A timely reminder from the sticks and stones of Australia
In a foul-mouthed, vitriolic few weeks when everyone from Alan Jones to Twitter trolls have said unspeakably awful things, the sticks and stones of Australia have demanded to be recognised as more damaging than the name-callers.
In a press release headlined NAMES WILL NEVER HURT ME, a group calling itself the United Sticks and Stones of Australia has issued a damning refutation of the widespread presumption of name-calling as the evil to end all evils.
“There are far worse hazards in society than name-calling,” the release reads. “Obviously it’s not pleasant to say a women’s father died of shame because of her conduct. Nor is it nice to urge some lifestyle presenter to get better acquainted with her toaster. But let’s keep a little perspective here.
“Have you ever stubbed your toe on a particularly sharp piece of quartz while bushwalking in thongs? Or chainsawed an overhanging tree branch which landed on you?
“Our point being, we sticks and we stones really can break people’s bones. But names? Pfft! The suggestion they can be damaging makes us laugh so hard we turn to sawdust and gravel.
The indignant vegetable and mineral representatives go on to poke further fun at their animal counterparts:
“Your reaction to all this name-calling is so petty, you really are as soft as balsa wood,” the release continues.
“Inevitably, the name-calling just turns into a hall of mirrors where no one knows who called who what first, or why. Look at the way Twitter turned back on Robbie Farah. Look at the people now blaming the people blaming Alan Jones.
“You humans really need a good reminder of the damage hard physical objects can inflict. Look at the recent riots in Sydney. You were all so obsessed with that woman and the kid with the beheading sign.
“Even we inanimate objects are intelligent enough to understand the symbolism of that sorry sign. But you know what? We’re not convinced it did as much damage as the physical force which wounded six police officers.
“Fact of the matter is, the whole human population of Australia is beginning to resemble the figure in that Norwegian painting The Scream, staggering around in shock with hands pressed hard over ears.
“We would have thought, what with all those abductions and lethal one-punch assaults, that name-calling is hardly the most violent threat to your civil society.
The Punch contacted a chaff bag for comment on this story but our calls were not returned.
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