and we get to do it all while having a punt. That’s why I’m flying down there this weekend. Couldn’t think of anything better!

      Reply

    • Lauren says:

      07:45am | 28/10/11

      There should be a dress code set for these occasions. Like at the MCC, where they turn you away for wearing thongs, short skirts, shoe string straps, or no collar for men. A few of my mates dress like they’re going clubbing when going to the races, and I bloody HATE it.

      I was going to attend Derby Day tomorrow, but as usual Melbourne leaves it’s best weather for the weekend…

      Reply

    • centurion48 says:

      07:50am | 28/10/11

      As the great Sheik once said about similarly clad women “uncovered meat”.
      Combine that with alcohol and I am sure everything will be just fine.
      ‘Nuff said.

      Reply

    • sunny says:

      05:52pm | 28/10/11

      Nah I reckon the Sheik of Tweak would be all for it. Warney you devil !

    • MarkS says:

      08:10am | 28/10/11

      Tarts are great, even the jam ones

      Reply

    • Arnold Layne says:

      08:14am | 28/10/11

      Wintessing the aftermath of the Sydney racegoers at Central station during the carnival is embarassing.  Extraordinarily intoxicated girls staggering around with smeared make up, high heels in their hands, dresses hitched up or falling down, shrieking like cockatoos fighting over a meal.

      Reply

    • Zeta says:

      08:44am | 28/10/11

      “Thousands of raving, stumbling drunks, getting angrier and angrier as
      they lose more and more money. By midafternoon they’ll be guzzling
      mint juleps with both hands and vomitting on each other between races.” - Hunter S. Thompson, ‘The Kentucky Derby is Decadent & Depraved’.

      The only article you ever need to read about horse racing (it’s here, http://brianb.freeshell.org/a/kddd.pdf for posterity).

      Reply

    • NicoleG says:

      10:15am | 28/10/11

      LOL I had to do a double take on that name fairs. At first I read it as ‘Louise Scrubber’. I need more coffee…..

    • fairsfair says:

      10:29am | 28/10/11

      Bahahah Nicole. She certainly insn’t dressed like one. I personally think she is the pick. She looks great - even with that giant bee around her neck.

    • sunny says:

      05:58pm | 28/10/11

      Five good sorts there! Gotta love Melbourne Cup time!

    • hooray for diversity! says:

      09:00am | 28/10/11

      although I agree with your general sentiment, I just can’t help myself but to say: “yes, you are steeped in a bitter marinade of middle age”

      Reply

    • Shama says:

      09:14am | 28/10/11

      I am hardly steeped in the bitter marinade of middle age but please its all got out of hand and I am all for a return to modesty - in and out of the racecourse.

      For everyone.

      I saw a bit of The Beauty and the Geek yesterday (I know, I know) and they took a perfectly respectable ranga and converted him to a singlet wearing roided sort.  This has to stop!

      Reply

    • RED says:

      09:34am | 28/10/11

      Yes, because pre-Gen Y race crowds were covered from wrist to ankle in a floral sun dress and sat quietly and watched the ponies before retiring home to be in bed by 7:30pm.
      This aint the 1930’s anymore sweetheart. I don’t know what you’re worried about anyway, you’ve still got a bit of life in you yet.

    • Shama says:

      10:51am | 28/10/11

      Yeah having a bit of life = having your tits out.

      Mad Men tells me the old folk were covered wrist to ankle. But drank. A lot. At all times.

      Lesson: Be wasted in your youth but elegantly.

    • Bev says:

      01:40pm | 28/10/11

      RED says:10:34am | 28/10/11

      This aint the 1930’s anymore sweetheart.

      You would be surprised what did happen.

    • Dan says:

      09:43am | 28/10/11

      Note : Only women get offended by women showing off their breasts. Men have no problem with it at all (except for Grandmas/ they have to keep them covered).

      I think it’s the class of people that is letting the Melbourne cup down.
      It’s getting over run by bogans.

      Reply

    • Tina says:

      10:32am | 28/10/11

      Its not offensive. We are just empathatically embarressed for them. That is something else, honey.

    • Kika says:

      12:58pm | 28/10/11

      Dan - I agree with you. Its true. Men don’t care if girls don’t wear bras. It’s only us who care, because and I admit.. I am not embarassed. I tell other I am embarassed for her, but deep down I am feeling “OMG the nerve of her doing that getting so much attention acting like a cheap whore!”... difficult to describe. It’s not jealously. It’s not envy. It’s not pity, but maybe a combination of all 3. Hahaha.

    • Bev says:

      01:37pm | 28/10/11

      Kika says:01:58pm | 28/10/11

      Don’t give away trade secrets.

    • Kika says:

      04:16pm | 28/10/11

      Hahahaha, woops! Sorry! Let that one out of the bag.

      I should have edited my post first… spelling and grammar… what was I on?

    • Dan says:

      06:59pm | 28/10/11

      @ Kika - Actually I was wrong. I forgot about the “father of the scantily clad daughter” or the “jealous boyfriend type”.

      What do men look out for ?
      Men are most intrigued by what they CANNOT see OR if they do see it, it should only be a small amount on display. (They will then try their hardest to see it !!!)

      Don’t worry your secret is safe with me….(waits til Kika is gone).....“hey fellas, guess what I found out today….”

    • I, Claudia says:

      09:50am | 28/10/11

      Just what we need - another bitter woman moaning about the supposed vices of our generation now that she’s “outgrown” the apparent need to “seek attention.”

      Reply

    • Kika says:

      11:13am | 28/10/11

      I have noticed the same sort of theme coming from the writer. “Im getting older and barren and finding it hard to keep up with these young’uns so I’ll just denigrate them to make myself feel better”. The age old female trick of putting someone down to make yourself feel more important, and mostly, better than them.

    • Jane2 says:

      09:50am | 28/10/11

      On the bright side, all these girls are going to have worse racks come their 40’s and 50’s than their mothers and grandmothers due to lack of bras and excess sun exposure…but of course they are probably planning on having breast lifts in their late 20’s because they are already saggy.

      Reply

    • Tim says:

      10:24am | 28/10/11

      meooowwwww.

    • Tina says:

      10:34am | 28/10/11

      That is, if they can distinguish them from their tummy rolls.

    • Kika says:

      11:19am | 28/10/11

      Jane2 - not necesarily. My mother was a child of the 70s. Bras were optional. I wear mine everyday which is more than she can say!

    • Kirsty says:

      11:30am | 28/10/11

      My plan is to lop and lift once I reach my late 20’s as I assume they will have gone down a little by then and bio-oil can only do so much.  The sun damage thing can’t be as bad as some of the women who lived through the 70’s and 80’s because man there is some sag courtesy of the lack of sunscreen used during those times.

    • Bev says:

      12:21pm | 28/10/11

      Kika says:12:19pm | 28/10/11

      Jane2 - not necesarily. My mother was a child of the 70s. Bras were optional.

      There has been an increase in breast size over the years. Some put it down to hormones in food some to improved health and nutrition of children in the end it doesn’t really matter why. Look at old Hollywood movies to see what I mean. It did however mean many women could get away with not wearing a bra when at home.  Makes sense as their was much more manual labour (of it’s self bust reducing) and no air conditioning. A loose fitting blouse and no bra made was the go. The smaller the bust and the more tone the less the sag (breastfeeding excepted).

    • Kika says:

      12:53pm | 28/10/11

      Hey Bev - not for me. I have a smaller cup size than my mum. So that has not occurred in my generation. My Nanny = A cup. My Mum = C Cup. Me = B Cup. My sister = C Cup.

    • Bev says:

      01:22pm | 28/10/11

      Kika says:01:53pm | 28/10/11
      I would submit that all things being equal you have an advantage over your sister as time marches on.

    • Kika says:

      04:19pm | 28/10/11

      Tell me about it! It used to be a real source of contention between us, but now I am thankful. Hahaha. Plus she’s fat now too. Hahaha.

    • Kika says:

      11:18am | 28/10/11

      Dear Amy,

      It’s ok. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. My mum went through this when she was creeping into menapause. Insisting on wearing my clothes and makeup. My gosh. It was horrible. I once saw her wearing my new boob tube and white mini skirt and crying that she looked fat and horrible. I had to bring in my sister for help because the inevitable… “Mum… you are 48…does mutton dressed as lamb ring a bell?” wasn’t going to end well. And it didn’t. We got accused of being bitches, but we had to do it, in kindness. She needed an intervention desparately and she told us MANY times as young kids that if she ever got to that point to snap her out of it and dress appropriately for her age.

      She still doesn’t, but she’s given up the boob tubes and mini skirts!

      Grow old gracefully, and don’t try to keep up with the young girls. It WONT end well. There’s nothing nicer than seeing a lady, of EVERY age, who is comfortable in herself and her own beauty.

      Reply

    • Fiona says:

      08:14am | 30/10/11

      I’ve watched Trinny and Susannah avidly (yeah, yeah, I know) and they give marvellous fashion advice for all ages, shapes and sizes. So, in my 40s I’ve dropped the mini skirts to knee length and cleavage to a minimum. My daughter, is in her 20s and can easily get away with anything, but fortunately is relatively modest. Maybe I can take some of the credit for that.

    • Kirsty says:

      11:23am | 28/10/11

      I don’t mind if girls want to dress a little skimpier as long as they wear underwear and a bra (or substitute) and they have a nice body otherwise it is awkward for all involved.

      Reply

    • Tina says:

      12:01pm | 28/10/11

      I just find that less clothing does not equal better. I think skirts that dont make everyone catch their breath when you bend to tie your shoelaces nicer and you can still look stunning in a dress without having everything right on display. Boobs falling out of dresses is a bit cheap. And a no-go is when you can see the bra straps or backhooks or something. Get a bra that is invisible underneath the dress please.

    • Bev says:

      01:35pm | 28/10/11

      Tina says:01:01pm | 28/10/11

      Get a bra that is invisible underneath the dress please.

      My pet hate. To which I might add If you can not hide the the bra don’t wear one. If that makes you uncomfortable don’t wear the dress.

    • jade (the other one) says:

      02:36pm | 28/10/11

      @Bev, finally something on which we both can agree. My pet hate is seeing bra straps hanging out of shoestring straps or backless dresses. To me, it looks far cheaper than simply not wearing a bra at all.

      @Tina, fortunately, most of us couldn’t give a rats on what you think. Girls wear what they want to wear. Some girls like to flaunt their rack, and some like to flaunt their legs. Just because you might not have either, doesn’t mean we all don’t. And what’s wrong with showing off what, in some cases either cost a lot of money, or a lot of work. I love my legs, and I love the attention they get me. Flaunting them does not make me a slut, or look slutty.

    • Kika says:

      04:18pm | 28/10/11

      Even the ‘invisible’ bra straps are bad… they are still visible! You can clearly see you are wearing clear plastic bra straps instead of the usual opaque.  Terrible. Fashion Faux pas for sure!

    • Bev says:

      04:24pm | 28/10/11

      jade (the other one) says:03:36pm | 28/10/11

      The word is tacky.

    • Anna C says:

      01:41pm | 28/10/11

      Less is not more when it comes to women’s fashion. I just wish some of these young women would choose clothing that actually fits them and is flattering for change. Just because you want to be a size 10 doesn’t mean you actually are.

      Also if others mistake you for a ‘lady of the night’ because of the way you are dressed; do not take this as a compliment. You have three options either re-evaluate your clothing choices, get a bloody mirror or start charging for your services.

      Reply

    • DriveByHeckler says:

      05:43pm | 28/10/11

      When the Spring Carnival media coverage gets going, I come over all depressed with the dull predictability of all the news items. They have been paraded before us so many times before, all in the same sequence with never a change to the original scripts.  If I was a racing horse I would prefer to be put out of my misery than be seen participating in this annual pokie player festival.  Falling over during the race should do it.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      07:01pm | 28/10/11

      I often ride me bike through Hamiltonon a saturday and spot a few of the girls heading off to the races.
      They’re quite lovely actually.
      It’s a day out in the sun, and there’s money at stake and the jockey may be a on a winner.
      I like going there myself.
      It’s a good day out.

      Reply

    • baal says:

      09:20am | 29/10/11

      @female punchers.
      I married into a taitian family. The young women and many older women do not wear alot of clothes. The men often do not either.
      However since it is linked to a culture it is never seen as tacky or slutty. Dear lord the slut shaming going on here is disgusting (looking at you frauline Tina). There is nothing wrong with nudity or wearing little clothing.
      What is wrong is being a class A bitch and trying to lower peoples self respect rather than increase.
      Why are women so goddamn mean.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      06:20pm | 29/10/11

      Culture ? What culture, your’s or ours ?
      Clothes are like our hair : they serve a purpose, yet the absence of such does not indicate a sin, yet you have created one, (and your use of the word ‘frauline’ is, by implication, really stupid) but imputing ‘slut’ with the ‘Lord’.
      (Must be your lord.)
      Women are not goddamn mean ; you are.

    • Sweetbean says:

      10:01am | 29/10/11

      As a little girl going to the races with my parents in the early nineties,  I would marvel at the glamorous suits, bags, shoes, hats and gloves worn my classy, elegant ladies. I am not middle aged, and am certainly able to pull off a revealing outfit l if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I refuse to go to the races anymore as the outfits just disgust me. I telly friends they look disgusting if I see pics of them at the races in slutty attire, and that they are disrespecting racing tradition and themselves. Don’t get my wrong - I’m not generally conservative in my attitudes, but this is one area that really riles me.

      Reply

    • Sharon says:

      02:24pm | 29/10/11

      I do not care for the choice of attire
      or lack thereof

      it is the ignorance and apathy
      for the magnificent animals
      and the cruel realities the horses endure

      the whipping
      the frequent stall confinement
      the stress on young bones
      the overbreeding for the greedy syndicate bogans
      and the cruel fate that awaits
      the hundreds of unprofitable innocents
      every year ....
      the brutal slaughterhouse end.

    • Sharon says:

      01:44pm | 29/10/11

      Dress up
      Drink up
      Cough up
      Hook up
      Throw up

      ...  and all in support of an industry based on animal cruelty, overbreeding and miserable slaughterhouse end for the unprofitable horese. That is why the target market is the foolish, young, vain, apathetic and ignorant.

      Reply
 
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