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Eight Olympic stories you knew before they happened

Anthony Sharwood

by Anthony Sharwood

19 Jul 04:00pm

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Filed under: Journalism, London Olympics, Olympics, Punch Lists, Sport

57 comments

In a major Olympic shock, it was revealed overnight that many of the 11,000 athletes descending upon London this week will exchange bodily fluids, and not just with drug testers.

I know who you did last night! Pic: AP

The reports that people with hot, fit young bodies will be sexually attracted to others of their ilk were an astonishing revelation.

Except that they weren’t. Every Olympiad, as the Games near, the same old stories get trotted out with the predictability of London drizzle. And it’s not just boom boom in the athletes’ rooms. It’s also…

Athletes eat a lot
Who’d a thunk that people who train hard eat a lot? Or that fat athletes in sports like weightlifting and hammer-throwing sit in the corner of the athletes’ dining room with a bucket and a funnel? Not us.

He had the bar for dessert. Pic: Mark Williams

Saudi Arabia is sexist
They’ve never sent a woman to the Games until the IOC threatened to kick them out. This year, the Saudis are sending a female 800m runner and a lady judoka (practitioner of judo). There remains the sniff of tokenism but it’s better than the stench of sexism.

This poor person has no shoes
It’s been going on since Abebe Bikila, the Ethiopian who won the 1960 marathon in no shoes. This year, two unsubsidised members of India’s walking team can’t afford footwear. A nice person sent running shoes. Nice try at philanthropy, but way to get them disqualified.

Look Mum, no Adidas!

They’re giving WHO the flag???
This year’s flag flack centres around Caster Semenya, the South African woman who was forced to undergo gender tests after showing high levels of testosterone. Some thought double amputee Oscar Pistorious would be chosen. SA’s Olympic chief said he ducked that choice to avoid controversy. He has quite the sense of humour.

Predictable outfit outcry
The American team has been under fire for wearing outfits made in China. Hang on, isn’t everything made in China these days? The bigger issue is why the US outfits are so preppy they make the athletes look like extras in The OC.

The clueless bus driver
Right on cue last week, a bus driver who was not a native Londoner took a group of Australian sailors on an impromptu magical mystery tour of London. You’d think he would’ve been well-schooled on the trip from Heathrow to the Athletes’ Village, but no.

No, the Athletes' Village is not that pointy building. Pic: Thinkstock

Gee, those American basketballers are awesome
Every year, the US basketball team is compared by to the Original 1992 “Dream Team”. Someone asked 1992 veteran Larry Bird this week how his lot would have fared against the current mob. “Well, I haven’t played in 20 years” he drily responded. That was his way of saying he’d have kicked Kobe Bryant’s ass.

Carnal condom-miniums
As mentioned above, there are always pre-Games stories about the impending rootfest. Then in the second week of the Games, you always read about the poor athlete competing on the final weekend who can’t sleep for all the swimmers screaming and groaning all night. And you thought you had problems with the barking dog over the back fence.

Let the games begin. Please. We can’t stand these countdown stories much longer…

Most commented

57 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • tweety_fan says:

      04:17pm | 19/07/12

      Let the games begin! Please.
      I agree with this.

      Reply

    • Babylon in Canberra says:

      05:10pm | 19/07/12

      I’m worried. East London has some of the finest Terrorists in the world, not only are the games in their backyard, but the Government has engaged a company called G4S to do the the security. But some of the security guards hired for the event cannot speak English, some have been arrested for being illegal immigrants and this is on top of the fact the security company does not have enough numbers to start.

      In the run up to the event, British judges, hamstrung by the Human Rights Act, having been exiling suspected East London terrorists to Birmingham and that’s just going to have made them madder.

      Let’s hope with a bloody great Aitcraft carrier in the middle of London, surface to air missiles on every roof, the games will be incident free.

      I wouldn’t go.

    • iansand says:

      07:50pm | 19/07/12

      The only thing an aircraft carrier in the Thames estuary will do is give the terrorists something to hide behind.  And I would hate to be the bloke who has to decide to unleash the SAMs on a plane coming in over central London.  I may be an armchair warrior (actually, I am an armchair everything, except a warrior) but those two “precautions” seem to me to be somewhat separated from reality.

    • Cocolee says:

      09:15pm | 19/07/12

      “finest Terrorists in the world’, what are you talking about??? how would you even know that…more fear mongering I’m guessing…

    • James Mathews says:

      04:18pm | 19/07/12

      Great Article Anthony Sharwood, some of it I had a great laugh at especially the bus driver section. Always great to have an article like this.

      Twitter: BigJamesMathews

      Reply

    • Mark says:

      04:18pm | 19/07/12

      Can you imagine how hot it is when some of the water polo/rowing men hook up? Dayum

      Reply

    • Scotchfinger says:

      04:37pm | 19/07/12

      I’m thinking more of the synchronised swimming team; but different horses…

    • antman says:

      04:03pm | 20/07/12

      Perhaps you meant the equestrian teams, Scotch?

    • Scotchfinger says:

      04:13pm | 20/07/12

      mmm…plaited manes…freshly groomed hides…limpid eyes…

    • sunny says:

      04:21pm | 19/07/12

      I want to see Oscar Pistorious in the high jump. World record look out!

      Reply

    • pa_kelvin says:

      04:22pm | 19/07/12

      They should just give in and make “bonking” an Olympic event. smile

      Reply

    • Woodsy says:

      04:39pm | 19/07/12

      That would be Greco-Roman Wrestling…

    • pa_kelvin says:

      06:47pm | 19/07/12

      NUDE .....Greco-Roman Wrestling….....Ewwwww

    • Pete says:

      04:23pm | 19/07/12

      *Kobe

      Reply
    • Anthony Sharwood

      Anthony Sharwood says:

      04:45pm | 19/07/12

      Yeah yeah, my bad. I knew that but stuffed it anyway. Anyway, changed it now, thanks

    • PossibleJaded says:

      04:34pm | 19/07/12

      Don’t forget the heartbreaking stories of some of these kids that have come from NOTHING and along with MILLIONS of dollars of tax payer funded dollars will finally acheive the Multi-Million dollar sponsorships they have been waitng for ....and then move their tax base overseas.

      Or Or Or

      The stories about how they have spent their WHOLE LIVES training for the ability to swim in water faster than someone else, or manage to run and jump better than other people and that this magical ability allows them to be spokepeople for issues in the real world.

      And all along we will hear about the evil dopers and drug cheats from other countries, blissfully ignoring some of our athletes have Jaws that would make their namesake flee in terror.

      Oh Yay Olympic time

      Reply

    • sunny says:

      05:12pm | 19/07/12

      not a fan then?

    • Jason says:

      11:14pm | 19/07/12

      Have to agree to an extent.  These days it’s mostly about drugs and money.  Moving the Beijing swimming finals to the morning to fit in with American prime time TV anyone?

    • Kimbo says:

      12:08am | 20/07/12

      Couldn’t have said it better myself. So true.

    • Shaun says:

      04:37pm | 19/07/12

      Kobe* Bryant

      Reply

    • Mahhrat says:

      07:58am | 20/07/12

      Far out, what is this, Reddit?

    • Jeremy says:

      04:45pm | 19/07/12

      I remember reading during the Sydney games that enough condoms were handed out for every athlete to use one almost everyday. When you take into account, chaste teams, couples, voluntarily celibates, losers and such there must be a bunch of people pocketing crates worth…

      Reply

    • Flutz says:

      08:15pm | 19/07/12

      Seriously the athletes are not having as much of a bonfest as media would have us believe - most of them just take all the condoms as a laugh in order to perpetuate the myth and don’t actually use them, well not at the games anyway.

    • andrew says:

      09:07am | 20/07/12

      the same applied when i went to uni…......

    • Scotchfinger says:

      09:22am | 20/07/12

      most of the blokes have taken so much hormone therapy that their tools have become vestigial anyway, like the forearms of a T-rex. The girls would just giggle at them.

    • scubasteve says:

      04:49pm | 19/07/12

      its all about the journey…

      everyone has a friken journey.

      Reply

    • Stefano says:

      04:51pm | 19/07/12

      I was a volunteer at the Sydney games based at the village.  I have heard it all before ie the rootfest, the disproportionate number of condoms freely available, etc.  It’s a complete lie.  Every day the games got nearer and nearer the rumour mill would go into overdrive.  Show your Accreditation Pass with the Chef de Mission’s stamp to get a 50% discount of all memorabilia. WRONG!  Free admission to any event for volunteers WRONG (although that didn’t stop uis sneaking in).  There were supposed to be something like a million condoms available for Sydney.  Based on that number they should have been everywhere.  However they weren’t.  And no, drivers didn’t get to keep the Holden Commodores either.

      Reply

    • pa_kelvin says:

      05:04pm | 19/07/12

      Don’t be such a stick in the mud…We wouldn’t have sites like this keeping us amused if it were all true/lies .........would we? smile Good article Ant.

    • Hinchkongfang says:

      07:51am | 20/07/12

      there is nothing worse than some of those people who “volunteered” to help at the Sydney Olympic Games. I was in the precinct the other week at an expo, and saw at least 2 sad examples, still wearing their Sydney Olympic Games Volunteer Tracksuit (TM) and walking around like he owned the joint.

      It was 12 years ago mate, get over it smile

    • Traxster says:

      10:39am | 20/07/12

      is that…‘rootfest or rooftest ’ ??

    • Rob says:

      04:54pm | 19/07/12

      You forgot the one about the <insert nationality here> judge being accused of favouritism or racism depending on the score they give a diver or gymnast.

      Reply

    • Ben says:

      05:34pm | 19/07/12

      If there were a gold medal for cowardice, one would have to give it to the IOC for their refusal to honour those killed in Munich 40 years ago.

      Reply

    • dexxter says:

      06:06pm | 19/07/12

      Just heard a news report that schoolkids attending will have to wear olympic sponsor approved shoes, shirts etc and that staff need to empty drinks, chips etc into plain containers so that logos are not seen if they are not sponsors - true. How ridiculous are these money grabbers? Could be a sport in its own right. eg grab and run

      Reply

    • pa_kelvin says:

      06:51pm | 19/07/12

      Gotta love Sponsors….These Games are bought to you A B and C and the number $billions… smile

    • Yep says:

      06:21pm | 19/07/12

      There’s also the potential disaster to strike an athlete or (more likely) a group of athletes as the games draw near.  For example, today’s food poisoning news, as well as the whooping cough scare among the swimmers a few weeks back (none of them were vaccinated???).

      Reply

    • PsychoHyena says:

      07:04pm | 19/07/12

      @Yep, it was only recently discovered that the whooping cough vaccine eventually wears off, so they might have been as kids but didn’t get the news that they should receive a booster.

    • The Razor says:

      06:56pm | 19/07/12

      What a joke and gutless hypocrites the AA are, banning a husband & wife from rooming together, but letting homosexuals room together, and knowing that all this sex action takes place at the Olympics. Of course sex action will happen when you have highly charged fit athletes together in a fantastic atmosphere. This all puts a new meaning on ” let’s get physical “.

      Reply

    • Tango says:

      09:56pm | 19/07/12

      You are a noomfdinger of the highest order: there might be homosexuals sharing the same room, but they are not couples (you can only be in a room with people of the same gender, which means that you will probably have gay and lesbian people in the same rooms) and the male/female couples who are at the games are not in the same rooms because males and females can’t share rooms and the rooms are for 4 people.

    • Rose says:

      11:48pm | 19/07/12

      Where there’s a will, there’s a way smile

    • marley says:

      07:08am | 20/07/12

      Who cares?  If we’re paying you to go to the Olympics to play some game or run down a track, you can just put up with your free accommodation for a few days.  Or, of course, hand back your ticket and plane fare.  I really don’t give a rat’s.

    • Paul M says:

      07:27pm | 19/07/12

      Each olympics I get prouder of Sydney 2000.

      Reply

    • Peter Bills says:

      07:46pm | 19/07/12

      Hey, guess what? In about 12 years or so, the Olympic Games will fade into obscurity, through a combination of - overly strict anti-terrorist protocols that disallow anyone from entering/competing in/viewing events because of the perceived threat; crippling cost overruns that demand that any city be held captive to prolonged and insurmountable debt for the next 40 years for the so-called ‘privilege’ of sponsoring the games; and a general disinterest in a corrupt, self-indulgent group of bureaucrats who behave less like sports ambassadors, and more like criminals with their hands in the till. People are too involved in simply getting food on the table and keeping a roof over their heads to pay much attention to this pantheon of deluded individuals.

      Reply

    • sunny says:

      10:07pm | 19/07/12

      Won’t happen, in fact countries will sink more and more money into vying to host them. Some people’s eyes always glaze over when they think about up-coming Olympic Games but when they’re actually on everyone takes an interest without fail. Food on table - check. Roof over head - check. Now turn the telly on the Olympics is on. Wow badminton!

    • stephen says:

      07:59pm | 19/07/12

      Each Athlete apparently is getting the equivalent of 6 and a quarter condoms per person during the Games and I cannot understand why some Athletes complain that the beds are too small : such associative activities can also be done standing up.

      ps sleeping standing up, say, in the cupboard, is good for complexion and when the Porter comes in with the breakfast pork sausages, she will be delighted that the ‘victim’ is already up and about,possibly standing up somewhere else, too.

      Reply

    • Paul M says:

      02:51pm | 22/07/12

      Don’t those athletes have pommel horses and stuff?

    • Kitty says:

      09:37pm | 19/07/12

      I’m sick of the Olympics already & everything that comes with it. Fortunately, it happens every four years or life would be unbearable.

      Reply

    • Your Opinion says:

      11:48pm | 19/07/12

      LMAO at The Punch complaining stories are recycled.

      Reply

    • Smithy says:

      03:35am | 20/07/12

      More predictable than the London drizzle is that any Olympic story by an Australian will mention London drizzle or grey skies. You are more interested in British weather than the Brits and that takes some doing. Seems like you can only relax and be happy with the world if you convince yourself it’s raining in London as now that you’re no longer much good at sport weather is all you have - even though Sydney gets more average yearly rainfall than London!
      So many Aussies seem to be wishing ill on the London Games, showing yourself up to be a bunch of bitter pathetic weasels. The “GB v Australia” thing you are hyping up makes you look equally sad. Our eyes are on the Russkies. Though I do sincerely hope our beautiful Queen Vic beats that witch Meares

      Reply

    • Londoner says:

      08:09am | 20/07/12

      Quick get your shirt off and catch some rays! The sun has just come out for the first time this month!!

    • Oz > england says:

      09:54am | 20/07/12

      i assume you live in Australia smithy, good on ya mate… you are clearly going through the 7 stages of grief after realising how terrible a place england has become. you appear to be at a combined stage of 1, 2, and 3 (shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining) after the Olympics you will obviously go through stage 4 depression, reflection and loneliness. but once your remember your in Australia you will hit step 5. the upward turn step 6. reconstruction and working through then the final step 7. acceptance and hope - hope that you might actually win something supporting Australia.

    • Smithy says:

      11:58am | 20/07/12

      Sorry to disappoint maaaaate (FYI your not my mate nor ever will be) but actually I lived a year in Oz, more than enough, still take an interest in the place but glad to be back in a proper country. Your bonehead aussie “banter” is brilliant, love it

    • Scotchfinger says:

      02:08pm | 20/07/12

      time for cat o’ nine tails? 200 of the best for impertinence.

    • Sean Williams says:

      02:56pm | 20/07/12

      Anna Meares is shaping up as the Ivan Drago of these Games over here. If we were mouth-foaming Aussies we would probably hound her out of the country like you did Perec in 2000. But we Brits retain the concept of sportsman/womanship. You could learn from us if you are willing

    • Jay says:

      07:26am | 20/07/12

      The only interest in the Olympics is trying to guess which sport and competitor will fail a drugs test; and then listen to the excuses that their food was doctored or it was in some cough medicine. Just out of interest I wonder whether Coates and his AOC cronies flew first class to London, whilst the female basketballers some 6’6+ were forced to fly cattle class.
      I wonder if Coates and co and ofcourse our hard working MP’s will be slumming it at a local inn or the Savoy? Our taxes at work.
      Good work if you can get it.

      Reply

    • Mahhrat says:

      08:02am | 20/07/12

      I remember going to hear Liz Ellis (ex Australian Netball Women’s Captain).  It was one of those meeting junket things. One of the things she said has stuck with me that deals well with the reality of putting large amounts of physically fit young people together.

      When she was 17 she was inducted to the AIS for its netball program, along with 50 or so others.  On their first day, they were approached by one of the netballing goddesses (I forget the name now).  Anyhow, the opening words from this Doyenne was something like:

      “Ladies, welcome to the AIS.  First, some housekeeping.  There is a smorgasboard of young, fit and attractive men on this campus.  Do not make pigs of yourselves.”

      I can’t imagine we’ve become more chaste since 1980-odd.

      Reply

    • Wolfstar says:

      08:46am | 20/07/12

      That is gold

    • stephen says:

      04:12pm | 20/07/12

      Whats wrong with sporting achievement?

      Scheming, lying, backstabbing you way to the top of the boardroom, academia, government or being a more successful mogul of cheap electronic consumer goods made in 3rd world countries, or inventing a music player thats costs 20 bucks that sells for 200.

      How do we value achievement?  Whats wrong with the joy of running as fast as you possibly can, for no other reason than you love it?

      Reply
 
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