When I came into work today, my deliciously juvenile impulse, was to tease the Englishmen in my workplace mercilessly about their team’s 4-1 FIFA World Cup thrashing at the hands of Germany.
Fortunately, my better side has triumphed. Here ya go, lads. A nice cup of Twinings all round. Oh, and this list should cheer you up too. It’s a list of…
10 things to console an Englishman in the wake of their World Cup failure.
1. Football schmootball. You guys have some terrific runners. Like Jana Rawlinson.
2. Don’t feel too bad. Germany put four past us Aussies too.
3. At least the Queen isn’t the only pointless overpaid English millionaire.
4. Wayne Rooney was THE DISAPPOINTMENT of the Cup. But don’t worry, we’ve only had two instalments of his $10 million five-book Harper Collins deal. The third book “Useless as a Vuvuzela” should be in stores by Christmas.
5. You English have the best consolation song in history, in Always Look On The Bright Side of Life. As Eric Idle says, “You come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!”
6. Frank Lampard’s disallowed goal before halftime was shocking, just shocking, and adds fuel to the calls for a video ref. Still, it makes up for 1966 when Geoff Hurst’s “goal” was awarded in the final against Germany. Swings and roundabouts and all that, old chaps.
7. You beat Australia in a cricket match last night. Not one that anyone cared about at the time, but still…
8. Be happy. Summer just started in England, and the warm weather should stick around for at least two or three weeks now. Maybe even a full month if this global warming thing kicks in.
9.You may not have played as well as South Korea, Slovakia, Ghana or New Zealand, but at least you did better than the Frogs.
10. It’s becoming a bit of an old chestnut after 65 years, but the fact is, you did win the war – paving the way for your glorious democracy to mature and deliver the world such cultural gems as Big Brother and Nuts magazine.
This, of course, is just the beginning. There are any number of reasons why England should feel good about itself today. Your suggestions?
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