20 heat-defeating tips from the NT for soft Southerners
My mum phones me from Sydney the other day. “It’s sooooo hot,’’ she moans.
“The air is so humid, I can’t even go outside!
“I’ve shut up the whole house and closed all the blinds to keep it cool.
“I couldn’t use the oven, it made the house too hot.
“And I had to have a cold shower last night.
“It was so hot I couldn’t even sleep!
“Oh the humidity!’‘
Often when my mum says this, it’s in conditions that would be considered jumper weather for a Territorian.
But as temps in the southern states soared beyond 40 degrees recently, for a change she actually had legitimate grounds for her climatic grumble.
Welcome to our world, suckers. Now it’s not just Darwin that’s bringing sweaty back back.
Still, come on, it’s been about 10 days. We northerners endure weather that feels like a microwaved blanket has punched us in the face almost every day of the year.
You can’t use the oven? I live in an oven! You had a cold shower? Our pipes are so sun-exposed, I can’t have a cool one even if I try!
We Top Enders are well-versed in weather-related survival tactics, like how to eat a Paddle Pop in under 15 seconds, and how to build a respectable wardrobe out of only sleeveless garments.
As a result, I think Territorians should offer the southern states some counselling to get them through these warm weeks. The other day I heard a woman in Adelaide had to drink an iced coffee. Clearly they are suffering.
It’s only fair we share some of our secrets on how to conciliate the clammy climate with those sweltering civilians over our borders.
So, here are my Top 20 Heat-Defeating Tips From Territorians On How Soft Cock Southerners Can Survive and Thrive In Extreme Temperatures. These are also a handy reminder for northerners suffering through one of our steamiest and long-lasting not-so-wet wet seasons. (Note: some are sensible suggestions and actual methods used by tropics-dwellers; most are not).
1. If you don’t already have one, get a job in large office block that comes with icy air-con they pay you to sit in.
2. Try to spend most of your day in the shower.
3. Make friends with people who have a pool and use what little energy you have inventing excuses to pop around to their place.
4. Turn the air-con in your car on prematurely, say, 20 minutes before you have to go anywhere. If your car doesn’t have air-con, remove the windscreen. Or just park it in the western suburbs until someone smashes it in for you.
5. Instead of rushing through the supermarket, take your time examining the nutritional information in the dairy section. It’s time to find out what the heck `“permeate-free’’ means.
6. If you can put up with the disapproving stares and possible loitering charges, relocate any planned social events to the walk-in beer fridge at the bottlo.
7. Head to the cinema. Although they make you want to self-harm, The Hobbit and Les Miserable are currently screening. This double feature equals about 10 hours of good quality air-con.
8. Seek out other public places with air-conditioning that you can hang out. For example, shopping centres, hospitals, or the morgue.
9. Remove all your clothes. In the Territory it doesn’t even need to be particularly hot for people to embrace this idea. If attending a formal occasion, a mankini may be required - make sure to select your ‘going out’ one.
10. Hot air rises, so if you are a tall person, try walking crouched down or rolling to get from one place to another, or even around your home. Every NT apartment without exception has a white-tiled floor which can be quite nice to lie on earlier in the day.
11. Examine all fabrics you plan on wearing before you go out - velvet, satin, velour and leather are out. Throw out all shoes that aren’t thongs.
12. Change your food intake to suit the climate. Exist on a diet of only Zooper Doopers and Frosty Fruits eaten at break-neck speed.
13. Plan all outdoor activities before the sun comes up. Or just cancel them altogether.
14. Carry a spray bottle containing cool water around at all times. Squirt it on your face and place your face directly in front of a fan. If you don’t have a spray bottle, crying in front of a fan will also work.
15. Also have a `sweat towel’ on hand at all times to place on your car seat or lounge so you don’t leave permanent stains. If possible, pick up a designated ‘sweat chair’ from the op shop.
16. For boys, try freezing your underpants before you put them on. I’m told this cools down an area that generates a lot of heat.
17. Rent DVDs of movies set in cold places, like Cold Mountain or The Ice Storm. Or watch a few episodes of Cold Case.
18. Look to the animal kingdom for advice. Dogs dig themselves holes to lie in to keep cool, and kangaroos lick their forearms. Get out the shovel and start layering your limbs with saliva.
19. Get an umbrella hat. These are viewed by some as purely novelty attire for drunk cricket fans, but they are recognised by smart Territorians as an excellent source of transportable shade that doesn’t require you to lift your arms.
20. When all else fails and you simply cannot escape the swelter down south, do what we do when we get sick of our environment (or need modern medical care): get on a plane. Hey, you guys could come to Darwin!
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